About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Now that I’m doing oral again, and I can admit it, things are a lot different. I’m very girly. I’m totally oral. My wife’s a wreck because it gives the control to me. If I’m screwing her and she’s getting me off, I’m hers. When she has that giant orgasm, she’s mine.

I could turn myself into a girl. They’d be lining up to inject me. Male me was never much of a threat but lots of people think of me as the dreaded white male. I’m already a girl so I really don’t have to change myself into anything but I’d like to see what the hormone injections would do to me. The therapist said first I’d get little boobs.

I probably couldn’t though because I love him, meaning make me and I think that makes me sorta hermaphroditic . That’s an old word from the old days, Now they say dumb stuff. It’s hard to imagine how dumb people are now unless you understand they made dumb smart. Then it makes sense or 1+1 equals 2 again. The out come and eventuality of the feminization of men parallels my own trajectory, it makes me feel slighted. I felt so special when I got diagnosed because I searched my whole life for that answer .

Then everyone had ptsd. Then boys were turning themselves into girls all over the place. I’m not involved. Seeing a man in drag for me is like a really unsettling experience. I’m attracted to it at the same time. I mean to say when it’s obvious. It’s one thing to see a woman and think that might be a man, it’s a totally different thing to see a guy wearing makeup.

I hope she comes in this morning but it’s doubtful. Maybe a quickie. She can’t handle that orgasm more than once a week.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Switching gears I’m very clean about me and how I live and I don’t see much of that. My favorite thing about not doing manual work is I don’t have to get my hands dirty. I don’t do well with dirty. I don’t consider anyone else in my family is clean like I am. My wife is lucky she’s dry. She can’t sweat and so her body stays clean longer . I get ripe quick because I’m a hot wet mess. I shower daily. It takes me 5 minutes. If I cut my hair I shower twice . My rooms a mess but that’s because there is nowhere to put stuff but it’s all clean. I keep a laundry basket and the rest of the clothes are clean. My wife has piles of junk everywhere and her desk, make up table and clothes corner are like a junk pile. I keep threatening to get a dumpster. I’ve been cleaning up her messes thirty years. She just denies it. My kids are all dirty as far as I’m concerned. They leave stuff on the floor and walk on it. That’s my wife’s side of the family. No one in my family was like that. The autistic girls are an exception I clean up the house for them they’re paying for it and they deserve it. I won’t live in a dirty place. I was more when I was younger but I was always a girl and I always liked the kitchen and cleaning up. Mary mop. I was always tidy. Nesting. I wanted to be home. I’ll cook and clean, you go take over the world. No matter who takes over the world, someone still has to cook and clean. Everyone still says isn’t it nice he helps her around the house because after all, we know whose job it is hahah.

I tried some dust filters in some of the hot air returns and it seems really to be helping. I don’t wanna choke off the furnace for air, but I have to do something about the dust.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Beach walking today I had to pat a dog. A little pug that thought I was irresistible. Well so was the dog. I have written extensively how triggered I am by dogs and their people, but it just goes to show you, there’s always an exception to every rule. Today was crowded and there were plenty of other a holes around making a nuisance out of themselves but the pug just got to me it was totally adorable probably because it thought I was, hero worship is hard to resist.
 

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Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We watched tv together all day yesterday, I was cooking. It was sweet. Church is watching tv also. I am much nicer when I’m not having so much arthritis pain. It really hurts. I like being in love even though she’s mean about it. She got off so quick yesterday I was a little disappointed. I don’t mind working when it’s something I like. We are fun together. She shushes me and yells at me. I tell her how much i Love her and don’t be mad at me lol. Then I wait awhile and slide over to where she’s sitting and rub her feet. I’ve always had a foot thing with her . If the way to a mans heart is his stomach, the way to hers is through her feet.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We got a snow storm yesterday. They said it was going to be nothing, they are always wrong. When they say rain you have to prepare for snow and vice versa. I don’t watch the weather anymore. I just look at the website. My son Shoveled. I didn’t have to ask him so I had nothing to complain about and I got a little anxiety about that. I have to go back out and move my car. I used to shovel out front but I guess I can drive over it now. It’s hard to face being old enough to not do things. I want my wife this morning and I left her alone. I have to just be nice and quiet. ; ). Monday sucks . It was a nice weekend though.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I made a beef stew yesterday, the instant pot is like magic. The meat which is 4 bucks a lb so tough as anything, is as tender as the veggies. 1 hour. SO good!
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I was really not great today and spent most of the day in bed. Everyone got where they had to go and got home. That was it.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m better? I don’t feel great but I can take it. I’m staying in bed though. My poor autistic daughter is home and she is a horrible bully, although I don’t believe she means any real Ill will, it’s hard to maintain the proper attitude when she’s “behaving”, as we call it. Sigh. My wife hasn’t been back in to see me, meaning make love and of course, I’m mad at her. It’s funny how I talk myself into it. I just have not to have sex with her but I can’t do it. If I didn’t have sex with her she couldn’t work me, but I want her.

