About me being a girl

[Mach123]

Life and love and drugs and sex and food and masturbation and other addictions. Frustration and anger. Am I addicted to getting angry?

The spell check drives me insane. I want to chuck the phone or hit something. Sometimes I have to go outside to google to spell a thing and there are a few I can’t learn I do them over and over and some it can’t spell correctly or guess correctly.

Sex is wicked and I had fallen back into masturbation between which has a negative effect on it. The flip side is I’m insanely horny always.

The spell check thing is a good example of how I can’t do things. I only get kinda good at it. Not very. I don’t learn all that well. Things I should be good at because of constant doing of them I’m really not. Only kinda like trying to type on the phone.

Im gambling now which I’ve never done. I learned to “invest” with an app. I’m just penny trading. But it’s addictive! My grandfather gambled and I did things with tickets over the years but I’m conservative, not a gambler. I’m too much of a ?

I want to use a bad word about being submissive, even though I think it’s sexy right now. How can sexy be bad?

 

[Mach123]

I just posted in a thread about sexuality and men. As soon as I saw it yesterday I was obsessed. It’s because I don’t go around men. I can’t talk about it in that thread or even here because it’s upsetting me so much. Why get upset ?

It brings up the whole thing about men and my therapist whose specialty is men, who experience CSA but she doesn’t get it.

Simply put. Occam’s razor. Once you do that you’re not a man anymore. You’re something else. I’m man enough with the women. I can’t fight back though I’m submissive. It’s like trying to run in the water or in a dream when you can’t walk even though you’re trying.

I could never unrepress all this if it is repressed. I know it was. But I would have to have put a dress on. When you do that everyone can see what’s going on? No beating around the bush lol. But I didn’t and it was all a long long time ago now.

I like girls. I found a safe haven with women. It’s not ideal. Sex is still really hot and it’s still all I care about. Life’s hard but not impossible. People want you to be what they want. Not what you are.

I know the therapist thinks this is all repression on my part but I can’t agree. I dont want to argue anymore about it though. Am I that way? I’m not anybody’s way altogether because nobody is altogether my way. I’m happy making love with my wife.

 

[Mach123]

I feel ok. Today is messed up IDK what that means. It’s like trying to deal with this stuff on another level. We are all getting so old, lolol. Somebody hit me in the face with my issues. It’s funny because my daughter called us yesterday and she was talking all OA program stuff like she saw it.

“I’m powerless over food and my life has become unmanageable”.

It’s a real thing.

My wife is real serious about God she always was. We have to go now and do church this morning.

“There is one who has all power that one is God may you find him now”.

Everyone has the God part down around here. But you never get it down actually, because the harder you look at it the more there is to it.

Anyway.

 

[Mach123]

I didn’t know what messed up was till my wife got up in the middle of church and walked out. She did it for a kindness though towards a friend. I expect them to walk in here shortly. In honor of company I took a new razor blade and shaved off a chunk of my face lol. What, me upset?

It’s ok kinda and kinda not but, my wife has always exacted a high price for her love, and I pay it. Gladly? Sometimes more than others.

love is gentle love is kind, love keeps no record of wrongs

 

[Mach123]

We had a little squabbling in the supermarket. Nobody was getting their needs met, everything changed at the last minute. No routine. Always the rabbit pops out of the hat and nobody knows when. It’s so difficult to live like that especially when the person causing the chaos is blaming you.

But phuck it. You can’t do anything with people you have to leave them alone. I did get nettled, but I forget it as soon as I can. Do I have a right to get angry? I could make a good case. But no. You never have a right to be angry, but that’s not to say you won’t get angry, right or not.

 

[Mach123]

We had another mountain top moment this morning, not about sex but about understanding each other which means it IS sex, because we are quite sexual. We are sexual in a new way too. We are not what I’d call a quick study. We have to work through things. Takes a long time.
I’m submissive with her. I like being partners with her. She had a hard time doing that. It was a setup from day one. Like flee saw each other coming.

Love is like that, it’s been brutally hard.

 

[Mach123]

I had an extremely busy Monday, no worries about having to shake the post holiday blues. We just got the Christmas tree out, I’ll get the outside lights tomorrow. I started on the downstairs bathroom, I’m going to insulate the outside wall. I had to do some prep work. I have more. Just a little a day. Go real slow, keep cleaning up. Spend more time than you need, don’t rush go slow. That’s me being kind to me. Today it worked. Takes practice. I went grocery shopping and made something for dinner.

