About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
My wife won’t celebrate sexual love with me. Nobody’s perfect. I’m different but I’m only different for her. None of the women I knew before I was married made any bones about what I liked. I never did it this way before meaning I didn’t understand what I liked. Now I do. It’s all been about getting to like me enough so I see her reticent behaviour as critical sometimes but, I have to accept her too. : ).

So much has happened there is so much going on. I’m happy mostly. My symptoms are better and I see a lot of my symptoms not having the same sway on my behaviour anymore.

My wife and I were talking about how our kids had an idyllic childhood at her mothers house which they did. They weren’t popular kids. But my wife and I weren’t either . We sheltered them and whatever else was going on we worked for them to be allowed to be kids .

I never got to be a kid and that was the main reason for my behaviour. My wife said that I had all my stories about being a kid and I do. I was something else as well though . That was always there. It’s like I was two different people. That was to cripple my adult life and not come out till (now) but much of that process is accomplished. Now idk. I don’t have to know anything for right now.

I had p doc this week. My arthritis has taken a new and sort of terrible turn and dim in pain. I’ve tried a couple rubs but no luck. Pains manageable but no fun.

I declined to surf yesterday with my son and I feel a little bad about it but if it was summer I would have gone. It was in the sixties and I’m just too cold and it makes the pain worse when I’m freezing and I went grocery shopping instead.

Like an old guy which I am.

But I really wanted to get with my wife and I want her to be happy and it was just the way my son pesters me and he was being a haunt and so I didn’t go because he was bugging me too. I do t like to feel like I have to deal with him like I did when he was a kid. I wanted him to say hey dad will you come with me? Like a grown up and not haunt me and wait for “me to take him”.

At my age? Please, you can take me if you want me to go.

So they are all driving me crazy with their behaviour but I love them.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
It’s around 20 degrees cooler today and everyone is laid low. I’m a little depressed but that’s because mom is down and out and didn’t direct the action today so, we all have been sitting . A Trump paragraphed of some sort went by early and we walked out in the street and waved, its one house in from “the ave” which is “the main drag”. Idk where they came from and i Couldn’t find anything online. We have a local paper which will probably have the story but, it’s SO small town we gave up on it. Anyway we like parades and it was big idk how many care 30? 40?

but anyway I support them not for the ideological stance but because the right has been hiding for fear of offending anyone and the left is very vocal and signs everywhere. Because the people are scared.

But if they take away free speech nobody will be able to speak on either side and anyone who wants that? Not thinking clearly. Nobody gets silenced but you can’t yell fire in a crowded theatre .

But I’m not here about that even though it’s obviously effecting everyone differently but, everyone.

I’m here because it’s cold and we are all in bed. I got my bank account info entered on task rabbit which means I can almost go to work if there is any. Or at least put in for jobs.

plus my pdoc said don’t have the biopsy if you don’t want it because your bloodwork looks good and I don’t blame you if you feel leery of the surgeons who make money from cutting. I like them. But I can’t escape that since this whole thing started. After all, I’ll live without my prostate.

it’s freezing out
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
This is snarky so, don’t read it. I only diary here. I changed my mind, why write it? My needs are probably changing, and it’s Monday morning lol. More coffee!
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Love is upsetting I dreamt about her last night. I woke up twice and I was dreaming about, her upsetting things. She gave herself to me yesterday then she pulls away. It’s awful. I’m not going to talk to either of them till they say “He’s not talking to us”. They are good but putting up with one of them is bad enough. Two of them is impossible. Everyone fights about stupid things. Idk when the dreams started. Recently but they are frequent and vivid. Since I’ve been not sleeping I guess . Last night wasn’t bad. I listened to a Sherlock Holmes . 3 or 4 of them actually. I just finished the history of civilization. 40 episodes on YouTube. The quality was ok, not great. Someone put them on YouTube from cassettes.

