About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Using force.

What’s the difference between all this talk and “making” something happen.

What are you going to do to me?

I will wait and let her go first but I do t want to go through this anymore. It’s not situational. It’s just who gets to say no. Kicking her out is the only dignified thing to do. Otherwise she just rubbed my face in it. She wouldn’t say that though, because someone might think she wasn’t nice. I’ve thrown women out before for this behaviour because it’s all “you don’t love me anymore or enough “ behaviour, breaking up in other words . Just because you sleep with me or did doesn’t entitle you to kick me around like that.

But if the lines are really drawn and violated then it’s phuck you, what’re you hanging around for? More abuse? That’s what you’ll get .
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
It’s an awful situation and she thinks she’s going to get away with it still and why shouldn’t she, when she always has? But having to actually really say no to people is so ugly.

Because then you have to go get some new people.

I’m really sad and upset because I feel like I have to do this. It would be much nicer if I could “go away” to work and just send her money and forget her. This is a man thing, that’s a man talking.

Women, meaning “I’m going to throw you out” me, does things differently.

Sad unhappy violated. I’m just a pawn in her game. The feeling of wanting to get even is so overwhelming, but then there is the “fear of winning”, which is totally something else.

I’m waiting for her to say she’s sorry lol, for the sh*t she pulled this week. It’s like waiting for Eve to say she’s sorry she ate the apple.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
My wife just wants to go on fighting lol. She’s a warrior in the true sense. Life is battle. I’m a lover, not a fighter . It’s another way of fighting though? She won’t see or can’t see what happens next but I’ve been through this so many times and it’s always the same. Ugh I feel bleak.

She’s right of course I want her to come to bed but not kicking and screaming she’s being roughly handled or poorly used . But she got away with that like forever. I took it for all the wrong reasons . Weakness is the only one really.

So now you have to pay for what you did. Don’t think you’re getting away with it LOL.

All you’re doing is postponing the day of reckoning. “Ask not for whom the bell tolls”. Too bad I love her anyway. That’s the price you pay. Some people are like that.

To quote Bill the butcher , “Don’t you never come in here empty handed again, you gotta pay for the pleasure of my company”.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I cut my hair finally. It helps there is no one here it’s so private. Like no one approves of me. I’m in a big jam with my wife and it’s hard to be be brave. It’s not so simple but it is like that.

The line she crossed, again, is such violation that it was like I caught her fooling around another man. Which is crazy but it’s not. It means phuck you but, she’s done that so many times she’s like “what’s the fuss”? I guess I’m ? Idk what.

I’d like a truce, but it means putting up with it. Like right after we reconciled, meaning right after she stopped spewing venom, she had me doing errands for her.

It’s like you can’t make this stuff up. But I want to make up with her and she what? Throws herself at me? Lol. Never. Never happens ever I have to pull it out of her, like teeth. Come get some love, but you have to fight me for it.

Circumstances are the excuse but it’s been the same since day one so I can’t be tricked with that anymore.

It was always her way or the highway.

So screw it’s like I said I can live without it but that would mean a truce and a truce is an agreement. Agreements are in short supply.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
So we made it. Idk why I was so much more upset than usual, but I really was.

Now, not so much.

We are re arranging. The kids are both going back to their programs starting in the morning which is a bunch of work for us and, driving, a lot of driving.

But i don’t care if it’s sex once a week, because she showed me it will be, regardless of how badly I behave. So I’ll make nice and do what she wants.

It beats the alternatives I was thinking of.
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The beach is “scooped out” but the photos don’t capture it. I wonder if the patterns repeat on the same days of the month it Mr even yearly with the cycles of the moon. The sand bars begin with a trench that leaves you standing about thigh deep. Then you take a step up onto the bar and it’s only up to the ankles. The beach also was very steep and separated into sections working from the high water mark down. It’s amazing how it changes.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
So I am resting from my latest IDK what. Emotional episode I suppose. I'm drinking my fruit smoothie, I didn't start out to be drinking fruit smoothies, I just got that little hand held thing for fathers day. But I was crazy just like yesterday. I don't know what was different this morning. I decided I didn't want to be crazy anymore. I wasn't wanting to feel crazy i was trying to be ok. But that was a real episode and a long one. My wife did something that made me realize something. I knew it anyway. But I had gone crazy. Become irrational. Hasn't happened in a long time. I was still better than I used to be. I'm not used to feeling like that anymore, thank goodness.

I might be sick which is bothering me underneath all this and could be driving much of it. I also could be being a hypochondriac. I mean I do have prostate cancer and I talked to the Urologist on zoom. He wasn't worried even though I haven't been seen in six months. I didn't try to panic him with my symptoms and I was impressed with his knowledge of everything I was feeling and his questions which would obviously tell him if I was sick. I answered him honestly and I'm sure he takes people being dishonest into consideration anyway. He has seen a lot of prostate cases. He has cut out a lot of prostates.

Anyway I'm good right now. I hope I stay good for awhile. That was pretty intense. It's been hard on everyone being locked up and just everything. I know I'm not the only one that's been having a hard time.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Today was good . Idk what to think . Just take it as a reset and keep going. I was fighting for nothing I understand that.

