About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Not a great morning my wife’s making a mess as usual. I never could deal with her. She was always putting her stuff in me and expecting me to clean up after her and not letting me do it. It’s really maddening but I have to try and not think about it. I become anxious and exasperated. If I say anything she denies it . That’s what women get away with is lying right through their teeth about what they’re doing with you and they use sex to get away with it.

Its 5:30 I’ve been up since 2:30. I just took my medication and I’m having coffee and depending if I get laid will be how things go from here. I’m not expecting her to voulenteer . But if I don’t have to talk to any of them I can probably have an ok day.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I have been noticing my resentment about the men in recovery but it’s hard to complain about it without someone saying something I don’t want to hear, because I don’t want to hear it. I know there is a remnant or about 10% outside this but . If the men find out you feel like a girl they ask is you want to give head. This is around the recovery sites I mean. I understand because I use sex the same way? It means the men don’t participate in my recovery though because I like women. I don’t want to say anymore about it because it gets worse. I haven’t complained about it for awhile I’ll have to yell at the therapist about it. She designed that website or she was involved . All I ever did was laugh at her. They sponsored all these weekends where all the men go to a hotel and bunk with roommates and get instructed not to have sex. Haha. “What a maroon”. She should know better having escaped the perverts in the Catholic hierarchy where she was taught that “same sex is not sex”. All the poor kids. It works the same as political correctness. The truth is relative . Except it isn’t .
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I had thought someone here was the opposite sex who wasn’t. Which sex is irrelevant. No harm done. I’d wondered about it though, and I left it hanging, without a direct asking. I enjoyed that. I’m not disappointed. I’m bemused with myself.

The therapist created this new me. I don’t like him/her, I love them. Beats the alternative they used to say. : ). Idk what woulda happened, but it’s not worth thinking about it. What would have happened if I could’ve acted on this or like this or even have known about or realized it. Here I am. “Stuck in the middle with you”. I feel ok now. No sleep but. I think I’m standing up for myself but only because my wife is waning. She is such a giant person lol. The way she acts is like a total pushover. She is in some situations but when it counts ? The people who know her suspect this. Her BFF said “she always wins”. Mostly nobody notices. She’s that genteel. That’s an antiquated word.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
There is a bright spot my kid got a job. This is in a time of the phake virus. We were dubious. We know he’s smart, even though I’m not supposed to say it. I was proud to have a smart kid lol. He served honorably in a foreign land and domestically and he acquired a skill. He didn’t go to school per se, just the training he got for his job. It was a six month course and then he was good at what he was doing and he liked it. He just didn’t like the military oh well. He’s not the first one.
This’ll take a few months to shake out . He goes to school for a few months and gets paid and he gets a significant signing bonus and one of his buddies from the military is being hired at the same time so they’ll get to be together. Very good. He says he admires us. He is a flatterer but there is some truth in his praise. We stayed married. He did a quick dinner table discussion run down of the stuff my wife and I did/lived through. Idk how to say that. Stuff we caused, stuff that happened? Decisions we made or half made? Point is, almost nobody woulda stayed married lol. The numbers are available. I’m a pretty good amateur statistician. So two of the kids have gone to school for something and are working in their fields. Our eldest, who we are going to visit out of state before Christmas God willing, don’t tell the c19 gestapo, is going into business. Oh and I turned on task rabbit finally. I did that job over at my wife’s clients house. It came out ok. Not great but they didn’t ask for great. It’s better than what I found there. I am updating the task rabbit app.

I might do a trash business. I should have done that a few years back but like I said I don’t look back I wasn’t in shape for it and I might not be still but I’m in better shape. There is no dump or landfill here it’s terrible.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m good, it wasn’t a great day except it was. The morning was something like heaven? If it’s imaginable? The rest of the day hung sort of heavy. Well. I’m good enough, put it that way.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I am good. Making love was like fireworks and stuff. We are having severe weather . Or a little Weather with severe potential, I ran out and got the flag in. I’m lying awake. I took a nap when I usually get ready for bed so I’m way out of whack. I’m used to being in bed awake as I haven’t been sleep for weeks and this week was especially bad. I have a good night here and there meaning I only get up a couple times and can fall back to sleep. Now I’m waking up any time after 12, and I’ll probably be up for hours . I use my vape eventually. 2 or 3 hours and I’m maxed for lying awake. Vaping works but it still takes awhile, usually an hour or so.
I can’t talk about sex half because I think I shouldn’t and half because nobody would know what I was talking about. I really am a girl. It’s probably a combination of things , lower testosterone has got to be a factor? I was thinking about what a eunuch must have been like or felt like? It’s good they did away with that ! When you take how I feel in total and forget my birth gender a moment it all makes sense. The therapist can’t do it like I said because it threatens her women’s lib sensibilities. The way I describe how I feel and if I say it’s feminine, or I’m a girl she says “that’s not what that means” lol I’m grateful though overall. Im grateful I know what it means. I’ve known since I was a little kid. It’s what I always was. Maybe it’s not important anymore if anyone else understands.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Yesterday and last night were so different, weird and out of the ordinary. Sex was just insane. Now she ignores me like it didn’t happen. But she came up behind me yesterday and put her arms around me. She says I’m always coming forward which keeps her back . I don’t buy it. Waiting for her means never. Our chemistry. I love her desperately. It’s a different kind of love? Get on top of me and screw me is one kind of love. It’s not the only kind. Any love is good love? Maybe.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I got the house clean finally. I have to dust, vacuum really, some furniture. The dust is awful. In a week or so, when the light hits the floors right, you can see pathways in the middle and dust out toward the walls and doorways . It’s getting really frustrating nothing getting done but I’m trying and trying not to stress about it or fight it. I have to paint the two doors inside and out and it’s getting cold? That’s how everything feels . Thanksgiving is next week, the holidays seem out of the question. Plus she wants to go to NY. I don’t even want to talk about that. I think I’ll ask her if we can skip it or do a dumbed down version. I want to do less, not more.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m gonna move the furniture back this morning on my wife, you just know she’s going to be unhappy about that but, I figured this out. I probably explained it about a hundred times. It’s our peculiar way of working out our disagreements. In polite conversation I suppose, that’s enough of an explanation.

