About me being a girl


She’s all grouchy and not feeling well because she won’t take care of herself or take her medication or do what the doctor says. She blames me so when she won’t come to bed, I get mad at her naturally. But whatever I’m fatalistic. I always remember I hated leaving her at home so much because when I came back she’d invariably have been up to her dirty tricks and not telling me. All inescapable and all involving me since I’m the phake husband or the “made up” authority. Which is ridiculous. They just pretend and use me as a scapegoat. I hate all of them but I love them too. Sex helps . Well it’s the whole thing actually lol. It’s the binding force. But I’m doing fairly well practicing being nice though she’s forcing me out of the house to work at my age. She’s working to be fair and has to stop. I just can’t do anything involving people lol. I am doing better though? I’ll tell her they are gonna have to put me on anti anxiety meds that’ll stop her. To get me to be useful I might really have to try it. We always stop both of us. I wish I could work I always have, I like work. I don’t like being out of the house or around people though. LOL Having my son here has upset everything. We are all doing our best watching the pattern play out . The various patterns. There are more than a couple.

how to be and maintain nice when you are trying to put up with a lot of bull sh*t.

it was rainy and snowy the last few day’s they brought my mums inside which is stupid . I have to go put them outside .

There is a lot of stuff I can’t get to half of it. Nice me vs vampire me. Vampire me is always coming out somewhere. If you won’t let me. “Let me”. : ). Girls say that. “I let him”. If I’m being nice somewhere in some area of life I’m failing to be nice somewhere else .

I’m so busy I cooked and went to the hardware and grocery store yesterday and took one daughter back and forth to her program and my son with me out to do my errands which was good but I got no “alone” time . If I ever said that out loud my wife was quick with “I’m stuck with the kids”.

I slept last night. I have the Celebrex in 100 or 200 mg strength. I had a few 5 mg oxys. I take a quarter and I haven’t had a drink. I can’t drink anymore thank goodness.

Told the urologist scheduler I want to Walt on the biopsy as long as possible. I had the “sleep is healing” dreamy feeling this morning. The dreams are off the charts and I having them nightly.
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“I only get my psychotic reaction” was an old song from I don’t know when by I don’t know whom. I liked it though. My kid was just here the kicked out one. I have an ugly ptsd reaction when I see him. That’s awful to say about one of your kids.

it’s not going too bad at home. I’m making allowances, I’m not taking things personally, I’m not saying anything. It’s work though and I’m maxed out right now and I don’t like my kid showing up here with his twenty something BS I was fed up with 5 years ago. Longer prolly. But his mother will stand there and be patient even though she has no use for him she’s just like, they aren’t living here . Anything else she can deal with and she’s not well. That kid is nothing but bad news and I don’t like saying that either but.


She came in and we unexpectedly made love. It was so much fun I actually feel guilty. It could have been like that always though, it was just convenient for her to do it that way. She wants to take me with her or leave me home today and she doesn’t “want to hear about it.” Works for me. I can’t deal with them but now I can hide in piece. Or I can go with her in peace which is more of an effort but I’ll do it. I guess screwing like we were 16 is a problem but I don’t see it. She holds back in her own orgasm. She knows I can do it anytime she will let me and she knows how I feel. It’s hard to explain how passion effects me during that but it’s transportive. I go out of my self completely. That’s a powerful incentive. I feel lucky. Others may look at it and say everything else is a disaster and it is but only if anything else matters .

we carved a second pumpkin and put out help yourself Halloween candy but no body came except one of the group from next door they have kids and had people over there and the kids friends . It would be very quiet and sort off deserted this time of year. More accentuated in the last house because some of the neighbors left for The winters


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I figured a lot of this out but nobody agrees so it’s hardly worth talking about life is a big long argument about sex and death.

Im listening to Durant . Clocks turned back last night a dumb routine. The history shows what we are and that nothing is new. Same old sh*t, different century. Mom is the forgiving mother. She’s maternal. She fosters life which comes from him. The man and the children and sex are all tied together in her . Then there is the dominant one. All those things plus.
She was made irresistible by God but he said don’t let her rule over you. Easier said than done . I worship her . She’s a hard God though not soft or benevolent. She gives it sparingly so as not to spoil. Everyone else she spoils but she’s not sleeping with them (as far as I know).

The Reformation and Calvin and Rembrandt, Erasmus . Kings worried about not being ruled by women.

