About me being a girl

[Mach123]

I’m good still, there is a lot going on around me and with me. I’m just trying to remain peaceful.

I went down the basement and tore down the rest of the ceiling and tore up the floor. It wasn’t really a floor or ceiling. It’s just cobbled together walls and a rough cut floor in an unheated basement. What that does is maybe warm up the bathroom but it’s irrelevant. It accomplished something. Somethings better than nothing. IDK what to do with the trash, that’s my biggest problem if I decided to strip a lot of it. The Sheetrock is heavy and I can only pass so much of it with my trash service.

We went for a walk.

 

[Mach123]

The trash is a problem there’s no dump here . That’s a nightmare. I wanna gut the downstairs and though it’s easy enough, it’s a ton of trash.

Going to the dumps part of any kind of rehab work or having a dumpster. But dumpsters are time sensitive. I’m just trying to do slow. That bagster thing was my last effort to do something about it.

My wife’s late this is the third day I’m kinda pissed she must me mad at me. I just gotta have some more of that. She can be passionate and then “see you in a few days”. It’s not like that for me especially now because we are in oral love. That’s been going on about 5 years? 3? I don’t know, it’s hot as hell though. She always made me wait for it.

My ultra right websites say the world ended last night . Seems quiet so far , for the end of the world. I have half heartedly believed it since covid became an excuse for the government seizure of control. I don’t know what’s going on, but everything here seems to be working still.

The thing is very toxic right now. I was up a lot last night. See what happens if anything today. I’m not commenting one way or the other because too much is undecided still.

But I’m not like sitting by the tv waiting for some announcement or anything. Am I changed that much? Even there done that.

I hope hunnie comes in, I get mad when she ignores me lol.

 

[Mach123]

I had a not so good night, prostrate flare up, horny, pain, sleepless. I’m ok. My arthritis is terrible. Try and remain calm. Lol!

 

[Mach123]

What I really wanted to say is sex is bothering me so much I think I might be remembering something. That’s not a new feeling but, since we are doing oral sex meaning she “lets” me, things are different.

The therapist for me going yesterday by mentioning the “situation” which is talking about politics which has no place in therapy and I had to “talk her down”. I told her I loved her unconditionally and she accepted it. Simply put, she hates me because of what I represent.

But we all have to make an effort. I’ve been thinking about ghandi the last couple days. Just as a representative of non violence I don’t even remember his circumstances.

I always would have taken the bait in the past and started yelling about my boundaries being violated . I didn’t say anything. I did get tweaked though so I used it as a springboard to say a bunch of stuff I haven’t been able to get out and saying phuck phuck phuck and being vehement. LOL.

Ive been meaning to unload about her old recovery site for men. She’s says she’s no longer involved and wiggles out if it that way. She thinks she’s so high and mighty but I see her sometimes as a girl. I know she thinks she knows about the men but I don’t believe her.

Anyway she’s good enough I don’t know how anyone could help much really. I’m not so good right now. It comes and goes.

 

[Mach123]

Every time I make an appointment there is a conflict with something my wife had it’s not for real. It’s honestly like a nightmare but I’m in a bad mood. This ones ok I’m going to my dentist I’ve cancelled my cleanings for at least ? I don’t even know. But it’s all confirmed. My wife had mentioned she scheduled us to be at a volunteer thing but didn’t write it down. That’s an easy one at least. It is every time though or close enough. It’d be torture if I was trying to work. It always was.

 

[Mach123]

I have to give myself permission to be depressed today I suppose. I can’t think of anything else to do I feel awful. It’s ok to feel awful I guess. I’m going to read a little self help and clean the microwave. The dust is making me depressed because the sun is out. This place is SO dusty and my wife has junk everywhere that has to be dusted around. I just wanna make love with her and forget everything. That’s me today. : (. I’m glum.

I just ate some cabbage soup. Maybe I’ll feel better in a little bit. I have a daughter downstairs who I need to get up and around and I can’t get myself up and around.

It’s depressing. I want to talk but only kinda. I don’t have anything good to say.

I’m washing the bed though, 2 loads it takes all day on and off. 2 duvet covers. I have to get it done by early afternoon or I get tired. My wife alway ended up making it when you were trying to get in it. I can’t do it that way.

 

[Mach123]

I took one of my kids back and forth to her program, I started my paperwork for SDDI that’s about 20 pages of forms, I did 3 loads of wash and changed the bed, I cleaned the microwave and I took another kid for an hour walk.

That’s a days work, especially considering I felt like staying in bed with the covers over my head.

