About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m listing to the collective works of Carl Jung. It’s free on YouTube. A German guy is the narrator. The narrator makes or breaks it for me with audio books. Still had to be good reading but a large percentage of it for me is how it’s read.

Things are different it’s upsetting. Little kid me. I’ve been hiding him in therapy talking about girl me. Girl me is real especially because I didn’t develop the man thing properly or it couldn’t happen rather . There were outside factors and there were other feminine and gay men on my dads side. But what mom did set me back. Socialization doesn’t develop either.

I knew about sex though and that’s what I wanted to do. That’s the part that still wants sex. That part and girl me together are a great team. Let’s have a good time.

Naughty oral sex. Naughty sex. Don’t be a naughty boy. That’s me. It’s little kid me. Don’t get caught. I was always getting caught though.

The really difficult part when I have any clarity at all is the trauma shell and how I’m living it out now. I’ll be a good boy I promise is the trigger and then a good dose of sex and I’m set up.

Plus wanting to be punished about sex but not by withholding it. By making me. But I’m naughty and it never goes to anything serious and it’s a billion dollar industry so I hardly feel like problem.

The overlay is my wife’s a real person and she doesn’t want to play with me anymore which you know. It hurts but I can’t get seat from her. I’m supposed to volunteer for something but we started fighting and I can’t.

She won’t admit that part but I know she gets it. The house is clean and I’m digging out stumps in the backyard. That I can do but much of what I’d need to deal with others goes into trying to get sex from her while she’s fighting me . She fought me like hell tooth and nail every step of the way.

That’s why it’s called the war between the sexes. Screwing and eating in bed and being together all day in bed is a day off. It mightn’t be love but it’ll do till love comes along.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
That last posts an attempt to talk in the new shift which I hope is different but it’s very scattered and I can’t talk about it. Sex and little boy me.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Thanks, it is. I’m ok comparatively. I’m glad I’m using weed because I probably won’t do myself or anyone else any damage. It’s a phuck up for sure. How’s anyone supposed to deal with stuff like this? You can’t really. I never have talked about this even in therapy not really. Just can’t. I will now. It didn’t seem real before. None of that Sums it up.

Thanks for saying hello.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
This is very intense but bad is a funny word because sex to me is love even though the girls say that’s not right. Not all of them. And I’m a man not a girl and so I have to do man things but I’d force her if I had that mind set. That’s what the men are actually like because it’s war.

I got hit with the woke mob mindset yesterday in the guise of recovery . Hearing anyone say Trump was racist or supported it or any of that? Triggers me badly. It’s like recovery is for everyone but me, the white man. I have to ignore her like she’s a little kid and be patient and be the grown up. (My therapist had my wife and I watch a virtual event yesterday) This and I’m her client. She knows better but her political ideology is brainwashed into her and she can’t separate right from wrong properly anymore.

I don’t care she believes all that in a microcosm meaning between us. Big picture it’s the same thing this it’s always been . History shows it plainly but they don’t see it. The puppet masters are pulling the strings and we only see the shadows on the walls.

So I forgive her like a man forgives a woman or a parent a child who yells i hate you.

I didn’t wanna write about this but whatever. My heaviest experiences of my trauma are tied with pleasure and pleasure drives the re enactment and even suffering with it is pleasure on some level. As long as my mouth is getting used I’m happy. Right now it’s not but that makes me think about it a lot and this is pleasure also.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m digging stumps out in the yard and I’m going very slow. No sweating. It’s hard to go that slow for me with something that physical, but I used to spend myself needlessly with my ? The way I did things. So pig headed . Now I have to go slow because I’ll die literally. I must’ve lost 20 % of my body mass. (From stupid covid lockdowns) That’s no joke when you try and swing a double bladed axe. But I got out the saws all luckily I watched some YouTube on stump removal. It’ll come out or they will, little by little. I’m not digging them all the way out anyway, just to get them low enough to bury them level with the rest of the yard which will prevent them sprouting. You have to expose them enough to get at them with the chainsaw and not wreck the blade right away. It’s tricky because the chainsaw is the Best But if you make a mistake the chain or blade gets dull instantly and is then useless. The chains are expensive and it’s time consuming and expensive to have them sharpened. I tried sharpening them for years and bought all kinds of files and guides and sharpening tools. Waste of time, I never could do it. I have a new chain that’s the wrong size I bought at Lowe’s somehow and left it for a long while. I tried to return it but failed first attempt. I might make another run at it. It’s about 30 bucks. I could call their customer service I have before and they were helpful. I can’t use it and I can’t chuck it. Worst case I might sell it on eBay or perhaps it can be resized, links added. I have to see about that this week a spare chain will be handy and then I can’t imagine I’ll need my chainsaw again.? I hope not lol. But I have a lot of tools and it’s hard to get rid of them. It’s hard to get rid of anything.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I feel ok I got off last night at bedtime. It makes me sleep. I still wake up and I almost did it again. I realized I was still waiting for her, which is way bad. She doesn’t care about me, not like that. Not sex me.

I’m mad at all of them these women who don’t think it’s highway robbery to refuse a lover who won’t quit till you have multiple orgasms.

