So I’m also bored but it’s Labor Day, so I’m not even going to try, I’m in bed and I’m going to write about my health now which is probably bothering me along with my trauma/psycho sexual issues.
I have my cancer screening next week. I’m probably really nervous. Ive been doing good and trying hard but it’s not feeling so great. I’m also hyper vigilant meaning I’m a hypochondriac. I do have prostate cancer though. I have a thread about it but I don’t want to resurrect that. So I spoke to the urologist and I wrote that he was like, “you’re in remission” and I didn’t argue but next week I get the blood work and the physical exam which is very difficult for me.
Plus I’m having symptoms now . I’m getting up about every three hours to pee and the urge is getting more severe, while the flow is decreasing in general. Also there is some pain and swelling of the testes, which was why I went for the original exam.
So yeah, not real happy about any of that. I’ll probably keep posting since I’m bored and anxious, and there is plenty to do but forget it, it’s a holiday, lol.
I’m listening to this girl and it’s a YouTube channel and I like her a lot and I think she’s really smart but I know she has issues in her English language usage.
This is a real problem, and I know everyone has been let down by the education system and I’m fortunate because I tested out in the 80th percentile on the tests for usage and comprehension, and that wasn’t from any effort on my part.
I can hear it, I know it’s wrong. I might not know why, I might have to look it up, but it’s going to make me hesitate because I know there is a difference. I’m not a public figure though, I’m not trying to be taken seriously, I’m not trying to convince people I know what I’m saying.
She is though, and she left a link to an article she’d written, and I was interested, and I really wanted to hear what she had to say, and I couldn’t get through the first couple paragraphs. The thing was fifth grade reading level at best and the mistakes made it impossible.
It matters. But recently, and more than once online, I’ve heard people who “create content” ask “please don’t correct the usage and pronunciation”, and that the people doing so are too gruff, insistent and even viscous.
But it has to be approached passionately because it’s not ok. People try and correct it because it’s horrible to listen to, and reflects so badly on the person doing it. I understand it’s not professional, and that people can’t afford to be proof read, but if you are going to create content with the goal of gaining subscribers, you should have it checked at least for the grade level you are presenting at, and if it’s poor you can try and improve.
Hi diary. Dear diary. Idk. Sounds ?? But diaries are a thing, much of what we know about the Civil war here in the US comes from diary entries and personal letters.
I have tele therapist in and hour which I consider a waste of time and a foul up of my day. I think I used to feel like that driving in there too because I’d go right to pick up my daughter which meant it was a five hour thing. But I made it like my alone time too. So I was getting something out of it. Plus I was going to a “hip” neighbourhood in the city, a very rich Jewish college neighborhood. I like seeing the Jews coming from and going to the temple, all dressed up. We have to do with some of the Jews here in my town. I’ve always liked them, they make me seem “easy”. Plus I am that brand of Christian that consider the Jews are Gods people still, a 2 thousand year old religious debate. I won’t bore you with the theology which I only partly understand myself. I suspect I may be partially Jewish as we came from that area in NY city and who knows? We have no notion of our actual ancestry. I’d like to get it done but, not unless things change enough politically that I feel it’s safe to go passing my DNA around.
I never posted that last post. Reads like “somebody else” wrote it. That’s my parts. I’m angry about being what I am, what they made me. You aren’t that, you just want to do that or rather, let that be done. It’s a reflection of normal which is a reflection of something else. Before the fall or something. The difference between men and women or the difference between a “boy being a girl and a girl being a boy”.
I wrote all this out though . I don’t feel like going over it I just want to do it. Like it’s hormonal. I’m pissed off I know all this and have to (try) and deal. Life’s hard enough. “Just be yourself”, very glib. I’m trying. I wanted to edit my avatar but I’m too lazy. The girls at the MMA gyms paste fight like a girl stickers on their cars. Can I get a date ? LOL. Fighting like a girl is different, I’m trying.
