About me being a girl

[Mach123]

I stopped my vitamins and my prostate symptoms vanished overnight. What I was imagining as my prostate symptoms. There are some still but negligible by comparison. I still didn’t sleep and I couldn’t meditate but, not dying is a sort of load off my mind.

 

[Mach123]

I started to break through on guitar with my right hand. It was desperately difficult to learn, it must be nice to have talent. But i have to practice and i have been so as not to waste the days. Everything else going on doesn’t change that before i die i want to be able to play that it. I had to drop the use of my thumb temporarily and let my fingers pick in the proper sequence. When it starts working it siunds beautiful.

My wife and i are horribly jammed up bot that’s normal. I said no to her and she can’t take it. Thats one way to see it. Therapy kinda sucked yesterday because In was feeling really bad and I couldn’t be bothered hiding it from her. I warned her at the beginning I was feeling ugly.

My wifes at the same old game if i do what she want everything will be fine but no thanks. That means me going back to being her slave. Being married sucks because our human nature is prone to relationships falling into these patterns. If i have the upper hand i have to hurt the other person by telling them no. If the situation is reversed the opposite is true and, you cant just walk away. Everyone does and they make excuses. Ive read it on here, over and over. Its easy to find people to support you meaning help you take the easy way out. Don’t mind me I'm having sex withdrawal.

 

[Mach123]

Im really not so aware. If i keep quiet the ‘bad stuff’ won’t come out because she won’t. If she talks and I talk back things get ugly because everyone wants something. So by not talking I’m not asking her for what I want. Now she won’t talk because she knows I’ll just look at her and won’t answer which she deems offensive. So it’s quiet and the ugly stuff stays under wraps.

But I was able to meditate last night so I slept. Then this morning I got the idea she can’t get at me which was the whole point from the beginning. No kitty but. I was listening to a lecture about needing to be touched and I was like dying lol.

I need to be touched and approached and made to feel wanted too.

 

[Mach123]

Sonny is leaving in the morning with mom and one daughter and I’m home with the other. It’s bittersweet. Mom is going down to set him up.

 

[Mach123]

Take your wife on at your peril lol, she left meaning they left. One of her trips which always involve no sex and me working for her. Being a fake husband that has no needs. Sex in particular of course. I went all the way with myself after they were gone for the first time in months. All my abandonment issues are all firing.

My son I’m happy to be rid of. If I get my way, none of them, meaning my kids, will ever live under the same roof with me again. They are awful all of them. All they do is take. I love them but it’s best for the I’d they take from someone else, I’m all used up. I love them. I’m a person though even though I’m a parent. They don’t see the difference. They all see me as dad which is to say not human. They get it from the mother who treats me as husband, not human. But she would just say I was mean and unfair lol. She came in and kissed me goodbye.

The funny thing to realize is not a word of this has come out of my mouth. All this angst and horrible thinking which is “selfish and tyrannical”, just like professor Higgins said in my fair lady, happens when you ‘let a woman in your life’.

It’s my orientation. Being submissive is wanting her orgasm. Shhhhh. Don’t tell anyone! Lol. Things will be different with my son out of the house. If she tries to pull a stunt like that again, moving one of them in, I’ll call the police.

It’s always been like that me saying you can’t and she forces me or does it anyway which is rape. She laughs at that one.

 

[Mach123]

I’m distraught you know? but that’s not depressed. I can probably handle distraught. Of course I’m furious with my wife because she’s pulling her way and I’m pulling mine so guess what? A giant mess and nothing gets done and nobody gets hardly any of what they want need. I’ll settle down. We will take a ride later and get a few things at the grocery and my daughter can have some chicken nuggets. My wife is far away and I feel that in my body and it’s very distressing. Even though we haven’t been intimate lately we have been for thirty years and if that gets lost or threatened ouchie. It’s having a trigger response and it’s gonna be like 4 days long. I have no one to talk to I’ve been over this with the therapist this week I knew what it’d be like when she left. It hurts.

 

[Mach123]

At least I’m clean. I just took a long hot shower and got a girl shave. 2 razors. It’s as close as I can get it, you have to do it in the shower. I felt dirty after sex. Can you have sex with yourself? I can but it’s disassociate and a re enactment. That’s what makes it so real. That’s the difference between a trauma reaction and “all men are oversexed”. Don’t make me laugh.

But I just have to ride this. My poor wife she loves me lol. I’m a mess right now, it’s my body experiencing all this, I can only think and try and sort it out a little. Girl me wants boy me to be able to have orgasms all day. How’s that for male performance anxiety?

My poor kids you know I had to hide myself from them. I thought having a family would fix me on some level. Wrong. I knew better.

My son and I did a lot of philosophical discussions on our walks over the past months. It’s nice we got a chance to do that.

IDK how they feel about me. I know I love them.

I was having an in depth one about women yesterday which I have to tread lightly because You know who is one. I was teasing him a little you know telling him that when you fall in love you lose it.

The abyss that Casteneda jumped off is a type or archetype. Everyone wants a guaranteed return policy on their marriage.

That’s not how it works.

