About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m always talking because it’s a distraction lol. I don’t really run me. Other things people and places in my subconscious run me. I’m a product. Haha I just thought of the matrix and the architect. I’m the sum of an unbalanced equation. I think that’s what he said. Someone mentioned Castenada , that’s another bad joke but a good read. I didn’t just read that stuff, I believed it. I wish my phucking brain had been plugged in when I was younger. I knew it wasn’t. I knew other people knew more about what was going on than I.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
It’s the middle of the night and I’m up. I’ll fall asleep again after another hour or so. Open my eyes awhile and fool around with my phone and something else which I’m always playing with that. I did it by myself yesterday rather then suffer the ignominity of hearing her say no. I feel pretty good for all that. I have a different relationship with God right now that I’m trying to figure out. I thought I was finished agonising about that. We all went out die lunch yesterday which nobody enjoyed much because we were all bickering a little. Not bad but getting on each there nerves. We did discuss some difficult issues however so it wasn’t totally without profit. I have the guy coming over here Tuesday supposedly to install the front door. I have to call him and see if he is actually coming and how much is anything I’m going to do to try and save us some money. Like I said though I’m not very uncomfortable and I feel patient and forgiving which in the end is better for me. It’s better for everyone, me especially. I’m not pushing on anyone. They all have to do whatever they are going to. I can let them or I can make myself miserable trying to make them do what I want or think they should. I schedule door guy with therapy by mistake so I probably have to cancel therapy. I have a lot of trouble with stuff like that. I always schedule things in top of each other it’s really annoying. Since I always need a babysitter or I’m taking the kids to their programs or my wife has something doing. But whatever, I’m good.

The situation politically? I don’t see how everyone isn’t panicking. But like I said earlier, what good would that do? What’s going to happen is going to happen anyway. I was watching the Trump supporters outside Walter Reed last night and the president actually drove by to acknowledge them. I hope he goes back this week which is how it sounds, but anything could happen and no one knows. There are no Trump signs here where I am which is awful and creepy because it means people are scared to put them out. There are quite a few BLM and Biden signs. The other side in a very embarrassing minority have back the blue signs and flags and American flags or nothing. I’ve been in my area my whole life and never seen anything like this. Like it’s a one party area and there’s no opposition. I report all that only as an aside and to show what’s going on here which sounds kind of an anomaly. In other places I’m hearing Trump signs are everywhere, as they were when I was in Upstate NY. We had church at home yesterday it was nice. I made coffee and breakfast for the girls meaning I took care of five people so they could relax and do church. I was in the kitchen for the first part, someone has to.
 
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Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Well I was up half the night. I did sleep again twice, but I’m hardly rested. I don’t write the things I think about on the way in here. I start writing and I change the subject. Almost all these posts are reflective of my actual thinking and feeling which is just under the surface.

The preacher yesterday in going through Ephesians spoke against open homosexuality. In the church anyway but implicit is that we’d be against it as a whole or as a society. He used it as an example.

But there is a very important point that he didn’t “stress” but again it’s implicit and must be noted and taken into consideration.
Nobody or very few people know this or what I’m about to say, and it’s been the subject of theological debate for centuries.

He didn’t say the brother, brother because we assume the person he was talking about was trying to be a Christian, wasn’t saved or wasn’t a Christian. This is such a stunning revelation and if everyone knew it and acted on it the whole world might be different. I mean I knew this but, you sorta do things and ignore them mostly or you hope God ignores them and you sheepishly pray maybe that you’ll do better.

Then there are long arguments about intent and the scriptures, and who is saved and who isn’t. But simply put, if you are, nothing can undo it and if you aren’t, nothing can do it and, God forgave you so leave yourself alone.

This idea of self forgiveness is key because idk about you, but I suffered my whole life from one degree of self condemnation or other. Always slightly (or not so slightly) miserable from guilt or shame.

Now remember, even taking all that into consideration, we still punish a thief, but that’s another story.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I worked all day about 6 hours. I cut my sons hair which was long so it took me about an hour. Then I got the door stripped so tomorrow the guy can install.
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Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I have a guy here working I need to leave him alone, which is funny because it’s easier for me to be talking. But he is so different from the last guy I hired. He is better by himself without me watching him and I get that. It is my job and I can make sure it’s going properly but I helped him get the door in place and after watching him awhile I’m sure he knows what he is doing, and can’t think if I’m around talking to him. That’s fine . I’m sorry the house is full of people but that’s how it goes I’m sure he would’ve been happier if nobody was here. I don’t blame him.

