About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
My son intervened and saved me from my daughter being abusive which is a routine she does. It’s just autistic behavior and she is not real serious but it’s still scary because it looks totally serious. She has to be “handled” like everyone which is work and I’m tired of them all. Which is just me complaining. I have phone therapy today. I’m taking the day off I just can’t deal with this today lol.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
As we used to say back in the day, my old lady is phucking me over lol. Just another way of saying she took the last round in the battle between the sexes. The rest is just girl talk.

I’m ok. Therapy was good yesterday now I get Christmas off from therapy which is good because I’m taking Christmas off too. I’m so sick of all of them.

Yesterday I was borderline depressed along those lines and I feel the same today just intellectually, it’s not hurting ?

It’s the husband wife thing and who decides. Luckily there is a prize at the end if you hang in there, meaning good sex. Which is all that matters and you can say other things matter . Money is all that comes to mind. Money is just another kind of power or control. If you already have good sex, you don’t have to buy it.

You can’t store it up. Use it while you can. As for her? I’ll fix her little red wagon lol, if it’s the last thing I do. : )
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I like the coat I ordered on Amazon so much I ordered another for my wife one size smaller. She’ll complain I ordered her a men’s maybe but I’m stuck for a Christmas gift, we are having a blizzard and at least I know what I’m getting, it’s a really good coat for the $$. I took a few pics to post on my review I’ll see if I can blank my face out and post them. I wanted to do that to post them on amazon as part of my review. This is at least the 5th one I ordered and returned. It’s the best by far. I got it for beach walking and wore it yesterday, the wind chill was in the teens, I was bundled up but it was fine : ) especially considering the price.
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Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I was wrong and wrong again about someone here in terms of gender and it’s blowing my mind but not in a bad way. It’s got to be my filter. I notice I decide things sometimes because it makes me comfortable for it to be that way which I guess is ignorant, lazy or both lol. If that’s the worst thing I experience today I guess im good. I am good actually I did have a nice day shoveling and so forth. Family home house domestic things (comforts). Today was real good. : )
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Hmmmm. Waiting makes sex great, it always has with us. My wife’s good at waiting lol. I’m wicked in love. Probably because she makes it like such a big deal, like she’s doing me such a big favor. That’s her. I don’t think she likes to give up control and being in love for her makes her too vulnerable. She’d just laugh at me. I have to work like hell on her and believe me it burns through all my cycles . I don’t have any left for anything else. It’s nice I guess she thinks so highly of herself. I love being naughty and phuck my brains out. Oh well. To each their own I suppose? I can’t do it like I used to. I can if I take a pill but I never liked that as much as I like what I’m doing now. I don’t get off on being on top as much. I used to be able to but it was pretend sort of. I’m not like that. I used to say I was sorry about banging away like that. It made me feel sheepish. She’s always been the same . She’s is friendly after for a little and then she starts picking on me. I don’t take it personally anymore but it’s hard for me to imagine that people are the way they are.

Visiting the stepson, Christmas, politics, money and my son being here. We always have a lot going on ? It’s always thunder under the covers. My wife says it wasn’t always but she’s wrong.

I would always be mad at her because she was trying to divorce me or throw me out always. Hahahah. Women. As soon as you marry they start trying to get rid of you. They like being naughty. #Meetoo!
i just sent her a text to come in the bedroom with me and cuddle . She won’t. She’ll say knock it off you got that yesterday. It works though. Not sure how or why really.

Getting her to “behave” is impossible. I’m sure she feels the same about me and I wouldn’t blame her.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m up it’s 3 in the morning. I wake up with erections and weird dreams.

We got a Christmas tree yesterday which upset me it always has, idk why. It’s only getting it and getting it In The house. I like it after that. We probably wouldn’t have done it, but our daughter was adamant and when we gave in, the place she wanted to go had none left. We paid an outrageous price for a so so tree, but it’s going to be beautiful decorated, they always are. I didn’t put the lights up outside. We went away last week. That threw a real monkey wrench in the works.

I’m numb sorta. I push my negative feelings off. Why have negative feelings? It’s always me being negative. Things are why they are if I wanna feel bad that’s up to me. So I’ve been giving into my anxiety a little. Letting me feel bad about me . I came out of it yesterday.

My wife did something about sex she’s never done. It was a real closeness. Sort of letting the walls down more and more . I was naughty about women when We were younger and I’m glad I never had an affair. I’m glad we are married still. At least we did that.

Nothing is getting accomplished, oh well. We have a plumber coming. That’s something. All that had to do with my feelings and being submissive. I don’t mind being stuck if I’m with my wife. We got to go shopping yesterday alone together. That was nice. I get a little impatient, but I didn’t wake up about how I was feeling till later in the day.

