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About me being a girl

Thread starter #757
It’s funny how I think she’s in love with me the way I want always, total projection. I see what I want in her or I see myself? Anyway, not so in love this morning because jumping back in bed was like nowhere on her priority list. It’s fine we aren’t going to do battle, we’ve done that thirty years. I’m trying not to be all about myself and so something for her but the things I think I should do for her are not tho ha she wants. The physical touching without sex she likes but I love it because I see a happy ending. Not just for me? Like she thinks I’m mad because I want to “have an orgasm” but I don’t, I want “us” to have an orgasm because I want it to be “us” about everything? Not her , she wanted (and wants) a husband in name only. It’s sad, but it is what it is, it’s not impossible, just difficult.
 
Thread starter #758
So much going on. Today I cooked and cleaned. The cleaning was long overdue. We went for a walk late. There were thunderstorms around but I checked the radar. I knew it might be close and a squall did blow through. It didn’t rain but we got under a cloud and the wind shifted and started blowing pretty stiff right in our faces. It wasn’t cold, but it was an effort to walk into it. Probably 30 mile an hour winds I’d guess and gusty. A nice excitement at the end of a hot day. We were inside mostly during the heat.
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I had phone therapy today which I really don’t like and I had to make a real effort to be patient. I know it’s hard for her too but it’s not working for me really and it’s frustrating.
 
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Thread starter #760
I’m glad you like them, the therapist told me I had an eye for pictures but I never thought so. If I think about it, I start “trying” and whatever it is stops working. I am reflexive about the camera now, and once we got cell phone cameras I have never stopped taking them. Even in the car (which I shouldn’t do that lol)
 
Thread starter #761
I’m a Christian and I love hate my religion. I have a love hate relationship with everything. I love and read a Hindu I’m enamored of. I don’t know any Hindus except this one couple at the gym and now we don’t go anymore . I doubt I’ll ever go back to the Y I always thought it was dirty and they are not strict enough about keeping it clean at all. I am afraid to get sick in there. That’s the only place.

But anyway I get a headache just thinking about church and I’m not supposed to feel like that and I have my own philosophy in regards to church and what we are and aren’t supposed to do. It’s such a pain though and they all fight about it and I can’t stand them it’s awful. The first rule is “love one another”, probably because it’s such an effort. Don’t love your neighbors wife while you’re at it lol. Everyone sitting there Sunday morning after having been fighting like hell on the way to church and probably with a hangover lol. Mom always looks good though.

I talk to God now, I didn’t years ago I thought I should be ashamed. I don’t talk to anyone else though which also makes me not such a good boy. Being good has never been my strong suit.

Beyond that you have to get into a lot of theology and know what you are saying and why and most people don’t . Ignorance of the law is no excuse, lol.
 
Thread starter #762
My wife and I are in sexual limbo having “gone to bat” a couple times and struck out. I love it because I’m furtive about sex and I’d love doing it 3 times a day. It’s promiscuous behavior trying to survive in a marriage. I always wanted to be promiscuous but I couldn’t be a boy or a girl so I couldn’t do it. I didn’t put myself in the right places.
But that was all a long time ago.
I still have to deal with it. I still have to remember I didn’t ask for this and I’m not “like this”, I was made into this. Thank you.
But I’ve been through it all now. All the fallout. There isn’t going to be a big resolve. Nothing os ever going to get fixed. I’m ok with that. Every day I don’t feel like committing suicide is pretty much a good day, regardless what else goes on. That’s not to say I’m “satisfied”, but I don’t see much of that anywhere, so who am I to complain?
I know people try for “thriving” in “recovery”. I haven’t given up on it. I don’t have it, I’m not doing it. I don’t want to say “this is all there is”. But if I don’t I’m striving again and I’m so tired of riding the stair master on the road to nowhere.
I have to keep the body going. Safety food sex cleanliness. Not necessarily in that order. Then you die. That’s it. I had a big hill to climb and a big hurdle to over come which was why was that going on when I was a little kid and why did it continue going on into my late teens? That had to be reconciled because the body couldn’t continue not knowing. Not knowing and or not telling. As Elisa Doolittle said “Now you know, don’t cha”? I know alright. It’s better than the alternative. That don’t make it easy.

We didn’t walk yesterday and it was really beautiful so that bugged me. We were hard up against the tide. I thought I might take a bike ride with the girls but then I’d have to get the bikes in shape and I didn’t have the energy.
 
Thread starter #763
This is a rant about politics you’ll forgive me if you make the mistake of reading it. : )

Wow there is a lot going on. The war started in Wisconsin. I didn’t expect that. There are arguments it started a long time ago which it did, but a vigilante from our side killed a couple of them. He is just a kid and has been charged with multiple counts of first degree murder for doing what the cops refuse or have been told not to do. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is the “blood spilling” has started now.

I don’t want to bore anyone or be an a hole. That’s just my perception of events. I said it that way to avoid discussion of particulars about right and wrong and all that and just show the division, which is what starts war. Like in Colombia in one of my all time favorite books it’s the right vs the left. “A hundred years of solitude”. Nothing new.
But so far it’s been the left yelling “you’re killing us” and protesting the unfairness with burning, looting, rioting and killing. Now it’s happened in the streets.

