A State Called Is

[LittleBigFoot]

This is going to be a brain dump because I don’t know where my brain is. Today’s been a challenge and I’m not sure how to make sense of where I am with it.

Today I did a task I hate but have no choice but to complete. It went as expected, terrible, but it got completed. Now that task is calling me again and if I don’t answer there’ll be hell to pay. But I answer and I listen and I’m just I don’t know. and all of it’s my fault as usual. Or I feel it is. I don’t know.

After the task I came home and slept for a few hours. Dreamt about people dying cause #typical. Dreamt all that last night too. But hey at least I finally slept at some point. That’s a win right? Shrug.

After I woke up I decided I’m going to do some part time work (food delivery so can make own hours) because I desperately need money. As in I have/had $10 to my name till Friday. So I left the house and got to an area that has some activity. And I sit. And I just don’t care. I can’t make myself care. I logged in for all of 5 minutes and logged right back out because I.just.don’t.care. I have this simmering background noise of anger and fear? Dunno where that last one comes from. But I just can’t reach those emotions anyway so what’s the point in recognizing they’re there.

Now I’m sitting in a random parking lot. It’s raining which feels amazing and perfect. I have the windows down and the radio on my phone up. Got some McDonald’s that I truly don’t need. I’m not hungry. I’m actually still full from earlier and it brings my $10 down to like $4 and change. But here I sit and here I will eat because I just can’t bring myself to care about the consequences.

Those consequences are for someone else some other time to figure out. Not me. Not now. I just want to sit and zone out and pretend I’m being good by telling people I’m working.

I don’t know what the f*ck is wrong with me today. This song is kind of making me want to cry though (Hayden Calnin- Politicians). Not succeeding in that and frankly probably shouldn’t cause that’ll lead to feeling worse and then convincing myself to make an attempt. It’d be half hearted so I guess more like self harm than an actual attempt on my life but meh. I don’t know. I don’t care.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

An open letter to those who don’t get it.

I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that I’m not enough.
I’m sorry that I can’t stay “on”.
I’m sorry that I don’t know how to explain my moods.
I’m sorry my moods don’t make sense to you.
I’m sorry that I struggle to do basic things sometimes.
I’m sorry that other times I’m bouncing off the walls and I get everything and more done and I can’t slow down.
I’m sorry that I have no idea which of those the day is going to bring.
I’m sorry that I’m feeling sorry for myself.
I’m sorry I’m not perfect like you.

I don’t mean to feel sorry for myself. I don’t mean to not be able to function like you. I don’t mean to be so confused about who I am and what I want and how I want to get there.

But I’m trying to get through each day in one piece. I’m trying to help you understand me but I don’t know how beyond sharing articles about PTSD and CPTSD and trauma and all of those things. But those things are beneath you I know. You’ve made that clear. You’ve made it very clear that I need to just man up and get over myself and stop, for the love of God, stop feeling sorry for myself.

I know I’m not what you wanted for a child and I’m sorry for that. I tried. But I don’t know how. Some people say I need to be compassionate with myself and give myself to learn how to heal and become an adult and function in this world. But then you look at me and I wonder if they’re wrong. Maybe they are just babies. Maybe they are just weak.

Because you don’t do that. You man up and function and can’t understand why I don’t. I want to be like you. But being like you also scares me. Because you’re alone. Everyone around you hates you.

I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be hated. But then you tell me the traumas you’ve had and how great you’re doing now. How I should be like you. How I should stop feeling sorry for myself. How disappointed you are in all of your children. Because we all just feel sorry for ourselves and repeatedly fail.

I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself. I don’t want to be hated. But I want to be like you. Because you’re strong right? You just do what needs to be done all the time. You don’t let silly things like emotions stand in your way. Those who do that are just weak babies who need to grow up and realize the world isn’t fair.

