About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I feel good. I have things to do and I’m interested. Very busy but if I get overwhelmed I can lie down. If I feel like a girl I can do things I want to, not because I have to.

My daughter tested positive for covid but she says she’s over the hump and it was a minor head cold in terms of symptoms. She works in hospital and felt compelled to be tested . Plus she felt like staying home from work, an irresistible combination.

The election could go either way. The watermark thing was a fraud and I should have known because of the source but, I wanna believe lolol!

I hope I get some this morning, my wife had been pleasantly accommodating but, she’s keeping something back. That’s her way, wait and wait and wait. I need that.

: )

My arthritis is so severe and the ortho is totally in love with me. She could hardly leave the room yesterday, she was stammering like “I have to go”. Apologetic. I should have given her a hug. These women! My wife laughs at me and says you all think every woman you meet finds you irresistible lol. Us men.

Another day another carrot, as bugs bunny would say.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We went to Martha’s Vineyard for the day but it was a nightmare or it would have been except for me keeping my mouth shut which is another way of saying a pacifist or non violent. I don’t like the word pacifist? I mean ill shoot you lol. I just won’t argue.

Anyway my wife wanted to go and idk why, she never adapted to things being so messed up from covid because she never stopped what she was doing. But she got a big dose of covid zombie land today. What should have been a nice off season day was an almost nothing is open and no one is around day. Really creepy. Now there are bums everywhere too. We used to say “street people”? I’m sorry and I know they need help but, they don’t need to be everywhere. Anyway it was all masks no or around and everything closed. Anyway I just went baking with it and I didn’t complain or try and direct things or fix things. That was how I always messed up? Men think they have to fix things. My wife likes to decide things and then she wants me to decide . Like what do you want to do now we are here and I’d be like I’m here because if you. But I used to fall for it every time and I’d get mad. So before we left I said “once we get there, don’t start asking me what I want to do, or what we should do”.

You know it actually worked?
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
A sexual daydream. Fighting against pleasure. The more you tell me you hate me the more I like you. We know each other so well before the fact. Kiss me, you fool. : )

I learned about them by watching them together, my son and my wife. I get a clear picture in my mind about what I want to say about them, a feeling, what I realized, and I can’t get it out. I love them, they are just awful people lol.

You can’t ask them direct questions and they obfuscate and are abusive to try and avoid making decisions . Everything is someone else’s fault. Passive aggressive. Extremely. But it’s on a subtle level having to do with the people they’re emotionally involved with. This is what makes theM monstrous. To the outside works they seem competent and capable when they have to “show” themselves.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I'm doing really good at a couple key things. I'm not getting upset, and if I do, I'm shutting up about it. We have flare ups. It's not all over. I was always like that. If you don't talk and wait awhile, things blow over. When you come back to them they are not as bad. I am interacting with a bunch of people. I can't handle them all. Saying to myself, don't be angry and don't stay angry. It gets so difficult if you feel like someone SHOULD do or not do something. Like don't feel hurt. I was thinking back on this particular instance and I was "wanting to be hurt" or rather, I was thinking "I have every right to be hurt and I am hurt". Justifying it in other words. Being a pacifist is hard work it may kill me.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I am very naughty about sex though and I’m about as belligerent as my wife❤️🌹💋. She is hateful and intentionally spiteful but then she does you know what. It’s the on off thing as a lover you know I find it intolerable. I used to tell her when we were younger she did it all the time. and she’d threaten me so I’d do things. Like do this or I’ll do that. I hate that it’s a competition then. I actually had to make her in bed yesterday making love. She never complains and she acts like she loves me. Then I turn around and I have the angry person. Zero love. It goes from 100% to zero. So I’m trying to not participate as usual. I’m trying to be quiet and agreeable. The things I want I shouldn’t have to ask for. If I have to ask or if I’m to go without then don’t expect me to do anything. Same old nonsense in other words lol.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m up and it’s late. I have a plan to counter my wife but I don’t like it. It makes me mad having to fight her. Like I said many times I’d much rather be left alone but she won’t leave me alone so I have to keep fighting back. So it’s only about power and control but I just have to be quiet because like the salesmen used to say, the one that talks first loses. I always had to fight her it’s her nature . She will t be reasonable and couldn’t care less what’s true or isn’t. She just says I want that to be true lol. I’m holding the line. I just can’t do the on off thing with passion? I never was able. Why do it if it’s going to be a drag? Lol. Those are my wife’s words. : )

The political thing is painful. It’s happened before though. I like some of the people they’re bringing out. Even the attorney general had come out of the woodwork. Political theater. I’m very interested to see what they’ll do.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Lots of the fighting came from me. Subconsciously I was always fighting. Wanting acceptance and approval. That’s a simple explanation. Much of what I see in my wife is undoubtedly a reflection of me. I don’t want to see it though. So like who has permission to say or so what is the thing. It starts with sex. How she is with him about sex then that’s how he is. Not wholly. But men are supposed to be able to laugh at her shenanigans. She’s supposed to need him. What if he’s a putz though? Lol.

