About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We are all beat up from holiday celebrations, just food hangovers thankfully, nothing a 2 day cabbage soup fast won’t fix. Cabbage soup and water. There are still leftovers though so I’ll have to watch out for temptation. Temptation to feel bad that is, shouldn’t be hard to resist right? LOL. To quote the big bad guy in mortal kombat, “don’t make me laugh”!
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Grouchy, don’t mind me. My wife is gonna go off to work leaving me here in her mess lol. I might go down and take the bathroom ceiling down in the basement. I’ll have to run out to the store thank goodness my son is here to babysit so I can ditch everyone and go by myself. It lets me get away from them all.

I’d like my wife to make love with me but she’s been feeding us junk food for two weeks so we are all sick and miserable. That’s only partly true. I have been a willing participant. I was gonna keep going till New Years but I have to clean up I’m miserable. Making love would fix me up but that’s why she won’t. Besides she wants me to get a job which is fair. I’m going to look at house cleaning I guess. Since I’m a bitch anyway. Ah well.

I really want to talk about religion but it’s so complicated. It’s not really, suffice it to say reformers are the worst. You go to Church and they all say “we are different that everyone else we love one another”, except they’re all the most miserable people imaginable, me included.

I worked out all the theology but it really sucks. God enables us to be good but He don’t. We have to fail but, have we been trying hard enough.

My old pastor was right in one very important regard because he always said “your flesh can’t do it” which is the only thing that makes any sense because it don’t.

The pastor we have now on the Internet because we stopped going to church is right and wrong. He has it all reasoned out. “You haven’t resisted sin up to the shedding of your blood” I can’t be bothered to quote it exactly, but he’s right, I haven’t I give in and I won’t even feel guilty anymore except a little. That thing he said yesterday about taking the Holy Spirit with you was pretty awful and discouraging.

The problem with that is bad feelings just make me worse lol. Shaming and guilting myself into being good doesn’t help me. Neither does the spirit most of the time sadly.

He spends a lot of time, probably because he’s In California, preaching against the charismatic church, our poor relations, which I only recently found out was born at least partly out of a desire to diversify the Protestant church. That’s a whole study in itself but right now I’m just tired of everything lol. Just leave me alone is how I’m feeling unless you wanna cuddle. I could use some of that.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Taking a break before walking. I ran around all day with one of my daughters so she would be up and getting some exercise. We had to keep them home 2 weeks because we went out of state and there was no way to conceal it, which I would have because the state line restrictions are stupid and fake like all the other covid restrictions. In my state the largest spike in deaths was caused by the government forcing nursing homes to take covid positive patients which is murder IMO, and I hope the family’s of the murder victims sue and gain an astronomical award.

And if I had my way, it wouldn’t stop there, but I digress.

We are considering pulling the girls from their programs but don’t know if that’s feasible. It’s very difficult on us and it’s only going to get harder. That’s not the real point though? I think the people who really benefit the most run the programs and work there. I’m not saying it’s an easy job it’s just that the people who actually need the help meaning the handicapped persons and their parents aren’t served as well as they could be. Mind you one of my daughters is really difficult but I’ve always found that people are afraid if her or, they really love her. I’ve seen it over and over. They identify with her or something I can’t explain it. But it’s like the people who do that, work with the handicapped, some of them just have to. It starts in high school usually they have programs do the typical kids can volunteer and get community service hours and stuff like that.

Some of them just have to do it. I always thought it was a God thing, even if they don’t know it.

Anyway there are other outfits that have jobs and so on. Vocational programs. My daughter who isn’t difficult actually is, she’s just subtle about it. She knows how to get people to go away and leave her alone. It’s almost like a hypnotic. She puts the whammy on people and makes them go away. To her own detriment oftentimes.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I was going to start a thread but I found one that was on the same subject, re enactment. Of course sex is all a re enactment. But it’s real and in the present too. Therapy is about loving sex and abuse. IDK what that means exactly. I do but talking about it is difficult because people do t stay aloof about certain things. That means it’s better not to mention it. The problem is I get that in therapy too. She the therapist thinks everything about men and western culture means abuse of women mostly but she has all the rest of them in her train. All the abused persons.
I don’t care what she or anyone thinks, but I’m forced, to at some juncture, particularly where my well being is involved.

