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About me being a girl

Thread starter #745
I don't say what's on my mind lol. I just read the last post and I was trying to say it. IDK if I'm lazy or what. I'm just not any good at winning and my wife is real good at it. That sums it up. I probably won't say it to the therapist even though I love her. It's hard to be so lonely. I want to identify with people but I don't fit anywhere. I knew a guy once at the last job I had who was a gay republican? He used to love making them all mad at him, but he was a big bastard, about 230 lbs and he wasn't fat. lol. That kind of physicality comes in handy when you are arguing with people. But my wife isn't about to budge. I feel sympathy now for guys having affairs. It makes me sad though. He wants love at home and lots of times she just can't.
 
Thread starter #746
My wife’s home for vacation and we are hot and heavy lol. I talked to the therapist yesterday and I said something and made her mad. I’m very tied into her. It’s a real relationship just short of sexual, that’s me though. She would deny it. I feel her though and that’s close to being sexual for me because I assume she feels me too. I said some stupid thing and “all the air went out of the room”. That’s what she’s like she can’t hide it. She’s so passionate lol. That’s because she’s Italian, she says so herself.

My wife and I had a trip planned we didn’t take and it’s very happy we stayed home together instead and we are making love so something is going ok, we’re doing something right.

My wife came back to bed not last night, the night before. I’d how long it had been, too long. I was really excited. She was on the couch again last night or her room lol. I’m going to go get her and make much of her in a bit. So glad we stayed home.
 
Thread starter #747
This is me trying to get my head around the new “hangout”.

I’m curious how it works it must be live posting I suppose. I’ve learned the hard way it’s not for me. Social media. But it’s nice to say hi occasionally. There was a time back in the old private posting days when I was looking for ? Like hook ups online? Is that how you say it? When AOL was “new” I had this friend who used to “hot chat”. Virtual cheating. Very naughty. LOL.
 
Thread starter #749
I don’t feel great this morning or last night . The things that are bothering me I know why. There’s nothing I can do though. Try not to be angry and do what I can to help.

I don’t feel like writing which is part of “I feel bad”. I do feel like writing but I can’t say what I want. It’s the title of the thread , about me being a girl.

There is a political dimension, they are doing something that affects me personally. They are going to get around to all of us. It’s my turn though, and I’m going to fight back. I’m not going to talk about it yet .

So all that added up I’m miserable and on top of that I’m horny. My wife’s around and I have to dance to her tune. I want to make love always when she’s around. She likes it but she won’t say so. She likes that I want her so bad. That’s her schtick. It’s her carrot too, lol. She wants wants to get paid for it. I’m trying to pay as much as possible with niceness as the currency. It works , but she wants to know it’s worth “anything”. It obviously is. Take a look around.

Cabbage soup is still working, my prostate is uncomfortable but I have to deal with nightly erections. I remember before I started on the cabbage soup, being worried I couldn’t get an erection, which did happen sometimes. I’m not having that problem now.
 
Thread starter #750
We had a little blow up in the car but I shut up and let my self get over it and we went on. It’s just hard to be “vigilant” always. Have always to have on the old A game. I think I can do it but everyone screws up. She’s been home all week it went by way too fast. I can just hang out with her when she’s around, can’t do much else.
 
Thread starter #751
People are so dumb but then, so aren’t I. That’s not correct is it? So are not I? I’m dumb that’s what this post is about. cPTSD made me dumb. That’s what I’m thinking this morning.

I realized that I’ve been trying to play classical guitar all these years and not the blues which came out of a combination of black southern music combined with the psychedelic music that was adopted by the the hippie drug culture in the 60s.

I was watching a documentary on Cream and Eric Clapton and this guy came right out and said it. They were all playing Robert Johnson and Muddy Waters blues riffs and got pretty famous and then Jimmy Hendrix went to England and embarrass them all.

A real black blues musician, imagine that. Cracks me up. We were all so dumb we didn’t even understand what we were listening to and me?

40 years later and I’m figuring out what I’ve been trying to play, and I just bought a rock n roll guitar, lol!
 
Thread starter #752
I gained five or ten pounds since I wrote about it last. They were yelling at me about being skinny again, which was true. But now I’m eating and gaining weight which means I’ll keep gaining weight. But everyone argues with me about everything. We are in church at home. I have to write and stuff and get up and down and eat. It’s the only way I can concentrate.
 
Thread starter #753
We are in a thunderstorm pattern which really puts a damper on afternoon outdoor activities and everyone ends up running off the beach and the traffic backs up leaving town.
 
