About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Here comes the follow up lol. I’m anxious and messed up because my son is now here underfoot. I feel really guilty about these feelings. But never mind. I’m going to bed and they all can sort it out amongst themselves. I always a wanted my wife all to myself and never any different. She’s leaving me here now in this mess WE made lol. There’s nothing for it but to laugh and I’d better get good at it or I’ll be crying again. WE, on one level at least, are better than ever before. But it’s the kind of love that excludes everything or worse, it wrecks everything around it because neither of us is fit for the hardships of marriage or family life, so we always faked it and it’s wicked in bed. There is a price though for everything. We are paying it. We always paid it. Being happy is the best revenge. But it’s far from perfect.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
This is a really perfect example BTW of how “not to behave” for me. Not to cause myself trauma or bring it on myself. I refuse to act right now except to be nice and friendly and inconspicuous. It’ll ruin them. I never accomplished anything anyway I just freaked out and scared everyone. If I’m calm cool and collected as though there were nothing bothering me, and no need to do anything, no anxiety in other words, they can’t really find fault. They can say “you aren’t doing anything”, but they can’t say, “you’re abusive”, if you’re not. Like very sweetly say, “who told you I was supposed to do anything”? My wife specializes in this horrible behavior. She abused me shamelessly all these years but she was SO nice about it. I absolutely love her. Her abuse is neglect. When someone isn’t doing anything TO you, and you are yelling about being abused it looks silly. LOL! It’s a perfect dodge.

She will look though to see how this is going to effect me psychologically. She is sweet underneath all that hard nosed stuff. I said yesterday I wonder if she’s not actually the sensitive one? She’s just good at keeping it all in.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Feeling better. I think Monday morning is like a recurring anxiety attack? But I did a few things and now I feel my purpose in life, and I know what I’m going to do about my wife and kid. One of the kids anyway, the current, most pressing problem.

It’ll sort itself. I plan still to take tasks from task rabbit and might even try and make it a real business. That’ll get me out of the way. That way I won’t have my wife thinking I should be able to do a rehab project on the house even though I can “technically”.

But this is just the blues Monday morning. At least I’m not hung over lol. Neither is my kid which must be a relief for him. I think he was boozing pretty heavy on base. I’ll never really know. Anyway the whole point of this is “don’t cause yourself any misery”.

Good advice.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m just not in “daddy mode” anymore with any of them and they aren’t going to put me In it. My wife wouldn’t but she’d “let” me. But I have to feed the girls and so on. I’m not going back to feeding anyone else. I didn’t feed my other kid when he was down I the cellar either and I wouldn’t clean up after them and I’m not doing it now either, I’m detached, in other words. I do t want to feel resentful of him either . It’s a fine line. But I got up and told him be quiet last night and he said something back to me so, that’s it. I can take a joke, but I can’t take any back talk from my adult kids so, nobody’s going to hear anything out of me. I been down this road before. They get it already. I don’t know what my wife thinks, beyond she wants peace and quiet. Me too. No drama. No twenty something BS. All that’s over. Thank goodness.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
“So what’s it going to be, eh?”, an infamous line from a now famous pop icon of the 70s. Sex and violence. The men had that cleaned up and kept under wraps for the sake of the women and children but then the cat got let out of the bag and you could have sex before you for married lol. You had the pill and if you couldn’t manage that you abort. Simple. It doesn’t sound like sex and violence does it? Or does it? It brings up other questions certainly.

But I digress. I’m doing things differently. It’s strange to look at it. All I have wrote do is stop trying to do things like a man. I have to meet a guy today about a job in the yard, Tree guy. I’ve cut plenty of trees down. I have a lagger and a chainsaw. But I’m willing to let them do it. The trees are big enough to reach our house or the neighbors if they were to blow over. It makes a shade in the neighbors yard. But we never go back there and they are going to be more of a problem the bigger they get.

That’s this morning. I have plenty of other things to think about, but I have to take care of that as I made an appointment.

It’s over between my soldier and me. He didn’t behave. I don’t want to talk anymore about it. I have the therapist today she can listen. I’m not going to argue with anyone anymore about who is whose bitch. This is my house and I paid with my life to be here. I’m not going to get pushed around by anyone. I’m not going to act like that. (As opposed to saying it or talking). That’s what I used to do. (Flip out lol) I’m not going to say anything but I’ll leave the room. The concept is nobody can push you if you don’t push back, but you have not to be there. So I’m not here. My wife will come to me. It’s us together, at least for now. I know all that has an ugly side and I don’t want to deal with it . I’m not planning on it. Jostling for position. Nobody wants no get pushed out of the nest. Ain’t life grand? That’s life, and all the pushing stuff is about being a man and I’m not interested, except with my girlfriend who I happen to be married to now. Convenient. People are a real pain. But there’s no love without them.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
It’s good, we are ok. He’s a mess, but I’m not going to pay that no never mind. I had a really good phone therapy appointment. What an unusual day. My wife just walked in to tell me something her friends did in the tv. Lol
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I actually went surfing today for awhile. It’s sketchy for me now. It always was really. But I was a little less frail than I thought. I got a couple waves and I survived without any near drowning experiences. It requires being careful. The waves were just big enough to be dangerous. About head high sets. I wasn’t going for the bigger ones. If I dump on one of those, things could get dicey. But it was ok we were probably in the water an hour. My son being here is why I went. He was my original surfing buddy. He is still I guess.

Mom and I are ok. We had fun in bed. I did. She won’t let me do anything to her. To her with her. I always have to pull everything out of her, like fight her for it? It reminds me of the lions and other big cats, they bite each other when they do it. It’s her way. Today was about day four and I start losing it, it’s stupid and I hate it. That’s what sex is like for me. She uses it against me. Idk why it doesn’t get her anything. It’s probably how she keeps me interested? Idk if it’s intentional. Everything she does is. She might not need to do anything to make me interested beyond being herself.

