About me being a girl


My wife’s “giving me the business” which is a colloquium, and I’ve almost started a thread lately I’ve been thinking of so many.

Her way of fighting is to double down, always. “You think you’re mad? I’ll show you mad, you don’t know what mad is”.

I always fell for it. I guess I’m a lot stronger now, not sure . She’s like the boogie man though, she scared me always.

It’s just dominance and submission though. Oneupmanship. Who says so. That’s fine. She puts up with me. I’ll meet her halfway. She said once I’ll take fifty percent of the blame, but not fifty one.

Some of its girl stuff and some boy stuff meaning the common things used in oneupmanship between homonormative couples. Couples fight about sex and money and who’s the bitch? I don’t mind but

You better come after me for some lololol. I don’t mind being mad, as long as making up is passionate. I just do t wanna do a real long one.

idk when it was but I tried to stand up for myself (what again)? which almost always guarantees her “swelling up like a toad” to show me whose boss. She didn’t have sex with me for about a month !


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We just went for a walk the back way like yesterday. Same walk different daughter. My wife and I passed a few words, unkind mostly. She takes the position like she’s been harmed when I stand up for myself. That drives me crazy. It’s always like I did something wrong and it’s my fault and my desire for her overrules me and I give in.


Snap happy. I like my pictures, I like a lot of stuff about me, I wish I was sleeping with me. What happens if you wanna break up with yourself though? I feel so good about all that I can’t do anything else.

I have my guitar, I got back to a higher level yesterday. It takes practice till it’s like there which takes like forever. I like it though. It keeps me company in the solitude. Sometimes I watch how or listen to YouTube or sometimes I just play it. It has to be hours and hours and days. My hands are deteriorating because of arthritis and it hurts a lot playing. I like it though especially when music comes out. I have to forgive myself . I can’t be hyper critical and I can’t be impatient. Those two together really ruined my life, ruined the things I tried to do. But I have my guitar . I have two now. I don’t play the electric and much but it’s beautiful too. I like playing it unplugged . It’s quiet but it has a really cool sound, I think it’s a fender sound. I couldn’t buy a Stratocaster even though I would have liked an expensive one, and I don t like the inexpensive ones but the telecaster has that squeak sound fenders make idk how else to describe it. You can hear it even though the guitars unplugged.

Now about sex I’m jonesing, but I’ll get even with her lol. I feel very nice this morning and aloof, I slept last night. She gets at me by upsetting me. If I’m not upset she has no power. Fear is like that. She knows how I am about sex though it’s, her most effective strategy always. I’m pretty easily upset about sex.

She plays me with nice words to draw me out or make me talk (same thing) then she does whatever she wants with me, I’m that easy. If I’m having sex I don’t care about anything else. Even having sex pretty soon works. Like a stupid dog. Haha. I’m a good companion if you like having orgasms. I’ll work and work at it.

All that’s fine as long as I don’t get mad about it, which I do easily. My self control is not so good around sex. I could be saying love btw? That’s how the girls say, that’s the excuse they use. I’m in love we made love. Sex is a dirty little word. All you need is love.


My reactions are so exaggerated when it comes to sex and love and needing her approval because I’m submissive. If I perceive she doesn’t love me it’s curtains lol. I get all these horror movie feelings till she makes love with me.

I haven’t spoken to anyone except to be pleasant in passing and I feel like I’ve committed some atrocity. I’m just in my room. I’m just unwell. But they are all like, well never mind. Who knows what anyone thinks except mom has me made out to be the bad guy see? She infects them all with that.

Daughter number two and I are home alone having been abandoned lol. It’s peaceful but the upset is in me it’s like as if it were loud. : )

Welcome to cPTSD and being a slave to the Dom. It’s not all bad but we’re getting tired, We’re all wearing somewhat thin.


I went out awhile , everyone’s flustered. People were in each other’s way at BJS. I almost never feel like that at that store. It was borderline uncomfortable it was that busy but now really, no waiting for check out. Everything was weird today including the weather. Very stormy morning then the sun came out and it was really warm.

