About me being a girl

[Mach123]

The therapist said "girl you has been running everything." I didn't know what that meant and I didn't ask. I'm pretty sure I know now but something pretty drastic happened and I'm trying to put it all together.

The heat is going out of all this for me. I know because I went with the men and I didn't care. I cared enough to start some sh*t but I quickly realised things just were not the same anymore. I thought things had changed drastically where I was.

I was wrong. Things were exactly the same they always have been and always will be. It was me that was different.

I was afraid of men for a lot of reasons. I was afraid of everything but my girl would back down. Backing down is or was a core issue. Freezing or fawning. That was her. Somebody (men usually) would puff up (do the dominance thing) and she, being a good girl, would back down.

Then a couple weeks ago the therapist said "your girl is standing up for herself for the first time."

I didn't take that seriously but I was mistaken.

Since then I've been talking with the men for a couple weeks now. The therapist has been trying to get me to do this for four years and I wouldn't consider it. Now I'm wondering what was all the fuss about.

And I know it's because she (meaning me) feels a little safer? Finally I think.

So that's this morning lol. I hope it continues. There is more more more going on. Mostly in my relationship where the heat is definitely not gone. I know I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid (and I always have been) that getting well would mean sex would lose its heat.

That's because I eroticised my abuse. That's what was so difficult about finding and approaching and dealing with it.

It was all I ever wanted.

 

[shimmerz]

Well.done. That’s the ticket to freedom right there. Congratulations Mach.

 

[Mach123]

I am not used to this dominant sh*t lol. How do you walk around not begging for mercy? The weirdest part is, it's just going on and I'm not thinking about it. It's more like thinking about these new things. Like is that really me? Can I really feel like that? What if someone tells me no, or I'm doing something wrong?

 

[Mach123]

I'm really angry and it scared me a little and I went to my wife with it this morning. I just want the fighting to stop but it's more than that.

It's like coming to the surface and the part of you that was made to back down is like "that's it I'm not going to back down anymore."

Everyone gets upset because they're used to backing you down.

Being gentle and graceful seems like the opposite. I know it isn't, that there is a way to "properly insist."

I just don't know how because I've never seen it.

I quoted this before but wanting to stand up for me in default mode means no prisoners, no quarter. It's at least partially the blasted all or nothing thinking. : )

Israel hands in"Treasure Island" says, "dead men don't bite."

 

[Mach123]

So I've gone around again on the merry go round that cycles through my different personalities.

Now I'm back to me being a girl.
Everything gets fixed when I put on my dress.

Of course I don't, I don't put on my dress but I don't have to? I just go there in my feelings. Now, nobody expects me to be a man anymore I mean if I'm gonna do "that." "That," can be any number of things that say publicly "I'm not a man anymore, I'm something else."

Being a man is really hard for me because the girl part is missing because she's a fully formed person on her own and she looks at her male self separately. That means he has no compassion or sympathy and he only understands abuse as a means for getting his own way or being a man which is a re enactment. She likes him like that.

So they are separate. I'm the observer. Family systems was like this I did about a year of work with it at the Trauma Center @ JRI in Boston. I thought family systems had some good points mostly it recognized the separated people or offices. It was interesting and easier seeing my self that way.

This is different. These people were formed way back when and have been living like this a whole lifetime. Nobody wants to give anyone else up. The idea of integration scares us.

Nobody wants to risk "going away." Jesse, in Toy Story 2 lol.

"Can't go, can't go back in the dark."

 

[Mach123]

Boy, I have real problems with men lol. I'm so grateful for women. My wife's going
To give me oral sex this morning meaning I get to do it to her. Then depending on her mood she'll have some fun picking in me.
But this is all good. I love women. Having been spending time around the men on the other line, I am having fun watching my reactions.
I'm certainly interested but not in a good way. I wanna dish some out when I get around them. I suppose on some level this is how my wife feels about me.
But for now it's all good, I don't have to deal with them except if I want online and I can act like myself which is quite submissive and feminine.
My wife don't mind. She likes feminine me because I'm friendly and funny and cute and she can kid around with me. My male part isn't like that.
The reason I love women so much is I can act like myself and feel comfortable and she won't make a move on me or try and perv me.
If you start acting like I do around the men they think you're saying you want them and need them lol.
If you're nice you're asking for it in other words.

How I feel about all this is a real pain because I need a couple facades to wear that no one can see through but I don't have any. Everyone can see how I feel and I'm always all exposed and I don't really want to be around people at all except women most is the time.
It's almost doable. I was always putting myself in situations I hated because I felt like I had to, which is mostly about my ideas of what men have to do.
She's gonna be awake pretty soon and I know what I have to do. I have to be my wife's best friend.

 

[Mach123]

You know?

A thing happened to me this morning and it reminded me of this and I was upset but I got busy and had a nice day.

