About me being a girl


idk, I feel different but it never lasts. It’s like I’m always fighting myself and the people around me. I can only stay quiet awhile then I start demanding things get fixed. Someone has to do it. That’s including me. Someone has to fix me. Screwing fixes me. So that’s like having someone to fix me or letting someone fix me. She does it for me wraps it up. “They” do it for me, whoever that means. It’s subjective and individual. But if someone is doing it for you? Idk about you, but that does it for me. Whatever else is going, goes. My relationship, it’s always the thing.

I was sitting with her awhile watching tv. Hanging around. We’ve been busy. We watched a thing on Sinatra. I think I’m musical, but I don’t get it. I think his voice is strange. I’d like to listen to him sing, but there were always blaring horn sections lol. I don’t like big band music. His voice is higher more nasal and the lower end vibrato is much less pronounced. I think when he first got big it was new. Bing Crosby was the big thing and he was older. Frank had the young sex appeal thing. He got a lot of women. Seemed like a lot of hell for him though. That Ava was quite a dish. I can see why that could drive a guy insane.

Liking women a lot is not necessarily conducive to happiness. Love hurts if you can feel it. I think that’s the point, it hurts so good.


Eh. My body causes a lot of this chaos. It’s not “me”. It’s a very much younger me. The girl boy and the little kid. They are entirely compartmentalised and a fully functioning part of my ? Psyche ? But they don’t function because that’s “not allowed”.
But that stuff that I refer to as my psychology is actually my body memories. It’s hard to deal with. It never went away I just repressed it. But whatever . I can’t even get away from it because of sex I suppose. If I were sexless I guess it wouldn’t be a thing. Or less of a thing idk. But I want to act in it constantly. It’s like everyone but much more with me. Want to get each other off just want to meet someone with the need. I like girls though lol. It’s different with girls. What’s that mean? Depends which one of us you ask.
But I get horny and it’s not long getting back to it and some one has to give me some attention lol. That’s me.


I’m enjoying being out of covid lockdown. Again, I had no idea the deleterious effects this was having on me. I’m really pissed now. It took me months to get coffee filters for my Chemex, I didn’t want to go to whole foods and line up with a stupid mask on. Plus the girls were home and I did not want to take them anywhere together, nobody likes that, they don’t get along, or subject poor handicapped persons to any more covid nonsense than could be assiduously avoided.

But I’m being mr reasonable now lol! I remember years ago thinking “it comes out somewhere “. Translation? I’m always taking it out on someone, or letting someone take it out on me.

I’m making coffee my wife’s coming home. I can’t make it at 530 anymore. I drink it iced and make it the day before. I grind the beans. It takes about 20 minutes.
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We went to the special needs dentist with the girls today. They moved the people out of the office we’ve been going who habe the state insurance. It’s 20 minutes further away and we were very attached to the previous office. But it was ok and we had 2 good reports, no cavities. We stopped at Burger King and celebrated.


I don’t feel great and as usual I want to have sex to fix me. I’m not supposed to go to my wife with this though and the “position” I adopted last week was “I’ll hang in there with you and ease off about sex”.

Well, in theory at least. To bad I couldn’t have sold it. I’m more convinced and concerned now that the prostate issues though not comfort or comforting are leading to this increased ? urgency.

But she didn’t but that ever because she’s different. Co operation on the basis of helping out your partner just isn’t there.

But it is actually on her terms being less than mine but she comes around about once a week which all things considered isn’t all that unreasonable . Plus maybe a quickie in between.

So here we are again. Probably about half way back down the mountain. Should I worry about gratifying my needs or just shut up and get on with it.

That’s the rub, isn’t it?


Might as well be up. It’s 330. Idk if my erection wakes me or I wake up with an erection. It finally went down. It’s stays like that seemingly forever. May as well write awhile.

I have to make soup in the morning and I’ll probably make mashed potatoes, about half a bag. They were a big hit last time I made them. Nobody’s getting any junk food. That changes things. What you’ll eat or not has a lot to do with how hungry you actually are.

I misbehaved yesterday but we made it up. I am lonely for her body in bed. We slept together thirty years. We are having sex still. Over all? At about the average pace. Never seems to be any extra. It’s always trending towards less. It’s always moving towards having to fight for it. It’s stupid because people are so desperate for it. There’s plenty to bitch about when you have love but it beats no love.

There are some crickets because it’s late summer. Not very much. The night noises in the woods were so overwhelming by comparison. Here it’s quiet. We don’t get so much of the flora and fauna you get ashore. No lightning bugs, but no mosquitoes.