She’s pretty good though, and I just don’t think I have another therapist in me?

So I’m not going to say anything as usual lololol.

I do wanna say something about pills and weed as medicine and booze and the arthritic pain I’m in which is substantial. I’ll see if I can remember. Note to self. : )

And diet! Cleaning up after the holidays!
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’ve got to talk about dominance and submission. My therapist can’t handle it. Nobody can in the only one who dares mention it. Everyone starts yelling.

First off the women object, particularly if its coming out of a mans mouth ie, I’m not going to listen to him say I’m submissive because I give him a bj and cook and clean and do laundry. So much for anything Lomé a reasonable discussion with her.

The men, if they hear this kind of talk, ask you if you wanna have sex or disregard you as silly or hopelessly flawed. As far as being a man that is.

Now let’s talk.

I think I’ll send this to the therapist along with that last little thing I wrote. I just have to edit out the part about her being a liberal or she’ll start yelling. That’s because the left can’t call a thing what it is. Because saying a thing is what it is? That’s dangerous. So change the words.

So when I say to the therapist, or my wife interestingly enough, that dominance and submission are the issues we are trying to deal with in large part, they start yelling. That’s because they can’t hear that the woman is submissive.

But I saw myself do it yesterday and it’s bad for me because I can’t make anybody do anything by being dominant and I’m a man. You can call it something else if you want.

Picture the poor little wimp who can’t go in and ask his boss for a raise, and his wife won’t be happy unless he does. Lol. So I, understanding what I am, refuse to do anything like that, if I’m gonna get screwed like that, I’ll do it at home thanks. At least I’ll was the floors and do some cooking.

That brings up another issue though and I’m going to tell them all to go phuck themselves around here too because I’m sick of listening to them.

All the free work I do for everyone around here gets me abused so I’m gonna hide awhile and stop doing it all. This is something I’ve always pictured in my mind but never done. My daughter is a terrible example of this and I can only explain it as a nightmare. Nobody would believe it if I tried to explain it without being familiar with trauma except to say she’s a horrible bully. I’ve never been able to do anything with bullies except leave.

I don’t mind leaving. Everyone abuses me because I ask them to. You could turn the whole thing around and say people are nice actually, they are doing what’s asked of them.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We are all getting along actually with some boundary stuff. I get so horny. I’m awake it’s the middle of the night and I just had to wait out an erection for 40 minutes or so. Cabbage soup.

I was yelling in that last post but all that stuff is my own fault and I was mad because I take the submissive position. This makes me avoid people like crazy because I want to do this even though I’m yelling and saying I don’t. This is exactly my wife’s behaviour which is funny. This is how girls behave. Don’t don’t don’t stop.

That’s what I was saying in my last post. I do like a girl does. I’m pushing you like I want to be dominant but I actually want you to phuck me. It’s not a male female thing . It’s sexual. But it’s not gender specific. Girls are saying always it’s not all about your penis and stuff like that then They phuck and say it’s not all about sex.

If it ain’t I’d like to know what is.

This is just to show what I struggled with This is why everything is like this and nothing changes. I’m much better now because I can see it but I have to avoid people. I can’t control it. I know I act like a girl and people see it sometimes . It’s so embarrassing. Drinking works but it’s hard in the body so I can’t do it anymore. I like anesthetics. It gets rid of feeling like sex All the time. I feel like sex right after sex. My wife can give me multiple orgasms but she won’t work at it she’s lazy. I’m always going for her to have that second orgasm. I only get it once in a blue moon.

I wanna give her a kiss when she wakes up. She finally admitted she was having a good time about two orgasms ago. She says “how come that’s so good”. That’s her in an unguarded moment. The rest of the time she hisses at me that she hates it.
Idk why she’s got to be so difficult, I know she can’t help it. I also know it makes it better when I have to pursue her like crazy. She likes that. Getting chased around. She complains about it but it’s been going on for thirty years. Something about it works.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’ve been back on my diet 3 days . Cabbage soup, corn chips, hamburger. I have to eat some salad today. Green things. I’m just going to do for myself for a little when I do things for other people here in my family they all resist . I can’t do it anymore I’m just going to hide awhile. Anything I say to anyone I have to force them or argue. Phucking make your own food or stay in bed all day and don’t get up phuck you. I just can’t stand everyone yelling at me anymore so I’ll be quiet and they can come beg me if they want something. Why should I volunteer for abuse? I take care of them all behind the scenes. I grocery shop and clean. I take them walking and fix everything line the phones tv and computers. If anything breaks or leaks they all come looking for me. Then they say I’m not doing enough. I’m sick of the husband dad thing it’s a racket. I’m sure they’d all be better off without me to kick around.

