About me being a girl

[ruborcoraxxx]

It’s all about sex, everything is. Sex and dominance. Sex is dominance or submission. Even in mutualism. Everything is.

While I understand how we reach these conclusions, I think that feeling in power and in control is far superior than sex—sex is one of its easiest tools, so it can result in dominance or submission. Huge and hierarchical words. Weird to see too that in group settings, more people expect someone to take the lead. Now I’m more thinking that it’s a matter of energy/agency available for everyone rather than strict hierarchical interactions. Interactions always have power as their implicit, that is true though. Different agents with more or less congruent objectives.

 

[Mach123]

While I understand how we reach these conclusions, I think that feeling in power and in control is far superior than sex—sex is one of its easiest tools, so it can result in dominance or submission. Huge and hierarchical words. Weird to see too that in group settings, more people expect someone to take the lead. Now I’m more thinking that it’s a matter of energy/agency available for everyone rather than strict hierarchical interactions. Interactions always have power as their implicit, that is true though. Different agents with more or less congruent objectives.

Yes I agree with this about a thousand percent. It’s really NOT sex, it’s more like sex an expression of it.

You know I’m always trying to explain this without talking about it really. Dominance and submission ARE loaded words. I know because when this all started occurring to me a few years back and I’d say it in front of my wife or the therapist, both women, they would literally start yelling at me (dominantly) to “use other words”.

But that’s it exactly, you see it in groups, which is why I don’t participate anymore. I have battered women’s syndrome which means I look for abuse and I find it because I’m actually creating it. It’s even more than this though actually it’s wanting to be submissive about sex.

There was another thread I started about being robotic. This is what I had in mind when I said it. Being submissive and being a man really kinda sucks.

But I saw in my behavior this morning wanting to be abused or on a smaller scale wanting things to not work out.

This is a real mind phuck for me.

 

[ruborcoraxxx]

Being submissive and being a man really kinda sucks.

How come? I’ve always associated being submissive as being in the receiving end and accept to lose control for pleasure. To me it looks like something pleasant when in the good conditions. As someone active (dominant if you want) there is always the mental iterations of control of how you are and anticipating the reactions of your partner. Good dominant people must be very careful and have a lot of tact; in a certain sense it is also a submissive role. How everything is dynamic.

 

[Mach123]

That’s hard to explain? Bring as what I’m describing is the result of CSA. In sex/love you’re right, it’s fine now. But all my life it wasn’t so great because I didn’t know what was going on. : (. It’s been a very long recovery journey. The difficulty is more life in general, my freeze response, attraction to abusive situations, and the angst of acting without my own volition, since it was all acting out of repressed memory and so on. It still is, but with awareness it’s less (I think). Thank you for asking. It’s difficult stuff for me even to write? But it’s all processing, more and more processing.

 

[ruborcoraxxx]

It’s difficult stuff for me even to write?

It is difficult stuff to process in general even without abuse in the background. It’s dynamic, a same situation can be absolutely abusive in a certain context and totally okay in another. Therefore it’s really difficult to place the limits and the way of doing it when we’re drifting away is to play with the trust. Not impossible to get out of the confusion but each thread is painful to pull and to comb and transform into something intelligible again.

 

[Mach123]

I feel good I did what I like in bed this morning. The whole submission thing is becoming more clear. I like it when my wife is mean with me a little. It’s a sort of naughty behavior that’s well within the safe zone. This means there isn’t any real abuse at all it’s love really. I know people go south from where I’m at and do bdsm and black eyes and that stuff but it’s sad and sick IMHO. Putting on nighties and playing pretend and all that other stuff people do to keep sex interesting. My wife’s the lead but we try and keep up appearances.

I hesitated to say this so often but “back to the future” and the poor little wimp dad is a good representation of how it can be so ugly. I mean I really would rather put on a dress or be gay or whatever than live that poor guys life. We did in some respects and there is some of the pathology evident in the kids sadly. That’s what it is, pathology.

The difference thank God between our family and the pretend one in that movie is one of us was really strong and held the line and it wasn’t me. It was my wife and again, thank God.

I did get pushed around and beat up a lot in life but I see that as an outgrowth of my CSA and less a failure of me as a man. That’s a relief because I really suffered from that but I also sought it out sadly.

I know in retrospect I couldn’t help it. : )

So again it’s hardly all bad I mean I’m passionately in love. Must be doing something right.

I wanna mention too how much I appreciate feeling safe enough to write this stuff here.

 

[Mach123]

We had an eventful morning here keeping with the tradition of not doing anything in a small way.

I’m a lot different.

That’s to say my recovery, and everyone and everything are somewhat better mostly due to my continuing to calm down. Because, these people lived with me when I was cPTSD symptomatic.

I was brutal. But my wife reigned me in to whatever extent and the kids which as I said before when they were young, those were the best years of my life.