 

[Mach123]

So I’m so upset it’s pretty funny actually. I’m surprised I took it so hard but I know what it is. A combination of things like a perfect storm. It’s irrelevant because she does whatever with me and manages to justify it no matter what. No quarter. But I’m upset. I hate it. My kid was here, my kid left. So upsetting. I’m starting to clean up his room. But not today. I just opened the window to air it out.

I’m Mr clean in my family, but I’m the only one. Idk about my adult daughter. She’s always said she’s clean but she keeps animals and last times I saw her I wouldn’t stay at her house. The AC wasn’t working and it smelled like a zoo.

I don’t wanna stay at anyone’s house anyway that was a miscalculation. If I can’t rent a space of my own I can’t afford to visit.

 

[Mach123]

I feel better. My wife called. They are ok. I have the urologist tomorrow but I’m not worried now. My symptoms are subsided. I would do the biopsy if he would give me a few pain killers for recovery but he balked at the idea. The idea. He knows what happens after I won’t even say it. It’s terrible. Take a Tylenol, phuck that. Butchers. I don’t know why they are scared to make people comfortable. Like laughing gas at the dentist. They all should have that. Makes you look forward to a root canal lol.

Anyway if my symptoms were bad I’d be more inclined but after the first biopsy? That can’t be good for ya. We will see what he says I know the mri didn’t show anything Really bad so they are just going off PSA level. I haven’t read up on that yet. My overall inclination is not to let them cut me if it can be avoided.

 

[Mach123]

Boy am I dumb. Everything with me is like the vitamins, making myself sick. I don’t know the particulars yet. I just woke up in more ways than one. Yesterday was a hump day. Having orgasms relived my body of that awful stress I was helping my wife put on me. Maybe it was only me all along. I’d much rather have sex with someone it’s a team sport. But it’s not always safe, convenient or advisable . Especially if you are gonna give it to me then wreck me withholding it. Why’d I let her do that to me? I know why partially. Wanting to be punished and etc. wanting the re enactment which is only as awful as wanting to be naughty or playful but I let these women haunt me with it.

That’s what you get for liking women. She wants to be punished too. Maybe it’s her that pushes things too far? She wants to be reigned in but she can’t allow it she’s too convinced she’s right and she probably is. See. I like her, so I let her. I feel compassion for her and she punishes me for being weak. But it’s ok right now I feel good.

There's more and more. Having my son here was really horrid. He and I actually got along. Having him here caused problems with her and sex and US. Because we have to bend down for our guest, our son, and put him first, like everyone always comes first before us. He is the “hero” too, which makes it worse. He was highly connected with us too he is a very sensitive guy so you can tell when someone is very aware of you.

That was six months and all my wife who set the whole thing up mostly to make me miserable. I did ok. He and I are ‘good’ still I think. Being angry and resentful isn’t his way. I didn’t write much about him. He’s another story. I’m sure I’ll have plenty to say today. I was miserable last week and couldn’t even write really.

 

[Mach123]

I'm alone, I can be naked and stuff in my own house. My kid was always here he never left unless his mom made him do something. God I can't stand any of them. I am a very solitary person and I need time by myself. My wife didn't think so, selfish, she'd say. "I have the dumb kids hanging off me all day and I don't get any time for MYself", and "I don't get any days off". Brutal. Dame VanWinkle. My kid is smart like his mom. Now he goes back to work. He was perfectly happy doing nothing for six months except online. I don't blame him, it's just our house wasn't big enough for all of us. We did ok though. Especially considering mom and I were hardly speaking a large percentage of the time. He was perfectly good company and conversant and pleasant enough. I never spoke to him about his mom and I and I never sold her out to him. If I talked about the problems between men and women I did it in general terms. Women do this and men that. Never anything real personal. Never mom this or that or we this or that referring to us as a "couple". He was drinking when he first got here. I think he was drinking when he left but he slowed down a lot as time went on (I think) and he lost a lot of weight. The last day he was here he typically pulled out a bunch of awards or commendations he had earned for military service. I felt a little emotional. He did quite well. Now he's off on his next assignment. We were teasing him about women, his mom and I a little. I wanted to say the next time I see him it'll be at his wedding. That's because he was all like I'm gonna do this or that about relationships, as if he had a choice. Love comes calling or nothing would ever happen and we all know you can't do much about love. : )

Now there is gonna have to be a re alignment of things at home. It's best to let things happen organically.

 

[Mach123]

Is I’m depressed a bit which is isn’t surprising and I thought about the possibility I’d feel depressed before I had those orgasms. Now I’ve had them and first i felt jubilation, almost exultation, but that’s because it had been a couple months and my bodily sensations were overwhelming. Pleasantly overwhelming though. Because everything was focused on some perceived future happiness. It didn’t though.

So now I’m sorta like none of my stuff is working. Now what. That equals depression. It shouldn’tbut I’ve been here before.

I walked by myself on the beach yesterday I didn’t enjoy it i felt alone and out of sorts and depressed and it seemed to take forever and I wanted it to be over. That was after all my bitching about having to deal with everyone and put up with getting them ready and my daughter giving me the abuse routine. Anyway, a little depressed.