About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I slept the last 2 nights. Being awake a little while, even an hour is easy. I’m so horny it hurts. My wife was making my sons happy yesterday which makes me jealous of them. But I know all her stuff by now. She knows how I feel. I know how she feels . It’s harder with her because she can’t tell the truth unless it’s to her advantage. I can tell the truth I’d it make me submissive because I want to give you that I love you but, you show me over and over you can’t be trusted and don’t deserve it. The whole thing gives me a whopping headache but I’m going to be a nice girl and not put up any flap about it.
Keeping talking is repetitive because this is a state of mind I’m in often and I always say the same stuff about trying to be good. Don’t be the boy dog be the girl dog. Problem is they need the boy dog. I’m here hornonally, I wish that were enough. I don’t want to do church with her anymore she’s so bad a girl. But then again so am I. It’s all her fault of course. The church thing is a real ugliness. I can’t even talk about it I get so upset. I mean she does multiple sermons daily but she’s cruel with me about sex and love.

Thats why I always say it’s dominance. Push me pull you. She’s maniacal about it. Trying to make me do what she wants is killing her because I’m a terrible subject. She wanted a drone ore worker bee but she got a person. She tried to pound the person hood out of me but the more she did the more in love I fell.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’ve been dreaming and I wanted to mention this specific dream for a couple nights ago because I woke from it screaming, and I might have been making noise, but I’m alone in bed now. I have been having so many like every night. I wanted up dreaming and I think about the dream and forget it especially because it’s so often now. I even started giving myself the old command about lucid dreaming. Find your hands in your dreams and you become aware you’re dreaming.

Anyway this dream was in the old driveway we lived so long there under. I know the exact spot and I was in the car it van maybe the pool van from the business, and there were a bunch of kids There on bikes or whatever and I realized they were bullying one or more kids and I got out and I was screaming in this kids face they were bullying the other kids and I woke up 😱 screaming. It was so real and I could see the kid was afraid and I was screaming about calling the police meaning I was trying to scare him.

This is all very ugly and horribly upsetting for me, so many levels, so painful. It was so real I could smell it all.

I cross from that to being awake, but it’s slow and I can’t wake up, and I have to think to myself that’s not real, that didn’t happen.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m sitting waiting for the dentist with a stupid mask on. Phucking fake covid, fake climate change, fake election. Bastards . There are good people. It’s always a remnant . I guess that shows what kinda mood I’m in. My wife’s a fatty. Wanna talk about That? Food the real addiction.

I didn’t think so.

My wife’s giving me the treatment because I dared to open my mouth about her behavior. Her mother and her only others real close friend is the same way. A big fat ass with a big mouth about whom you’d better not say anything.

Oh I know I’m a hundred pounds overweight (they never say) but I can’t help it, but I can tell you all about your behavior and what’s wrong with you.

I hate everyone it’s Monday morning.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
There was a thread and a member said she thought her therapist was a denier should I fire her so I’m in the opposite camp but same thing. I love my therapist and I’d date her easy although she’s too old lol. But she’s a total leftie I’m a total righty. We agree on basic stuff but we just dont talk about what’s going on in the world and stick to therapy, except she has outbursts. I’m not really a total righty, but the finer points are lost if you start arguing, you know. But I could probably fire her now. I just can’t take the thought of trying anything else and I’m so isolated already. If let her go I’ll have no one. I have no friends, but a couple old ones and a sister who wants to stay in touch because she’s not that great at 73 but we don't get along either, she’s a jehova. So it’s me and my wife I can’t stand any of the kids sorry, I know I’m partially to blame. I can’t talk about how I feel around the kids though. I have to act like dad and keep up appearances. So that’s it.

Everyone is on edge still you can feel it . I’m having more trouble in the stores if people get close to me it’s bothering me.

But everything is tied to my wife and sex and that’s awful, but all my good feeling comes from her, and when we are in love I’m happy, and when she’s mad at me, I’m all alone and life’s over. I’ve always been like that. Every time. Whenever she isn’t in love with me, I think she’ll never love me again. It’s stupid.

I don’t want to go to therapy to talk about her, but I noticed today I was mentally preparing, and she’s the main subject. Now see I’m thinking, even if she’s picking on me, it’s better than being lonely like this. Before that would always make me go back and say, I’m sorry hunnie I looooove you, I’ll be good I promise please please.