I had a kind of realization, an all at once thing and I felt “all grown up” about a situation. It came from nowhere . It was a feeling. I just knew what to do and how and that I could. It was a solve for a puzzle, a situation my wife puts me in always. I refuse to participate and I told her . She keeps setting it up so I have to. Like I have to baby sit because she says so? Take care of something.

It doesn’t work because it makes me the monkey in the middle and I feel helpless and anything I do or say can get us in a disagreement or miscommunication (fighting). It’s a trigger with us.

So she set me up to do this in spite of my warnings begging explanation justification and so on, I just don’t get to say no.

But i do I’ll just be accused of not caring about my daughter, it’s one of those things.

So that happened again today my wife set me up and left me home with this appointment and she wasn’t there . Like you’re doing this and I don’t have to ask.

But I started the usual scorched earth ranting in my head and suddenly, I knew what to do.

It turned out I didn’t have to do anything and even that at one time would’ve put me over the edge because it’s my wife not taking care of her own business and using me to clean up behind her . Her being irresponsible when she can stick me with it which would be ok if I got the same from her, but I don’t.

So I just didn’t participate and it works. Just because I knew what to do and I knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong.


Eh, I like this I don’t like that, phuck it. I’m not real upset. My wife used to say if you’re stupid, don’t open your mouth and prove it. I wanna kiss her ass and she’s being mean lol! I love her ass! The guys used to say that teasing you know? I’d get confused. I’d think of course I’m pussy whipped? Like, it’s a bad thing? She let me blow her. You can see how it’d be confusing especially if it had sometime to do with mother. Oh well another day of silence. I get so lonely for her. But you’re supposed to suk it up, that’s a bad thing? Love can stink but it smells like beautiful flowers. I always tell her that she smells so beautiful. Can you smell beautiful?


I wanna try and go back to the strength I felt yesterday and the last post is a counterpoint to that. My wife tries to frighten me into doing what she wants but pretends she’s a victim and butter won’t melt in her mouth. Haha


Silence and anxiety and violence and my mouth. I’m talking too much because I’m not talking in the real world. It’s only for awhile but it feels like dying . I had a pretty good anxiety attack this morning But I’m calm now I ate. I’m orally fixated .
The therapist and I have touched on all this but it’s all in general she won’t stick to anything. We don’t stay in anything and work on it. I’d have to do it and I think it’s her job. Im anxious at night awake and in the morning, no mornings, not a morning person. My mouth is about oral sex. Talking is tied to that and not in a way that’s good for me lol. It gets me beat up in a figure. Violence and sex are related. That’s ugly. I’m not saying there’s no sex without violence I just think oral sex is less violent. For me anyway. I don’t like forcing things. There’s another lovely little bit for a dry spell. “Love, rain on me”.


It was nice today my wife only stiffed me twice . I’ve spoken to her about her behavior with her plenty of times it’s a waste of breath. But I’m learning I don’t have to participate, like a grown up.

That means I can explain my actions from a grown up point of view that makes sense to me and it’s irrelevant in my mind if or not the other party agrees. This as opposed to shrieking I’m upset or triggered or I have cPTSD or I’m being abused and treated unfairly. I’m being abused and treated unfairly if I participate. So I can just excuse myself and get out of the way. I don’t feel left out believe me.

I just had two cheeseburgers fresh with Swiss meaning unfrozen hamburger. I made 12 or so and froze them with wax paper between. They aren’t as good after you freeze the meat. I just eat them plain with ketchup, no bread.


I took a walk by myself on the western or bay shore and the wind was severe. It’s nice because not tryouts walk on the beach so the tide makes no difference except for splash over. Over the course of only a quarter mile in some places on this peninsula, the weather changes dramatically due to wind speed. I was somewhat overdressed but unzipping or venting and removing my hat which allows for massive heat loss (very short hair) cooling off was fairly easy. The wind was an actual gale which makes walking difficult. I could have walked a couple blocks over bit that takes all the adventure out of it. Masks are fifty fifty, everyone’s pretty friendly and acknowledging everyone else mostly.
The first three are the bay, the last two the ocean.