Anyway, you get the picture. Phat and happy.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I'm gonna get up and make pancakes. I just posted a big thing about sex and take it offline. I do this a lot. Well not a lot because I can’t always get to the real me. When I do it’s too hot for public consumption, or too raw, so I guess I’ll send it to the therapist, which I never do. : ). ”How I wish, how I wish you were here”.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
It’s a new everything. I asked the therapist about life and world political events shadowing my trauma recovery. She just laughed and said she had no explanation.

I’m better/different. It’s hard to see who or what I am and be ok with it. It’s easier to consider from a purely psychological perspective. Psychological has to Incorporate the physical body ? Lol. Whose psychology? Mine or my bodies?

I’m lying here with me. We feel somewhat threatened by the violence but we doubt anything will happen here. No diversity or concentration of available youth to riot. The people who live here are not liable (I don’t think) to set fires, having a natural aversion to self destruction. So what could happen?

Well the violence unchecked leads to violence. So just random violent acts will increase. Road rage domestic violence and street violence. Without a crack down this will continue to escalate till you don’t feel like your fence is sufficient protection anymore from your neighbours.

So if you are law abiding and peaceful, I suggest you take steps to safeguard your life and property, especially if you have families and young children. Who says the cops are going to come if you pick up the phone? Even if they do, what guarantee is there they’ll be able to do anything? When they come to burn down where you’re living, what are you going to do?

Here we are like it or not. Someone is gonna get it. It’s boring and all I’m really mad about is that we let it happen.

That’s all a life long rant about what I used to be. How things needed to be dealt with and how to go about getting what I wanted. How men took care of things. “Telling tall tales of how it used to be”.

This is all about me being a girl. It’s also about boundaries and handling people who aren’t so nice. Triggered much? “What you gonna do when they come for you”?
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I just read some stuff about hating your parents for giving you PTSD. My mother in particular most likely sexually abused me. Then she left my dad (the alcoholic) and her sex life and drinking laid some real abuse on me. There was an old hippie song, “treat your parents well”. I’m just at that age when I’m hearing this from my own kids lol. My soldier boy is sleeping in the next room.

Leave them and leave them alone. My parents are dead, so what good is blaming them now. That hate almost consumed me. At some point everyone is responsible for their own behaviour. Just because you get told to grow up isn’t a justification for writing that off as right wing hate.

Kids all do the same thing.

Sometimes the family boundaries are so broken by trauma all chance of interaction is over and the bonds are severed. Familial blood ties exist but that’s all.

It’s better to break off all contact IMO. Trying to fix things or change people and hating what happend is so toxic. Especially your parents. And thinking you can live together in this kind of toxic soup and saying “I can’t move, and I’m going to sit here complaining about my parents, I have a right to live here”. Find someone else to pick on. My kids right to abuse me ended when they turned 18.

I did what I could for my kids while they were underage and consider myself a failure as a parent, sue me. Just if you feel like I wronged you so terribly move as far away as possible and call me on the phone or write me and I’m happy to discuss it. I don’t need you around here trying to make me feel bad so you’ll feel better . I have enough problems of my own. I was a person before I was a parent and I still am one.

Besides I did all this . None of it’s anything new and I’ll tell you what my mom told me, “I hope you live long enough to hear this coming out of the mouths of your own kids”.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Playing songs is becoming a thing again but I just come around to it. The way I learned my instrument is backwards, the way I learn everything. My right hand was what needed development more than my left or fretboard hand. My left follows, the right hand leads. I can’t explain it because I don’t understand it, but I’m improving. I understand what I’m playing. If there are 4 beats in a measure and I play 16 notes, then it repeats in the next measure, but it has to be the same notes. That’s for the rhythm. Then you apply that in a song and it makes sense how to play it. Every song can be interpreted. That’s because I can’t read music. That’s not to say I don’t want to play the song exactly, it’s just playing till it comes out exactly by itself . Like all of a sudden. I can play it. Instead of starting the song where you can’t play it and practicing it till you can. You don’t have to practice that particular piece necessarily. Just practice for the sake of it. Do what you can. What you can’t do will come along. It’s the only way I can do anything. I can’t force it . I’m too good at resisting.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Eh. Today was ok. I need to be quiet around my wife because if I m quiet she leaves me alone lol. If I start blabbing I get in trouble so she starts on me. It’s real beauty. But nobody mentions it I think it’s me usually I start yelling. Preemptively. I didn’t know this, I only suspected . I couldn’t see it? I knew my own behavior was out of my of my control to some extent. I didn’t like what I was getting back from people but I felt powerless to change it.

This is a microcosm with my wife and I but it’s also the biggest relationship in my life and my familial relations, meaning my children. Everything starts at home. She always did the same thing like be quiet and leave things alone, don’t make a big fuss but hyper vigilant is a big fuss. So I’m doing it you know. It’s more peaceful. I have to watch for when I’m feeling hurt or taken advantage of which is almost always and say to myself is this really the way I see it? I’m figuring out maybe not. Probably not. Smile and walk away. Don’t say anything.

Then in AA meetings they’d get done saying that and go “but I’m not a doormat”, and the fighting would start all over again. It’s been a terrible struggle like that, going back and forth. I always suspected though I really didn’t see it clearly, I really never got a handle on it. It’s difficult.

My kid is a little banged up from the military. I have to talk to him but I have to leave him alone. It’s not how I used to do things. I got used to ignoring his brother though, who was much worse. I hadn’t learned not to suffer from it though, because his brothers behavior caused me real anxiety. Probably I’m just getting older. My birthday is coming up again.
 
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