But I’m so tired. I’m tired of trying so hard to be like you and failing anyway. I was so proud of myself this week. I didn’t feel anything for days. Until I did. Until it all balled up and knocked me out. And now I don’t know what to do. What do you do? How do you handle it in all your strength? Do you just power through it even when it cripples you? I can. But then the nightmares begin. And I remember I can’t escape. I can’t be strong like you.

I can’t be strong like you.
I’m weak.
I feel sorry for myself.
All I know to do is curl up in a ball and sleep the rest of the day away until the next nightmare begins or I stop feeling for a time.

Why can’t you just see me? Why can’t you see what you did to me? Why can’t you see that other people say it’s okay if I’m not strong like you? Why can’t you see that even years down the road I still hurt so bad?

 

[internal]

You’ve made it very clear that I need to just man up and get over myself and stop, for the love of God, stop feeling sorry for myself.

i'm very sorry that there are people within your life that are telling you things like this. it is not in my opinion a very compassionate way to approach a person who is clearly suffering. it is okay if you are feeling bad or even that if you are feeling bad for your self.

my therepist tells me that that would be an improvement, if i could learn to feel bad for my self some of the time instead of none of the time. i expect that is probably not what you are doing-i see a lot of negetive talk with you are weak and things like that.

i think if you did feel badly for your self that would look different, the same way it would look if you feel bad for some one else, you know? when things don't improve, when we are constantly feeling negetive and there is no improvement, it is not because if you just changed your attitude it would get fixed.

there is something else going on. in your case it is mental illness. you don't deserve to be shamed for that or made to feel weak or that you are just not "manning up" (which is f*cking nonsense, anyway.)

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @LittleBigFoot . I agree with @grief .

You are not weak, and though all are not capable with ease (they hide things too), I've never known anyone respond to "Try harder". For one thing it infers you weren't already trying harder than most. It can help to name it, then try other ways that are more useful for you.

I have thought a lot about this the last few days- somewhere between the extremes of despair and hoping for a quick fix, is a lot of time and effort wrestling with suffering. Some of the suffering was done to us,; some we did to ourselves and others; some continues as you said with what we continue to tell ourselves or believe, and the lack of support or shaming. That's another thing never helpful. I've never understood how anyone could think demoralizing someone is a motivator. Anyways, I hope this makes sense. Just to say (unfortunately) that's part of the suffering. I think if that can be avoided or minimized or shaken off (for eg, seen as ignorance, which many people experience over many conditions and states, too) it will reduce some unnecessary suffering and difficulty. But it takes a lot to be able to say, "that is your opinion", or to discriminate what you should withhold from some, for your sake. And maybe the hardest is not believing it/ repeating it to yourself.

If you have a dr or T you can get a better idea of what is going on and might help. Then you can find your tribe of people who 'get it'. it doesn't mean however that you won't have to grieve it, and going through it the 2nd time is worse than the first because you didn't experience the feelings like now.

I am sorry for what you've been through. It seems like a Herculean task to renavigate life, but I suppose necessary. Welcome to you btw.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Thank you both.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

I don’t know what I’m doing. Tomorrow is the first time back in therapy and I feel like I’ve never been before. I really really want to just cancel (stupid cancellation fee ). I’m scared shitless because I’m just going to mess up her life. I’ll be that hour a week that she dreads and she’d rather fill it with anyone else who deserves her time so much more. Because all I’m doing is whining. It’s not like I’d actually get any different or better. But I pushed because I’m a f*cking attention whore who just feels sorry for myself.

I don’t know. Hope everyone’s having a good day.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Today has been one of those start/stop days. There are so many things I thought of beginning or did begin and in the middle of the first steps completely blanked on what I was doing. It's documented too lol, on the 2 sides of a story thread. In my story time comment there's a part where I had a sentence going and apparently got distracted and never finished it. I couldn't tell you what the end of that sentence was going to be. I do wonder sometimes if I have either ADD or ADHD going on that is exacerbated by the CPTSD (or vice versa?). I don't know, it could very well just be the manic phase of CPTSD. Though that's not quite right either, manic is a term in bipolar not CPTSD. I don't know, but I'm distracted by every little thing and can't finish a whole thought let alone anything else.

