About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I got her a white noise thing it has a lot of sounds. I have on the dripping water and birds chirping lol! It’s really soothing, like being in an aviary. : ). She loves it and so do I, it’s a big hit.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
God my youngest and his girlfriend just walked in here unannounced. I was figuring he would show up. I can’t say I’m happy to see him. Probably won’t be any trouble but with him? It’s was always trouble. We will see. His girlfriend hasn’t been eating as regular as she was, it looks good on her. He is still a skinny giant, 6’4” or so. He just got turned over to his brother. They can hash it out I hope? I just don’t have the patience for any drama.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Family meeting. What really happened. He thought he was getting back in here but he had another thing coming. I called it right back a few entries. I knew he wouldn’t pull any abusive nonsense in front of his brother and I was right. We are ok as long as he is here. His mother in spite of our vast experience was talking about “helping” them and I said what I said all along, if you want to help him. give him a good leaving alone. It’s a trap she falls into.

We will see.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I am up, it’s the middle of the night. It’s 3 in the morning actually which is somewhat worse. I’m not sleeping. This is the third night in a row. I’m upset and somewhat depressed but over nothing. People being what they are which is nothing and thinking they’re something. Philosophy. I have a kid that’s a real pain. He said he’s not coming back here and my only hope is he is right. This is depressing. But what do I know? He could end up happier than all of us. I don’t want to compete, I have no desire to be declared the winner. I like comfort as compared to discomfort and health compared to sickness. Im tired and I don’t feel I like dealing with these people, not even my family who are all interested in competing. I don’t want to argue with anyone anymore . It’s so boring. That’s all anyone does though. Life in the face of scarce resources. Everyone is ready for the elections to be over, but that’s not going to fix anything. Fighting solves everything and I’m expecting plenty of that. Wars and institutional violence are also extremely unpleasant, but that’s the way of things. Fighting for peace. That’s philosophy. Wait and see.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I just cranked up the white noise. It’s right over my head which is on the pillow. It really works ! My wife is banging around in the kitchen and I can’t hear her. I mean I can but it’s muted and in the background. All I can hear is the birds. There is background noise, like white noise, like outside. It sounds like a road or airport or the ocean nearby, but all you hear in the foreground is the birds .

I read (heard) Pascal last night by Durant. He said our reason won’t ever figure out this life, or that we are body and immortal, or that God is. No matter how smart we get or what science figured out. You can’t figure out God is because it’s faith, and God chooses us. Anyway I thought it was beautiful.

So my middle son saved me last night from my youngest and now I owe him. He knows it. It’s so funny how familial systems work and the boundaries are so real and functional. That asshole (my youngest) would have acted up, and my wife and I would have had to call the police. I can’t know that for sure, but I’m pretty sure. He showed the signs of it but he wouldn’t do it in front of his brother.

: )

So I don’t expect he will give us any trouble now because I have him here and I think I’ll keep him (my soldier) AND,

it’s so funny I was feeling impatient about my soldier yesterday and I was on the point of complaining about him and then came the knock on the door. I was going to bed. I also had a real productive day yesterday and I always have this thing in the back of my mind that whenever it’s good something bad will happen. To balance it out. But really it was good good? I was reading “Candied” by Voltaire which I thought was horrid, especially when my wife said they made her read it in 9th grade, which is child abuse. It was about pre destination though and one of the main characters kept saying “everything happens perfectly” while everything around him was so horrible. Life in the middle (dark) ages. WTF. Unimaginable yet, they thought about the same stuff we do now. Nothing’s any different except we survive better and we are way more comfortable. Spoiled.
 
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Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I have a running list in my notes app. I’m still trying to shift totally into the iPhone and off the sticky notes. Except for some things for which the sticky notes are great like trash day and the dishes in the dishwasher are clean. Lol!
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m lying down. I painted or I did prep work. I hate that stuff and I have a lot of it to do so I’m trying to steel myself but idk what I’ll be able to do. I have the basement to winterise and I think I’m putting up walls. I’m not too sure about that but I want to try you know going very slow. I stopped today after awhile so I won’t get frustrated. My kid has a profession, he’s not working at it right now, but he says it’s a job he can do for money.

Show me the money, didn’t we used to say that? Anyway he helped me paint a little while and he said painting sucks and this ain’t analyst work, which is a thing he said in his job I suppose. I’m trying to like painting? Painting isn’t hard really but liking it? I have to go pick up my daughter in awhile. I think I’m good lying down till then.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I wrote a whole thing on the election and took it private. Why talk about it? I voted yesterday and I frigged up my ballot but with all the masks and arrows at the town hall I wasn’t about to try and go back and redo it lol. It was only on the ballot “questions” not the actual election but they’ll probably throw it out anyway. I didn’t mention it to anyone. I keep quiet more and more these days.

I have my podcast today I’m excited ! I’ve had crushes on my woman doctors most of my adult life, my favourite fantasy. (One of them). : ). I have to see her in a new office. I hope I get to be alone with her the last few years they always have a tec with them like a PA, looking at a computer and taking notes. Not private enough for me. I’m looking forward to seeing her. I wish I could see her more often. She like everything else in my life is part of the trauma pattern. It just so happens I like that part.

We did mid week church last night. Everyone can do with a double dose of God right now.

He is doing the book of Ephesians and we are on those difficult verses about wives and husbands submitting to each other. I wouldn’t want to be him. But I really like him and he is doing a great job with it. I am really learning a lot. It’s so sad how people have fallen so low now and the ramifications. The poor kids are being made to stay home again. : (. I never thought I’d live to see these days in the US.

But the old people tried to warn us. Did you ever wonder what was actually IN Pandora’s box?
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
My kid was over here last night knocking at 10 pm after everyone was in bed, his brother handled him. He was quiet. Same old BS.

I am reading in my meditation book by the maharaj about being non assertive or non violent. He phrased it exactly like I do and have all these years since I first became aware of the dichotomy. How to act and be non violent. We have been discussing the house the teachings in historical Christianity regarding being in Gods family and dealing with sin or the animal nature. Just because you go to church doesn’t give you a magic wand. The two are directly related.


I am deal of with things differently by what feels on the surface like not dealing with them. Not fighting feels like withdrawing or cowering but I’m not sure that’s correct. Dealing with things like a girl is very attractive and has an animal component. I get off on that. I can’t say anything else about that I can’t even talk to the therapist about it on the phone although I did a little this week.
 
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Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Sex is ok? Seriously? That would mean I was like “cured”.

?

What’s so bad about me? What’s so bad about “what happened”? What’s so bad about what’s going to happen? What am I afraid of?

Can you let that feeling go? Can you go into that feeling or allow it to be there? How is that feeling wanting approval, control or security?

Boy, I want some of that.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m ok right now it’s scary lol. What’s it like to be ok? I put a couple pieces of wood under the door frame so I can paint if I ever get to it so, I think I’m a finish carpenter. I also found a website on how to finish my basement walls. I started this morning (kinda).

We have a couch out in front of the house with a free sign on it because my wife phucked around with me like she does every time I try and accomplish anything and pretends she isn’t.

it’s maddening. WOMEN!
 
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