About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
My wife is using shame and guilt in me in an effort to “help” me improve. Manipulation. It’s not like I don’t think I need improvement. Lots of stuff needs to be done around here. If you don’t know how to do things though they often don’t turn out that great. Like trying to do finish carpentry with a hand saw.
I know how to do a lot of things in a general way but the devil is in the details.

You can hardly get anyone to do anything right now and the least of them think they should get paid $50 an hour. I don’t want to deal with it at all. I do want the basement refinished/winterised I need the space.

But my wife blames me and I blame her. I didn’t want to buy this place, but we were able to get it and on the verge of homelessness. Now she wants all this stuff done. Plus I rehabbed a house before and she watched me but I was really only helping my “partner” who was running the show. It was my job but I was only lieutenant, he was captain, and then we fell out and I was stuck.

I’m ashamed I’m not a self starter. I can’t really do stuff on my own, and I hate being told what to do lol. Where’s that leave me?

So I knew this was coming when my kid was coming home, the old shame routine my wife’s been doing that since we got married. It’s a shame really I’m crazy about her but I hate the tit for tat thing meaning I hate being married because that’s what you tend towards doing to each other.

Things aren’t bad now I made an appointment with a guy to come help me install the door (I’m gonna let him do it). I have to do the trim. I can’t believe these phucking guys have the nerve to say I’ll install the door, but not paint. It’s like saying I’ll do the job halfway and you can hire someone else to do the rest. If this is $50 an hour I’d hate to see what a guy would charge for finish work? What go to law school? I don’t think my pdoc makes that kind of money lol.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Today was good. We are communicating. I see myself differently in relation to everyone else. It’s too hard to explain. I feel like I have a different perspective. I get anxiety early in the day. I feel better in the afternoon toward evening. I was always a night person but now I just go to bed early and get up early but I’m still a night person. I function ok in the morning if I just have to knock around the kitchen and cook and stuff. Homebody. I can deal with everyone I’m living with. I can’t do it we’ll always. But really I’m grateful it’s all I’ve had to deal with.

Beach was nice, we had a little rain shower.

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Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I have to clean today and I wish my kid would get lost . He’s not in the way at all really I just am self conscious when I’m cleaning and there are others around. I was gonna say men, but I don’t like anyone around or anyone to see me. I feel like that If I’m working out at home too. Don’t look at me.

We aren’t working out though, just walking. Working out sucks because the body doesn’t respond quickly and I don’t feel that much better, I’m thin anyway. The rest of feeling good about working out was ugly like like look at me I’m such a cool successful workout guy which is a competitive feeling . I’m not really like that, but I that’s the gym thing. We were doing the pool thing bit it’s not clean enough and it was difficult with the girls because I can’t take them in the girls room. We got away with it mostly, a few small incedents mostly about clothes. They couldn’t lock things in lockers without my help. It’s just hard to be responsible for two adult women and not be able to be in there helping them. I’m not gonna go back to the Y. Plus I got a financial hardship seal from them which is really a scholarship from them for my daughters. Plus the women there. They bothered me a lot. Talking to “other women”.

