About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I took my pill and put on my creme so I’m on the couch now, a patient. My wife is lying down and my son is down on one of the computers. My daughter was just out her doing her zoom. We were shooting a hair elastic at each other and laughing. Heat is on. It’s cold man!
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
My wife picked a big fight with me this morning? Was it me? Partially of course! I spent the day in my room. That’s ok because if I’m not talking I can’t get into any more trouble!
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Reaction score? This is a contest? I go to my content when I open on this. I’ve trained myself not to worry about likes and replies as I’m not here for that, this is my diary and that stuff is for little kids like on FB. I suppose I’ll train myself to ignore that as well but, it’s bad form. IMHO. I know people like that stuff. Oh well.

Things are a mess here . My wife moved the living room around and didn’t ask me , talk about bad form. I told her I was moving it back and she threatened me. She was always like that. She told me if I did she’d break something. She must’ve been really mad because I inadvertently broke something yesterday. So I have a hand in the whole thing. But now she can do her mad act and that means no sex for daddy. Oh well. I’m always sorry when I get mad . She started it. Hahah Whose the little kid now? My son said to me the other day , home from the Army son, said he realized everyone was a little kid. That’s why we are all such a pain in the ass. : )
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
So the problem with all this stuff about sex is wanting to be abused which I consider a submissive characteristic. Like don’t phuck me and then don’t stop phucking me. There is a very fine line between being naughty and being abused and then there is the BDSM thing/community: ) that really makes me laugh. Not that I don’t think it’s ok for consenting adults, but that’s pushing it. It just invites the wrong sort of thing. There are lots of things like that about sex and being naughty. But naughty is nice right? Like I don’t mind being forced by the right person or if you are “nice” about it.

This lends itself to all sorts of discussion particularly about “femininity” and how sex “works” when it does, and the stuff in the “romance” novels.
So I’m just pissed off because I can’t get laid now because my wife’s mad at me again and it makes me so phucking mad that she has me like that, right by the nuts, and whenever she gets mad enough she can give them a squeeze and make me squirm. Maybe all married people are into BDSM lol. You’d have to be to get marched down the isle in this day and age.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I moved the furniture back where it was, she’s good and mad now. But I have to shut up and leave her alone. Probably for quite awhile. If ever. Meaning, if she ever gets over me standing up to her. She hates that.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We are sitting in church in the living room with all the furniture moved. I wasn’t going to do it, I was going to stay in bed but I figured nobody could pin anything on me if I got out the Bible and the computer which is how we do church right now. It’s like intentionally rubbing my wife’s face in it and doing something good at the same time. I prayed this morning God would restore us, which is all you can do. I told her off, this morning before my son came out. She deserved it and I hate doing it. But she threatened me and I really hate that. That’s her way though underneath her lovely Christian exterior, she’s a big fat bully just like her big fat mother was. : )
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I did a mental health afternoon and ran out of state for marijuana and cigarettes. Getting my “sins” after church. The weed is Godly enough. We could only dream about the stuff we get now back in the day. Idk if it’s good or not for society? It’s good for me, compared with psych meds.

Anyway everything here is SNAFU situation normal all fu*ked up. My kids anxious and my wife is doing her all beat up routine. The hero and the martyr. The other two are themselves. We don’t spend enough time taking care of them though we’ve been told we do, comparatively. Something else to feel guilty about. I left out my favorite subject me! Lol. I’m good. Pain meds and weed. One of my favorite combinations. I always believed in medication. I am seriously relieved about my health right now though. The lessening of my symptoms, both prostate and arthritis? It’s huge. I just drove to the next state and stopped at bjs and stop and shop. About 4 hours. I went once to the bathroom and I hardly thought about my wrist at all. Driving doesn’t irritate it but still, I was in a lot of pain.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
So horny lol. My wife and I are on the outs though. It’s our birthdays meaning mine my wife’s one of my daughters and my moms, passed away these ? 10 years ? Idk. My wife isn’t interested in another birthday. I don’t care. I just want to have sex as usual. So boring. I don’t really think it’s boring, but I can easily understand why someone who wasn’t oversexed could think so.

