About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m good. I could play the guitar this morning. I changed my finger picking style and I was banged up . I still am probably but this morning it was working the new way. The old way stopped working and I was in that in between state and couldn’t do either. This morning I was and it’s going to take me in a much better direction. I had hit a plateau.

I could have gotten sex off my wife this morning but I didn’t. I was thinking again how much of this is me and being created by me and I mean the things I don’t like . The things I feel are attributable to cPTSD, and they are if you follow what I just said.

I’m still trying to be quiet or not even that. I just have to talk from a different place, if at all. Like don’t speak from the “I want you to hurt me” place or the “I don’t want you to see me” place.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I might get some luv after all to my birthday which slipped my mind regarding THAT which idk why, she’s always very good about that. I get sex on my birthday she gets no sex on hers. I find that heartbreaking but I like being heartbroken or rather I like climbing her mountain. We were talking a little yesterday about “us” a topic usually assiduously avoided. If I get her talking about us I might be able to force her into an agreement and then she’d have to give up her promiscuity and so her happiness lol. She’s not sexually promiscuous outside our marriage (or in it) rather it’s a resistance to routine. It’s always pulling a rabbit out of her hat at the last moment so nobody ever knows what’s going on and nobody gets to rely on her. She’s not settled. I told her for years she didn’t behave like a married woman and I was right, but I didn’t know what I was talking about. I was trying to say she was promiscuous. A difficult trait in a wife. The therapist confirmed my diagnosis a few weeks back.

It’s moot though now? I don’t care I love her and particularly I’m helpless in the face of her overwhelming sexuality which she says is nonsense and it’s all me. Is it?
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m watching shadow gate 2, far right Qanon propaganda. I have an intelligence operative in the next room lol. He is interviewing for jobs. It’s hard having him here, but we will be ok. Hard but not impossible. He went over his resume with us a bit. It’s really impressive and I’m very proud of him. He did well in the military and has good references. He’s not as accomplished as perhaps he could be but that’s just me wanting him to be happy and proud and accomplished which I never was. His sister is doing well and got a nursing certificate of some kind that has allowed her to work in a hospital setting in her state.

But he is here for awhile so we’d better enjoy it I suppose. The boundaries between us are becoming more clear. His mother will have some fun with him, they are alike and vibrate on a similar frequency. He is manipulative like she is and he received training that made him even better at it in the military. But she is boss. She’s always been boss and that all say “mom can’t make me do anything” which when I hear it, always reminds me of the boy whistling in the graveyard.

Mom does whatever she wants with all of us and she always has.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Well I had a great birthday it was part and parcel with the confusion my wife creates around us all intentionally. But I know the drill by now. She was very sweet and made time for me. She also made an appointment with the gynaecologist. For my sake I guess though she should take care of her own health, you can’t do anything with her, or anyone. Me neither.
But I’m good. I’m trying to be non violent . It’s really difficult because it means not acting and not feeling hurt or distressed by everything. Not having cPTSD in other words. But I’m in a position to try. I guess I never was in any other position. I just feel mentally well enough. I don’t really but not feeling mentally well enough is sort of synonymous with symptomatic. So not feeling violent or like pushing against things is equal to not feeling symptoms.

Something like that.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We are fine for now. I ordered a couple nothing gifts for my wife for our birthdays. She didn’t get me anything. She said she bought me a card and lost it. She’s done that over and over through the years. But she gave me what I wanted and I guess she feels like I always get what I want I
in the end and she never does. I get her and that’s enough. But I’m not enough for her because of the duties attached to my office, husband and father. That all goes back to the God thing and the woman and the man, husband and wife.

Its ok though. It’s another day. It’s wicked fun in bed. I know she’s enjoying it like I do, and I know she feels differently about it than I do. When I met her I fell for her like a crazy person, and I still feel like that. Anyone who tells you that crazy love wears off is mistaken. Not always. We almost for divorced separated idk how many times but,

we are still we.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I ordered her 4 gifts off Amazon and she came to bed. I think that’s awful. Especially since we had a big fight yesterday. They thought I was mad, but I wasn’t. I always knew she liked being mean better. It always hits me in the face though and I’m stunned that anyone can be like that especially a woman. But before I was married I just left them. I stayed long enough to read the writing on the wall though. I knew how hard it would be to stay married. It’s sex that kept us together. So overall, even though everyone thinks they don’t want the passion to fade, it’s not really a very good basis for a relationship. It’s work and you don’t have to work at passion.