It’s been dealt with in many threads and presents in many scenarios and I’ve heard it called lots of different things . But getting and being upset is just so stupid it’s embarrassing.

I watched one of my kids trying to deal with it? He was a pretty good fighter too but having a spaz and threatening to beat people up only works in certain situations.

Like I notice specifically it’s not very effective when I turn it on me, which may be the only thing I actually ever used it for?

But things are settled for now and tomorrow is a new chapter. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, keep going.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
So far so good, she knows what I meant. I just have to let her alone. We have things to do, we have to get along. That’s the rub.

We have 2 kids / handicapped adults that have to go to adult day programs . Right now there is no transportation (but us) which we get to provide free.

But there’s not much we can do and again that’s the rub, try and not let it make you crazy. So we are doing it. That’s it.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Everyone got home. I was just thinking about my bff saying I should get a life like taking care of 2 handicapped adults is a nothing. My wife could do it better than I . Different. She would emphasise things I don’t. I cooked them something when they got home and I cleaned the upstairs bathroom and vacuum the downstairs. Good solid 2 hours driving. Oh well. There was another thread and it’s like how do you tell normal people you are like this? I don’t usually because that’s what you’ll probably get. That’s fine . I just sat down , my wife’s going to walk in pretty soon.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Something big changed but it’s probably more of the same old stuff lol. I just don’t want to be that miserable anymore. I think I wanted my wife to salve me or something. Like one last ditch effort at some picture I had about marriage. Idk what happened. It might just be not sleeping in the same bed after all those years . It’s a relief on one level believe me we weren’t sleeping well.
I've gotten here plenty of times though and I hope I can hang onto the feeling of being over it. Over what? Not getting what I want out of anything I suppose, and waiting for the eventual end and hoping it’s not too bad.

IDK though it’s a funny feeling, like the rules changed.

I’m a bottom. You have to be the top. Can I say that? I’m not even sure but that might serve as a summation. I think I’ve been telling the therapy and my wife that like forever and they both say you can’t do that. But I can and it’s not to say I can’t be your “man” at the same time.
But everyone wants their cake and eat it. I didn’t ask to be like this.

We were trying to talk about it yesterday and she started arguing with me as usual. She’s a wife. I laughed at her. It was one of those clarity moments . Everything she came back at me with I had the answer.

She gets to boss me and make me so what she wants but I do t get to do that about sex. Good deal. But you might as well laugh because that’s how it is. It’s a matter of degrees.

You can help it. You can help how you react to things. Being nice in the face of anything.

I just want to hold onto this feeling. Like nobody is walking all over me. I don’t feel used for sex that’s for sure. It’s always best to stay quiet.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Mountaintop. Clear view. It never lasts. I always think “I’m all better now”. Therapy at half last noon. Plenty to report.

I can’t begin to explain what’s gone on here in the last few days? I mean our relationship. She came in here this morning and it was ok with me if she didn’t. I was trying to adjust to what that would look like or mean exactly.

But she did come in here. That didn’t change anything. That’s really good. Meaning I was going to try anyway.

We have had some really big changes around here covid not withstanding. So big upheaval which means just that. Plus we are get ready to drive across the country and we aren’t talking about that. That’s her way, fly by the seat of your pants. So she needs me you know to be ok. But I was going to be ok anyway or I was going to really make an effort.

The house is rearranged and it’s not big so that’s a major shift. The kids started their programs and we are driving. We got brushed off by another contractor lol. It’s not for real.

But I just saw it all big picture and I was like stop swimming upstream. I knew that but I lose sight of how to do it. It’s the same as being non violent. Talking about it is one thing , doing it is something else.

Underneath it all? My body knows things I don’t. There has been a lot of psycho sexual upheaval in the last few months and I can’t talk about it with anyone because I won’t talk to the therapist about it on the phone I can’t. I have to be with her in my body.

So something big happened below my threshold of awareness. It manifested outwardly as all kinds of chaos and turmoil and fighting with life and the people around me up to and including thinking getting a divorce might be a good idea.

But that’s crazy. So it manifested as crazy. But that woman loves me. It’s not how I think it should be that’s all. But it’s her love not mine and she’s sharing it with me. It’s not her fault I think she’s trying to kill me (in a figure)

But that’s the man woman thing. He is supposed to be able to withstand her. She’s a force of nature though. The lightning can’t apologise. She needs you to be strong with her and be there for her.

And get out of her way. And don’t be mad when she comes at me not telling me what’s going on because I don’t need to know. Lol

It’s not easy at all because it’s natural you pull different ways. Men and women aren’t the same.

So I know all that but I just came around again because she made a gesture towards me. She showed me I can trust her actually, not with the small stuff and it’s mostly small stuff, that’s what drives you crazy. But she’ll come around when she gets to it. Not on my schedule. But she will. That’s giving me what she has.

So I just rolled over and said ok. If you can do that so can I. It’s not so bad, probably easier than a divorce. Cheaper too. It’s not such a shame, a shonda, they say in Yiddish, to make nice with her.

Look at me, all reasonable.
 
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