About me being a girl

[Mach123]

I want mummah to come in here so I can kiss her ass. Submissive much? I kiss her feet, it drives me crazy. That song was on the radio when I met her by the “fine young cannibals”, and she did. She drove me crazy . All she did was resist me and say no, no, no, but her body was saying something else. I want a merry Christmas present lol. She still drives me crazy. She completes me. It takes up all my time.

I wrapped her presents yesterday and cooked meaning I made the cabbage soup which is still the staple of our diet. I’m eating a lot of junk right now because it’s Christmas and we are celebrating. Gonna get serious after new year LOL!

PAHTY HAHD as we say in Boston! Tomorrow we DIET!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

 

[ms spock]

Seasons Greetings & Happy Summer Solstice @Mach123! ​

 

[Mach123]

They just took away the neighbors kid in an ambulance, Christmas morning my God. She had some kind of seizure and passed out. I’m willing to bet she got a flu shot or some other kind of vaccination. The mom is all upset, everyone. I’m upset for them.

We prayed for them you know, that’s all you can do pray God will comfort them. I suppose they won’t let the family into the hospital.

What a horrible thing to have happen!

We prayed we could support them you know like, be there for them. I feel terrible.

: ( I know God is in control and that’s comforting. For me. It’s not me I’m concerned with though. : (

 

[Mach123]

It’s Christmas morning, Merry Christmas. I’m so different, even just saying that. Saying I’m different and I can I was such an unhappy grinch always but, that was my PTSD. I don’t care what people are doing or not anymore. People used to say “Don’t let it bother you”.

I couldn’t do it.

Now things are bothering me less because as I leave other people alone I leave me alone too. I was always thinking about what other people expected me to do which led to me thinking about what they should do. I thought being a pacifist meant you didn’t care.

But you didn’t want me caring about you, believe me. I didn’t want me caring about me either. It was awful. Self care meant self torture or abuse.

That’s all pretty horrible stuff to say, but I lived that.

I care, believe me. It doesn’t mean the same thing though. I couldn’t ever look beyond the pain I was always feeling, which was the pain from the trauma, and it was real. I was trying to hide it always. I was SO desperately trying to hide always, because of shame.

Feeling aloof is sort of terrifying. But you need a certain aloofness to avoid morbidity.

What all this means is I can do a little self care now, which means me and the people around me. When I can let me be ok, I can let them be ok. That was one of the really old self help books, “I’m ok, you’re ok”. I can feel a little better now because I can do this, just a little.

 

[Mach123]

Food hangover BLAH. I can’t imagine how sick I’d be if I were drinking or how awful that was. It makes you numb though, think of all the people who live like that. All day you have to wait to get “feeling better” again. I feel nauseous just thinking about it. It’s acceptance as acceptable boggles the mind. Plus it made me a wreck emotionally. The whole thing is so ugly. But I digress.

We are quiet and comfortable here. I can’t think about what needs to be done it’s so overwhelming. We will sod another holiday day today. Maybe go for a walk later . That’ll have to do. : )

 

[Survivor3]

Food hangover BLAH. I can’t imagine how sick I’d be if I were drinking or how awful that was. It makes you numb though, think of all the people who live like that. All day you have to wait to get “feeling better” again. I feel nauseous just thinking about it. It’s acceptance as acceptable boggles the mind. Plus it made me a wreck emotionally. The whole thing is so ugly. But I digress.

We are quiet and comfortable here. I can’t think about what needs to be done it’s so overwhelming. We will sod another holiday day today. Maybe go for a walk later . That’ll have to do. : )

I used to drink aswell. The thought of it makes me feel awful.

 

[Mach123]

We got a couple teddy bears for Christmas and I’m clutching one. I got a big long heavy bathrobe I’m snuggled in. I’m in bed so I’ll leave my wife alone. I have a miserable food hangover, we both do, and if I keep talking to her, I’ll pick a fight with her. It’s best to keep quiet. It’s like misery loves misery. I’m all shot. Everything is done. That means I feel like I have to find something to do. I do, I just don’t know what.

