About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Everyone is at program but I have to deal with an early release which means sudden schedule change on Monday forget anything positive happening. I have to start job search and document it. My kid is driving me crazy. Everything is. He is just another mouth to feed , someone else I have to deal with. I don’t want to have to speak to him or my wife about the behavior because it makes me sick to have to tell people who are supposed to know better.

So I’ll go to mom as gently as possible and say get him out of here or I’ll commit suicide. But that won’t get me anywhere. My autistic kids make me feel like that too. They at least have an excuse.

Or I can say I’m not going to participate. Again no matter what I do I’ll lose. Standing up for my self I always lose. She’d actually say by way of excise your father made me. This is why she brought him anyway to use against me. Women always use men to push other men around. Just because were a family makes no difference. It’s a power struggle.

Im not going to insist. I’m not going to make a fuss that was my old way. I want to get in a rent controlled apartment for disabled persons where I’m not responsible for fixing anything. I don’t want anything.

Just some peace and somebody to love.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I wrote a long post about making love last weekend but I put it offline so I have nobody to take to. It’s all about being submissive and giving her head. If I could die from being in love I’d be dead. She just waits too long in between. She admitted it though. How much in love she is. She never says it. Like when we were first married she flattered me always and told me I was sexy. Now she holds it back. I have to pull it out of her. It’s still there though, it’s better in fact. She had a huge orgasm lol. I tell her I love her and she’s beautiful always and she says you just want sex. You bet I do.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I talked to a research assistant about “me”. I didn’t like it. I feel all exposed. But I wanna help people if my experience can help anyone else? It’s just when you tell them “I’ve always been suicidal” which is true , they call you on it (and other things). I’ve mentioned plenty if times If you’re a make csa survivor, and make, they assume you could be a threat. I have to say my therapist is and expert and she knew what I was right away and that I was no threat.

But it was nice in a way to do some “process” with someone else ? I didn’t qualify for the study, and I lied about vaping weed. I think that was all I lied about, which is good for me. I never thought I’d it as lying. Just being protective of self. Something like that? The whole thing disoriented me a little bit today, I needed a little disorientation.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m up late because I crashed around 530 till 8 and was very deeply asleep. Talking to them at the research study blew me out of the water. But it was good, way out of my comfort zone. I’m under the covers in bed and this is my safe and quiet time. I just played the guitar about 2 hours which helps a lot. I think it’s funny when I tell people even people who know about ptsd are like oh man that happened to you? The doctor said you told the ra you were suicidal so I have to ask you about that and I said you’d expect that wouldn’t you? She said yes . I haven’t been in danger for years and I know what I’d do If I ever was, I’d never go through that again. I was just like no, I’m not afraid of dying and if I did it would be a relief kinda? Do I think about dying everyday? Yeah. Do I think about killing myself ? No. I don’t even think that’s passive suicidal thinking really. I have ways to cope and I’m pretty happy as long as I don’t have to do much.

But they were talking about the trauma and sex and unwanted memories and I’m hyper sexual so I’m like the thoughts are intrusive and I want them. Sex is a re enactment but I like it. So I have all the classic ptsd symptoms but I like them. I laughed a lot while I was answering the questions and I made her laugh. Sex is my safe place. It’d be nice if I could function some more. She asked if my intrusive memory made me avoid things and I said no and then I blacked up and I was like wait a minute I avoid everything . I isolate like an sob. I think they were shocked at how honest I was. I told them I was like this all those years and I thought I was normal and just had a bad personality lol.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I tried to get hunnie to come in and B with me this morning but no luck, I have to fight her for it in a figure. I talked to my bff this morning quite awhile I love him, we complained about how the girls abuse us for wanting to give them an orgasm lolol!
He ain’t even allowed in his house haha. He says to me if he comes home in the middle of the day she says, what are you doing here lol! You can’t make this stuff up. I’m still trying to make my wife behave, he gave up on his wife years ago.

But, the girls we have are the only ones
we are likely to get. Why complain? : )
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We are getting surrounded by covid. It’s been at arms length. I’m not afraid of it but everyone I know with it is having awful nausea and that I AM afraid of. I called my sister and foster brother to say hi. One of my mottos now is if you think of someone you know at my age and you think, I’d like to see that person, don’t put it off.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
IDK I’m a little depressed. We just made love but my wife won’t be happy till I’m making money somehow. The best sex ever and she’s like that’s great but. She’s right, and she has a right to say it but that’s us, always at odds. I will say the last couple times making love she stayed in bed afterwards. I love that.

I gave myself a fade yesterday. I’ve been cutting my hair but I was winging it more or less. So I watched a video on how to do it but I only kinda followed it. I did a skin fade but I could do the bottom closer. I should buy a new clipper also the one I have is really old I think I’ve had it since the kids were little, not sure. In the video the guy was like buy a clipper you are going to save $$ on haircuts. That’s for sure I cut my hair now almost once a week which would add up to a nightmare of time and money at a barbershop/salon not to mention trying to force them to do what you want.