But these years aren’t so bad. My middle son is here, after having served in the Army. My daughters are here and will always be due to their Autism, and we just had a sort of reconciliation with our youngest. Our other two kids are in different states and we just saw one of them which went well, and I hope soon we will take another trip to visit our eldest girl in Montana.

I don’t want to say anything else right now, everyone is out except for me and one daughter which gives me a chance to do a little housework.

Since I started the project downstairs, putting up some insulation in the 1/2 bath, my housework has fallen off! It’s a full time job almost, keeping this place clean with 5 big people, 3 of which are some with long hair.

But I’m feeling good and I want to keep feeling good, so I don’t want to think too much.

 

[Mach123]

Taking a break from some house work. I like it and hate it but on a sliding scale I like it more than a lot of other things and when I’m doing it I feel like a girl or it’s easy for me to imagine, whatever that means. It’s not sexual in that way and it is? Meaning, it’s not about sex or being submissive exclusively but for me at least it is partly. I like that part. I was also very ashamed for most of my life, not understanding I felt like that and why, it’s not melodramatic to say it almost killed me.

The house is clean at least. I am and have been for many years, in spite of my wife saying she helped, or did it, or I didn’t do it for years and she had to. Lol. I’m proud of it. AND it makes me happy. Not doing it so much, when it’s done. Do I wish I could pay a maid service?

Oh, you bet your ass I do.

 

[Mach123]

I’m good still. It was a nice day. I’m going to look into spray insulation for the overhead downstairs. I’m guessing, you know? I watched some videos on how to do it. But it’s a little more involved when you start doing things. I have to trim out a window. I have a pretty good idea what I want to do. I need a chop saw and a table saw. I know it can be done with a circular saw. It’s a lot harder though. Trim boards are expensive and it’s easy to ruin them.

That’s down the road, now the ceilings torn down I need to put the exhaust fan in or I have to put one in the window. Venting and electrical. I know how to do it mostly. The fan doesn’t have to be hooked up bit since the ceiling is torn down it’d be stupid to put it back together.
My wife says we have to do temporary things because the rooms are going to be changed later? Not sure about that. Everything down there has to be torn out. That’s the size of it, so finishing anything carefully is stupid. This is me fighting with myself about how to do this. But I have a bunch of insulation stuck up in the wall in the half bath and some insulation left and some flooring my wife for somewhere and research on how to do what I’m doing which means watching YouTube and trying to take my time. And do everything else I have to do in the meanwhile.

 

[Mach123]

I need to just tear everything out down there. That’s the project house we bought I’ll get back to that.

My wife was just in here not wanting to be in love this morning. That means no sex today. She’s going to be all business and “needing to get this or that done”. Meaning going off on her own and doing things without me. That’s her promiscuity. That’s what makes this all impossible.

But that’s us. At our age, there’s only one way out of it. Which means why fight and argue? I like to phuck not fight lol. But believe it or not that’s the exact speech I was giving her 30 years ago and she didn’t listen then haha.

Im not masturbating. I’d rather do it with her, that’s another really old one. So you see, these things just repeat. It’s a pattern. I get to a point and I can’t conform to her way and she’s the same.

Im wicked in love though it’s pathetic. Yes I love it. I just can’t get enough of it in the sack, sue me. We will get something done I’m sure.

Meanwhime I think my handicapped daughter has been sneaking out to cumbies alone and buying hot chocolates which has to be stopped but again, my wife won’t get on board with me on an issue like that either and so we do nothing or one disagrees with what gets done or not and one gets mad at the other and one blames the other and that’s it . No forward momentum anywhere on anything.

That’s how it’s always been. Stuck as hell. Fighting over everything. But I’m working hard not to fight? It’s difficult in the extreme. But it’s love at the same time.

Next time the project house if I remember lol. We are getting senile along with everything else.

 

[Mach123]

The house is a disaster but I’m trying to make the best of it. Tearing the whole mess down would be the easiest way. Trying to work around all the old junk is pointless because you end up with a cobbled mess. They want like 50 grand to hire it out. We need the space desperately but planning is beyond us and how much money to invest and who to hire and blah blah? Forget it (this morning especially lol)

I used to fall victim to her moods. This is how she bullied me all those years. Because when you’re submitted the other persons moods are controlling like I’d you’re upset with me that means I’ve done something wrong .

She’s waiting for me. Haha

I’ll be back.

 

[Mach123]

We're sitting in church and he’s yelling, which I can’t stand and is perfectly fitting for this morning. I want what I want and my wife wants what she wants.

It’s fine everyone should do whatever they want unless you have to be a team. I don’t wanna be the leader but being as I’m the father it gets thrust upon me. I can say I don’t wanna and that’s fine but it won’t stop me from noticing the consequences. Even in the people I love.