This all leads into a discussion on being submissive which is important because it’s largely the problem I have with me or life I suppose.

That’s a discussion for another day.

 

[Mach123]

Ugh. Lying down. It’s fine, feeling like crap is a perfect excuse to do nothing!

I stayed home with one daughter and the others 3 went out. We went to the doughnut store where they phucked up the order. You can’t get a hamburger or coffee around here at a drive thru without stopping to see what’s in the bag, could be anything.

I ran around the house with the vacuum which makes me feel better.

 

[Mach123]

I’m so grouchy lol.

 

[Mach123]

We went for a walk I feel much better. I want to put a snorkel on my puffer coat. They have add on ones I just have to pick one out. It was sunny but cold. Wind chill in the low 20s. There were a lot of people and dogs around. We did get approached by a dog but she was friendly. It was seemingly no ones fault because I don’t think anyone was walking her, she was just out by herself. I can take a joke. She made me uneasy but I thought she was good and I didn’t bother pulling out my baton and waving it at her. She gave my daughter a sniff, who was sitting down and is afraid of dogs and I yelled a little at that but, she didn’t mind as she wasn’t up to anything nefarious lol. She didn’t bare us any I’ll will.

 

[Mach123]

I wrote this for the gratitude thread but it can stay here.

They used to do these in program and they were my favorite meetings, gratitude meetings. I’m warm and dry. I’m surrounded by people who love me. We all try at least lol. Christmas was good. I’m not so worried about being diagnosed with cancer. Prostate cancer, but I think it’s a racket. I cleaned up a lot after that. I haven’t had to do anything else about it, except have that one horrible biopsy so far. So I’m grateful for a lot of things and if I’m not, I try and talk myself into it. Grateful is a good way to be.

 

[Mach123]

It’s about 3am and I’m up writing this. Sunday 27 December. I want this to go to the therapist but she’s on vacation and needs to be left alone and I don’t wanna tweak that boundary but I don’t want to lose the thread of this.

I understand all this. I always have, but I have to keep going back over it. The whole answer to all this for me is the title of my diary which is exactly right. This is about me being a girl.

I’m sure I could find a transsexual therapist who would understand why I don’t want to transition, but the problem is, everything about the way I am says that’s exactly what I want to do.

That’s the dichotomy, that’s why I keep asking the same question, why is everything split or “binary” as the therapist calls it, in my mind or my life.

It’s because I can’t be what I am, and I can’t be what I’m not. Simple.

Trying to reason this out without this knowledge just made me suicidal of course, what else COULD it do?

And I can’t pretend, because of the fawning response, that cements it. It’s ok to be like that I’d your a girl. Because with the men it’s what are you, fight or phuck?

The problem that arises with that is the therapist, being a good liberal and I say that only by way of explanation, I’m not “calling” her anything, says it’s ok for you to be a man and feel like that. She’s wrong. Because it means you‘re not a man anymore when you do that. Suicide then is an honor killing.

Then I tell her she doesn’t know anything about men and she gets mad at me. Men have been her life’s work and she thinks she knows what she’s doing and I think she probably does too, I’ve been with her long enough.

What it means is you can say anything you want about what I just said but that doesn’t change it. You can’t change what is or to quote Ebenezer Scrooge “an ant is what it is and a grasshopper is what it is and Christmas sir is a humbug”.

The therapist is saying you can want to be a girl and feel like doing the things girls do and that doesn’t mean you’re not a man anymore. That’s right on a certain level, for other girls (that’s funny I said it like that) I can be man enough. That’s funny too, and she will try and steer me away from it anyway, she wanders because she doesn’t agree with the things I say. She doesn’t accept the way I say I feel. Even though she says she does. She thinks I need to feel some other way that I don’t understand? Being the man that I am she says. I don’t like that. That’s not what I want to say though, but I have to talk about her. I don’t talk about this with anyone else. It’s about me though.

So here I am.