It’s being the volunteer that is how you stop it. Don’t do things and complain. Stop doing them and let them ask you what’s wrong. Why aren’t you getting the groceries?

I need to have sex though that stops me from complaining lol. I become a happy voulenteer submissive for a few days. My wife really works me into this sh*t. She expects or demands it, but she won’t admit she’s doing that. Anyway I have a bunch of stuff to do I’m trying to insulate the exterior wall in the downstairs bathroom. I think the gas company will do the whole downstairs free as part of a program they have but covid stopped everything. There is a shower and laundry in one room and sink and toilet in the
other. It’s nice in the summer but really cold this time of year. I thought I’d have to build walls but they make a foam insulation you can just glue it up and Sheetrock over it. I have a hard time doing stuff like this. I have to be really patient and I get very frustrated and angry if things don’t go well. It’s important for me to be very gentle with myself when I try and do stuff like thi. Stuff like the men are supposed to be able to do. I’m much better in The kitchen or with the vacuum lol. I have to buy some flowers today If I can get to it, I didnt manage to get any before Christmas.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
My wife failed to appear in my bed this morning. You know what that means LOL. Someone’s in big trouble!

It’s nice to see it’s a thing though? I can feel like that or see that and it doesn’t have to escalate to a thing thing. A trauma thing. An episode.

I’m going to get what I want. I might have to wait a little.

There’s more. Like she could still come in. Mostly that stuff is in my mind. But a lot of it is real. I’m bad she’s bad, I’m good she’s good. I have a tremendous need. It’s a real problem but it’s a really great thing to feel so passionate about my wife of all these years.

I might just stay in bed all day. She would say she always grateful to be left alone. I know the feeling. Neither of us really wants to take care of anyone else all that much and we are tasked with it. We have people we have to take care of and we have to take care of each other. I don’t feel like going through this today without getting laid lol. I remember being like that when I was first married. It’s the only thing that gives me the patience to withstand them all.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
PAIN KILLERS

Ok so I use pot and it’s been a miracle for me because everything else stopped over a couple years. I could include barbiturates and a host of other drugs and I definitely include alcohol. I just posted a thread and I feel like this is a other one but threads on here are tough and I don’t really know what to do with them. I like the threads that ya e a life of their own and outlived the people who started them but I dont like the subject matter in most of them.

Did I mention food?

A thread line this wouldn’t go anywhere because people are protective of their “lovers”, and tend not to tell the truth.

Anyway it took me a long time to come out and say I was on pot, my current lover or one of them. But painkillers I LOVE love, even partly because they suppress my other LOVE love Which IS love or sex or both. : )

Im in my room with the door shut because if I open my mouth it’ll be complaints and that’ll be met with resistance. That’s because if sex because, as my wife would put it, I think I should get laid.

You’re damned right I think I should get laid. It’s a lot of trouble putting up with four people two of whom are extremely handicapped in a really small space and the whole house on my hands because nobody else can lift a finger about anything. The money going into upkeep on this dump outstrips the equity as far as I can see and I don’t feel like working for nothing. I’d rather live in an apartment.

I say that but IDK how true it is? All I know is I got a bill for $300 from another phucking plumber my wife left out for me and that’s bullshit. So I should go to work now and pay for the privilege. Nobody wanted to rent to us though.

This isn’t what I wanted to talk about.

I don’t have the urge about the pills thank GOD. I don’t drink either and I can control my diet with some effort.

I get pills a couple times a year. My last physical I got 7 5 mg oxys which gave me a very pleasant 2 weeks but I mentioned it here and I was very protective about it. I’ve just been rubbing the arthritis pain creme on my wrist and took a Celebre

If I could get them I’d just keep taking them. Then it’s like trying to cut back always and take days off and blah blah.