There is tons of stuff bothering me now but why complain? Talking to the hospital about the ptsd survey reminded me I have a right to be non functioning. That’s kind of a joke but it’s not. As a man I’m non functioning. My car needs brakes and I have to make a run to the state border for cigs. I’m going to spend a little extra at the pot store and buy a pain strain I’m that desperate about my arthritis.

I saw my doctor and she ordered a bunch of tests but as soon as I walk out of there everything stops because the office workers and nurses that support her are all morons or the system sucks or whatever but it’s like pulling teeth . When I see her she goes we will do this this and this, then I go home . Nothing happens, I always have to call them.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m here with my beautiful girl and naturally I don’t care about anything else. I made the first batch of cabbage soup. I make 2 batches in my 8 qt pot, full. That lasts about a week. Next couple days I’ll make beef stew. It could be chicken stew. That would make me have to think about it. That’s not true really, I could just substitute chicken and do everything else exactly the same. I’ve done it before I think? Not sure. The beef stew is a little on the tomatoes and red wine side but, chicken is good with tomatoes and red wine.

My foster brother talked to me on the phone awhile yesterday he’s fun. He is the only one now left I speak with who rememberers that house in the old neighborhood. He is four years older and a genius, a real one. Idk what his iq is. He went to MIT on a full scholarship. Such a geek. Not with me though especially when I’m not looking at him. If you look at him you see a geek. But I knew him when we were kids and he’s just my foster brother. Being that smart didn’t really do that much for him. I wouldn’t say he was a happy guy. But still, it’s a privilege and a pleasure to know him. You don’t get to know that many geniuses. He was talking about diet quite a bit which he approaches scientifically, like everything he does. I mentioned it in another thread. He knows how many calories and what kind of nutrition there is in everything he eats. He said otherwise he’d have to see a doctor who would want to “put him on drugs”, which he won’t do. He is an interesting guy. Not surprisingly he is a recluse, we have that in common.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I just got finished and lie down a bit. 7pm. Hectic day in the kitchen mostly and we walked. I made soup and my wife decided she had to make spaghetti and sauce. I just cleaned that up because she had to take my daughter out to fulfill a promise . It was easier than arguing with her . She took my son to drive since it’s after dark. Neither of us like night driving, just can’t see very well anymore.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I was thinking last night I could have called this about being submissive or a submissive. The more I think about it and time goes by the more I see this is what sex is. Are you a doer or do you want something done to you? The girl says no no and that makes the boy come forward. Shes not really saying no or she wouldn’t be there. I can’t is another good one. Then it’s oh oh oh Phuck me, once things get heated up. Then she says I tried to say no and he phucked me anyway. How about when the boy is resistant or has a girlfriend or is married and she wants some of that? We all know me can be taken advantage of sexually. Anyway in the old days, they kept men and women apart not to subjugate women, but to keep the inevitable from happening.

My submissive part is more or less running every thing now. Short skirts, tight pants and low cut blouse . I don’t do anything about it except try not to masturbate . My fade is submissive. I shave my head to be submissive but it’s only submissive on women, figure that one out. I wish she’d let me wear an earring, but I’d only do it do it for her, I’d never wear it out in public. Well maybe if we moved away lol. Girl boy me. No wonder I never could make any money.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Put away the groceries, take a mouthful of this mornings coffee. Take a break. I had to give in and ask at the marijuana dispensary for a “pain” strain. I’ll let you know. Up till now I’ve been Pooh poohing all this stuff about strains. The guy that gives me stuff is consistent. A little stronger a little weaker, only once or twice something that’s like wow this is different. Idk what different means though. The store is a % more expensive. It’s quite a pleasant experience though . Like lots of new businesses they make sure the employees go out of their way to help you out and make you feel important. I for one am vulnerable to that kind of treatment. A few years from now we’ll see. For now though, it’s really red carpet.

Mom has everyone’s head spinning because nobody knows what’s going to happen next. She acts like everyone is supposed to know what’s going on but she’s so chaotic nobody could ever tell. Nobody’s ever made her do anything that’s why. She does what she wants . At work she’s polished and capable. Never lost a job. I’m telling you you wouldn’t believe it. Never a cross word with anyone except In The family. If I could get away with that, I’d be rich. I just ran into her at bjs. The timing of that is mind boggling.

I have to eat something. There just aren’t enough hours in the day.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Didn’t do much for pain but the stuff I’ve been using wasn’t very strong comparatively. So I had a nice afternoon. I thought something was wrong with my vape. I keep a bunch of different kinds and I forget which is which and I just grind up a bunch. My arthritis is really awful. I switched from Celebrex to Meloxicam and I just switched back. Neither does much. I just bought another pain roll on. I had a coupon. I don’t mind spending a little extra at bjs I get rewards points . Smells like Ben gay which is to say like old folks . That’s me. RI was great , the half hour I spent there . So pretty on the way to the beaches and little dives down there. I’d like to live there if I could pick anywhere else in my area. It’s warmer. I’m doing pretty good keeping my long underwear and other warm clothes on in the house. I guess I feel underprivileged if I can’t be warm In the house in the winter, I hate being cold, but I guess I hate it less than the heat.
 
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