My wife isn’t in the habit of losing and I’m not gonna get off easy for standing up to her. Only my married friend understands this dynamic.

But I had to not because I hate the way she put the furniture though it helps. It was what she did which is what she always does the beeatch and always has. Is she don’t wanna listen to me or knows I’ll say “NO” to what whatever it is, she phucking goes behind my back, then denies and justifies or rationalizes her miserable behavior.

😭😩😂

Welcome to married life. Regardless, any breach of decorum, real or imagined, always means the same thing, no sex for dad .
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Waiting for my wife to make love with me and frankly, I’ve never done anything else. She took advantage of that power differential in every way and used it completely to her advantage, with no apologies. How is it I’m not supposed to be angry at her about that? If I was a woman/wife and reversed everything I just said , would you feel differently? If my “husband” was off doing everything else, and leaving me at home all lonely and nobody loves me? Haha. I pull that line on the therapist always and she lies right through her teeth at me, which I accuse her of, and she denies it. (Love her)

So, what’re ya gonna do? Why complain?

It’s my daughters birthday today she’s thirty. I can never decide how to say my daughter one of my daughters my kid my kids or one of my handicapped kids. It’s defining. Like CSA. It defines our lives together. Three birthdays this week. We had Chinese food last night getting “This party started”.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
My YouTube videos won’t load. Only about 25% do. It’s my jailbreak it’s messed up probably an old tweak that blocks ads. The “spinny wheel of death” is a huge problem in my world lol!

I feel fine when I’m a girl, I’m hurt not angry. I’m crying because she won’t phuck me. So I’m the submissive. If I feel like I’m a man or I should be I want to be angry at her for her behavior which she’s is intentionally denying me her body, which I can’t live without, and I don’t even want to think about affairs, so tawdry.

So that’s the power dynamic, me waiting on her. You can call it what you want. There is much to say about it, people talk of little else. How’s your love life? Are you a top or a bottom, boy or girl? People react strongly when I say it like “dominance and submission” but almost universally say “that’s not what that means”.

My mom used to say “Oh is that what they’re calling it now”? Who belongs to who? Whose the beeatch? Hahah We used, in the old dayz, refer to women like my wife as an Amazon. Nobody would say that about her though she is so lady like and feminine. It’s an act.

She’s stone cold. Nobody believes it. Everyone looks at us and thinks she’s the “poor thing”. Not a chance .
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I fix my YouTube kinda. It’s better. Hopefully thy will update the hack in a couple days. At least my videos play and no ads mostly. It’s a hack of another hack. I could just pay for the app. I have bought a bunch of cracks and tweaks in the 12 years I’ve been jailbreaking but they never keep them going. They only work for awhile. But whatever I want a new iPhone and I’m lazy because it changes everything and I hate it. Stock iOS blows.

speaking of blows my wife came in here this morning and “opened communication” so I’m in the game. She didn’t Phuck me though, I’m on punishment. She’ll come around. It was funny. She loves being kissed passionately while leaving so she doesn’t have to put out. That’s her . That’s her schtick. I have to put up with it. She has to put up with me. I have a schtick too. She likes to punish me and I accused her of it all these years . She knows it but won’t admit it, except sometimes in a moment of clarity, then she blames me and says I like it, which I admit is at least partially true.

So we dance.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We went out for dinner, nice time, then came home and had cake and opened presents. Nothing big. We reconciled this morning because mom needed things to go right. She knew I probably wouldn’t have gone, and my son might’ve skipped out as well. Mom was having none of it. That’s her though, that’s how it goes, nothing without a purpose or goal. There is always a motive unmentioned behind her behaviour. Agenda is the word I wanted. Everything has to come out “the way it’s supposed to”. We all needed to be on board this afternoon and so she did what needed to be done to accomplish that.
 
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