Can’t talk about sex. I need to. It’s sounds dumb, but I have to say it. Over and over idk how me at times I’ll have to do this one. This is processing I decided. I can’t proceed because we aren’t doing therapy except on the phone which is nothing. Phone masturbating. I wish I could be worse you. It’s like a penance for keeping her locked up all those years, the process, and also she is mad still. About not having sex back then, about being afraid.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I just had to yell at my electrician and my wife, I hate everyone. Making people do what they said they would and you have to be a top for that. IDK how else to do it and it makes me sick. People suck.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I put the bathroom fan in with the electrician yesterday and he overcharged me. The money they are getting kills me. I did half the work and at those rates it would have been a couple hundred more. That’s if I got paid a percenta Of what he charged me as helper. I ran up and down the ladder all day and vented the hose to the outside of the house. This involved cutting through the siding and the soffit which he started crying I can’t vent it. They are all bitches like that, division of labor and I get stuck doing the work they won’t do like patching the walls after. They all suck and then they over charge for the privilege of putting up with this sh*t.
I want to like this guy still but I don’t want to pay him again. I got up in the attic and it’s beautiful and I want the space. The ceiling is low I can’t stand even at the peak. 4 feet? It’s a sea of spray insulation and you can’t see the floor rafters . The roof rafters aren’t insulated and it’s all wood, so pretty. I want to vault the ceiling downstairs at least in the living room that world be beautiful and make the house seem much bigger . Windows up high. What a mess though . We cut a hole in the bathroom ceiling and all that insulation falls down. I did much of the cutting and all the clean up. No trouble sleeping last night .

Therapy today, that’s not the half of it. I hope my wife can give me a few minutes of her precious time this morning . Ooooh baby. I wanna talk about sex even with all this. It’s all I wanna talk about. Love women!
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I used to panic and go into damage control and start shouting. She loves doing that to me. She said there was something “wrong” with the bathroom fan job and she’s right , everything is wrong with it. Everything is wrong with every though? Something is anyway? Something is always wrong with everything especially with retro fitting new stuff on old houses.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Going into the final stages of election, fake lockdowns, potential war. The riots are nothing big picture and are being “allowed”. Though we pray for the poor people in those infected areas. It’s politics or political theater at the end of the day. I had a little falling out with the therapist probably because she has a hangover after RBG got replaced by ACB on SCOTUS. We are like Romeo and Juliet though which of us is which?

I love her though so I was abusing her verbally because that’s love to me at least in part . She’s abusive for her part . It’s a pattern or another one, and there are SO many. It’s dealing with an ugly part of me, “whadda ya mean you wanna get forced”? As Joyce Carol Oats puts it “what about the rake fantasy “? Never mind. Why is sex so influential in every facet of life? Never mind. It’s not easy to talk about. What’s it like to be in love with someone who escaped from the sex wars ?
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
The part that is feeling good. The other part is still there and it comes out somewhere. Like "I have to take it out on someone.' Please! Can we send that part on a vaca? This is a very old pattern. : (
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m in bed forget today. My doctor gave me a load of 200 mg Celebrex. They are 2 big and I don’t feel well. I figured that when I got them. Oh well. Vitamins on an empty stomach used to do that. I called pdoc and requested the 100 mg dose which is much easier. Blah. Everything is bothering me which is a good sign I don’t feel well so don’t talk because whatever I want to say it won’t be good. Complaints not allowed today.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Can’t write about seduction or sexuality or being as vampire . The therapist “got mad at me” but I was like “why’d you tell me it’s ok that I’m a vampire “? If you let the vampire out he will toy with you awhile but if he thinks he’s not gonna suk on you he has to get going. Dawn comes quickly.

I’m so angry about all that but it’s very confusing because love and sex are all mixed up with it and the level of desire you have for things when you are young and don’t know any better. It’s an orientation and I was not able to ask her. That started in the beginning not being able to say I wanted something. You can do what you want but if I do anything then I’m aggressive, I can’t do that with volition.

I went to the doctor with my wife yesterday and was angry because she’s unwell. She’s unwell from her behaviour and she knows it, but her mother did the same thing and it’s their way of punishing everyone they love.

you can’t do anything about other people and In spite of that, the advice column for the “lovelorn” gets plenty of play. Why do I like the sick ones? Because love is a sickness and a weakness and a dependence and I LOVE it. Why don’t you come over lololol!
 
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