About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Shaving in bed. Sexual. Getting ready. Everything is so breathlessly waiting. Kiss me baby. Why complain? I have to try a pain strain. I have to make some phone calls today. I hate/love my house but one thing about It is I can’t talk in private. I needs a soundproof office . Mouth secrets . Shhhh!
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Eh, no sex, no life, no love, just punishment for being me. My wife tried to run a big scam on me yesterday and I walked away so now she’s even madder. I don’t have to sleep with you and you still have to bail me out.

ah, no.

So I’m a bad guy but that’s all designed to manipulate me. So I have to be patient and I am.

I also think that wanting to be her lover blows her out of the water because when she loses the bottom she loses control. If I’m trying to pleasure her and I want to wait for her and work on her she can’t say I’m abusing her or using her the way women do. It takes away her victim hood. The whole can you be quick thing is abuse.

But if you say that everyone just laughs. I love it though. I’d much rather be abused by a woman. Lol. So I’m a gay woman again which is one of the things the therapist called me at first. You identify as a ... sigh.

Dressing up as a man hides her not really
Dressing up as a woman hides him mostly
My man disguise is not very convincing sadly. So I’m just here all hot and bothered and I guess I’m just gonna have to wait.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We reconciled enough to be civil which means, you guessed it, she’s getting away with it again.

“You know I’m such a fool for you, you’ve got me wrapped around your finger”.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We kept the peace, buried the hatchet as it were. I was always resentful but it was about sex always. Because I knew if she wanted to lead me around the nose she could phuck me and I’d keep quiet . She’d deny the whole thing was going on and say I had no right to feel resentful and she shouldn’t have to pay for my good behavior with sex. Except I wasn’t free to see other women, or honestly do anything I wanted without her on me always. But all this is about what are you saying to yourself , what are you telling yourself is going on. It wasn’t what I wanted, a wife. I used to laugh at her and say if you were me and I was you, you’d never put up with this nonsense. She knew it. She’s always known it. Winners don’t know how to share. They don’t bother with things unless there’s something in it for them.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m waiting for her which like I said is her way of abusing me. She’s the most abusive person I’ve ever known intimately. Her mother was probably her equal, all 375 lbs of her. I suppose that’s mean but you probably know the overeating is sex related. I’ve written all this before . She’ll get around to giving me just enough to keep me dangling. It hurts. Whatever though? You have to keep going. I was reading a support thread here or advice to the lovelorn, dear Abby. All you can do is laugh. I know not to read that stuff. Sure I’m jealous, who doesn’t want some strange ? I’ve written all this before too.
: ) it’s a pattern.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
She let me do something really awful and pathetic, but I got off because it’s been so long. Can I be appreciative of something abusive? Is something better than nothing? Hahah. I don’t give a phuck!
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m in church, in the living room, Covid church. That’s not true really, it hasn’t got much to do with Covid which I don’t care about it. We were talking about it yesterday the adults which is my son, wife and I. We went out yesterday awhile to Walmart. It was fun. I was able to mostly control my behaviour lol. Not talking or being very careful why I say and don’t is extremely important. It’s like mindfulness meaning a virtual impossibility. : )
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
All that angst about sex and now I’m a little sheepish. I had a good time but I’m a little depressed. I know she wants me to get out of here and go to work and I wish I could. I’m afraid of the pathology. I make everyone hate me probably because I hate me. But my wife’s all done and she had every right to be and I have no idea what to do and that’s all part of it. It’s hard not to hate yourself when you feel like you can’t do anything and you should be able. I said I love her and I always have but this is me. I’m great if you don’t want anything else but love because that’s all I have to give so when I give it I give everything.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We walked it was cold but do able. We left the girls home and my son and I went. The wind chill is in the teens even though it’s bright and sunny.
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Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I just took a little power nap more like a swoon. I said I was sheepish about sex but as soon as I lay down a little I start thinking I wish she felt like doing it again. I can have multiple orgasms with her sigh. I’m going to get up and make everyone a nice big salad.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I had like a horror movie night. Idk how many time’s got up. Meditation consists mainly of a don’t feel bad mantra. I feel better once I get up. It dispels it somewhat. My wife touched my foot as she walked by after what she did to me yesterday in bed which from her is a gesture of sympathy. I like being abused which is the hard part. I don’t like it it in a general sense but in a submissive or erotic sense. Like be a good girl sex fantasies. This is how it acts out. My kid is driving me crazy it crazy has found a home in him. I want my wife to chase him out but I’d I say anything she’ll just blame me. It’s a pattern. A pathology.

It was cold last night yesterday afternoon. Too cold to be really comfortable in the house except in bed under the covers.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We got a kid on the bus and my wife goes to work later. The other kid is home because of stupid phake covid restrictions which is abusive to these poor handicapped persons. My son is here doing nothing, I mentioned it to my wife this morning and she started defending him like crazy I just laughed it’s SO predictable.
 
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