So what’s so hard to figure out? The tv and the media have driven everyone crazy. If you shit that all off tomorrow everything would go back to the way it’s always been. You’re happy, then sad, people live and die. Hopefully, if you’re lucky, you squeeze in a few good phucks, then it’s your turn.

We will see what she wants today. I went out and asked her to come to bed which she won’t but I want her to know I’m interested sex or not in being in bed with her.💋🌹❤️


Everyone has retreated to their respective corners but it’s a sh*t show and the stress is palatable. I’m doing good but that’s because my wife, whose nightmare this is mostly, surprised me with her love. But my kid is a stress pile and I’m not reacting like I used. Not with my wife either. I hold my youngest much more and it doesn’t reach the “upset” level or the cPTSD part of me that always reacted before. I feel it but then I think “That’s just kidding around”. Which it can be if I say so. I don’t feel nearly as threatened or unsafe as my younger son made me feel (who walked in here again yesterday unannounced). But my youngest was compromised by drugs and booze. There is drinking on the older boys part too but he seems ok now he is home. I’m sure he was drunk all the time in the barracks.

But I can’t deal with both of them and I’m gonna have to make a move. Meaning my wife and son together which was what I meant by my wife’s nightmare because she brought him here for that. I didn’t bring him here but he’s gotta stay at least for now. He needs to keep my youngest out of here because my wife can’t do it.

Painting the picture that way you can see I’d be happy to get rid of them all. It has to be done delicately without hurting the spell. I’m not talking about being manipulative I’m talking about doing things from the “not angry” place. Or fearful.

I have two handicapped women here which is a full time gig. My wife’s working but she does not much else and expects I should cook and clean and renovate . But now I have my son here and he’s a haunt. Again it’s not AS bad but, I need my alone time and I’m not getting it. That’s my mental health time. He is always like hanging around and I used to ask him to come or worry should I ask him but now I’m like “look I have problems of my own, big ones, and unless you are unloading something for me, you’re just another mouth to feed.”

I feel awful but simply put that’s it. Everyone knows it. But if I’m quiet? It’s much better I used to flip out always . I’m gonna speak to my wife about it but she’ll laugh. I remember when the kids were young and I’d say I have a day off and she’d say “I don’t get days off”. Then I realized I had nowhere to go. Couldn’t go to work and couldn’t stay home. I can do it now at least a little . The trick is to shut up about it.

I thought we had something today out of town all together but my wife changed it and neglected to tell me. That’s fine.

I can always get the vacuum out if I get really desperate. : )


I’m gonna have to deal with my kid but I’m not sure how. He is in my way. I said I wouldn’t act but he is a pest. It’s not real bad but it’s not something I should have to put up with either . I just don’t wanna get triggered and get all mad. I got a bunch of stuff done around the house today because if it but I do t want to deal with it. I have enough and I can’t get anything done now and if you aren’t helping you’re in the way and if I have to ask you?

That’s just life. He knows it he was just in the Army. Sadly I empathize and I know he was so sick of it he would rather have died than keep doing it. Been there so many times but , no contingency plan, nothing’s gonna happen. I don’t mind, I like him. Just get out of the way and keep your mouth shut if you can’t help. : )

I loaded the bag dumpster thing I got from amazon. This required chopping up a couple doors with saws and chopping up couch recliner, painted the steps I’d left half done and put up a little more sheet rock paste where I’m trying to get it ready for paint, and not be too much of a perfectionist. He wants to sit in front of the computer and game and look for jobs he says.

I do not want to push him because last time I did he went in the Army. It’s hard for me to be nice about stuff like this especially because I know what his defense will be like . I bought some stuff for the computer today that’ll make it great for games and cleaning it up which I’ve been trying to get that done for years.

I do not want to set him up though I’d it’s gonna be the same old sh*t with him which is exactly what it looks like to me. I really have enough on my hands .

I don’t think he’s no good, he’s just no good to me.


Life is a dream of sexual pleasure please don’t wake me up.

This is the maharaj and Christ combined. I’m reading Augustine and Calvin and Sri Nisargardatta Maharaj . We vacillate between the eternal and the animal.

