I don't think she's going to come in here this morning, I have to try and be patient. She really put me.through it though, all these years. It’s the way things are, with husbands and wives. Raising hell about it just makes it worse. She also took care of me and sexually she understands me and she likes it to whatever extent meaning it works for both of us. She just needs it about half as much as I do, oh well. Could be worse. People go without or have affairs. Too much trouble. She could do it this morning, she could’ve last night but, she waits to see if I’m going to bust her balls lol. Then she definitely won’t. Me being good is no guarantee, she loves to try me, she loves to make me beg. That’s the rub. Before they marry they’ll do anything. After that, she did her thing. It’s romance she loves, because romance is conquest. But whatever. My cancer thing went well. She’ll come around eventually. It’s not a bad practice to be grateful for what you have.
She did come in it was fun so naturally I feel pretty good now. But my son came to the surface/showed up. This is going to require a great deal of patience on my part because my wife has to act out her behavior with him and I have to tolerate them. It’s not such a cbg deal because he is the family hero, at least if he’s not, idk who is. He has already done a lot of things I’ve not been able to do and plays I’ve been feeling a lot like a girl lately which is hard on a man. I have to not let him see it which is going to be really difficult but I can’t let it come between us. The problem is girl me wants to open her big mouth in front of everyone and say “hey guess what”? That’s not going to happen. So it’s back to pretending only I have to pretend a lot harder (or easier) because it’s for someone else’s sake. If the kids aren’t a good enough reason to make sacrifices I guess there aren’t any.
We are in a small space here but there is plenty of work we can do to get busy. That’ll help. He is a really nice kid and I love him but he is a person too, which is hard because I’d like him to treat me like a person but he can’t. I’m his father. I can treat them like people but they don’t t like it because, dad has to behave the way they expect dad to behave.
I’m not really bemoaning any of this I’m become much more accepting of how things are. There are certain things to do that can help steer things in certain directions but in general you just have to go along and not fight too hard. That seems more and more to me where the bad behavior comes from in others. You expect it and act accordingly. A self fulfilling prophecy on steroids.
Mommie has me doing her bidding lol. She always does the same stuff. It’s painful, but I’ll trade what I think is ok, for sex. If I explained it to her she’d deny it. I promised I wouldn’t bitch about it but I’m going to put in for a little extra before I go. The way I phrase it should be explanation enough. I guess that’s a successful marriage. You can screw me if I can screw you. But she is directing things subliminally according to her own trauma. That’s why her stuff doesn’t work out right . We are the chess pieces in a different game. The real game is unseen, it’s in her / our feelings. (The story you are about to see is real, the names are changed, to protect the innocent).
We walked yesterday but I left the phone. It was the ebb tide (close enough), dead low. The beach is enormous. I’ll try and get a few pics today. My body feels good so horny. Horny is good. I wish I could talk to the therapist. Now we are at the real addiction. I love me lol. I’m the worst.
I wish I could tell someone all this but I admit it’d be hard to relate or understand for anyone actually concerned with getting on in the world. The way the explanation looks to me which is so straight forward wouldn’t suit about half of anyone who heard it because they’d be challenged by it. My explanation of how a girl feels lol. Or if they have to be accepting of it for whatever reason they just slap you with “that’s true for you”. Or how a boy feels for that matter since I have pretty well formed ideas about both. Factor in my trauma and trying to “stop fighting it” without wanting to seem like I need a protector and I’ll wash dishes and do housework and cook in exchange . And shop lol. Don’t forget that, and be the bus driver. All of which seems pretty desirable compared to other “work” situations. Benefits anytime friend. Can you put a price on that?
So strange , the stuff that posts and what doesn’t. What goes in the circular file in other words. I’ve been cooking after my wife ran me around all morning phoning and texting me things I could do (for her). She’d never say it was for her lol. I have to drive 16 hours tomorrow for her. No complaints either. She’s just busy getting a little extra while I’m “pliable”. I don’t even want to talk about it. I talked to my buddy this morning, he gets it. Then there is the whole thing with my son. So it’ll be those two against me except it never is, because he won’t do it. I was surprised the other day she told me the kids all ratted me out always. If that’s true, it means my wife never brought me up on it so, I don’t buy it. But anyway it was just me and stupid junkie behavior. I always thought they all were solid at the end of the day. They would come against me, but they wouldn’t sell me. I’ll never know now anyway and I don’t care anymore. I love everyone and I did what I could by them all really. I had no life outside them really after I was thirty. I was married with children. That was it.