We had a visit with someone yesterday it’s too much to try and explain it all. It had an effect on both of us. We are still pondering why, probably no reason. It was just so out of the blue. It showed me though, being sober and going to church and being a people person and saying all the right stuff about Jesus and recovery

That’s all well and good if that’s been your thing , but that’s not to say your repressed trauma won’t come out anyway.

The pattern continues. It’s hard to realize that, especially when you’re sober and you feel like psychology won’t work, or you don’t want to believe in “therapy”.

 

[Mach123]

I have phone therapy today I want to say stupid phone therapy because it is, but phuck it.

I want my lover but she might not show up this morning. I haven’t seen her yet and that means since it’s getting late I’m not going to get to go all the way, this morning. I do have to get up and throw the Xmas tree over the front fence. Today’s our day, has to be out by 7am. I haven’t been able to pick up the guitar in 2 days, have to get a few things done or at least started. Best I can hope for this morning is a quickie and that’s reaching . My wife ran in from work yesterday and I was shaving. She loves to tease me and be sexual when she’s sure nothing can happen. That’s always been one of her things. I don’t like it, but she has to have fun too. Being like that with her is like being naughty is with me.

Ok, we meet somewhere in the middle and make some kinda love.

 

[Mach123]

I became irascible when I got up so I have to practice avoidance and care or caution. I wanna beat somebody up is what coach used to say at jiu-jitsu. Snarky is another word. Like if you drop something you want to smash it. That is one of my moods . It’s ugly, I never liked it.

 

[Mach123]

The schedule is chaotic, covid isn’t helping. We got through the morning routine ok. I get so mad at my wife because dumb animal me thinks I should have her where she’s supposed to be always lol. Her behaviour is difficult but so is mine and we both know it. She does a similar thing with me in reverse. It’s a real complex dance and who is leading when and who is supposed to be and who is getting their foot stepped on. Lovers dance.

 

[Mach123]

We all lost out jobs this morning because of covid. It’s so abominably stupid. But all I can do is react positively. My 2 daughters attend handicapped day programs and we were just geitting back to some kind of partial normalcy when this morning both programs shut down due to positive tests.

So the girls are home, which ends everything I thought I’d get done today, and my wife’s job told her not to come in this morning, after she told them. What a phuck up.

On a positive note we made passionate love this morning, therapy was great yesterday and I feel I’m making progress. Gotta take the bitter with the sweet.

If life deals ya lemons, make lemonade.

 

[Mach123]

I need someone in my bed with me. She’s in the next room lol. I fell so hard for her again but now it’s positional and I’m getting off like I was 16 again which would make me underage. It’s all about sex, everything is. Sex and dominance. Sex is dominance or submission. Even in mutualism. Everything is. So I’m really happy in bed and it’d be easy to say just about everything else sucks but, that’s kinda up to me. So I don’t say it.

I waited for her 30 years. I didn’t know what I was waiting for. She’s in love with me now. That’s what it was. I didn’t think I’d ever get it. I used to say to her that I knew I could reach her, that there was part of her hidden away I couldn’t get it.

I think I have it now. It took a long time working on her. Love’s my job.

I put the insulation up in the downstairs bathroom. It’s warm to the touch. The floor is cold I was hoping that wasn’t going to be the case. The window is cold too of course. My wife won’t let me put a fan in there but I’m gonna look for some kind of temp solution. A toilet needs a fan sorry. There is a window right next to it. I don’t feel like wiring it even though I pretty much know how. I’m gonna have to though I can’t deal with these contractors it’s stupid what they expect to get paid. I don’t wanna be in this situation believe me I’m facing it daily.

that’s just another mental struggle though. And a dominance struggle because my wife will just keep saying “you can do it” think I have the place looking like it’s falling apart.

Now that the insulation is on the wall I have to do a temporary job on the floor and the windows need trim and the sheet rock which means strapping in the walls nailed into the concrete. I really don’t have the tools for this either and could use about $1000 worth of saws and that’s just to do a “pretty good” job.

That’s all complaining though. : )

Meanwhile, she’s not showing up in here LOL. You just KNOW I want some of that.