About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m feeling all betrayed and stuff, those are bad feelings. I am worried about angry feelings. I do want to feel that, any of it. Being horny would be a walk in the park compared to this stuff, I’m dying here LOL! My wife will say I’m so dramatic because she has no feelings . That’s the old joke in our family but right now, the jokes on me.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m a little better. It’s hard to remember no one knows about my horror movie if I don’t say anything. My mouth always gets me in trouble.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
A little better still. I took it so hard I wasn’t ready at all, such a big upheaval and so much of the past brought up. Plus the urologist yesterday which was a good report but I’m not happy overall, nothing new about that.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I think they left on Thursday. I’ve entertained myself with myself four or six times since. I’ve felt good and really bad. I’m am really lonely and I crave her femininity. She is teaching me a lesson though.

I slept last night. I didn’t wake up till 4 and I slept again. It’s been very trying emotionally. It’s all ptsd stuff sadly. I like sex so much though I don’t care really.

Girls want you to care about nothing else but them until you do. Then they wanna get rid of you. Or they want you to think that as an encouragement. They will also screw for cute. They like cute.

She likes me to earn it like a reward. Makes me feel like a dog, except she’s not about to rub my tummie. She’s a pat on the head type. So some dogs have it better.

I’ll try and kill her with kindness but she has a large capacity.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
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The last one if you zoom there’s a ship leaving the harbor. They have schedules you can get I think, but if you drive down there you can see them very close up. There is a very narrow deep water channel and they pass very close to shore. The last one is for perspective at low water. It must be almost a quarter mile from low water to the top of the beach.

They’ll be back this evening I have to clean up and cook this morning. : )
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I just spoke to them and said Happy Easter. They won’t get home till tonight. I have plenty of time. I haven’t lifted a finger since she left. My kid is set up in his apartment with a car and a job so he is all set. Now she’s going to have to deal with me and I’m gonna have to behave if I wanna get any lol.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I just shaved the back of my head and the sides up to the ear level and just above. I didn't shave shave it. I used the electric razor. It was so close already it's hard to see the difference. It's weird its so masculine or even military but it makes me feel the opposite. It's a real fade now anyway. I guess I had to build up to it. shaving the hairline all around the ears and down the back of the neck didn't look right. I wish I could go to a barber now and say can you do this and keep doing it. But that would involve being around people which i don't want to do and men in particular. I think I understand this a little better now it has to do with shame. I can only tell the therapist. I feel like writing her. I know I've always reverted to this when my wife is away. But I'm feeling all betrayed and stuff. Sex is so volcanic. I want to erupt but I don't want to clean up the mess after. That's always the way. I want to stand up for myself but I'm afraid of the punishment.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Happy Easter. I am ok. I have been eating a lot of junk food the last couple days. Emotional. It's been a real roller coaster. But we did ok. We went for our walk just now. Too many dogs I hate that. There are about half on the leash. I would actually outlaw dogs based on the problem of their waste and its improper disposal. That's not what I want to write about though.



I don't remember what it was as I got distracted thinking about the miserable dogs. The people next door have a dog. They have kids. Almost teens I think and I don't mind them. I even want them to be able to have a dog its important when they are kids but they take care of it. I admit I did NOT properly restrain my dogs when I was young and it was a real trial in the neighborhood amongst other things.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I was cooking, all I have left is to fold the laundry. I made soup and now I’m making a steak with onions. I put chicken in the cabbage soup. I changed the way I made it a little.
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Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m aghast, destroyed and demolished. That’s because I have to do with a woman.
She’s home and I feel better because moving toward intimacy with her is better than moving away and she’s quick to point out both eventualities. She kissed me or she let me kiss her. If that ain’t love, idk what is.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I hung in there with her in spite of us saying all the mean horrible things we’d ever thought of to each other. Then she kissed me after all that. I didn’t get mad though. She hit me with everything. I guess that’s the point. That was how it looked to me anyway.

There was so much we hadn’t gone over because the last month with my son here we hardly spoke and weren’t intimate.

She’s the only intimate company I have and am likely to get so, not going along with her is just shooting myself in the foot. As usual I suppose.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I watched a movie yesterday. Angelina Jolie in 2010. She killed idk how many people. Salt. I watched the whole thing which is unusual. It was because I saw an add for it on prime video. I didn’t know who she was is the picturebut the wig got me. Then I started a series, a cop show about Detroit. Low winter sun. Very gritty and depressing. I like it.

I was gonna post that out in a public thread but I’ve sorta backed off on that now. Maybe for now.

I learned something about me in this last little emotional train wreck. It’s about shame. The therapist and my wife I guess keep asking me why, like what’s wrong. Like what am I afraid of. They are referring to my lack of interest in doing anything. Like why do I wanna stay home and clean the house and stuff. My wife shames me or she uses shame. It’s a wifey thing, she takes that liberty. Shame about ptsd. I’m not supposed to be broken.

The therapist wouldn’t shame me, though I’ve read that into what she has said to me in the past, but I was wrong.

That’s gonna be this weeks session I guess. I am ashamed I’m broken and about how it happened.
 
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