Like I told you it would.
 
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Thread starter #764
So the political ranting out of the way and not to confuse the two I’m here for my cPTSD, which naturally politics and violence upset me. Who doesn’t want safety?

But I am going to Uber in the age of Covid I guess. I have to kinda it’s a gesture . And taskrabbitt I think. App based work. Leave the people out . I know Uber means people in the car but I was in business for myself and customers are easy, they want their backs rubbed. Bosses suk. But I will talk about that as it unfolds. I’m pretty sure I decided though I have to at least do it once.

We are having a good time I had a great vacation my wife’s lol. I didn’t get extra sex, but I got a lot of extra time with her and that’s nice. She gave me head yesterday but she wouldn’t “let” me. I hate waiting, I’m all in love. I talked to my buddy yesterday and he was all pissed at his wife. Same games exactly. Pushing and pulling. You don’t want me I want you and vice versa. And being mad about it, mostly a man thing. I know all about it. I’ll make you happy with sex if you behave. : ). But I’m a bad girl. Sigh.

The therapist is playing a texting game with me. I won’t talk to her on the phone as a punishment because she abandoned me. THIS IS GIRL ME.

So I get to send her a two word text a day which makes me furious of course because part of my oral fixation is talking. Now I’m gonna be off the hook awhile because everyone will be all blown away by me doing Uber because “they never thought they’d get me to go back to work”. I’m not even going to mention the arthritis or cancer because my wife is always giving me the martyrdom routine, deservedly so. It’s all about who is bending over for whom.
Now I have to shut up or I’ll say too much and be in trouble again.
 
Thread starter #765
We spent the day in RI which I think we were supposed to quarantine but maybe not? They took 4 states off the list today. (Referring to travel between states) We skipped our vacation and just got by on a day trip. We had a nice day. There was a motorcycle accident in the other lane in the way back. Looked like a fatality. Traffic coming out of the city was backed up for miles and miles.

We explored a fort down on the Newport waterfront which was a real snooze but we just did it to get out and go for a walk with the girls who always are in need of exercise, us too.

I am much better and way more patient particularly with my wife i let lots of stuff go now and I think wow, that would have made me furious. I’m glad I don’t feel furious nearly as much these days.
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Thread starter #766
I don’t feel great I had a bad dream. Sad and lonely. That means I want love or sex, which I don’t see the difference.

Newport is so much money and so much by the sea, the deep water harbor allows for boats being inside and not having to get smashed around in the ocean. So it’s full of big beautiful boats worth millions and racing teams on specially designed team racing boats. Sailing mostly, it’s being one of the sailing capitals of the world. It’s so picturesque, very beautiful. I’ve spent lots of time in beautiful places.

I was thinking about the white mountains which is also not very far. There is a place around the highest mtn there it’s very remote, rugged and stunningly beautiful.

Time to get up and see if we are going to fool around this morning. She never comes to bed after we do something or go somewhere. She was explaining yesterday she wanted me to do things but I have to fight her. She says I’d rather you decide you want to do things with me, but then she fights me and tries to make me do something else. We managed to have a nice day though. A short trip and no fighting. She tries to make me tell her to do things but then she says “I don’t want to”. So I gave up long ago. It’s like her saying she wants to fight me and she wants me to win so maddening. I’m not really like that, I’m just not competitive and I think it’s a feminine characteristic. It’s probably because I think it means winning a struggle? But when she wins she makes you think it’s your idea. She wins by guile, not direct action. I don’t mean girls aren’t competitive but when she wins at love it’s a submission too. Hard to deal with.
 
Thread starter #767
My news reports are slow out of Australia (my favorite) and a US source is also offline so I have nothing real interesting pending and my wife’s asleep bummer. Sometimes if I have enough energy, I want to phuck or fight about it. That’s what she calls “starting in on her about sex and I do. I told her all that and apologized years ago though. Women all know anyway that sex is what works on him. Probably food too. One of my old girlfriends who I really liked in bed used to say “feed me, phuck me” about men. That’s all there was to it. I’m not subject to food really or my wife can’t cook is more apt or had an overeating problem. That ruined the whole food/comfort thing. If you want to clean and cook people love you. I clean cook and give bjs, I just wish I was making a living at it.
 
Thread starter #768
Fighting about sex again lol.

I started some new supplements and I don’t remember the timeline of what I’m about to say but, I’m a little overwhelmed by the dreams I’m having now, content and amount. I get up more because of my prostate and I’m dreaming as I come out of sleep, it’s quite disturbing and extremely vivid.

We went walking yesterday afternoon pretty late and it was showering. We took umbrellas. It was very hot and humid so there were people on the beach in spite of the rain. People without AC I suspect. I notice there are people down here who have this weird belief you shouldn’t run the air conditioners since we live on the water. That’s true some of the time but hardly all of the time. We run it all summer like the heat in winter, and never open the house because if you do the street and the neighborhood is in the house with you. Life at the beach.
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