About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Therapist just now I have to be very good and quiet and bit say anything that isn’t about therapy. I called my sister the other day and I really was impatient and stuff. My bad. I’ll call her today and be good. That’s a lot of good for one day lol
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Now it’s after and I’m digging stumps but I came in and sat (lie) down I was getting warm. I’m making progress and I get excited and wanna pull it out and be a hero. Stumps are not flowers, they don’t pull easy.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Idk where I am now. Not bad. I don’t wanna write in the invest thread but the therapist made a big deal over me because I announced it in here. I was bragging about all of you here and how much this has helped me and it has.

Male Survivor, which I’ve written on at length, was a catastrophe. It’s listed on all the sites as place to go for help. I see it more like a bath house. Too bad they can’t list my PTSD but people can’t make it here I think because nobody thinks they should follow any rules anymore except their own. Anarchy.

The therapist and I talked all about incest and what it all means. She said I sounded different. She said she could hear how sad I am and that before I was always trying to hide it. I know that and I knew it then, I just didn’t know where it was from. I used to think it was that I was sexual as a kid so I wasn’t a kid and that was it, but not really. It’s how it happened. It’s like being sad about mom, or about me and mom particularly. So I have mommy issues, it’s a mom thing. I was ashamed about how I was about sex and how I wanted to suck. On the one hand it was the best thing ever so why was I ashamed and what was wrong or why couldn’t I do it what was the big deal about blow jobs. This is little kid me trying to reason it out.

Little kids can’t reason things out, they’re little kids. I had a big secret. This is me and all the disassociation. Can’t think about it. Scared. Then I was a girl, suddenly when I was 12. This was actually lucky I think in retrospect. Girls are nice. I’m submissive which I think kept me from a plethora of behaviors I though I wanted at the time.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Sex is dominance. People don’t like those words because they think it’s ‘mean’. It’s reality. People get around that by saying your reality but that’s false and tricksy my precious. It’s pathetically obvious and trying to get around it is sad. Farm kids know what’s time it is’ be a when you watch the animals you see how much people are animals and pretend not to be. Spirituality, a word I detest because it was corrupted in common speech, is supposed to allow us to rise above the animal self, but we’ve devolved.

So getting back to my mother and what I think of love, or is it how I feel about love? I waited a long time for my wife’s love. She’s stingy with it.

Trhe reason I never thought of any of this as abuse is pretty obvious. I mean, if mom likes it how can it be bad because mom is the font of everything good. Food is love and mom is food and the mouth can be used for something like eating but it’s not.
Equally pleasureable. For every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction.

That’s the imbalance or duality.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m a little depressed. While we were walking I felt depressed which is 2 bad it was nice out. I hate people and their phucking dogs off the leash and leaving their trash and putting stuff in the trash cans that don’t belong.

I wanna call the cops and I can’t because I’m not a bitch like I saw that calling the cops was like the covid police and turning your neighbors in and stuff.

I’m all for the cops and I’ll call them, but I guess it has to be serious or a property dispute or whatever. Not sure. Dogs off the leash give me a bad trigger though and it’s an ugly feeling. Pretty soon it’ll be summer and no dogs and I see them sometimes and there are serial or habitual offenders and I have been working myself up to call those in. For about 10 years. I feel like going vigilante sometimes and just calling the cops and waking down there just to look for dogs and call the cops and I’m sure I could make a big dent in that activity as a concerned citizen. The law after all is for everyone. You can break it, but you gotta be willing to take the consequences.

Anyway phuck them I hate them. I know it’s a trigger reaction.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m still a little depressed, it’s about sex and fighting about it. My wife’s behavior. I don’t mind her stopping sex but she has to leave. That’s just how I am to kill that pain. That was what I always did with women. I didn’t say I don’t like women apart from sex but it’s part of the arrangement. If we don’t have an arrangement we agree upon, that includes sex? Nothing to talk about. I’m not real patient I admit.

So no sex and my wife keeps up her behavior wanting me to do stuff about her and what she needs done. I don’t mind the no sex but don’t ask me to cut the grass. That’s the part that kills me and the lying about what happened and what for said or done. She just changed it, re writes history so I’m the bad guy.

That goes on and on. It would be easy to just say she’s not doing what I want, circumstances are circumstantial. I’m not doing what she wants either. I always said I understood if she didn’t want a bj but she’s underfoot and I can’t get anyone who does. I don’t want to do anything she is opposed to, but If she’s opposed to it, I wish she’d leave.

Fighting and animosity wrecks everyone but she never cared how much she rocks the boat or the collateral, as long as she gets her own way. Very naughty.

I was depressed walking yesterday, the bastards even spoil the beach for everyone. Wish I could run away, that’s an old feeling. I’m whining.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I know I’m wrong up to fifty percent pretty much in any dispute or disagreement because that’s how disputes and disagreements are. We all do things we know are wrong, and right and wrong is hard to quantify given the variables. Like what am I going to get out of this? Then there’s morality. People like to say everything is subjective. Right and wrong is determined by the individual. Not so. If you go really wrong society will act on you, even independent of the law. That has to be something really egregious, psychopaths and sociopaths. The rest of us sort of muddle by and hope we don’t get called out on our nonsense. We aren’t usually up to doing the really horrible things we think about. But we do enough damage in our small mean way. Small scale battles with toy soldiers that don’t really die they get re spawned to die over and over.

