About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
My wife’s snoring next to me and I hope she feels pleasantly disposed towards me when she wakes up. I’m just happy to be in bed with her, I love hearing her snore and I can feel her and smell her she’s so beautiful. LOL! Went and got her this morning which I’ve been waiting to wake up and make love with her before the “morning routine” starts. It’s the only way I get her all to myself awhile. I know she’s in love with me lol. I must be doing something right but I hate having to make her. She fights like hell and she asks no quarter. It’s all under the covers with her nobody sees what’s really going on. I was going to lay down the law again. I don’t like doing it. I think it’s ok to protest. It’s ok to say you aren’t satisfied or there is unacceptable behavior going on. It tends toward anger though and I’d rather avoid that. She’s a real hard case but then, she’s not alone in that!
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I can’t believe how much time goes by so fast in between when I look at this. I’m good. I’m anxious, but not bad at all. I’m hoping to eat out today, Wendy’s or BK, it’s expensive but not bad. Everything is about expensive now because I need to make money for us . I’m praying I can do something.

Im so obsessed with sex, my therapist sent me something, I haven’t read it yet about why some of us are like this. It’s on a website I didn’t want to log into because it wanted my info. I wanna read it though. I don’t care particularly what he’ll say but I’m interested in numbers and some other stuff. I’m hoping it’ll be informative and “clinical” which is the word I use when I don’t want to hear the libs carping about how it “feels”. I know all about that.

Everything else is going on it’s crazy. It’s way too much to write it all out lol.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I got out of the shower and jumped in bed, first time I’ve been warm all day, temperatures in the thirty’s, at least it’s not windy. I’m pretty good.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I have a lot to do here and we could fix up the space we own here but my wife’s in the way. That’s and easy way to say let’s argue lol. I’m not though. I’m saying I want to fix up this space it’s all wasted. My wife has our room lined around the outside walls with shelves and cabinets full of stuff nobody uses. You can’t move and you can’t clean. I also found a nice solution for the basement outside walls to make it warm down there but guess what? The basements full of her junk. See a pattern here?

I was feeling anxious this morning but that was male me feeling inadequate lol. If I feel like a girl it’s not so much trouble.

That’s life in a few paragraphs.

We are doing ok. I need a job but getting anything done would help. Money of course we always need money we always have. My wife wants to stay home in her mess and make sure no one cleans it up.

The plumber never showed up last week meaning the downstairs showers out of commission, that’s been a week. It’s horrible when things don’t get taken care of, and drag on like that.

blah blah. All that matters is a good attitude, and trying to be bright and cheery, or at least non violent. I’m pretty cheerful I’m spite of everything being wrong because, everything has always been wrong. We are working through the last few verses of Ephesians in our spiritual life or church life. Our teacher / pastor is so wonderful and knowledgeable I really love him.

My wife refused me a quickie this morning, so far at least. : ) lol.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m taking a break I cleaned the bathroom, now I’m going to vacuum. The dust is awful and the hair. The house isn’t dirty really except for that. I’m going to vacuum under my bed and the dust will be an inch thick by now. I’ve been trying to spot vac or quickie vac during the week but it isn’t doing much good. I can’t clean when everyone is here. I’m going to have to try the plumber again I hate calling because I left him a message and if I say “this is a little more important” he will think “I can charge him a little more. Owning this house is a headache because too much needs to be done. It’s so expensive. I saved $275 bucks this morning (that’s not true but it looks like that on paper so, I’ll take it). I got a water bill I’m not used to and my first reaction was “I owe this” which is kinda defeatist, but I double checked and it’s just a double bill thing I already paid it, I just had to get on the phone and update the account. It’s not always bad news. : )
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Having to try and be a man is really annoying. The whole suburb thing. I quit. I don’t mind the house or the area. I’m just not the maintenance guy. I don’t mind being the cleaner. My wife forces it on me but I don't force her. I don’t make her do girl things. She does what she wants for she thinks she can direct me. I don’t want to do it. I can’t figure it out 100%. I do force her a little . She has to put bandaids on and certain other small things ? She’s real feminine but not real nurturing?

I need to forget all about the handyman thing and get rid of my tools and I’m not calling anyone anymore. She’s not going to like the sound of that. It’s because I can’t work with her too. She never helps me do anything. Except in bed. She helps me with that.
But she just goes like you, meaning me, have to call another plumber. I’ve had enough though I do t want too and I was lying awake last night worrying about climbing up a ladder in the back yard with a chainsaw and my kid is around the house all day and he is underfoot.

I don’t wanna deal with this mess. : )

ive been up since 230. I’m gonna go to the grocery store today and chill and play the guitar for about six hours. She started teasing me about that now so I feel like I can’t play it. It’s like knitting or something for me. I’m happy to sit and play it. Do the housework and so on. I don’t tease her for watching tv. She isn’t concerned with what I think though.

But I can negotiate all this. I just can’t get angry. The house needs so much work and everything and everyone is in the way and I’m frustrated to the point I just wanna forget it. I certainly don’t wanna argue with her about doing or not doing things.
It’s enough already! Plus I’m supposed to go to work lol.
I’m on disability and I think I’ll call the state and turn them all in for abuse because I feel like climbing up a ladder with a chainsaw. That’s like a suicide attempt lol!
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Life by the orgasm. I don’t mention it even in my diary because I can’t . I can’t write it down. I mentioned this to the therapist yesterday. Therapy was good and productive. Lying awake last night from 230 wasn’t good or productive but it produced an orgasm before I got up. The second one. That one “finishes me”. There are two of us and we both have the same hierarchy of needs. Meaning two disassociative personalities? Is that right? Idk what to call them.