LOL. Pathetic! It’s a cycle.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
The dentist was great I love him a little he is the most gentle dentist I’ve ever been with I think. It’s been 7 years I’ve been with him. They got all the work done on me through my state insurance. I’m almost for healthcare for all? Idk I mean, I’m disabled. I feel guilty about it though like survivor guilt. Idk how much money in real dollars went into my teeth but it’s a fortune. It would be to pay it out I’d pocket . I’m sure he had to take way less money than he could have gotten paid privately. Same with my therapist she takes about half or a third .

It went well anyway they’re going to fix me up again. I’m grateful. I actually cried when he finished it the first time. It took months. I thought I’d just have them out like everyone else in my family. He was giving me oxycodones after the root canals too. Just like two pills because using laughing gas which he has but it disrupts the office so much I let him do it. I told them I had ptsd. He was so gentle though? It’s how they inject the novocaine, it’s a dead giveaway. If they can not hurt you while doing that they know what they’re doing.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
God I need love lol. I’m a hopeless romantic and the therapist calls it a sex addict. I know she’s wasting her time. I even hate that word because all the stupidity that 12 steps has developed around it. See it’s arguing about everything even in therapy lol. I wanna be in love as d give blow jobs. So I’m bad? The thing is once you make her cum, it’s the most addictive thing ever. The female orgasm. But girls get away with this, I guess all girls I was gonna day pretty girls like my wife. But my fantasy life lately has gone to women of all types shapes and sizes and I’m always making her happy. This is bad? It’s hard even the therapist says so because trauma and pleasure are mixed up but I have news , if it works? You can’t cure the person if it works. You can cure drinkers who are engaged in real obvious idiotic behavior like not coming home from the bar and spending all the money. It’s easy to gang up on those poor slobs because nobody will say it’s bad. You just can’t it’s too obvious. Problem is once you sober then up they still have the problem even though it looks fixed . I almost killed myself because of that stupid thinking, because of listening to them . The charismatic Christians are the same. It’s awful. Anyway I’m horny : ). She’s being a jerk because I had the nerve to stand up to her. Same as always, same pattern.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I have a lot to say about this pattern thing and I guess these are contiguous posts I expect to write a lot today and make cabbage soup and finish a job application which I actually did yesterday involving a phone call mystery shopper thing and I also talked to an actual person and said it trying to find do something to do for money.

But the therapist is first . She was hard on me yesterday she said so. I talk to her about giving head and stuff and she yells at me and says I’m a fourteen year old girl and I have to grow up. This is the first time though I’m doing oral sex and I’m in love and I know why? I was always confused when I was having sex. Ow I’m me and I like it for the first time and the therapist tells me I’m bad then she says she didn’t say I was bad. It’s a phuck up. I get it. Pleasure and trauma are all mixed up. When I’m good I’m bad and all that.
But it started off with a thing about sex that wasn’t , it’s about control. I wanna say dominance there but control is strong enough (I hate trying to phone type).

We did start fighting about sex, but I was just countering my wife’s old routine. She gets up after being mean and refusing me in bed and tries to be all nice and polite like she didn’t do anything wrong. But if I refuse her? That’s another matter.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
First thing today is cabbage soup. We got through thee batch with the kale in it which didn’t ruin it but pretty much did. I got 2 nice heads of cabbage, small like little cannon balls. I can’t wait for a fresh batch.

I wrote the therapist and said my wife’s bullying me and I try to talk about it and you start bullying me. She took it well that is what’s going on. It’s not all intentional. There’s so much gray area in it. If they make me mad enough I’ll “shave my legs then he was a she”.

It’s funny. I can’t always laugh. My wife’s off all in a huff at my silence. I’m being silent. She’s in a huff about plenty of stuff but my silence is one of them. If I don’t talk she can’t get at me . : )

I talked to my bff he’s great because he knows how I feel. I’m lonely and like life is over because she won’t love me LOL. It’s hard coming from a man but there it is. If it was a woman they’d say “awwww honey it’s ok”. You don’t treat soldiers like that. Now we have women soldiers too.