We made love yesterday, it’s always nice. I don’t get to have her orgasm right now. I have to wait for her again.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Long posts about sex I took off here lol. Everything is about sex. Anyone who thinks it is t is crazy. But what do I know? Phone therapy. It’s like doing it to yourself, it’s not the same, but it comes in handy. I’m going to withdraw from everything else. I’m not trying to withdraw I just can’t fight with all of them anymore. My kid in the Midwest was texting me yesterday. I’m sorry to say it but he is just more bad news and I don’t feel like dealing with him and I haven’t for years. I like hearing from him every couple months. I like the people on here who want to help their kids (they screwed up) my position is, we’ve all done each other enough damage. If you can’t be civil you can get lost or were calling the police this time. That’s what my other son said when we were describing the behaviour. My wife and I lived out this stupid abuse scenario for thirty years, it’s enough already. He sounds ok texting me? I don’t trust him though. He makes me feel really unsafe. But I have his brother here so he won’t act up is my feeling because we have a witness. That’s a terrible way to feel about your own kid but there it is. I see all the parts of it and I know I had a hand in it but, that’s old news. You can’t undo the past.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Ive not been here since Tuesday about this time. I’ve been thinking about that. Things are different now but the same. My son is in the mix and there are no plans which is my wife. I don’t mind but I have to deal with them now. It just gives her another excuse to ignore me which pisses me off. I’m expected to go on with my duties and deal with her wanting me to do her stuff. Having sex isn’t her “job” but the things that are my job are my job and that’s tuff. When I kick about it I’m “complaining”. So yes I’m mad again because I’m under constant pressure from her to “do something about her” but when I say she needs to do something about me she says “you mean your penis”. Of course I do lol. She knows it’s BS. But she can’t help fighting me tooth and nail. A real old battle axe. : ). It probably keeps me interested but I get mad. It particularly tough at Night. It was always tough sleeping together. I don’t miss sleeping with her but I miss waking up with her and trying to get sex off her lol. I was always rubbing her and kissing her like every morning for years and years. When I started commiserating with my friend about what “the girls were doing to us”, we started calling this behaviour “rubbing the magic lamp”. You can’t make this stuff up. Anyway she stiffed me about sex this week and she was bitching about me wanting to blow her and she has a bunch of “jobs” lined up for me this week and she makes no apologies. I’m fed up with her. Nothing new.

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If you could zoom way in on that last image there is a ship. Also just along the horizon you can barely make out the land away to the north and if you could zoom way way in you could see the windmills on the end of that point of land. It’s about 15 miles. The camera resolution isn’t good enough. It’s barely visible to the naked eye. Also on the first pic there are two lighthouses. The northern and southern approaches to the Harbor entrance.
 
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Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Crime and punishment. My wife’s behaviour is deplorable. Women. Men aren’t allowed to tell the truth about women or they’ll get it. Not get it is more to the point. She won’t admit she’s running things with sex but she does nothing else.

So I’m going to mess her up this week and the backbone is a couple things. Basically I’m not going to let you get away with that.

Again the specifics of the behaviour are unimportant although my wife would argue the opposite. It’s not though it’s “why can you do this to me but I can’t do that to you.

So I’m always left saying I’m gonna pull the plug and not do my job if you get to not do yours. She calls that unfair lol. She wants to say my sex life isn’t her problem but if not? I’d like to know whose problem it is. So she has a couple things coming up I “have to do” but she can ignore me all week and keep her beautiful self out of my bed and I can keep doing my job and come crawling to her and beg for love. It’s been the same sh*t all thirty years though just using different convenient at the time excuses. Bottom line? I get to keep going and she gets a pass. She’d counter and say I had no “right” to complain. I do though if I do it quietly. She can get mad though lol. It’s a scam.

The second part is I know God isn’t mad at me anymore. He never was. The theological explanation for this is difficult but within the bounds of orthodoxy (maybe) according to me anyway. It means I don’t have to feel shame anymore in my relationship with God. What that means exactly I’m not sure yet but I know one thing I’m not expectorant put up with her nonsense. : )

We had a great day yesterday in spite of our youngest acting up. He’s another one. I just can not believe these people.

I guess I didn’t take any pictures yesterday I was distracted. We went for a quick sunset surf. Knee high on the longboards it was pretty lame but dun to get in the water. The beach ? Spectacular.
 
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Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Way too much getting taken for granted and not discussed I’m not everyone’s mom just because I keep the house clean. I don’t have to show up and take care of everything and get ignored in bed. I put food I front of my handicapped daughters that’s my job I get paid to take care of them and everyone else thinks they can show up and expect to eat because I’m banging around in the kitchen. I have to be nice but I have to insist.
 

mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
It's not "women", it's just your women and may be a lot of women, but, I'm not like that.
I'm sorry you get the run around. I guess sex is never logical, for most women, it's purely emotional and that affects the physical and, maybe, plenty use it as a bargaining chip, but I don't.