So we all know, meaning all the persons who make up my wife and I collectively, that I think my wife should conform herself to me sexually . What’s that mean? It means I can count on her for it when I need it. I need it all the time I admit. But I had to fight her for it always and I was always sullen and angry because she withheld herself. Yes I was part of that too. But then you start going, “who was first “, and “who was the most wrong or the biggest sinner”? Then it’s a matter of degrees. So you start going back and forth and going, “yeah but you did this or didn’t do that”, and so on. Plus my wife is promiscuous in her behaviour which means unsettled and that didn’t allow her to be a good wife but that’s just another angle and she’d say I was wrong and then we’re arguing again. It’s funny but not really because I don’t like trying to beat her, or get around her, because she’s way better at that game than I and besides, what can I do about it really? Have an affair? I’m too lazy lol. One is enough trouble.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
There are two life upgrades. Handyman, quality of life. The bathroom fan was a really great upgrade in spite of my being angry with my electrician because I think he overcharged me. But that exhaust fan in a very small and very busy bathroom (house) is a godsend. Now, what goes on in the bathroom stays in the bathroom. : )
2nd is this little drain cleaning thing I bought for 15 bucks on amazon. I struggled a couple years with those drains and they are working well now. A beach house like all houses in my town. So all the older houses have had a couple generations of sand going in the drains. I was sneaking down 15 feet every three months or so as the drain slowed down. Yesterday I cleared 2 tub drains in about 10 minutes. I think along with the sand the Soap scum, shampoo and conditioner clogs the pipes. I have to clean it off the porcelain tub. It’s like a paste and it really sticks to the tub and it’s so hard to get off I actually thought it WAS the tub. I wrote that in another post anyway. It’s a little air gun with 3 attachments ado it does any drain and for a tub you shove a wet washcloth in the upper hole after removing the drain closure thingy. Idk what it’s called lol, and it shoots a blast of air down the drain and blows the clogs out . Works.
I’ve wanted on and off to put products here if you find a thing you love, or that makes life better.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We had a big day, my wife’s client of six or seven years passed last night. I went over someone else’s house and did a job. I may or may not get paid, it’s fine, I wanted to do it. This is what I’m supposedly going to do and my wife stay home. It’s not out of the realm of possibility.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Yummy mummy is home. Her overnight shifts ended with the deaths of her “client”. Everyone falls in love with my wife, nobody is exempt from her spell. Where she goes, people want to keep her around. Me on the other hand lol. Nobody wants me around. But that’s my cPTSD reactions mostly. I do t blame myself anymore. I was gonna start a thread about being a recluse but threads don’t go anywhere usually unless it’s an internet game . The “I’m a recluse” people are not usually very talkative about it.

Even saying that shows my being a recluse . I actually think I start seeing a way out of it sometimes, but it’s always about sex. Vampire me. “Where’s your vampire master”? That’s real and that’s really me. Now I’m a nice vampire like Twilight . I read an article once about how vampires had become good in the movies. Sympathetic monsters. That’s funny. But it did make me “not nice” and I am nice now because I understand what I am and what I want to do and why. And, I LOVE women. That’s a real plus. : )
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
IDK, for me it’s all about sex. I guess we know that after all these years of writing and talking about it. It’s the creme on top, the icing on the cake. Some people want the key to the executive wash room, lol. I’d like to be successful but “That don’t keep me warm in my bed at night”. My wife’s just running another scam on me and the therapist is polluted with women’s lib so she can’t admit things are how they are. She can’t say that in sex someone’s dominant. It can be the woman. She can’t admit it though because it would imply an inequality. That’s not allowed. When I’m trying to do therapy about how I am she’s stopping me and correcting me because her women’s lib sensibilities get challenged and she has to explain how I’m wrong in my thinking. I might confront her in it this week if I feel like having some entertainment. She can’t admit it because it would show she was wrong. Not allowed . Men don’t get to say women are wrong. That’s the whole thing in a nutshell. No matter what’s going on the women are complaining about the men. How they don’t get it. She gets her back up when she feels like she’s being told what to do. Not by anyone, by someone in particular, her husband. Oh! That word.
I’m going to phuck off all day. I’m so sick of having to argue with everyone but I learned something important about That (again). Make them draw you out, don’t volunteer. : ). I wanna kiss her all over.

I’m afraid to talk about being a girl really because everyone says “no it’s not like that and no you aren’t like that”. Hahah. I’m afraid to say it because I don’t feel Like arguing about what so obviously is. If I want an argument I can open my mouth in front of my wife lol.
Women get away with murder because of sex. That was what I always wanted . I didn’t want to have anything expected of me but sex. That was what that first therapist said. She said “He feels like if he does that, he doesn’t have to do anything else”. Just like the girls do. If you’re really nice, you might get lucky.

what a life
 
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Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
My wife got herself put into the er today for her blood pressure. That means her doctor insisted. She’s been screwing around with it for years and not taking her medication and eating junk and blaming me of course. I feel guilty but not really? Her mother did the same thing and she had plenty of money and everything my wife blames me for not having. Waiting for her appointment makes her BP skyrocket, because she hates the doctor (all doctors) So catch 22. But I digress. My only solace is no matter what happened or didn’t, it would’ve been my fault somehow. That’s enough about her and her health. I’ll do what I can, which will be woefully inadequate I’m afraid.

I am ok besides being worried about her which is only really being worried about me because I couldn’t line without her naturally. You’d expect that after 30 years. I hope they get her stable somehow but it was her behavior that got her there. Unless she changes that in a big way? She never has. It’s hard to stop doing stuff that works regardless of the pain . That’s sounds funny like, why do you think it’s working if it’s painful?

We know that don’t we?
 
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