 

[Mach123]

I feel better. I don’t think kale agrees with me. I don’t see how that could be possible, but I’m going to stop eating it, I didn’t eat any yesterday and I feel better physically and emotionally, and I slept a little better.

Im hoping I can give a little this morning, boy do I want some of that.

Everything else is bs. I read the maharaj yesterday and I realize I’m the therapist. I have to send my therapist little spiritual missives so she’ll calm down. She’s all involved in politics but she thinks she’s a social justice warrior. But that isn’t square with her so called eastern philosophy.

Gotta be gentle with people.

She is fun anyway I’d love to be her lover she’s so passionate. “Flying up into a passion of anger at a comment or because none was made”. That’s a quote from Yo ho ho, our affectionate name for “Treasure Island”. It’s so nice to read stuff from a period when people could still speak and write in English.

Women, I love women.

 

[Mach123]

We have no bugs being as we live at the beach. This has come into my mind again because I’ve been pulling walls down in the cellar. It’s not believable the increase in the quality of life. Maybe I don’t like bugs. Not even a moth. No dead bugs. No spiders in the window corners.

You have to keep an eye on the rats. We are on the water. I was going to take a pic yesterday as we took a different walk showing the ocean is just over there even when you’re on the bay. It’s the scouring of the wind that gets rid of the bugs and trees and everything else. It’s hard in the houses. The bleaching of the sun and scouring of the wind.

Im very careful about the garbage. My wife works with a family a couple blocks away that don’t function quite as well. That leads to bad behavior like not being as careful with the garbage.

My wife has seen some evidence of rat activity over there. Time to call the exterminator, we have one in the family but he is out of state.

There are no rats here right now. But I’ve seen them around. You can’t totally escape them by the salt water.

 

[Mach123]

I went to the dentist now I’m in my room. My wife says I’m a drama queen. Can’t do it today, and getting out of the way is ok, if you’ll just get in trouble otherwise. I’m out of the way, for now.

 

[Mach123]

4 in the morning, wife’s mad. This could stop in the morning or go on weeks. I don’t have to do for them. I’m tired of them all. They don’t mind coming to find you when something needs to be fixed but if you want some love it’s a federal case . I can skip it. I don’t need it. Just don’t bug me about the things that you need done.

My wife gave me an attitude and I thought she should be nice . She said “I don’t feel like it”. So the rest of the day when she wanted to do what she wanted which is make me do for her I said I don’t feel like it and I wouldn’t say anything else so now I’m in trouble.

I don’t feel guilty about any of it, though I know I was wrong and behaved badly in many instances. So what? When did I claim to be perfect?

So I go in my room and close the door . Let the heathen rage. I got a lot of guitar practice and that’s what I feel like doing. In fact that’s what I’d rather be doing. They all just need a scapegoat . Someone to blame. I’m just tired of it. Sex is wicked though lol.

The things we do for love.

I wrote on the dentist form yesterday cPTSD due to CSA. I probably need a front tooth out and I have no money for an implant and I don’t know how I’ll get out of this one. I always thought I’d have false teeth like everyone in my family did. But we will see. It didn’t happen yet and I get to go again on Monday to look at it again. The hygienist said I have an expensive mouth. I got a good report though. I’m thorough and consistent in my home care. I have to water pick every day which is hard to keep up.

I do it though. They told me one time a couple years ago I was slacking, I was mortified!

There is a lot of shame associated with my mouth. : (

 

[Mach123]

I’m dreamy. I wake up a lot at night and I’m having SO many dreams. Mmmmm. I tried to remember my hands and do some lucid dreaming. I still have the dream mask lol. The original Nova Dreamer.

My wife comes in and we make passionate love or not. I’m gonna Jane a nice day either way. Be nice. I’m not masturbating, so horny. But no arguing.

I have the nagging sensation I’ve done something wrong. So funny. That’s submissiveness. That all drives me crazy in bed. I feel bad I found all this out really with pornography. I love pornography but I have a bad feeling that the people in it are slaves . It’s like buying cheap goods from China only worse by a quantum leap.
Like I wouldn’t mind making dirty pictures of me. So how did I find out about me? I saw them doing it . Boys being girls and girls being boys.

That was all the stuff I had repressed, that was the stuff that nearly killed me trying to get out.

Now I’m trying to live with it. I don’t mind it that much. I’m not suicidal though I do get anxious. The therapist says I can feel like this and be “powerful” still. I have a hard time seeing that but, whatever. I huess it means more than follow me around for sex but idk. Isn’t that girl power? It is on one level. When she walks in the room or even when I think of her (love) the breath goes right out of me.