Thread starter #754
I wanted sex yesterday but she wanted to go without. I did it but it’s hard for me. I figure it’s hard for her so I did it for her sake. We hung out.

I’m not as anxious. Not by a lot. Anxiety was my main symptom, the main throng that categorized me as symptomatic, the main thing that made me have episodes. Self concern. It’s boring. It’s being upset about how I feel as if that’ll accomplish anything except making me miserable. If I’d realized this wasn’t normal and I could takes medicine for it life might’ve been different. That’s irrelevant now. Like all that anxiety was all along.
We were talking about pre destination again yesterday and church and stuff , studying church history. The Areminians the Calvinists and the Lutherans . Nobody knows anything. We know how to make some stuff work, some technology, other than that we don’t know anything about history or ourselves. Why worry about it. We are very brief and then we depart. Thence all depart.

We went over some difficult (as of any of it wasn’t difficult) in Ephesians. Torturous. Thinking about being a sinner and a regenerate believer at the same time, I got a headache. I wrestled with that thirty years and of course it can’t be resolved. Then I said screw it and stopped thinking about it. We found a Catholic radio stations at night in the thunderstorm, they were talking about all whacky stuff. It’s incredible how diverse the belief systems are .

So we never left the house yesterday and back to the school routine tomorrow . I want to fool around in the morning and I hope she gets around to me but it’s been fun. We started fights a couple times but I was laughing and I’d just say “ok ok you win” and we won’t fight and I promised to be good and so on. I was a little uncomfortable hanging around but I played the guitar a lot and took my medication and the time goes by. I feel less anxious if we make love every few days which is my body clock. With lots of touching and kissing in between. She’s always shooing me off lol. She lets me rub her feet though. In other words she likes the exact thing she accused me of , wanting pleasure for me and not considering my partner. Not just any partner, she isn’t concerned with how I was with other women. She cares about herself. That’s the rub. She’s not the only one.

I’m awake it’s 4 am. I can get up and have coffee in an hour and fifteen.
 
Thread starter #755
I had to do my errands and I wanted something in a store and I couldn’t go in because of stupid c19 which isn’t even a thing for all intents and purposes and it pisses me off that people who you’d otherwise think sane are lined up outside a store in 95 degree weather for nothing. For the sickness that isn’t wasn’t and won’t be. So stupid. I just hope they put the kids back in school but I’m not sure even about that now because they are saying flu shots are mandatory for students. Until it’s challenged in court anyway. I feel so sorry for parents with young children. What a miserable mess to have to try and deal with, as if raising a family wasn’t hard enough. The republic has weathered some hard times and I guess it’s our turn and I shouldn’t complain.
 
Thread starter #756
It’s 4am and I’m up again worrying about getting a job which is the same as saying why can’t I do anything, which I can’t, or at least I don’t . I’d prefer not to, is a line from a short story by Herman Melville. But that’s being miserable, which won’t help fix anything. I guess that means I’m depressed but that’s nothing new.

We made love yesterday and no body got off. It was fun though and we held hands in the car and stuff the rest of the day and it was a nice day. I took the girls for a walk very late, we got home around seven and the sun is going down earlier now.

Summer is over though it could go on another month. Everything is dry and the plants are all burnt like the lawns and so on. I hadn’t noticed being as insulated as I am.
The beach thing will change in the next two weeks, after Labor Day everyone gives up on the beach usually but now, who knows. The dogs come back mid September, which I hate the thought of it.

So, idk. That’s it. Phone therapy today I do t feel like it lol. That’s the feeling, a malaise. I can blame covid but this is just me , I’ve always been like this . I can blame cPTSD, it which creates or exacerbates the situation. That’s why therapy. I do t want to think about it which I call meditation. I can’t play the guitar hours on end because my wife complains and I can’t clean because she’s underfoot. The cleaning has fallen off though during covid. Could be more than one thing. I’ll probably clean today. I’m pretty desperate. We will see what happens if anything about sec this morning. We are in love which is nice. It seems funny to say that givin what I just said but, we are. There’s no explanations for it, like for most things.

We don’t really know much of anything not even about ourselves. Maybe mostly that. We make cool gadgets now. These are things my mind wanders to. I like computers and iPhones, fun toys. That’s all engineering mostly, which is the only real science going on these days.

I’ve been being nice with my wife we aren’t fighting. Have to make cabbage soup on the morning. If I wait till afternoon I won’t do it.

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