She didn’t have an orgasm last time and I’m desperate for it lol. I gave her orgasm mostly. I didn’t miss many. I think it would be maybe twice in a row sometimes but never any longer. Then I’d get a really big one. A girl will put up with a lot if she’s getting that. I know her, I know what our bodies are like together.

So we have been supposed to be leaving on a trip but we might not. This was not someone we would have gotten through without fighting. We are we aren’t. We want to we don’t. 2 Libras. No one ever decides anything.

I don’t think I’m going to get mad this time. Bottom line? What’s going to increase the likelihood we will sleep together. That makes it easy. My wife took 2 weeks off so she’ll come up with something.

My fair lady is such a great movie and a perfect picture of so many of the aspects of the relationship between men and women.

“And than rather than do either you do something else that neither likes at all”.

I don’t care except I like to travel. We fought the last time though. I am back to thinking a lot about fighting is me but whatever. It’s hard to be non violent . It’s hard to even think about it. If you don’t fight people, you fight them off. So it seems we are, or I am, always at war on some front.

A journalist got arrested yesterday, a right winger. She was doing investigative reporting. This is all political and I’m not going to talk about it, but it’s significant she got arrested. She filmed it. A short message on YouTube and a movie of hers got released. It’s on YouTube, it’s called shadow gate. I watched it. Fighting city hall is not without risk it seems. I hope they are ok. Too many people getting hurt these days but, real change? you might break a few eggs. Scary stuff. I knew all this was coming though.

Idk what’s going to happen now with us. Travel is also risky right now but we might not get another chance. The trip got screwed up because everyone was in flux during the planning stage and schedules for changes and the dates didn’t work. So she tried to swing everything on the fly and come up with a new itinerary on the fly but it’s not that easy booking hotels and all that so, nothing to get upset about. It’d be nice to get out of here awhile though. Just because it’s the beach for a lot of people, it’s home for us.


I feel good because I’m going to get somebody off. This sounds so different than I’m going to have sex lol. The woman always knows he’s going to get off lol. That’s why he’s doing it. It’s really different of you want the other person to get off on you, in you I suppose.

I went back to sleep for an hour or so around 5. Horny as hell obviously. Phuck me phuck me phuck me. So boring lol. If it works. That’s the problem with things that work. You wanna keep doing it. My wife kept trying to make me different, it didn’t work. She’s no quitter, I’ll give her that.

I’ve been learning a new trick i could put it in accomplishments. There is a lot of new activity and seemingly some new people . There seems to be a few old regulars not around. I blocked many people who are active which makes it quiet. I never unblock even if I’m interested in the thread. Been there. I guess the board upgrade, if that’s what it was, shook things up a bit. That’s nice.

But the music thing is real interesting and my ear developed a little it’s sad it took so long but I didn’t practice. It’s hard to commit like that because you think “What if I don’t get anything in return”? That’s a fallacy. You always get something in return proportional to the effort you put in. Except maybe with people (just kidding), Difficult people build character.

It the guitar has systems of scales designed to help you learn the fretboard. You’ve got to be able to find the notes. You don’t have to know their names though people say that. If you play enough you’ll know them it’s unavoidable. I do think learning them first is a good idea for us average people who aren’t born with an intuitive ear. It gives you a map.

My guitar teacher didn’t do it . He wanted to do songs . He was right I suppose it’s another way. I think the old way is better. A combination of both depending on the student’s character. I think songs are harder . But rhythm and wrote learning are fine. You just have to make yourself practice and you have to give up other things.

So the major scales have 5 shapes that combine all 7 modes and comprise an octave or the whole fretboard. All the notes. Three notes per string is a different grouping. Idk if one is better, easier to learn or more conducive to anything about actually playing the guitar. I see it as another tool and since I know the cages patterns adding these will be easy enough.

Reaching the notes on the strings that cover 3 frets makes it different and I’ll watch my body do it I’d I adopt those patterns. It’s because I want to know (more directly, what’s just above and below where I am. Jumping a few frets is probably specific to a piece of music. That would involve targeting. That’s just more and more and more practice though.


We aren’t going anywhere, boy am I happy. We aren’t getting along well enough or feeling that great or all of the above. We will try and put the house in some kind of order. She’ll be home 2 weeks . That’ll be enough if we can get something done.

I really didn’t want to go but she always made me feel guilty like I should or had to do things and I’d be resentful. Really I was upset for a few moments then I was like , I do t have to go, thank you God. It was all about her and what she wanted to do. I get to come along and enjoy the fringe benefit.