I am writing the therapist daily now she assigned me the task I think I’m gonna use it to get something done therapy wise. I’m not sure I know what that means.

My wife made me laugh just now because I was teasing her a little and she flips out lol we both ended up laughing. But she really won’t let me do anything it’s funny if I watch it, as opposed to being in it. When I tell her I’m going to “do something” and it involves both of us or affects both of us, she starts yelling “don’t do it”! Then if I leave her alone awhile she starts yelling “you’re not doing anything”!

if I say this is going on she says I’m crazy. I have a persecution complex, she said it this morning.

it’s really funny. It could be sad or it could make me angry? Funny is more enjoyable.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
My wife sent me a plumbers number from someone in a text. I told her thanks but I’ve had it with calling these guys . Now I’m gonna wait to see her come back on me with that .

She makes a big mess and I have to clean it up for her and it’s no questions asked. She fell into this situation (this house) by doing the wrong things, not listening to me and I remember saying and I documented it here, you’ll make a big mess and I’ll be left cleaning it up again. That’s what calling the plumber is. A continuation of the nightmare. I can’t do it anymore. She’ll work me into a position so I’ll have to lol. Right now I’m gonna protest though? I don’t want to participate.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We have a little trip today, it’s one of my wife’s little things she does. I’ve been quiet. I have to avoid my son in my daily routine because if I have to deal with him I can’t get done what I’m trying to do. I don’t mind him. I’m not allowing the “bad” part of me to bother about him. The part that’s always trying to get rid of someone. It’s like for me to get along with you it’s best if I leave you alone. I hope she comes I awhile this morning. Oooh baby. : ). I can’t leave her alone for long.

I struggle through my days trying to keep the house clean and feed everyone. Driving the kids or putting them in the bus. Trying to make the time go by and being happy which means being distracted mostly. Trying to be musical and trying to be nice to me. I played guitar about three hours yesterday. I’ve been beating myself up about it again which translates to “trying to accomplish something “. I do t think I need to, not about music. I wanna be famous or play with other people or do a YouTube channel but it’s also a self stim, or like the ladies do, knitting. I can just sit down with it for hours and I’m happy. Playing the guitar and playing with myself. So I’m a bohemian artist, sex and music. Like a beatnick because I’m a poet too. I have a body of poetry I wrote my wife in cards. I buy blank ones and write her poems. I used to be good at it, it was easy, now not so much. I have to struggle.
I wanna kiss her all over. We are very close now. It takes a lifetime. We used to know to respect married people. It deserves respect. If you can stay married there has to be something good about you. We like each other meaning like like. It held us together. I don’t mind going in the other room, but I don’t like being much further away from her than that ever. Close enough to make love. Just in case. 💋.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We were fighting just now we are travelling. I recognize all this crap now in my immediate family and I just can’t deal with any of them anymore. It’s the BS that
People do and say when they want something done or something stopped. Everyone starts needling each other and getting nettled. SO annoying, I told them I couldn’t deal with their behavior and they pulled themselves together, somewhat. Drove all day it’s late and we are waiting for dinner to be delivered way past all our bedtimes. It was pretty nice day overall. Everyone is tired.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We got home in on piece. Everyone a little bent out of shape but I’m getting better at not participating when things go sideways. I used to get mad. Even when I do I get over it right away. Not always but my percentage is much higher. Less ptsd reactions. Thinking and watching and responding appropriately or not responding and not keeping the bad behavior going by buying into it. Even if everyone else is mad I don’t have to join in. I’m not responsible for other people’s happiness. My wife used that against me for years. My wife did something today that is a real boundary violation of mine a real old sore spot. I just walked away and didn’t say anything after. She got really mad. I didn’t. She’s still mad. I’m not. I don’t feel like I have to tell her about it because I think the first time I told her not to do that was on our honeymoon. She didn’t listen then nor on any of the subsequent occasions she did the same thing. Why bother? I just didn’t participate. I just walked away. Continuing to participate would have put me in a compromised position. Walking away put her in one. She’s furious lol. It’s not nice to fool with Mother Nature or my wife? But I didn’t. What I did was worse. That’s how she sees it anyway. I’ve had enough of the behavior though. It was an exhausting couple days driving and visiting and eating strange food and sleeping in a hotel. I think I did well. I might be the only one who thinks so? I know how I used to do about that kind of situation though. Good, that’s what I call it.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I kicked my wife out of bed this morning because I can’t stand the behavior lol. I noticed immediately I was able to say no across a broad front after that meaning what I always said, if I don’t “let” her I’m not her slave anymore. I just called another plumber. I hate having to deal with these guys. I need the traffic in the upstairs bathroom to be lessened which requires fixing the plumbing.

My daughters behavior is going off the rails. Idk what’s bothering her but this is like awful. Well I suppose it’s what’s bothering everyone? We just came back from a stressful trip, it’s Christmas and we are trying to work out our stuff?

idk.
 
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