Humidity is 94% and my arthritis is so bad it hurts to pick up the guitar. This is why older people move, out west in particular. We are taking a trip next week I thought only I was taking. That’s my wife not telling me. She expects me to know. So we all have to go instead of just me. Ah well I’ll be able to practice being nice. Going away will do us all good. Not really but whatever. The girls like riding in the car all day. It’ll be nice to see my son. I’ve been thinking about it again means, “trying to prepare mentally”. I’m a little impatient and out of sorts this morning. I need some one to do me a favor and shut me up. I’ll have to be a good boy and wait though she’s busy. It’ll be a couple more days.
My hands were better yesterday, playing was easier. We walked in the humid rain. Hot as hell. Beach mostly deserted. So humid you wanted to take off all clothes lol.
The beach is sculpted, I find that so fascinating. The tide moves so much material around. We had a tide pool full of hermit crabs and a school of minnows. Very unusual on the beach it’s flat. It gets carved into what I’d call tiers, and the water usually runs out from behind them. So it’s not flat, there is a difference of about 12 feet from low water to the berm.
I have to get my oil changed. I can go for a little ride by myself. I have to make a cigarette run maybe. That’s a ride out of state. This week is going to be rough, we are going out of state. Making appointments is impossible. I have my cancer screen this week too. I don’t trust them at all. I like them. Like and trust though?
My wife is around and I wait on her. “I just want to start, a flame in her heart”. What’s wrong with love?
It’s been going great I leave her alone she leaves me alone and I treat her nice and when she gets around to it we jump in bed. Loves grand. She’s always bitching about me but I shouldn’t do the same, not if I wanna get laid lol.
We just made love and it seems impossible at my age and having been married so long it can keep getting better and better. It’s all positional. I’m not going to bother trying to explain it because nobody gets it anyway. Maybe the trans people do but, I’m not involved with anyone, I’m involved in avoiding everyone. I’m getting what I need. That said, everything else is inconsequential. I have things to do but I don’t feel like moving off the spot I’m on. You have to though because everything changes. It took me a lifetime to arrive here it would be nice to enjoy it awhile but, everything moves. I was reading the maharaj yesterday, he influences my thinking a lot. Chapter 99. “The perceived can’t be the perceiver”.
It was freezing in the beach yesterday! Fall is here. I have to bundle up I’m so skinny and always cold. Now they all have to listen to me saying “I’m freezing”, always lol. I have to get a winter coat and I’m putting It off, like everything. It was cloudy, the sun cane out later in the afternoon. The wind was blowing off the water pretty fresh, it was in the low sixties and humid. Freezing. I had on a heavy chamois shirt, a hoodie and a windbreaker I put on while we stopped at the bathroom which was closed. Shorts and bare feet though. I started wearing my hat again, because my head is mostly shaved. My daughters that was with me yesterday can’t feel the cold like the rest of us, she was smiling away happily. We love walking on the beach!
But she didn’t so I’m fighting with her now. I didn’t get my fill. It’s ok but I hate fighting. I have to straighten her out though, it’s my job. I just can’t stand that she gets away with it and she looks right at me and calls it fair. I have to put up with her and she doesn’t have to put up with me. But I know she’s lying. I know she knows it. Patience teaches or you learn by seeing. What she says is one thing, but she does another. We will see tomorrow is another day but it’s always been too late. Day late dollar short. It makes me miserable. She says I’m miserable anyway. Maybe? She’s never done it . She did it a lot more years ago but I had to fight her always . She bit and scratched. I can never do anything without her screwing me over. Always the same game. You do for me, I do what I feel like.
I wish this didn’t happen, that I didn’t feel like this, but I say if you’re going to make me miserable, well, misery loves company. : )
I decided what to do, hitting head on is not effective. There are things I’ll do not because I want to like drive the kids, but nothing else. Like going places with her, anything really, it’s a nightmare the way we are. It’s not really anyone’s fault. I do t even want to do that anymore though. I know how I’m just sick of doing it. It’s lonely.
I made nice with my wife, if I act like a girl it’s fine. I’m furious because I’m having to shop for a thing I need and it’s difficult I HATE shopping and being inconvenienced because I just need something taken care of and I don’t want it to be a hassle. But it’s a huge hassle with a time constraint. Plus I’ll end up spending a lot for something I don’t really want because what I wants not available. : (. I should be grateful I CAN do it and all that lol. I’m miserable though. Getting intimacy would help a lot! Can’t have everything I guess.