But you know what? I didn’t want to go. She says “oh you never want to do anything “. I think I never get to do anything I want anyway lol.
if I’m going to have to fight you for whatever it is, I do t want it that much. Except sex, and staying home I’ll probably get it a few times. On the road, it’s out of the question, so what’s it to me?
yeah it’d be nice to see my daughter but it all started out with my son finishing his hitch in the military and you know what?

It was what she wanted to do. None of it had anything to do with me.


After sex blues. It’s like being a girl. I need attention. I gave you an orgasm, can you give me a hug? Yes I want sex always. It never seemed guilty. It never seemed like doing anything wrong .

But I still get to be nice , that’s it’s own reward, and it’s actually fun. I like spoiling her. There are several people talking in those statements. It’s difficult being without the therapist because you know who refuses to come to the phone. No therapy going on.

It’s lonely.


So much to write but I haven’t be en able to do it. Idk. 24 hrs into vacation meaning my wife’s home. I like it I want to be with her. I’m going to try going to work somehow. I found a website where a girl makes “side hustle” videos . I like her naturally. But it’s not that I have a sincere desire to do something I can do for financial gain. So side hustles means part time flex hours anything for cash with a flexible schedule. That’s all I have to say about that.

Therapist tomorrow and I have to try and behave. I’m ok. Girl me is feeling abandoned again because we can’t meet with the therapist in person. She is better though it’s not like before. I’m not nearly as out of control.

I know because I’m not looking so much to beat someone up. I have to leave my wife alone about sex. She’ll do it like I said. It just takes her forever, oh well. She can’t budge. I’ve been beating that dead horse 30 years. But she is ok really. That’s her? It’s not me, I should never take her personally. What are you going to do? After all we have been through? Complaining makes things harder.

I just cut my hair it didn’t go so well lol. It’s tricky and I was feeling confident I guess and I didn’t let myself go slow and I made a couple mistakes. It can always be fixed, it just has to be real short. I try to fade it and I kept making it uneven so you start going back and forth and it gets worse and worse lol. Idk what it looks like really with the glasses and mirrors and trying to cut it from behind oh well. At least when it’s screwed up I’m not mad at anyone.

Which is why I’m better ? I mean it’s not like anyone’s who is going to see me would care, what with the kids with purple hair in their pjs with tattoos and piercings. But I don’t want to be the old guy with his fly down either, I was out front with my shorts inside out the other day.

But I’m not feeling like a loser because I screwed up something so hard to do. I’m not a wizard. And I’m better at it and at these lengths, which are SO short, it grows mostly back in about a week and I can put my hat on till then if I have to. Next month it’ll be cool again anyway and I always wear a hat.

Cutting it is awful at home it’s a mess but it’s really challenging and I love/hate it. I hate the barber shop it’s a thing I have about men? I can’t do the things the men do. Even on the male survivor site I used to read the guys were much more like guys than I am. The girls in the salons are hit and miss. If you manage to find a good one, she leaves.
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Another day another battle. I don’t feel like doing it. I just do r feel like explaining again why she’s wrong and that she has to consider me as a person even though I’m her husband which means I don’t count.

But she beat the hell out of me for years and I do t mean physically but the men know it and the women won’t admit it. I couldn’t defend myself against her in the real world. Every time she got a chance to do what she wanted and I couldn’t stop her she phucked me over. Always behind my back. Then she tries to buy me off meaning she says “I do this or that, so you can’t complain”.

But now I can say no and she can’t stop me about this one thing. She’s trying to phuck me over I know exactly what she’ll do and I’ll go running to her crying and saying “how could you”.

Which is the same bs from day one. Her choice is always “you can get out”. That means “you can’t do anything about it”.

If I had had money she’d probably be gone. After all the lawyers are lined up to “help” women phuck their husbands over in phony divorces that of course she says “are better for everyone “.

This is what you have to deal with if you want to be married. I told her last week I wouldn’t do this anymore . I basically said “I’ll let you phuck me over”, because I don’t feel like getting a divorce.

Plus my best buddy gave me the “get a job” routine yesterday on the phone which hurt my feelings. I love him though too.

I guess that’s just what love is like, you have to put up with a lot of bs.

We will see. She might come in here this morning but I won’t be surprised either way? She never lets me feel like I’m important though, just like something she has to deal with, or get out of the way. I know better than to fight it.

But it gets to me. Especially when I think I could be with a woman who wanted me around, even if it was only for awhile. That’s lonely and sad. I get to keep going and doing all my duties but no love or fake love.
Fake love is better than none lol.