The guys who were here left. It was fine we just didn't do anything we normally would have or we did it differently or in different rooms? They are good though. I learned how badly I got robbed on my whole house air conditioning. It was as bad as I thought but I felt a little better because the guy who told me said he did the same thing. So we are going to do all window units this year. If it makes a gigantic difference in the cooling bill Ill sell the damned condenser I had put on even for like half what I paid for it. Remains to be seen.
The lecture series I'm watching are by Jordan Peterson and he is a clinical psychologist, I didn't say that at first because I didn't think about it like everything. I don't use my brain enough. He is a Dr. Frankenstein type intellect. A scientist. I've watched about 8 lectures now and they are not short. This is what I envisioned when I went to college, that not only would I be exposed to guys like this but that the experience would turn me into one of them. I wanted to major in psych.
I have therapy in a bit and everything is upside down. But there is a ton of work getting done. There are two guys here working again today. That’s 2 days in a row and I can’t do anything else.
I had a couple trees in back and I made my wife go with me to the neighbor and say we were taking them down. They are right in the fence. The husband says they are yours and his wife explained we were being nice. I had an estimate and I didn’t act because of another big bill came up. Yesterday there was a crew over the other neighbors house. It’s a block and all the backs of the houses look at each other. I got the courage when my wife came home to shout over the fence and they came over and did it for half of the price I was quoted. I was going to climb up there with a chainsaw. I’m so glad I didn’t.
I started digging the stumps today but I gotta go easy. My body mass is probably down 20 percent this year because of covid. I gotta go real easy. But it’s early spring, it’s freezing here. A little bit every day.
I didn’t wanna do yard work because if fighting her about sex. But in the spring I go crazy like the rut. Ever see the male deer with big horns and their young’s and private parts hanging out and banging their heads together? I get like that in spring a little.
Therapy was good I talked a lot about Jordan Peterson. The big secret all these years is I’m a sex addict and I need to sober up awhile. There is some truth in this. But not all. Sex is all in your head anyway. But the therapist wanted to hear this, which is why in large part I said it. The other reason is the trigger re enactment and the pleasure, which I got from the thread here, why do I trigger myself? Because sex and having an orgasm is the biggest trigger of all. It’s working on some level that’s a problem. Then she said I was bargaining like all addicts, which is true, and I have been having mood swings since I “got off” my wife, if you’ll forgive the pun.
Levels on levels.
I think incest is a bad word or I don’t like it. I thought it applied to other people, other survivors.
This morning I’m thinking. I’m gonna stop saying “Jordan Peterson” and say, my latest crush or guru. I’m a snob and I love and almost worship intellectualism, but I feel not that bright. So a clinical psychologist is right up my alley especially since it seems he was popping pills while doing these lectures. Like Dr House, my friend in tv who helped me start pill popping again. I’ll call him the doctor or online doctor. So now it’s the doctor the maharaj the wife and the therapist, not necessarily in that order, and don’t forget God or Christianity.
But I said incest. Now I’m trying to change the subject.
Cascading thoughts and emotions in spite of trying to be not so dramatic.
I asked the therapist over and over isn’t this what we’re talking about. Lacking proof of actual ‘sex with my mother’ I have to solve for X. The therapist was non committal. She always says something like I can’t tell you that. Maybe it was the way I asked?
But I think her ‘ok I have you now at sex addict’ is ? a cover for it or speaking to it. IDK what that means exactly.
But right now I’m seeing a lot of things from the past and present behavior that point at it or add up to it.
The first betrayal. Mom won’t let me do it anymore. I’m getting too old.
This is conjecture. But there is some strong supporting evidence.
So now it’s incest and I just talked to the therapist and I don’t call her off schedule lightly and she said “yes it’s incest”.
I said “I’ve been trying to tell you and you didn’t respond” but in retrospect and right after I said “it occurred to me I hear you wrong and I’m doing a lot of projecting onto you”.
She said I was right. It’s not very comforting. It makes sense though. I just listened to Aion by Jung. A little light reading. I have to go dig out a stump slowly so it’s not a suicide attempt.
I can’t believe I don’t have a b4 picture of these trees I hated them. I’ve fantasied for the last 2 years about climbing up there with a chain saw. But there was a whole bed of iris there I dig up and put out front . I know I have a pic somewhere. I’m always taking flower pics.
It was very upsetting (yesterday and last night) and the sex thing is terrible and if I talk to her because I’m so lonely and I want her in bed she’s saying all negative things about sex which all mean I’m ugly and horrible.
I'm doing my best here the nicest thing is like switching levels.
What that means is I feel like I’m not remembering new stuff I’m just arriving at what the things I already knew actually are. My feelings about them actually, what it means on a feeling level.
I felt like I knew about incest with my mother because things pointed towards it. I was able to explain how I knew but I wasn’t insisting on what it meant because I wasn’t sure.
Im pretty sure now. Much more than I was. The online doctor happened, no sex happened.
But it was another of those times, very severe this time I don’t mind saying, that I just felt like I woke up and it’s not as surprising 2 and 2 are 4. I’m a real hot wet mess about the whole thing I don’t mind admitting it. It’s easy to say I’ve never been this horny. Getting off by myself makes it worse. I like women.
Mommy stopped doing it with me. It must’ve been too obvious. I was getting older. Then two things happened. Two big big things that are ? those memories that are always there or big emotional things you remember. Highlights?
Doing it with the little girl next door and mommy told me I knew it was naughty, but that happened because she wouldn’t do it anymore. This caused a gigantic disassociation. Probably the biggest one.
Then I missed my milestones . I didn’t take off my pajamas till my feet grew out I’d them and I wouldn’t give up the pacifier and the old stuffed dog I sat on in front of the black and white TV.
I stopped growing emotionally and I was stuck on sex, and here I am around sixty years later. The gift that keeps right on giving.
She let me rub the magic lamp awhile just now. That’s how she always was. I should be able to get up and go to work after getting her hormones all up in me and it say anything about why we didn’t have sex. That’s fair. Not.
But I didn’t say anything and I’m not mad. I wanna be mad but that would be unfair. My being nice to her costs me. Jung said something about it. I’m listening to the collective works.
“Spoil foc’sle hands make devils”.
Have you ever had to deal with devils? They are a pain like in the exorcist, spinning heads and spewing bile.
I’m not much at dominance though, presenting me with a peculiar problem.
The lighthouse is flashing in the second picture down if you zoom way in. It’s gotten easy for me to catch it with the camera as it gives a pulse then lights. There is another lighthouse in the 2nd one up from the bottom. It’s harder to find but quite distinct in this light or weather. The air has a magnification quality, and things look different depending. We went early to get the tide. It was really freezing, although the wind chill is only in the 40’s, which is hardly cold. It was nice as there were hardly any people and no dogs.