I don’t wanna think about this anymore , time to get in the kitchen and make something good to eat.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m going to have sec probably this morning thank God. She started talking to me yesterday afternoon and I started
rubbing her feet and talking sweet to her like a little bitch because that’s what I am. It means she’s getting hungry for me and she feels well enough or both. I’m her little addiction. She likes naughty me but she won’t say it because she can’t talk about it. So repressed . So I’m her girlfriend what’s the big deal? You know I’m kidding right because I almost committed suicide over it lol. I was thinking the girls say, the wives I mean, I won’t mother you I’m not your mom. That confused me because I thought I wanted that because of CSA so I couldn’t think about it and I’d get triggered I guess. It’s not that I wanna be her kid I wanna be her girlfriend . Those are more similar than the distinctions involving men. Meaning everyone is always yelling at the men they can’t be like that. I was thinking about making sex videos for money or no contact pornography. I’m not talking about breaking the law. I’m too old but could probably do wonders with makeup. She won’t let me. I’m afraid of the kind of people you’d have to get involved with ? Pornography is not very nice. Like gambling and casinos, attracts the wrong kind of attention. This is nonsense though because I can’t even talk about it with her. My bff man thank God. He was so nice and stayed on the phone with me yesterday because he knew

I’m jonesing for her .
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Diatonic arpeggios and 3 nites per string scales is what I’m doing on guitar. I’m going to withdraw on the surface from a lot of things I’ve been doing to see which way the wind blows. Nobody’ll know. Putting on a dress would really be hiding and I’d be a protected class too. They’d probably pay me while I’d do the treatments don’t think I haven’t thought of it, they pay for the prisoners to do it in my state. Anyway I’m going dark and shutting off the news and hope for an event that’ll trigger me awake. But where I am we should be ok for a little while but that’s only a maybe. The games up right now that’s how i feel about it . Whose running things ? Nothing’s familiar. I probably won’t really do anything.

I hope my wife comes to bed sometime that’ll do it for me for now it’s a short term remedy but if it works why fix it.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
My wife’s trying to work me back into the same old position with the same old tricks. I suspect she needs me to do something, meaning, do something for her or about her.

But she had the wrong attitude in bed again this morning meaning she’s keeping it up meaning the behavior.

It’s an old joke like me, but that’s where the rubber hits the road, no BS. In other words, who says so?

Well I do and I’ll tell you why, I’m actually the nice one. She gave me a quick litany this morning of my faults but, it’s more or less my inability to put up a front, which she does so well, concealing the monster she actually is.

She’s sweet I love her I’m not saying that. She’s a monster though and she knows it and she admits it, in lucid moments. That’s a lot like me. I think I’m more lucid these days. But who knows.

Fighting and being mad is a mood. You don’t have to, you never do. Some people are given to war, others have a softer approach. Covert war off the bottom. In jiujitsu, if you got any good, you wanted to get pushed down and let the other person on top because it gives the illusion they’re winning.

Come into my parlor. My coach was so good at it that no matter how hard you tried to land on him you never hit him square , he was just giving an invitation for you to lose. I miss that, I miss wrestling that’s what we called it when the kids were little , Bills gym or the wrestling gym. I was lucky, he meaning coach or Bill, liked me and I got to hang out with them awhile.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Oh man tough night being mauled by my sex body. Meaning my body that wants sex. To phuck or be phucked, that is the question. Bottom or top. It’s not gender specific but it’s gender oriented. People pretend. He’s not just a dumb penis and she’s not just a manipulative man trap. But they probably are. Transgender had become the wholly grail of the new administration so if I put on a dress I should be able to write my own ticket. Who needs men and boys? Or rather, why should I worry about it?

But I’m just angry because she’s punishing me with no sex, the same way a man does to a woman. So all this is colored and nonsense in the main. I wanna bang and make loud noises to let her know I’m hurt at being ignored but I’m trying to be nice without letting her dump all over me. But you know all this, : ) I’ve said it all before.

Oh my vape melted down the battery. I knew I was having charging problems. It’s a lithium ion China job. I read that they were a fire risk and the directions say don’t leave it on the charger more than a couple hours. But charging overnight seemed to work best. Anyway the ass end or charging end was all melted when I was looking at it at 5:30 This morning trying to take my medicine. I have a backup unit being as I’m always prepared . I just can’t smoke the stuff it’s a horrible stinking nightmare . I’m very persnickety and neat and can’t have any smells or ashes or anything untoward.

I had a drinking dream last night I was happy to wake up and find that at least isn’t real.
 
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