I have therapy in an hour and I’m not I. The mood to deal with her either. I want to stay in bed. It’s going to snow again today. Wildly different amounts forecast as always. This weather sucks . It’s not ever really nice in the house . If you wanna be comfortable you have to go to bed. Hi temps in the twenties all day. In the shower too. I get warm in the shower.

I’ll work the therapist today for sympathy. It’s easy enough. Dealing with one of my daughters alone is a severe handicap. Handicapped people ARE a handicap. The care providers, the poor parents, WE need a break lol. We don’t get one though . Thank God for the people at her program. It’s the only relief we ever get. The tension is horrible but we live with it.

The beach is nice even in winter
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Meh, not great. I wanna be left alone. I restrung one of the guitars and learned a trick, I put electric strings on one of my acoustics. So nice. I got flowers for valentines for “us”. I’m not 100% on who I mean by that. I had a guy over the house from the gas company and they are gonna do some work for free. Not what I wanted done but I’ll take anything.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I have an mri this morning, no coffee no love. I’m not getting any love anyway, I’m still in the thirty year process of saying “no” to her. She’ll give me her version of love and tell me it’s all she has and I have to live with it and why do I complain and yada yada. She’s not coming along side me though. Things are not in their proper positions that way so nothing works. It’s about alignment. That’s not to say I think I’m 100% right either ? I just red to trust her and she won’t do it. I need her to come to bed and she wants to be able to say “I don’t feel like it”, but if the plumbing starts leaking I don’t get to say I don’t feel like it. No sale. Can’t do it. I don’t have to get all mad but that’s the scenario and I do get mad because she’s making me do what she thinks is my job but I don’t get the same treatment. Injustice, unfairness, hate, intolerance LOL! Being married sucks because one or the other of you gets the upper hand. Someone’s always getting mistreated : ). Life’s a bitch.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m good. My mood got lighter . I got a new vape. I avoided an episode and my Jewish guy on the radio told a story that was so similar I think I must be Jewish, which I’ve thought that often over the years. The Jewish friends I’ve had, and a girlfriend notably, are the only people I’ve ever known as miserable as I.

My new vape didn’t work out of the box and I got upset and customer service didn’t do what I thought they should and I felt an episode in the background. I used to do it and I’d “go crazy” fixing whatever it was. This time I was like well, I don’t have to do that right now and I waited and thought about it and I got it going and now I like it. I can’t tell you the episodes I used to have about things like that but suffice to say it would put me in dull on fight or flight mode.

I hate even thinking about what that was like.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
My wife is really furious and she would say it’s about blah blah but it’s always the same thing, I called her out on her behavior. That ain’t allowed. But if I don’t want sex meaning go sexless, what do I care? It’s that simple. But I need to give her a couple days and avoid her line the plague and keep quiet. Then she’ll get the idea I’m serious. Plus she’ll calm down. Then she’ll come back to the bargaining table and try and sell me a bill of goods, but I’m not buying it.

Silence is the way for me right now. This is because sex isn’t getting the better of me right now, my desire for it anyway. I might be “whistling through the graveyard”. Hahah. I feel all tough right now.

I needed her approval always . That was the Sedona methodology. “Right now are you wanting approval, control or security”. Then they would ask could you let go of that. It’s a good system I think now, like positive thinking. When I first got involved, I didn’t think it was Hinduism light, which it is. This mirrors another thread I’m watching right now. Most “spirituality” today is just the old eastern mysticism and Mother Earth worship repackaged.

It’s true though about most of our uncomfortable or unpleasant thoughts and feelings reduce to that. They did a thing in the Sedona method where you’d ask each other the questions, which is the Socratic method repackaged.

I talked to my sister awhile this morning she’s another one lol, a Jehovah witness. I had to compliment her though she is tough and she sticks to her guns, like a broken record.
 
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