About me being a girl


I just took a ride a couple hours and got cigs and my medication. Makes me laugh still, pot stores. I have to see if my PCP will write the prescription for me which she will but they make it hard for regular doctors because they want you to go to the weed doctors and pay a couple hundred bucks, which is a scam. But if I became a ‘medical patient’ which my condition allows, would save me money idk how much, it’s irrelevant. All savings are good. Plus I’m paying extra not to buy off my local guy because I can’t read him and idk if I bother him or if I’m doing him a favor. He gives me more for the money and it’s good. No less good than what’s in the stores I didn’t think. I can’t usually tell the difference.

Being a pot head aside. Which I don’t mind being one I’m really grateful. I have such a hard time with pills and drinking. I get some pills occasionally. It’s really bad now because of the pain I’m in which is considerable and I don’t find weed helpful at all with pain. Not even the strains that are supposed to. I think most of that stuff is nonsense too. But I’m very plain and not very discerning.

Everything is a mess emotionally, as you’d expect.


Men and boys aren’t subject to sexual abuse or emotional problems from CSA you can tell because most of the resources are for women. I’m feeling like there is no one. People just say pull yourself together and get on with it. Not the therapist.

I have to go back and watch the meeting she had me attend I should post a link here because there are lots of people who might be interested and potentially benefit. I don’t know how to explain what it was except maybe survivors sharing? Idk. I had to sign off after a few minutes of an anti Trump rant. The therapist said I missed the good stuff. I don’t mind I hate zoom anyway and I refuse to use it but the therapist had asked me to attend to support her. I promised I’d look at it so I will.


As you’d expect I’m all over the place. There is some bad stuff mostly about my relationship which I wanna get ugly about not having sex I feel all betrayed and stuff which is to say overwhelmed. I don’t wanna rant on that, so boring.

I'm all alone except for the therapist and my retarded non verbal daughters who don’t understand mom and dad.

I took a look around the Internet for incest survivors but it was the same crap as male survivors of CSA. The gay men are always ready to ‘help’, which is to say there is nothing. The men in aa are like that always ready to help the new girls. No wonder I wish I were a girl. Need attention.

The mom thing is brutal and I realize lots. Mostly that I’ve been repressing it still right along and even arguing with myself and the therapist about it. I was always saying to her, why are you mad at me?

I felt like I was failing her. My wife makes me feel like that always . I was right because the therapist was waiting for me. She was mad I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. She couldn’t yell at me and make me listen.

I wanna be seduced.

I don’t want to talk about fighting about sex now because it’s all tied together . Plus I can’t talk to my wife now I don’t trust her at all she’s the enemy. She always was but she’d seduce me into trusting her so she could get my secrets and use them against me as ammo.


I went to the senior center and met a couple nice older ladies (my age) and said I wanted to volunteer so my wife and I would stop fighting. It’s my fault mostly because I’m still concerned about sex.

Then I went in the back yard with the chainsaw and I was trying to get one of the stumps out. I’m always unhappy whenever I try and do anything. My wife used to ask didn’t I feel a sense of pride or satisfaction but I don’t, i never do. It’s part of the profile. Incest. I got more done than I thought I would, but I’m never happy. I’ll be at it probably a week. More. It has to be done slowly. Little every day or two. I should have rented a machine but I hate doing that too, then i feel all pressured and besides it’s right in the fence so I can’t really. The first tree guy who gave me an estimate said he wouldn’t do it because it’s on the fence. I have no patience with myself.


My wife and I are working through generational trauma on both sides of our family. Boy were we a match made in heaven, or maybe somewhere else? I can’t believe we survived. Must be love.


I can’t write this stuff down which was how it was in the beginning. I wanna think I’m at the beginning again, that somethings changed. Trying to think I was a child having sex was hard enough now it’s i was sexualized like pre verbal like sucking. It makes the idea if mommie issues mean something else. All that stuff is still here. I know in all of us it is. But for me it got turned into sex and it never stopped and I’m still like that. It’s not so bad but I’m married sadly and my wife won’t play with me. I can’t dump her and get a new one to try all my tricks on. A girl a little kid and a make believe man. Still isn’t so bad. It’d be easier in a dress. That’s what being a trans would be for me but those are dumb words like trans and gay. They’re meaningless or you can attribute your own meanings to them which renders them irrelevant. I like hiding things and hiding I’m a man would be just too much fun.

I feel like I’m understanding all this on another level but like I said, I’ve been here before, over and over. Another level of my BS. But the longing and stuff it’s for mom because mom is everything to the baby but it’s not supposed to be sex and when it does it’s very bad for the kid who is or can be crippled by it,I am.

Now I can se all those pictures of myself I found so embarrassing and I know what’s wrong I’m deformed (we used to say that to each other when we were kids) an I can see it.

deformed or retarded I didn’t hit my milestones. My kids who are autistic didn’t hit theirs after the vaccinations. MMR. Hep b.

The image of me standing in my pjs with the feet pushed off because I’d outgrown them, looking up at the pacifier they’d taken away because I was gonna be six an had to start school. The feeling, I still remember it.

I knew something was so wrong then.


I’m a little depressed. I should be working I guess because I wanna relieve myself wife and of course it’s worth it and I’m not feeling all that well. I’m up and around more than I was and I can easily forgive myself, I’ve gotten exceptionally good at that.

We took a walk just one of the girls and I. It was cloudy and grey and cold enough for my winter coat and the beach deserted. In the low fifties but people are ready for it to be nice out. The tendencies to underdress. I had on my winter regalia.

I don’t feel great and I fell away a lot this year because of covid. Lots of stuff fell off.

The seagulls were fishing meaning catching and smashing clams which I find depressing. I can’t watch animal shows. It’s fascinating how they do it, but gruesome. That and it’s been gray cold and rainy enough to stay inside all day.