I don’t know what’s going on in bed but I like it a lot. I have changed internally it maybe it’s the medication which is new, it’s only an anti inflammatory. I think my problem with my arthritis currently is a reaction to the steroid shots. I think I had a bad reaction. The pain and swelling are severe and I’m running pain cream on my wrist daily.

anyway all that’s another way of saying meditation is working and the maharaj said “life is a dream look at it like one and you’ll wake up”. In a paraphrase. Why hate your dream when it’s your own. This coupled with sleeping and an incessant erection in bed (I thought I’d have a spontaneous orgasm last night, so dreamy) is hardly a nightmare .

Plus the dreams, which are vivid and frequent often several times a night, which I wake from feeling the effects of sleep paralysis. Sweet.


“All you need is love, love, love is all you need “.

I’m thinking about the guys dog on the beach the other day a Doberman off the leash that got too close haha. I have a little secret though, in my pocket. I didn’t say anything because I don’t have to. Talking is futile. When they see the baton come out they look twice . It’s what they don’t see though that makes all the difference. People suk.

I stand by the love thing though lololol!
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I have gone into hyper busy mode to deal with the added stress of my son being here. It’s not so bad but I’m barely ok and he’s just put me out of balance . That’s what mom wants anyway. Therapy was good, here is a picture Of where I sat in the car to do phone therapy. I sent it to my therapist just when we started. It’s only a couple minutes from home.


I follow one woman who said the election would go exactly like this. I’m shocked frankly as I expected a very big one sided outcome which didn’t materialize. My girl though, who has been 100% correct this far , says the good guys win. I hope she’s right since I count myself in that number.

See? I didn’t say where I stood but discussed the whole thing. I’m ok for now.

Therapy was good yesterday I’d like to call her now for election therapy. She’d be nice even though we are on opposite sides. She asked me if I voted and I said yes but not for who or what I thought. That wasn’t the main thrust of therapy though we just laughed about the politics .

Wtf else can you do?


Naturally it’s all about the election in the waking world . But talking about it here isn’t appropriate so much. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Even in my diary because I just make political speeches to my self.

I saw the ortho yesterday and I think she likes me, I’m in love with her. I fall in love with women always. Now I have the added benefit of knowing what I want in that directly.
So why not speak directly? I don’t want it to come out wrong. It’s like inviting her in and probably it’s still because I think if I behave correctly she’ll reach out and pull me by the pants. That I’ll have to push her away and be like no no ! We can’t! Anyway it’s a sweet moment with the doctor and the nurse before who I made laugh so I think I love her too. There’s nothing wrong with back rubs and bjs .
And that’s what I think about and that’s all I think about. I want to her approach he differently and be with her not to try and get a leg up on her but then you realize she needs that too. She complains always about me pulling my pants down but i’ always big for her, all she had to do is smile at me and I’m ready . After 30 years that’s not so bad. It’s probably sad I don’t care about anything else . That washing dishes and cooking is good enough and makes me happy enough. Men are supposed to want to get things . I want to get in her pants. It makes me happy.

The ortho said start exercising at home, PT is better than walking, 15 min twice a week. Someone has to lead a project like that. I can do it I like exercise and I’ve done it at home before. I don’t want to try and make anyone else do anything. I just can’t deal with it. Making myself do anything is all I can do. That includes keeping myself from doing about half the stuff . Like not doing anything but practice the guitar.

That’s enough though I’m ok. I hope my wife lets me. She can although she’s “unwell” it’s not stopped her from doing anything and she can have an orgasm if she feels like it. All those years and all the strife was just her having to wait till she felt like it enough. Not in my schedule that’s for sure. She can just jump on the bed and get off, but that’s not to say how she feels or acts after. It makes her worse sometimes I never understood that but I can’t be her.

Im sleeping. I slept the last two nights. I know it’s healing and my body could be better. I get tired during the day. We have to paint our new doors, we missed that somehow. It’s ok for now . I miss her in bed . Even though she wouldn’t make love with me always I was always rubbing her and kissing her all over when she was in bed. It’s easier for sleeping but a lot of intimacy is lost .


Now I can talk about the election because there is a rumor about block chain voting and water marks on ballots. I wouldn’t think twice about it but it came up several months ago. I saw a short video in the subject and someone, whose name I can’t recall but was part of the administration I think, someone I recognized, said “we are excited about this new bloc chain voting that won’t allow for election fraud “. I even posted it a few times, and then the story vanished there was no follow up. But I was excited because I thought, “who wouldn’t want every vote properly counted”?

So now they’re saying they knew all along about what kind of cheating was going to go on, and the did it secretly, to catch them red handed and be able to prove it.

Nah, couldn’t be?