But we live in duality and meditating is going pretty good which is why I’m sleeping. Dr. Peterson’s and Dr Jungs speculation leave out what the maharaj starts with which is, who said that? To whom is that thought and from whence? Consciousness arises. To whom. We all have the sense we are not the body or we are the body and. And what? This is nisarga yoga, or the yoga my particular guru developed, and it’s that simple . Even I can do it. You just hold onto the sense I am, like you would watch your breathing. Same thing.

idk what to do with my therapist. I don’t think makes as bad as the commies she’s aligned herself with but I think my wife likes sex with me too meaning, I believe what I wanna believe. But the therapy thing is bad . I do think she’s reasonable and I think she goes along but isn’t completely radicalized. But I forgive her because she’s a woman and I need a hug.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Taking a break from housework and walking. I’m gonna do some more housework, then dig the stumps awhile. Both girls are home because it’s a state holiday, Patriots day. I had some lunch no bread.

I feel pretty good I gotta deal with the therapist tomorrow I hope she handles it delicately. I think her very unprofessional, but most of the liberals are like that now.

I’d rather let it go and not mention it. Like I said two of her things I attended were ok. I’m perfectly willing to leave my political ideology at the door for psychotherapy’s sake. These people have the two confused. Wellness does not equal liberalism and vice versa.

So anyway I want to talk about my issues and I need her for that I think. We could be getting close to what I needed to get at and I don’t need to start fighting with her now.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Digging out back I found we have a new neighbor over the fence. Never been so happy. There was a townie back there running a flop. We never saw a for sale sign or anything. I wanted to meet her, I bet she was nice, but she couldn’t manage it, and the people she had back there were never likely to pay her the rent. I suspect the same will happen to many other of the apartment buildings around the neighborhood as the property values are going so high so fast and I hope we can hang on and maybe our kids can cash in as it’s likely to be their only inheritance. All the apartment buildings are in various stages of disrepair. When they become condos and single family homes they get renovated. It’s sad because lots of handicapped and elderly people are losing one of the last nice places to live and be poor. Anyway there were some real skeevy characters over there the last couple years and it’s a relief to know that’s gone. Junk box loud cars coming and going all hours and people yelling and swearing. All set with that thx.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Idk what I’m gonna do now. I know I want a more clinical approach to psychology. My whole life is destroyed by liberals. Actual liberalism in the case of the two people I’m thinking of, my therapist and my music teacher. Both need a good yelling at. The music teacher is a conservative. The therapist is a communist. She’s still a good person though bits just she believes people are good and she won’t end up in totalitarianism. History says otherwise. She thinks the rainbow flag thing is a new way. Students of history can say with evidence here we go again. The music teacher thought everyone should learn by ear that after you learned theory you had to forget it so he didn’t bother teaching it. Problem was he didn’t teach anything. He just wrote tabs and expected you to learn it yourself. In his defense if I’d have learned every fan perfectly I might have gotten the same result. I understand that in a way but some of us need the theory to build on. It gives you a measure so you can see your progress. Lots of people need wrote learning. By the same token I did not immerse myself i the guitar then like I’ve begun to do now. Some people have talent and can hear it naturally and they go to music schools. Us normal people can learn it, but it takes practice. I’m not gifted at music. I’m interested though. I’m sad the door didn’t open till late in life. But there’s no use looking back. Can’t put spilt milk back in the bottle.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
None of that was what I wanted to write about. That’s not true. I did wanna yell about the stupid liberals who I was traumatized by thanks to my stupid therapist. Women.

I have therapy today and she needs to be corrected, she needs to be told her stupid ideology has no place in our sessions (again and again). Like I said her little speech was fine, but it was coated with her ideology which ruined it. Like an ice cream dipped in you know what.

I know she means well. Secular humanism. The religion of the communists.

I have to handle her which is so tiring. I have to be careful what I say or she gets triggered which means I have to tip toe around the liberalism. My wife’s the same way only without the ideology. I tip toe around her while I try and love her she’s like the black widow. I’m 1/3 of her size and she’s hungry.

The reason I’m I therapy in the first place. These women, starting with mom, have done a real job on me, but I like them.

That’s the rub.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
What a mess I am and always was and no wonder. It’s not so much mom showed me what to do it’s that I liked it then she said no, that I was naughty when she caught me with someone else. I was so young. I don’t remember doing it with her, just the feelings. All this time it’s been maybe it didn’t really happen it was just my feelings for her but if it didn’t happen why was I like that? The therapist said this has been about incest from day one. She also said it made me vulnerable to the predation or my first boyfriend. I think he was a sadist or boys that age don’t like that they want to do that or who knows. I don’t remember but he was the one I mentioned to my wife, the memories that were trying to tell me I had CSA. Why was I doing that? I was just a little kid.

That’s why all the problems and the therapist has been trying to help me. The socialization isn’t there. You can’t ‘play’ because the capacity to have those things happen normally is gone. All the blind spots are gaps in the behavior that couldn’t develop normally.

The big one is all my talking about trying to remember. I’m looking at one plus one and I know it equals two and I can’t understand no matter how often I do it, I get the wrong answer. Life doesn’t add up. My behavior makes no sense.

So many times I wrote It was like solving for x. I couldn’t hit the bulls eye though I kept getting closer and closer. Now if I could just retire and be a lab rat. I really did think that especially after I got cleaned up the first time and saw my first therapist dr Frankenstein. That was her real name. I fell so in love with her lol.
 
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