I feel better now.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m kinda depressed. I have to decorate the tree. I need to take my medicine. That might be making me depressed though. Not bad, just? We just were in our local Salvation Army store. I watched someone being rude . That depressed me. I felt like being rude , that depressed me. I hate typing on this phucking thing because I spend half my time correcting stuff. That’s complaining. I guess I feel like complaining. But whatever . I’m not keeping the house clean as much as I would like. I want to put the lights up outside the house but I really do t feel like it. My wife was nice this morning. I don’t feel like I deserve it.

see? I’m complaining.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Today i did something for charity. My wife arranged it. It was like meals on wheels but holiday meals? The people who set it up worked hard. I got to deliver and say hi this is for you and merry Christmas. Mostly elderly in my town. They’re so appreciative. My wife and I and our 2 daughters. My daughters do meals on wheels as part of their programs so they were used to it. It was new to me. I really liked it. It made me feel good. Then we went out tonight looking at Christmas lights around the town the my organized a very friendly low key competition. Sort of drive around and look and vote and drop the votes at a local restaurant. We didn’t last long but a lot of people were driving around doing it. It was fun. Homegrown. Small town.

I went shopping in between and I did so well I thought I must be living right. I got the stuff I needed without the right before Christmas last minute anxiety. It’s like I see through that a lot more now . I still do it, I go through the re enactment, which I think almost everything is now. It’s not as painful though. Because i think this is a trauma episode I’m going on but I’m just gonna walk through it and not by into the upset. It’s weird. It’s better though.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Im awake it’s 4 in the morning. I’ve been up an hour. I’ll be up now. I could fall asleep again in an hour maybe. I took my medicine. To make the time go because I’m going to be lying here awake.

I’m in love it’s nice. She is. I wouldn’t be if she weren’t. I bought her a few pair of earrings yesterday she asked me for them. Just junk jewelry but it’s so beautiful. I bought her a winter coat matching mine but a size smaller. Twinzies, she laughed derisively when she heard me say that. I don’t wanna be twins but it was the only color they had. I wanted her to have it because I love mine. When I like something she always wants some, why not?

I don’t feel sex like I was . That’s because I haven’t givin it any time off. 3 days I start getting edgy. Dealing with the animal. Cuddling works. I just wanna be in bed with her . She was in here yesterday in the morning it she was grouchy. She was grouch while we were delivering meals I yelled at her a lot bit that means chided her gently. Laughingly. I was saying knock it off though. That’s how she is when she’s not feeling well. Everything out of her mouth is mean. But she’s cute.
She was just the one. Nothing you can do about it. I’m going to wrap her jewelry in a box in a box and disguise it a little and write her a poem. We need some holiday flowers . We need a neighbor gift. A floral centerpiece. We like them. They sent something over, cookies. We can’t give them food he’s diabetic.

Politics is all the rage. People are upset. I’m trying to meditate it away. It’s working somewhat. I’m only somewhat upset. I think I know what’s gonna happen. Could be wrong . It’s like being fatalistic which phuck it why not? Why worry? It’s Christmas, I’m happy.

I feel like charity work is a good idea. I just can’t get to know anyone. Like you could become that. Always running around giving your time for free . It’s something if you can’t do anything else .
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
My wife was so nice to me this morning I’m back in bed and she’s working. We are all in love and it’s Christmas. Pretty hard to beat that.

We were talking about the trauma shell. Life is a big long re enactment. I almost feel like starting a thread but even I get scared talking about it and I can see it.

It’s another way of saying I have “battered women’s syndrome”. Everything repeats over and over. It’s a little different now, I’m different, or at least my family says so, they should know. I feel different. It’s in the way I react to things, or don’t react. I don’t trauma react. Not as much.

My wife has it too. That’s what we are together. It’s harder to explain in her case but even she can see it now. All the people around her, everyone she’s close to or involved with is a “type”. I am part of that in fact, I’m probably the most extreme example.

We have always tried to get out of it. When you realize you’re “in it” that is. Usually you can’t see it. But I remember with us we would come to the surface occasionally, that’s how I referred to it. It’s like all of a sudden you’re looking at each other and you are like none of this is real. It’s like waking up.

Its all triggers and re enactments. They dont look like re enactments though, like why are we fighting, why am I upset, what are we mad about?
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We are good today was nice. I cleaned, have to have the place all clean for Christmas. My kid was teasing me a little about how I clean the house but honestly, I’ve done it for thirty years. My wife disputes that, but it’s true. I don’t know why I have to have the house clean. I don’t want to do it, and I don’t want my wife to feel like she has or do it. I never made her do anything like that. I did needle her about it though, and I regret that. I try not to mention what people are doing or not doing anymore, as long as they agree to extend me the same courtesy. We both tried to make each other do a lot of things. Things we expected. It takes a long time to get over that.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I went out early for groceries. I’m glad i got that done because people are crazy now till after Christmas. I got my wife a few more junky things just so she has a few presents. Only my stepson rememberers her always. The rest of them do nothing but I I gave up complaining about all of them. They’ll have to live with it not me. I have my own sins to live with.

I wanted candles for the windows because it makes me reminiscent. The plastic ones that plug in with the larger old fashioned (hot) bulbs. I never remember till they are all gone, then I go in stores looking for them, maybe next year. I’m like that more and more these days. I just can’t push anymore. It’s bitter sweet. I think everyone gets here as they get older. Sometimes I think I’ve made progress and sometimes I feel I’m just getting older.
 
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