It went fine I liked him he knew what he was doing and I would have had a real hard time trying to get the door in myself and most likely couldn’t have and I would have been all frustrated and miserable. It was reasonably priced and we are happy it’s done. I squeezed phone therapy in too. Busy day.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We are having a love affair, my wife and I. So nice. I’m in the kitchen and around the house today to “recover” from doing my man duties yesterday. The guy was my age and born the same month, we are the same sign, lol. I hope he liked me enough to come back and work. We have plenty to do. I don’t have a lot of luck and liking people is not always a great sign when it’s me lol. We will call him though and try it again. It’s been years calling these guys and having them show up here and give us a song and a dance. A real bunch of beauties.

Anyway I have to rest. I did some work not much he wouldn’t let me where he was trying to work but he gave me a 25 dollar discount for helping lol. I have to get rid of the trash meaning 2 doors and the wood frame from the old door which is a trial as we have no dump here so I have to bag it over the course of a few weeks and my trash guys will take it. I have to spread it out and that way I won’t get an extra charge. I’m finding out it’s better for me to do things a little at a time. Otherwise I start pushing. No more pushing anything or anyone. Too much work.

oh and I have to fill all the nail holes and paint inside and out which I hate lol.
 

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Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Power is out about 14 hours overnight, waiting for my phone to die. I want to call and yell at them seems like it’s happened way more often the last couple years and it’s always way to long. Not like a couple hours like I’m worried about the food in the fridge . Someone’s not doing their phucking job ! I’m pissed ! lol
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We are all getting along, all of us packed into our little fish box by the sea. My son is a breath of fresh air. We know pretty much now after his success in the ARMY what he is capable of, so he can’t game us as much as he used too. Plus I’m not the same. It’s that mostly. I’m not threatened. I could do a whole long thing on that but, that really wraps it up.

We are hanging out and laughing a lot. He is musical and he is catching up on all the stuff I learned about guitar. He understands it all because he is quick and givin to math, so music theory is right up his alley. Plus he is an intellectual and we are all hashing our our theology. I feel like I’m fellowshiping with other Christians in my home, which I’ve never felt like that before.
He developed the same theology I did, though he arrived at it in his own way. Maybe it’s familial? Most Christians rebel and accuse us of “easy believeism” which in the final analysis it may be but, it’s better than “no believeism” at all.
I’m horny naturally and my wife has been good about getting me off but that’s not what I want and she better give me some lol. Not that I mind it’s just that I only get off partially that way and I need to get her off because, well, because that’s me. So she’s holding me off as always and making me wait and saying she can’t because of this and that. Same as always in other words. Makes it like a special treat I guess, as opposed to everyday fare. I could use some of that let me tell you.

But anyway it’s fun, which is not a bad myptsd report.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I suppose I should mention the military in relation to PTSD and my son getting out of the ARMY. Naturally I had to think about it. Now he’s been home a couple weeks and talking about it Because, we never heard from the son of a bitch while he was away. : )

Anyway he is not unscathed, but rather unchanged. This is because of his MOS or job, which was intelligence analyst. He was well suited and did well. He got a couple awards for his performance and he went over his resume with us a little and I have to say I was quite impressed. He is applying for jobs online . If he will ever actually bother to get one I’m not sure. But the point is he is home and he did well and it’s a very big positive overall. He is somewhat jaundiced over his run ins with his superiors, but that’s no different than anywhere, just life. It’s a lot better than PTSD. He had a good experience. He didn’t make the most of it, or do everything he could. He did what he could. That’s enough.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
My ortho put me on Celebrex and a topical gel for pain. The pharmacist only had the pills. I had to call the doctor back. That’s typical. I asked him for Indocin because a friend is on it and naturally he said “do this instead”. Do they learn that in Med school? I don’t care. Anything at this point is better than nothing, The pain in my right wrist and I’m right handed, is severe .
 
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