Maybe it's my autism and lack of empowerment in formative years, but I don't use sex as any kind if manipulative weapon or way of getting what I want.

It helps when guys are strong and don't let themselves be manipulated, instead, take charge and be confident, fun, teasey and playful, for me, that is. My guy is like that and I can't get enough of him, but, I respect when he is too tired and doesn't feel like it.

We don't try to manipulate each other though, we respect each other a lot and we are both on the spectrum, so not good at being indirect, anyway.

That's just me and my guy, though.

Sorry you are getting grief from. your son. That sucks. I hope things ease up for you @Mach123 and that you get some soon.??☺?
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
This is a trial. Everything. I have a hard time at night. My arthritis is really bothering me, I called the Orthopedic guy today. The injections didn’t work this time. My right wrist in particular. Plus I’m getting up so often to pee at night because of my prostate I’m not resting. Between that and rolling around re arranging my wrist so it’ll stop aching.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I feel good even though things are bad. Some of the old bad trauma happened yesterday. Now I don’t want to sleep with my wife to SHOW her lol. I’m not going to talk about any of it because 1) I’ve said it all before and 2) Even I don’t want to hear it. It’s ugly though, but i did something different, I kept quiet.

I want to watch and see the effects of not saying things.

So in spite of things being bad I feel pretty good. I’m really horny. Nobody sees girl me not even here which is funny. The therapist sees it kinda. Idk what she really thinks but she is probably in love with (it) a little. I had my first girlfriend yell at me once why won’t you fuk me? I thought I was, fuking her. She knew the difference, and what I’m talking about, even though I couldn’t say it back then. She wasn’t a person given to explanation. We were making love. On some level, she preferred something else or was used to something else. It was fun, she showed me a lot. It’s irritating to have something like that going on and not be able to explain it. Maybe I don’t need to explain it as much anymore myself.

My wife and I have a rendezvous this morning usually I’m gonna try and get her to “leave me alone” lol. I love sex with her so much but it makes me her slave.
 
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Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Ok so I’m her slave. The wrestling match in the bedroom was a lot of fun yesterday morning. No winners? Not sure. No I’m suffering today because my appetite is whet and I want some more. This peculiar suffering which is close on the heels is actually fun even though I know my wife would say no right now. I’m dreamy still. It’s hormonal. She’s gone now for 3 days or a week. That’s what was wrong last week, she didn’t come see me mid week. None of which is enough for me. But we all know that’s just me being selfish and she’s not breaking the law. She’s being her. I’m being me. What’re you gonna do get a divorce ? No grounds . Infidelity is grounds . As far as I know there’s been none so I’m the one that’s all horny so what, have an affair? That’s being a coward. Which is one of the reasons it’d be so much fun lol. Naughty! Our love making is very hot. She’s just a stick in the mud. Everyone has to do their own stuff at the end of the day. You can ask for what you want. You might get it, you might not. When you say I do, that’s it. You don’t get to come back later and say I don’t.

If you do that your word is no good, and your word is all you have.

My wife is home on the weekend and nothing gets done because of her behaviour. She mixes everything up and nobody can do anything, that’s her way. It’s not just sex I have to wrestle out of her it’s everything. I can’t ask her to do anything for me. If it’s her idea it’s fine. I’m kinda like that too. We are a pretty pair.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
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We didn’t walk yesterday my wife screws everything up. I’m part of that though too. It was cold and the tide is late in the day brrr. I wanna be under the covers.

I did some porch gardening. We had plants on the porch and in our little front yard all summer that I have to take care of. My wife likes looking out the windows at the yard but she makes me do it. We had a couple hanging plants that die off this time of year I replaced them with a couple mums I got. So now I have hanging mums. IDK what she’s going to come up with today. She’s not going to jump into bed I’m pretty sure about that. But I live in hope!
 
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