I have to talk to the therapist today she’s another one. I doubt we can proceed but if I go very gently we will see. How she feels about things colours what she says to me or more pertinently, what she is trying to do with me. Her authority. Ruining that authority is so seductive, like when a woman sleeps with her boss. The forbidden fruit.

I made a deal with my wife about moving the furniture and she went back on it, but I think I did that in the heat of the moment so, I mightn’t have been careful enough about the particulars. I have the goods on her though so, I can’t wait to see how she gets out of this one. Probably she will come in here to avoid it. That’ll shut my mouth.

Edit: That bit was a day ago. I don’t feel like that now. She did come in but it was hesitant and a little off. You can’t say like sex was bad. It wasn’t bad it just wasn’t falling out of the bed. Part of that is the situation, someone across the wall or environment. That’s my fault too of course. But we are involved in a passion still so it gets done somehow. An “autumnal passion”. : )

Therapy yesterday was good, I sit by the water.

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This post is a combination of two and I can’t screw around with cutting and pasting on my phone which is an assache. I’m a little out of sorts.
 
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Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
It’s too complex for me to talk about? There is way too much going on. I want to be left alone and find lonely old women (my age) and have sex. I’ll fix the holes in the walls and leaks under the sinks. I’m am the not fussiest companion imaginable. I’m grateful for that kind of company I always was. I painted yesterday and I’m gonna do it again today. I don’t like it but I’m trying to do it without resisting.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
2 days I haven’t looked at this. Can’t keep up I’m so busy. It’s 4:15 I’ve been up since 2. Not sleeping. Had a wifey day yesterday. I let her do what she wanted . I kept her company. I got a little frustrated a couple times but it was nice. I’m not fighting. It’s much more complicated but it’s working. Let everyone do what they want. Stay out of the way. Have fun. Even if every thing sux, it doesn’t. Be nice.

I know you can’t be nice you don’t know what it means or, I didn’t.

but I’m doing better at it now. I think it’s funny I talk in the third person like that, like I start teaching or trying to explain it. To whom?

I can get up in an hour that’ll go by fast now. I think we will make love this morning. I’m all in love. I don’t mind anything if I have that.

I am more involved in my being happy or unhappy than I was able probably ever. I always knew that it was true to say I can decide to be happy or I’m as happy as I wanna be. I’m doing it kinda. It’s working. I start feeling miserable and then I’m like for what. I dont want that. I went In a restaurant yesterday it was fine. It could have been terrible they are having a hard time. Things are strained. So I didn’t expect much and I was happy. I was always miserable. cPTSD miserable. I have to paint in the morning I hate painting. We will see how that goes lol.
 
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Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I think I had an ah ha in therapy but I feel like I said this to her before and didn’t get anywhere? She’s waiting for me to realise a thing. Ive said it before but it’s pressing on my mind. I have been thinking it’s because she’s a leftist, though when I speak intimately with her she says things that would make her not a leftist, so it confuses me. I don’t care really, because she’s a therapist and i needed her help. I try and leave idealogical discussions for elsewhere . But I have to watch her because she gets mad at me. I kept saying that to her last week and she was laughing at me . She kept going say what you want and I’d say you always say that till you start yelling at me. Because she gets triggered. Like about women’s lib stuff and who knows what. I mean I know she hates the President and thinks it’s ok for us to be locked down.

Anyway I think my mother used me for sex . I don’t want to talk about it except what it did to me, which I think I see more and more . I think the therapist wants me to say this. But I can’t know it because I can’t see it. I don’t remember anything specific about us except. Except on a very deep level. Like anyone who breast fed. You might not actually remember but ... there was that stuff when I was around 6 and how I didn’t mature like I should and the morbid attachment I had to her and the pacifiers. I remember some of that. I might remember wanting to be in bed with her but not actually doing it. But if I look at how I am and how I was that would explain a lot . A survivor. It would explain a lot.

Anyway I know I ran that up the flag in therapy a few times and idk? It seemed like a dead end? I think I’ll mention it again. Time to shake her up and see what falls off lol. It’s me that does it.

in the end it always comes back to us . So I can use the therapist she helps but I do it.

Something like that.
 
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