I looked up the quote I like to quote in Mike Lews book "Victims no longer" for someone who "questioned it." That pissed me off, but it was nothing compared to how upset I got scanning that book looking for the quote. (Which I did have slightly wrong)

I remember reading it the first time, it's like a horror movie. It's not that it upsets me so much it's just like, IDK, really?

So the quote I wanted is on page 172 it says "while other kids were out playing with guns I was learning how to "please" a man. I was taught how to be a "woman."

That's me more or less. Not exactly, but that's pretty close to it. When I read that I knew what I meant when I said "I feel like a girl."

After that my son and I put together the lawn mower and did a lot in the yard. It was very nice out. My wife will be appy when she gets home.

 

[Mach123]

I am really happy my CSA turned me into a girl.

That sounds strange I suppose and I spent plenty of time whining about it and pouring out my heart about it.

Lol

But I like women. I'm lying her with my lover wife BFF. Pretty hard to complain.

But having spent quite a bit of time recently amongst "men who are similarly affected by CSA ptsd and trauma?" Online.

I feel like about the luckiest person in the world.

Like what I like is pretty benign by comparison.

And women are SO different and those differences are so obvious and line up pretty much with what I thought I knew already?

Men are pushy and they jump at you lol. Women are much more tentative.

I was in savers yesterday because we do some antiquing which is my wife's excuse for buying junk lol ( she has a good eye) and I saw a girl with her hair buzzed short.

I want my wife to do it but I'm afraid to ask her lol.

So this is mostly harmless fun and I love it is what I'm saying. Yes it's a reenactment, yes I'm probably a sex addict and yes,

I'm head over heels in love.

Sue me.

The kind of stuff I could be into boggles the mind and freezes the blood and I thank God I'm like this as hard as it is and it's been hard.

But I'm like I am. So I'm her husband and a real big part of me is her girlfriend.

I'm not ashamed.

 

[Mach123]

Problems 'winning'

I could call this a lot of different things. Being on top literally or figuratively sums it up I guess. Being the leader? Being in charge? IDK. I just won and now I feel all bad and guilty. I was gonna blow up the whole day and it would've been a train wreck even if I had managed to do it quietly which was my intention. I did give her a chance though meaning I kept very quiet and didn't start on her about anything I just kept quiet.

However I didn't have to because there was one thing my wife could've done to save the situation (for me) so naturally I didn't thing in a million years she'd do it.

But that's exactly what she did. So now, I'm a winner.

Help.

 

[PreciousChild]

Can you be more specific? When you say you won, it seems like you were saying that your wife gave you what you needed. Is that what you meant and if so can you say more about what she gave you (not necessarily the exact details, but the nature of the winning)? Thanks.

 

[Friday]

How would you define winning, being the leader, or being in charge?

I’m mostly wondering because you have a tendency of using words differently than most people use/understand them (I know you’ve said you’ve worked on this in therapy), but also because this...

I just won and now I feel all bad and guilty.

If you define winning as something bad people do, or making someone else lose/suffer/be in pain? Instead of acchieving a goal, or a victory where everyone wins or no one does, etc.? It would make sense that the definition-coreBelief around winning is playing a huge part in how you feel. But, again, I don’t know how you define winning. Nor being in charge, or the leader (responsible for the protection & well being of everyone in your care -vs- the person who gets to hurt the people below them without consequence?)

And this...

I was gonna blow up the whole day and it would've been a train wreck even if I had managed to do it quietly which was my intention.

It can be a shock to be all prepared to raise hell... only to find you didn’t need to.

Especially if the methods you were prepared to use were seriously f*cked up, cruel, underhanded, deceitful, blah blah blah... but the other person? Cheerfully did exactly what you wanted, without even so much as asking, much less being an utter bastard to them.

((If you’re used to being stabbed when you reach for the butter? So you either have to sneak the butter or hold someone in an arm lock and threaten to -or actually- break their arm if you don’t get the butter... It can be a shock when you don’t even have to ask, and someone just passes it to you. (What??? // Would you like the butter? // I don’t have to break your arm, if I want butter? :eek: ) IE Trauma Thinking -vs- Normal Life. ))

 

[Mach123]

I think it's sweet you'd reply. (These replies) Most of what you said is true and right on the money. She (my wife) actually just knew she needed the day so she did what she had to do. The next day it was business as usual and even a little more (?) idk what from her because she had to give in. So she had to get back at me.

Because I had the biopsy last week I'm not in very good shape right now.

So I'm just trying to keep some space between us and keep doing everything that needs to be done and not swipe at each other (or snipe lol) as we pass each other in the course of things. I feel much more vulnerable than usual because I don't feel very well. : (

We did a good session in therapy and the therapist was sympathetic as you'd expect, I'm her patient.

I resist giving in to not feeling well but I don't.

It's not a great time right now for me. I would that I'd put this in my diary because the theme is along those lines when I wrote this I just felt like I had to blurt it out.

We did have a nice day. I'm just in between you know, right now. Waiting.