Mach123
MyPTSD Pro
The therapist said "girl you has been running everything." I didn't know what that meant and I didn't ask. I'm pretty sure I know now but something pretty drastic happened and I'm trying to put it all together.
The heat is going out of all this for me. I know because I went with the men and I didn't care. I cared enough to start some sh*t but I quickly realised things just were not the same anymore. I thought things had changed drastically where I was.
I was wrong. Things were exactly the same they always have been and always will be. It was me that was different.
I was afraid of men for a lot of reasons. I was afraid of everything but my girl would back down. Backing down is or was a core issue. Freezing or fawning. That was her. Somebody (men usually) would puff up (do the dominance thing) and she, being a good girl, would back down.
Then a couple weeks ago the therapist said "your girl is standing up for herself for the first time."
I didn't take that seriously but I was mistaken.
Since then I've been talking with the men for a couple weeks now. The therapist has been trying to get me to do this for four years and I wouldn't consider it. Now I'm wondering what was all the fuss about.
And I know it's because she (meaning me) feels a little safer? Finally I think.
So that's this morning lol. I hope it continues. There is more more more going on. Mostly in my relationship where the heat is definitely not gone. I know I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid (and I always have been) that getting well would mean sex would lose its heat.
That's because I eroticised my abuse. That's what was so difficult about finding and approaching and dealing with it.
It was all I ever wanted.
The heat is going out of all this for me. I know because I went with the men and I didn't care. I cared enough to start some sh*t but I quickly realised things just were not the same anymore. I thought things had changed drastically where I was.
I was wrong. Things were exactly the same they always have been and always will be. It was me that was different.
I was afraid of men for a lot of reasons. I was afraid of everything but my girl would back down. Backing down is or was a core issue. Freezing or fawning. That was her. Somebody (men usually) would puff up (do the dominance thing) and she, being a good girl, would back down.
Then a couple weeks ago the therapist said "your girl is standing up for herself for the first time."
I didn't take that seriously but I was mistaken.
Since then I've been talking with the men for a couple weeks now. The therapist has been trying to get me to do this for four years and I wouldn't consider it. Now I'm wondering what was all the fuss about.
And I know it's because she (meaning me) feels a little safer? Finally I think.
So that's this morning lol. I hope it continues. There is more more more going on. Mostly in my relationship where the heat is definitely not gone. I know I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid (and I always have been) that getting well would mean sex would lose its heat.
That's because I eroticised my abuse. That's what was so difficult about finding and approaching and dealing with it.
It was all I ever wanted.