I want to get back on medication but I feel weird asking for it. The last time, we'd found a decent combo except I slept all the time. But I ghosted that psychiatrist when I had appointments lined up so I feel like I can't go back to him. But going to someone new is. . . scary. I don't know how to ask them for the drugs without feeling like I'm being an attention whore and being a baby who can't cope. I am also terrified they'll ask why I don't just go back to the first psychiatrist but I don't want to have to explain that I ghosted because of finances and I can't go back because well, I just can't. I can't think of anything more embarrassing and frightening. I can picture the dirty looks and eye rolls and the judgement both the old and the new would have. Why can't I just act like a mature adult like everyone else? Why do I have to act like I'm still a teenager who takes zero responsibility?

I should be going to sleep, it's getting late. But god, first thing tomorrow is the new therapist appointment and it's really not what I want to do ever again. When the hell did I become this afraid of practically everything? I used to be the kid who was f*cking fearless. I did everything the big kids did with gusto, nothing phased me. Then I turned into this.

 

[Sideways]

I don't know how to ask them for the drugs without feeling like I'm being an attention whore and being a baby who can't cope.

Poor concentration is...yup, I hear you!

Remember that feelings aren't facts. They're a source of information, but they aren't facts. Fear about seeing a new psychiatrist? Pretty normal. It's confronting (putting it mildly). So the fear is not only valid, it actually makes perfect sense. You're contemplating doing something scary (seeing a new psychiatrist), and the emotional response to that? Is, well, fear.

Doesn't make it a comfortable emotion. But it might help keep it as an emotion, rather than something that needs to dictate your behaviour.

If you had a really nasty situation going on with your feet, and had to see a podiatrist, it would make perfect sense to spend the entire consultation (which you're paying for) with you and the podiatrist dealing with your feet. Spending the consultation concentrating on anything else? Would be kind of a waste of time, right?

Same deal with psychiatrists. It's what they do. There's no attention-seeming about it, because you and doc both know that you'd rather be anywhere else, and not have a mental health issue to deal with. But you do, and that's what your appointment with the doctor is for. Just like seeing a podiatrist for your feet.

You go this. If concentration is an issue? If it helps at all? I usually take in written notes. Because I will forget, and I do feel ashamed, but I want to get the most out of the appointment that I can, knowing that shame and concentration issues will follow me in to the consult suite.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

situation going on with your feet, and had to see a podiatrist

Lol, side note- this thought scares me too. Maybe not quite as much, but I’d definitely be sitting there waiting for their judgment at why I let something happen to my feet.

usually take in written notes

I’ll definitely have to do this because my brain does 180’s from one minute to the next all day long. I could make the appointment Monday and by Tuesday I have no idea what my ideas on monday were and think I really should cancel since apparently nothings wrong.

Thank you btw, all this stuff is kicking up so much crap and I just want it all gone. How much of a concentration/focus issue is normal for CPTSD or just PTSD? Is there a point where I *should* ask about being tested for something else?

 

[LittleBigFoot]

So I’ve been thinking about the 2 sides to a story a bit more and I wanted to add some more thoughts to it. I want to add that I do feel strongly about the accused getting to have a fair trial/have their side heard because of things like our perpetrator thread. In there, I and a number of others, confessed that we’ve done things from the perpetrator end. I would want the chance to explain why I did what I did before I was automatically persecuted and have the chance to apologize for that behavior and be forgiven for my mistakes.

My brain is slightly more on task today so I might go through and reread it and come to a different conclusion in a little bit.

 

[internal]

I’ll be that hour a week that she dreads and she’d rather fill it with anyone else who deserves her time so much more.

the way my therapist describes it, people are interesting on their own. that's what got her into psychology. and the most interesting patients are often the most challenging ones.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

the way my therapist describes it, people are interesting on their own. that's what got her into psychology. and the most interesting patients are often the most challenging ones.

Ya, I need to somehow bridge to that from where I am but not sure how to do it just yet.