I’m in bed. I’m ok though. I’m not ok but I’m not distraught, if you know what I mean.
My behavior is surprising me. My son being here then leaving again and everything in between was a giant upheaval.
Now he is gone and another GIANT upheaval is we have no babysitter now. Our daughters do not get along and it’s best for everyone if we keep them separate and it’s best not to have to take them together in the car anywhere if it can be helped. But now there’s no more running out the door to do a few things unless my wife is here. Naturally we don’t agree on how that works either since we don’t agree on anything.
Since they were out of state and stupid covid restrictions I have both of them home today. That means I’m stuck in the house unless I wanna take both of them which I don’t.
I will take them both walking after therapy which is in the phone in a hour. There is one good thing about that, I can stay in the house for therapy I don’t have to get in the car and drive down by the bay. The therapist wants me to computer remote with the camera like zoom, but I won’t. I get a horrible headache immediately if I try and do that which destroys any benefit it may have had.
I’m not mad but here’s what happened. All I wanted really was not to be mad. My wife is still refusing me in bed unless I do something she wants first. What’s confusing and unexpected is I always have done it. I always bent the knee for her and this time I won’t. I even think I will. I like fight with her and without saying so we both think “ok now dads going back to being a slave like always and things will be ok again.”
Then I sleep on it or lie awake is more like it, and I don’t do it.
This time was different because while we were going over things, a euphemism for fighting. I didn’t get mad or really upset. I just said how I felt. I did agree to her demands sorta but that’s because I thought stupidly, like I always do when she’s nice , that I might get her in bed.
But upon reflection I was like no, I don’t agree. If you don’t have to help me with my problem, I don’t have to help you with yours and I won’t. So the hell with it. She wants to be able to force me to do whatever but I’m not able to force her.
So forget it. I’ll be nice. She talked to me this morning. I wasn’t angry. I said nothing. She didn’t ask me any direct questions.
I miss my babysitter. I’m glad he’s gone except for that, which is very selfish. I was texting with him this morning.
Im ok I jumped in her bed this morning and I got to “rub the magic lamp”. The genie stayed in the bottle which is the highest percentage probability always. But I got off enough that it beats being alone. That sucks that I’ll take that because it’s short shrift or what the 12 steppers called settling for less.
Life sucks then you die. That’s my 2 cents this afternoon. There are if you’re lucky a “few good phucks” in between.
I guess I’m trying to control my behavior? To be patient. It was my idea not to have sex or rather I wanted it to be my idea? In the end, I probably directed her or forced her to do it.
Anyway I’m wicked horny and I always thought it was ok because I’m a compassionate and giving lover meaning, your orgasm is as important as mine. It’s hard to feel guilty if you’re willing to give like that. I can’t share with anyone else, anyone with a physical need like mine and plenty of women have it. That makes me sad, love unrealized.
Today’s nice like the mood broke, or the fever. She could make it easier, but I’m brutal about sex and I always want it. I managed to put it aside today and just hang out. It’s not that I managed it’s more like the stars were aligned or whatever and it was allowed to happen.
I’m good. Usually today I’d snap back the other way and be mad at her and mean. Not really mean but feeling mean. I’m not really good at mean around sex. I want you to pull my pants down so how mean could help that I’m not sure. I think I’m getting over it a little. The mouth thing is a real fixation. I put on some cologne this morning so she could smell me.
I’m ok. I transplanted a flower bed yesterday and as always I’m hoping I’ll get laid lol. I never paid for sex till after I got married. I was out in the sun and keeping my hat on since my head is shaved practically and I didn’t want to sunburn the back of my neck. I was able to meditate this morning and even though I didn’t go back to sleep, I stayed with it quite a while. I really like it. I feel really sexy and it makes me sad it goes to waste. But I’m not angry which equals getting over her because this is how it’s always been between us. But with her it’s the best sex ever, so sue me. I think I’m gonna have a little personality conflict with one of the neighbors but I feel strong. I feel like I can manage it.
Being a girl in a mans body and being in love with him and trying to make sense of that and be in the world. It’s not terrible. If you have to be addicted to something it’s nice if you like it. I don’t have a love hate relationship with sex which is common in addiction. It’s all love. I just hate not doing it. : )
Why do I trigger myself is a thread that’s active now and I just realized something about it. You might say I realized everything. I’ve been saying on here from the beginning that we want to be like this.
That isn’t to say cPTSD isn’t a real thing and some of us actually have it. There is a re enactment component.
Being submissive about sex and women and men and pleasuring your partner. Trigger much?
I’ve been watching Jordan Peterson. It’s blowing my mind. He is labeled a conservative I think because that’s an easy way to disregard the truth in what he is saying. That’s how things work now.
It’s very relevant in my case however and every lecture he is making me think and realize things that are so obvious that I can’t believe how easily I delude myself.
He was talking about PTSD he’s a clinical psychologist. He said you can end up living out someone else’s nightmare. I have thought for a long time that’s what my wife and I have done all these long years. It’s almost like someone else puts the triggers in you.
I have guys here working but they are nice and non threatening. They are making improvements to the house and it's free since we qualify as poor folks. It's a program the gas company has in co ordination with a local idk what. Charity I guess. It's all government grants. This guy is a small contractor. I could tell he was "ok" when I spoke with him on the phone. It's a good thing actually. I used to work for this guy on a fishing boat and the net would come up loaded with fish meaning a ton of work and I'd groan. He would look at me and say, you can't stand prosperity.
My wife’s been giving me this bullsh*t about needing to be out of the house and around people. I’m a recluse. I come from a long line of them. SHE needs me to get out of the house. I understand that. Don’t give me this it’s good for me nonsense, it’s not.