That sucks. I don’t get that with pot. I fill up my vape every 48 hours just about like clockwork and I’m good. I don’t use more and I don’t worry about running out especially now there are pot stores opening all over. But what I mean is if I can’t get to my vape which I can’t sometimes there are so many people around it doesn’t really matter I don’t get all squirrelly.

My local guy who is so nice and makes sure I have soMe, and gives me a lot for what I pay, is on about a once a month or six week schedule he calls me. But I’ve still got half of it left. I pay him anyway just for Taking care of me.

I’m thinking about pills right now because everything is too much this morning lol. I’m ok? I’d like to numb the sex thing? But I’m doing really good at “deciding” to feel good. I was awake all night but it was kinda nice actually. Meditation has been working whatever that means.

I’m in a lot of pain though physically, and I wanna get laid. I didn’t masturbate after last time. And the moon is just gone by.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Today ended up nice though when we went out together we had the usual disagreements. My wife went out of her way to be patient. I wanted to wait to go in the whole foods to experience the new abnormal but it disappoints me. I lose faith in my fellow human beings. There is no way we should be holding still for this bs. Now they’ve seen us do it. That’s bad. My wife’s not so patient and she knows stupid when she sees it. These sheep are being trifled with but are too stupid to know it. It’s sad.

But I wanted some flowers and I’m enough of a social liberal that I like Whole Foods and I’m as green as I can be and I want a greener safer world and I like liberal girls so? I also have amazon prime but I don’t take advantage with Whole Foods because I don’t see the advantage. I do go there for flowers though.

So we got some flowers and went in a couple stores and I co operated even though I wanted sex and didn’t get it because that’s what I do mostly. Not always. Thinking my wife should be more co operative gets the better of me but, I’m no prize to deal with either.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Mountain top experience in bed this morning. I’m still up there really. Naturally she walks in here as soon as I start writing. It’s the story of our lives more or less. This is good but that sucks. I think it’s because we are both Libras. We are torn or conflicted always about everything. I was talking about sex after and she started yelling at me for being lascivious.

I can’t type anymore I’ll throw the phone lol.

She doesn’t yell, she disapproves. I don’t let her get always with it anymore. Then she makes me feel bad about being a man which means provider but I’m not that lol. I never looked at BDSM but the one thing I saw when I glanced at it was submissive people usually aren’t any good at making money.

boy, that’s for sure.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Ok I’m gonna bitch a little now about being a bitch. I just gave my wife a bj so she roughed me up a little after figuratively. Hard to understand after that but, that’s her.

But people expecting me to be a man posed me off which is tough luck since I am one. I told her I didn’t wanna get married and I meant it then and I mean it now, 31 or two years later .

It’s funny but it’s not because we did a lot of damage especially to one another but our kids? And I mean who knows? Who knows how much you have to do with that? There is some Imprinting probably, IDK what else or how much.

But I’m bitching about my wife because when she wants to needle me she does it about my failures as a man because I’m such an easy target. I used to say that about her years ago that I was the fall guy because I was such an easy target. I was the one who couldn’t function, I was the failure, I was the one who had to run to therapy, not her.

That’s because she has a tolerance for pain that’d make a soldier jealous or some such other analogy. I’ve written this all out though about the grandparents on her
side, proud accomplished people and you can let the scum tell you “that don't matter”, but the phuck it does. Getting through a military academy or even getting accepted means you have ability others don’t.

One of my kids at least is quite a lot smarter than I, a tough pill? Maybe. I’m happy for him though.

Back to this not being a man stuff. I nearly committed suicide. But there’s a place for me in this world. Probably not competing with the other men which again is fine e but it makes it hard to make a living, but I don’t have to die.

I really felt like that but with therapy, I talked myself out of it. What I’m bitching about is my wife trying to con me back into it.

ok I gotta pause here and have a laugh! That was funny. I’m not implying she’s intentionally trying to kill me LOLOLOL.
She just comes by it naturally, all of y’all who believe in evolution? Here’s a perfect example of survival of the fittest.

I gotta show the therapist this one she’ll laugh her ass off.

So you see I’m very liberal actually socially I mean since I think it’s ok that I should live. : )
 
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