But anyway dealing with them now and seeing the fallout and stuff sucks pretty much and is rather not do it, or deal with their mom when they’re around because, she’s different when they’re around. (My daughter just walked by and got a few instructions in, things I need to do for her lol)
We are a real Adams family. But it was a lot of love. It took a lot to withstand them all honestly, and it still does.
On a side note he is out of the army. Someone said you must be relieved, I never thought about it much. A few times I did. But he could’ve come home in a box. We all knew that, and he could’ve gone into combat. We didn’t know. He walked in there cold and signed up. So it went well. I guess he still has an obligation and they can call him up if the sh*t hits the fan. As usual even he doesn’t even understand how it works.
He was always just like that. So here he comes. Hope for the best, be prepare for the worst.
I was so busy all day . Made pancakes for breakfast then 2 batches of cabbage soup and went for a walk. One of my girls got picked up and dropped off and my wife was in and out. Full day. I have to drive all day and night tomorrow. I don’t mind too much. I’m not happy, but I can do it I’m pretty sure. It’s something a little different but I’ve don’t that ride few times . Pretty dull. At least the weather shouldn’t be a problem. I want to yell at them all for being so stupid I wish I didn’t have to but it’s how they are it’s how they do everything. Really maddening. Not them, just when it affects me because it always does. I have to deal with it. My wife used to want my mother over on the holidays always and I had to fetche her and bring her back. That used to ruin my whole day, but it made my wife happy. It was always something. There was always something she had to do that drove me crazy. I told her a bunch of times we had a big fight about this (getting my kid) but it’s the same sh*t. No matter what I get this. Round and round trying to get out of it and here I go again because the only way out would have been to leave her, and that was long ago that ship sailed, oh well! Might as well enjoy it!
We are having a nice time. I’m really glad. My son is happy to be out of the military, I get it. I still feel bad because I would have liked it if he had become successful but I understand not liking it. He did his job though, and it’s a good thing on the resume if he ever decides he wants to do anything else, which remains to be seen. In the meantime we can all hang around awhile. I am much different. I’m sure buying this place has helped a great deal. It makes us feel like we belong here. Like this is home finally. It’s not much. But I am much happier and more relaxed and I’m not so easily offended. Some people on bikes went buy a little too close and my son said something. Not to them, they were gone. I get it. I’m trying to lose that though. I’m trying to lose wanting to fight everyone who gets too close to me, or feel offended always by everyone. I don’t want to be at war, in other words. But that’s why I don’t like walking there. I always feel like that when I walk there.
We are in love idk what to say about that. It’s gone off and on like a light switch. When I’m in it I am ? I’m so happy and all I can think is I’ll never fall out of it this time. We are really tired and lying down. Together which is really nice. Yesterday was a long day. Tomorrow I hope I’m feeling better . We did go for a walk it’s really nice I just don’t feel great right now. We just ate so we are sleepy lol.
Love. That’s it. That’s it for me anyway. I guess it really is selfish but I can allow the physical overwhelm. It’s like saying I’m a heroine addict and as long as I have that I’m settled and I don’t give a phuck.
So for the next little while it’s my wife and my son and I have to give them room. I have to get out if the way and not get all messed up about wanting her attention because she wants to pay attention to him. A new toy.
He is a mess but he pulls himself together when he has to which of course is a problem for us. We can’t let him. I just have to trust she is on my side enough and together it’s ok. She let me know it was in bed yesterday. But I have to sus this all out in my feelings without asking her to explain. To make me feel safe with words. That’s pathetic lol. We both want to feel safe.
I know she’s there for me just like I know everything is fine at the end of the day. My wife came back to bed and she didn’t even ask me. I’m gonna pinch her I swear. Sometimes I think she has no feelings at all. That’s what it’s like being a top. You get to get on and off and run away laughing. Like just phuck me and be quiet about it I like you. I don’t mind. The therapist says I “Want it to mean something”. It being sex it love. It blows my mind she takes my side like that. Naturally that has to be a sex thing too. It wouldn’t have anything in it without love.