So our birthdays were great.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
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The wind was blowing like hell but it was warm.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
She got the last of her gifts this morning so excitement over. I want to stay in bed and screw all day. That’s not true but in a manner of speaking. Be intimate all day is what I mean. She likes keeping herself back from me too much and I have a hand in that naturally. I remember “praying fervently” she’d want me in bed. She does but only about half as much as I. Now I have to be patient and quiet and stay out of the way and don’t talk.

then I’ll stay out of trouble.

I listened 2 Durants “Voltaire” and I’m fascinated. He seemed to have that effect on a lot of people. A ton of stuff has happened and I don’t bother writing because if We’re making love? What do I care?

Trying to keep everything going and now I’m supposed to do task rabbit. That’s fine. I’d like to give back rubs with a happy ending to rich older ladies. Tips greatly appreciated. I’ll clean cook do laundry and dishes also, that’s what I do anyway.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I am miserable, but not the usual misery. We didn’t sleep, though we did it together which is nice, but I’m so supremely attracted to her body. It attached? It’s her scent, I’m sure of it, it’s hormonal. She is not (allowing) me to do what I want with her, which is give her an orgasm. It’s because I want it so much and she senses it so she derails it though not intentionally, maybe somewhat intentionally. It’s all psychological, it’s all a re enactment.

I prefer to suffer through it being in love, because why would anyone do anything else? IDK. She made a doctor appointment and I have to wait till after. I have my physical this week. I have to go to another town to see my pdoc who is going to be in an administrative position at the new place but sent a nice letter about how she wants to keep seeing her patients. It’s not convenient to go to the new location. It’s also not convenient to switch pdocs. So we’ll try it. If it’s terrible, I’ll consider a new pdoc but at this stage of the game? I feel like that’s all I need. I only see her for a physical or if something is wrong. I’m not happy about it though? I’m sure none of her patients are, the new location is a few towns over and it’s just not “here” anymore.

So idk why I’m miserable, but I don’t feel good. We may go later for a walk. Don’t know.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I feel better but I wish my wife would come in here and fool around with me. I always want so someone to be doing something to or with me about sex. Especially because I can’t see other women which makes me think I’m her responsibility which I am because when she’s my responsibility she “don’t make no bones about it”. Which is BS. I’m supposed to be considerate of her blah blah. “Oh maybe she feels like this or that”, always considers the woman. Like she shouldn’t be happy I get a hard on for her every time she walks in the room. And now I have to get up and put up with all off them and they’re. Pain in the ass let me tell you and there is plenty of sh#t that needs to get done and I have to do it. Much of it. And my kid is here now and he’s another voice and I’m not feeling happy about that at all which is another reason I need her In bed.

Nothing new, I have to cook and clean and pretend I’m the man? You have to phuck me, get busy. She gets way too much say and I spoil her and she knows it but she plays victim to get her way.

Anyway it literally takes her a few minutes to make me happy and she let me force her the other day a little and it makes me mad she makes me fight her for it. Which means she likes fighting back then screwing. She wants me to push her like that and I’d much prefer it be mutual. That’s being a bitch playing me like that and it could be fun and spontaneous but she’s happier being pissed off. I remember pointing that out to her after only a couple years, that she liked fighting. I’m a lover she’s a fighter . At least in this iteration. I think that’s terrible. It’s supposed to be the other way around . I’m just mad because can’t get her off with kissing her all over lololol. Boy do I miss that. I waited for it almost 30 years. Bitch much? I still can’t sleep but I feel a little better I think. I suppose I’m like her. I want to fight her off about sex and then give in. I want to be the one saying don’t, stop! and then going don’t stop lol.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m better. I “went to work” on the phone this morning and arranged some work on the house and I’m getting a bag dumpster from Amazon and I’m going to work on the house and they’re gonna come and cut the tree down in the back yard. I paid my bills which that monthly activity is reduced from paying about 10 accounts separately to a couple credit card payments and a couple utility bills. Very efficient and I’m really proud of myself I did that. I set a lot of things in motion this morning that have been pending idk. I couldn’t do it? I’d want to do something and my wife and I would start fighting and I’d be like “ah phuck her I’m not doing it”. So now I’m mad at my kid instead? Something like that. Always pissed off about something or at someone. I’m a lot better though. Really a lot.
 
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