I can’t pick a fight with my wife I’d feel stupid. I didn’t get to crawl in bed with her this morning (her bed) I did yesterday though and it went well, she said she had a good time (I rubbed the magic lamp)

We had a few big verbal disputes the last week or so and kinda cleared the air meaning the gloves came off and everyone said the stuff you never say. It wasn’t all that scary after all. I’m refusing to bow to her still for sex I’m behaving fairly well meaning, I’m still doing other functional stuff even though she’s refusing me, and I don’t want to help her at all. Her side is a very good argument and I’m not disputing she has grievances but

she treated me like bad about intimacy and us, that’s dirty pool

Alls fair in love and war as the saying is and it’s been war believe me, and she fought me into the bed and I was helpless in the face of that, because I needed her love . You’re not supposed to need her I guess I suppose it’s a matter of degrees and everyone’s different of course but that’s how it was. I needed her, she didn’t need me, she needed a front and an excuse and a paycheck, but she got shortchanged there.

So I’m being nice . Last line of defense? Act like someone on the tv that’s nice, pretend I’m someone else and leave her alone about sex. That means leave her leave her in my feelings though and I get all abandoned and betrayed lol.


I’m ok, I’m sleeping. Meditation is going a little better after like two weeks. I wanna suk is different than I want you to behave. I want you to make me behave which means seduce me. I’ll be a good boy.

Life is the yin and yang. It gets more obvious which is like recovery, things become obvious and it makes them easier to deal with.

The maharaj or the Hindu philosophers have this. So did the Chinese I suppose and the Christian teaching is stuck on it.
God forgives you if you pray the prayer. There is no going back and there is no other way. If you say that though they wanna nail you to the cross because you may not behave. Crime and punishment.

Here I am with a penis and no one to help me with it lol.

Happiness and unhappiness are the same thing. Two sides of the same coin. All the submissive feelings. They come from mom. I was hers. What choice have you got ? Daddy is bad, mommy is good.

Where do you draw the line?

When I was a little kid I always had something in my mouth. I still do it I bite on the sheets I don’t damage them but I make them wet in spots. Standing with a towel around me as a kid I always had it in my mouth, there are pictures of me. We always were swimming and in bathing suits we had a vacation home lol. I never thought Of it like that it was a trailer. I was always like huddled or cowering. Pulling inwards . More like a little girl, timid.

This all just continues till today. Right into adulthood except half missing. Hollow man. Makes me a perfect fake husband.

Why be angry though? I’ll go outside and dig up that stump lol. My iron bar. I might even get out the axe and the splitting maul. A couple other handy little tools I kept with me from the old days. I got a jig to sharpen my chain. Cool little thing made by Husqvarna, who made the saw and chain. Swedish. It’s probably not sharp but I learned I did the whole thing backwards and bought outrageously expensive chains for digging up stumps. Sigh.

I was whining a little last post I noticed and now a little too. Kiss me or I’ll cry lol.


Statistics, the weasel in the hen house. I heard, so I can’t say this is my own personal knowledge, some people as a group aren’t getting the vax, namely black people, because they’re too smart to trust the government. There are lots of rumors. I don’t trust the government. Business is business and the government is in the business of keeping itself going. My welfare is their concern as long as it’s in line with what they want. Treaties between countries work according to a similar principle.

Im having intrusive memories. Not bad, not things I never thought about before, just I feel I’m in a different space now (I hope) and so they feel different. It’s not happy happy. My past is clouded with, or cluttered with, things I tried not to remember. All that stuff about sex.

Then there was my mother and her second marriage. Those years. 12 to 15 or 16. That was when the horror movie really got going.


I cleaned the stove which is a gas range. Two hours. Some of it won’t come off. Then I went outside and dig at the stumps awhile. I made some progress. I kept stopping and standing but I still probably did more than I should. I get muscle aches and stuff and I think I’m having a stroke. My blood pressure is low/normal. But I know I can’t go hard and I don’t want to. When you get older you realize hurrying only gets you where you are gonna end up anyway. Is I have to go be mr bus driver.


I’m alright. The old struggle goes on. Life’s a struggle. I have always know non violence to be the cure. “Breaking the shell of self defense”. Good luck with that one. I saw it in the Christian ideology and they told me, no that’s not it, but that is it. My wife tells me no because she loves to fight. Now the maharaj is saying it, I have to have it confirmed by an Indian mystic.
The old preachers knew about it and had labeled it Eastern Mysticism. But they are wrong and Christ was saying the same thing, which was why they crucified him.

No matter how nice you think you are with your demands, you still are trying to make someone do what you want. That’s violence. We tell ourselves it’s for the other parties own good and it’s our responsibility. Do me a favor? Help someone else.

That’s it. Mom says no and I say yes and one of us will die eventually and it’ll be over. I’m not depressed. I’m managing. I’m not making money but some stuff is getting done that needs doing. I gotta be careful about not doing things to get at her I let something go way to long on the car and it was expensive. Nice job with the punishment sadly I got it just as much as she.

The sex thing is terrible of course. I have all kinds of wonderful fantasy’s I wish she felt like acting out with me. If she’s nice I think she wants to bend me over and I’m not opposed to the idea. She had a different way. Before women marry, they get men’s attention with sex and after, by withholding it. But it can work the other way. There are plenty of marrieds who are orgasm deprived, a horrible punishment.

We watched something on tv and it was open marriage lol. Oh it’s fine. : ). Not me.
Not a lot of people. The prisons are populated with those who commit crimes of passion. People sorta count on that. Those are the rules. That’s why you have to behave, or else.

If there’s no or else, people get the idea nothing’s gonna happen and say phuck it.