That’s melodrama. I’m like that. But I’m small potatoes. I’m satisfied with that for the most part, nothing too big.

But those questions about right and wrong and morality sorta haunt human existence and I’m curious, I always asked questions and I always wanted to know why. I didn’t like that in myself. It seemed to me it just meant I was dissatisfied and so unhappy. Why couldn’t I just have been joe the plumbers son?

It occurred to me today though there are some things we all agree are wrong and one on particular we deal with always and nobody likes it. Being lied to. Think about the attitude people adopt when they say, you lied to me. Everyone does it though. Now it’s a matter of degree. Or is it?

I wrote this why? No idea. Watching tv and YouTube is my guess.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
A kiss is just a kiss. It blows me away. Watching a show last night and one character was a prostitute addict and the other a real stiff. A likeable stiff. The predictable happens the drama of the wild one like oh oh oh I love you don’t you want to phuck me? So me. The other, so my wife. It is drama and that is just what I am but there’s no right or wrong in this

Because it’s love. The other side naturally saying that’s not love.

Maybe not but it’ll do till love comes along.
I’m doing good bit still trying to keep my mouth shut it’s hard and that’s a sex joke because that’s my mouth.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I went all day and didn’t post but my wife was entertaining me that’s why. All she’s doing is being friendly and that brings me to heel like a dog. If people who owned dogs were required to train them to the level she has me trained, there would be no problem. If you want me to roll over, I need a treat.

Im pretty good. My friend called me he is not well. He is reading that stuff about us getting infected by the people who get the covid vax. I partly believe it but not so much. I’ve read it too, and I’ve heard a lot of things over the last year that have turned out not to be true. I’ll believe it when I see it and even then what am I going to do about it? The looks are using the same sham they used to trick people into believing in climate change, the state religion. There’s a lot of misinformation going around and rumors abound.

But they aren’t gonna shoot us up with that stuff.

His mom is dying, she’s 86 and is giving up her independence unwillingly, and the kids are all fighting about who does what and the family’s in 2 different states. Really hard. We went through all that.

One of the only good things about the lockdowns was no funerals. I really don’t wanna run into any of those people . His mom is the last one left. I’d never hear again about any of the rest of the people we knew together, and I don’t want to. I think it’s sad, but that’s how it is.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
The juxtaposition between our personalities is truly maddening. I understand it more and more but don’t really like it. I feel like the more I wanna be myself the more my partner wants me to be someone else and vice versa. I think it’s a yin yang thing. The other person reflects you and you reflect them so the harder you try the more of what you don’t want you get. I can say she’s all like this, but that just means I’m all like that. And I am! Nobody is innocent. Even being not guilty doesn’t mean innocent. Tired of everything and scared to do anything.when I tell her she never got behind me and supported me she says she did but she’s lyin and she knows it. It’s fine it’s the husband wife thing. I’m onto her finally she hates that. She knows I can see her and I adopted many of the tricks she used on me over the years. I say the things she said to me only reversed so it’s to my advantage . I can see it when she recognizes I’m doing that. I wouldn’t marry again. I feel bad saying that but I just know what happens when you can’t get away from each other . I insist we should get along and she insists we get along from a distance. I understand. We are both unreasonable. Nobody minds being unreasonable if they believe they’re justified or they can make it look that way. It’s not how you feel, it’s how it looks.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m sitting here with my love interest who is not up to snuff this morning. But she’s cute and I apologize to her about sex like I always do and that I love her and I can’t help it about sex anymore than she can help what she does.

She never does this because it’s taking the submissive. It’s ok though divorced from begging for sex which I wasn’t. I lapse in and out of it.

The big thing is oral which put me into the stratosphere where I still am. I couldn’t even ask her to let me all those years lol. I didn’t even know myself really that I wanted to do that. I mean I knew I wanted to do it but I didn’t know what it meant or why. It’s love and it’s not wrong.

But I swore an oath too. For all my telling her men have needs and stuff. She had them too. I don’t like doing this because on the one ya s being reasonable doesn’t get anywhere with her but it’s a fine line.

If we aren’t gonna fool around I can make it barely with her still here, smelling like a beautiful flower (like the smell of food when you are starving) but please don’t text me to stop andd o an errand for you.

I just can’t.

But again I don’t want all the vitriol and fighting and I know if I leave her alone we won’t fight. But if I don’t get what I need from you please don’t continue to expect me to do what you need done. The hunnie dew list, Hunnie dew this and that.

There is a mutuality in there somewhere I need from her and she from me but, we never reached it. Not through lack of trying / fighting. I love her that’s the painful part.

And it’s all a trauma thing.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
40 degrees and rain. I have to get out in the yard. I don’t mind getting wet except the mess (muddy boots). I have to get the stumps out or moved along. I don’t think I halfway done cut I can’t do any faster, I’ll have a stroke. It’s cold punctuated by days that are warm and soon will be too hot. That’s the excuse for spring around here. The ocean stays cold and never warms really that much even in summer. If the wind comes off the water it gets cold fast.

Im pretty good I slept and meditating was dreamy and like sex all night. I slept and when I was awake it was nice. There are big things going on with me and I can’t keep track of them really. Therapy was good yesterday but different. Things feel different. Can’t explain it . We were talking about different things, like we changed the subject which would be pointing towards a little less stuck?

Maybe, hope so.
 
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