About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We are fighting but I feel like my reaction is different. It’s like watching myself in a movie. Is this recovery? I hate feeling detached it’s all cold and clinical. I’d rather kiss and be all hot and bothered and crying lol. Drama queen. But I’m gonna upend her. I want her to see it. She is proceeding normally as though my desperate desire to make love with her is something she can use against me. Something she can say is a flaw in my character. I’m gonna pull a trick on her . My daughter floats around like a spook on her tiptoes. Part of her autism? She’s spent her whole life practicing simple things. You get food at them. One of hers is moving around the house secretly. You always just see her going through a door out of the corner of your eye. I’m going to to that to my wife today. I’m in my room and I locked the door. My wife knows it, she knows everything I do. Once she gets the idea I’m saying no? Nobody says no to that woman and nobody ever has. It’s best not to say it, just do it.

I’ve started this a million times but I never go through with it. I started doing it last week and told her no sex so naturally she showed up the next morning.

Then I’m her slave again. I like being her slave, but slaves need to be serviced too. If you want to keep them around that is. So all I ever wanted from her was a little cooperation, but she’s not the co operative type. Or she is, as long as she can tell you what that means, make up the rules in other words. But I don’t like the way she treats me. She’s deliberately mean about sex and withholding her body and I’m not going to take that from her anymore and I’m not going to fight with her. That’s the other thing, she’s warlike. A sheildmaiden, but I don’t like fighting. She loves it. War is her natural state. Peace is for sissy’s in her book. She likes to win. These are very old themes with us and I had these discussions with her 30 years gone. She didn’t listen then and she won’t now.

But I’m finally where my bff was a few years ago and he told me about he and his wife he started telling her no it wasn’t worth it he didn’t want sex (to expensive) and I hope I’m there this time. I’d like it and I’m not going to cheat and I’m not going to get mad although I really gotta watch that. But she can keep it. If I’m not after sex from her ? I’m not sure but I think things would be a lot different. The silent treatment is really hard for me because of my oral fixation. I have to try though. it’s like quitting anything lol. Moderation doesn’t come naturally to me.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Doing things on my terms. It seems so ridiculous even to say it. Like I have any rights. A husband, a man lol. But it’s like hey, phuck you, you know? You’re gonna say I’m a this and a that because I have needs? That’s BS.

So it’s quiet. She’s doing the same thing as always, acting like she’s been wronged because everyone is bought and paid for and better keep their mouths shut. It’d be that way no matter what. But if I keep quiet she’ll just brood awhile.

Then, if she gets the idea I want it this way? She’ll come after me. I just have to out wait her which is hard she’s patient, like a spider. I don’t think she’s a sociopath. Real sociopaths are hard to find. She has no feelings in the way I think of them though. Only results matter to her. Or rather the feelings she has she dislikes because she sees them as weakness and so irrelevant or unnecessary. Winners are like that. I don’t mind she’s a winner, it’s the way she does things I really don't like. Not the results or the things she does, the way she does them.

So like I said I’m bitching about the way she does me and I’m not gonna let her do it anymore. Hahaha. Sounds all brave!
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m in a good mood. I’m talking my painkiller today. I’m in pain now constantly and it’s spreading so life has a lot to do with pain management now. I get the weekend off. I know how to use the painkillers. Two days a week and only 2 or 3 pills. My body is a lot different now. I can’t do anymore than that for the same reason I can’t drink, my body can’t take it anymore. It’s giving me too much credit to say I’m doing it. My body is doing it. Telling me what I can and can’t do.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
The beach and walking are great. I ordered wind pants but I didn’t like them, so I returned them, it’s so easy now. I’ll order something else today I’d I can find a pair I like. That was an “I bought something to make up for what happened” moment . You hurt my feelings so I’m going to take your credit card and shop like a bad girl. Luckily, I don’t really have that. I don’t care about things because I can’t buy what I like. I also can’t eat. I watch my wife devouring things when she’s upset. I get it, but I don’t have that, thank God. I have it in other ways. I have the oral thing in spades but it’s not about food.🌹❤️💋
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
it’s cold. Walking was the coldest all winter yesterday. It’s the dampness and the wind off the water, not just the temperature. I wanted to be abused you know ? I was a kid and a teen and all I wanted was for anyone to do anything to me. You can make me . I’ll be one of those girls. I understand both sides and I know it can be abuse .

On the other hand I ran away from that because I got drunk a couple times and did stuff and I was like uh oh. Haha. Be careful what you wish for. Drinking I can honestly say I wish I’d never done . Anything I did drinking I wouldn’t do otherwise I don’t want. I wish I didn’t. Can’t be careful enough and drinking doesn’t make me be careful.

Music. Just keep playing it and good things will happen.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I wrote lots of stuff and I keep taking it offline. That’s when you know stuff is happening. She’s starting to get the idea I’m not coming to get her. She’ll have to get someone else to pick her up. See that’s mean, lol. You don’t know what you got till it’s gone . She would always pull some phucked up stunt when we were younger and make me jealous and I’d come running like her little bitch. She counts on that. If I don’t talk to her she can’t abuse me, but it’s more than that. That’s all that girl stuff I want you to phuck me. Put your paw up on me or mount me. But since she can’t do that she does it in other ways. It’s the same though. That’s why it’s not sex or gender specific behavior. It’s positional. I’ve been really good and keeping quiet and I only made a loud noise a couple times lol like a door slamming. That’s all that stuff about sex. Totally animal.

So right now I’m like “keep your paws off me”. LOL. That’s not like me.

My prostate has been bothering me this weekend. I’m waiting for my doctor to call with my bloodwork and mri results . I just LOVE shorty. I think my prostate is bothering me because of the mri. Sigh.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Nothing loud, impatient, unpleasant or untoward. Not at war in other words but not in contact either. Sad Valentine’s Day but, I don’t like Valentine’s Day anyway. Just makes a failure out of all the men. I did get roses but she scorned me. Pleasantly not getting involved. I won’t participate in this anymore. : )
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I woke up and I was kinda depressed and anxious, angry sorta. I talked myself out of it . Now I feel ok. I’m in a life or death struggle with this woman for dominance. I feel awful because I can’t get her to phuck me lol. That’s a dumb joke. I can get her to beat me up which is what all this withholding herself is. I’m equally guilty but finding the guilty party doesn’t solve anything. I have a wife to deal with. I shouldn’t have said woman earlier though that gets you to the same place. She wants to get married and start the nightmare rolling. She says out of her mouth it’s ok I’ll have sex with you I don’t want to get married. That could be true but she’s pretty sure someone will walk her down the isle. She wants to get married though . Then she’s in control and she has a contract to prove it. A binding legal document. This leads to a Rodney dangerfield Ryle comedy routine about husbands and wives.

That’s because it’s funny. So yesterday was quiet no talking no fighting. Everything can be put off temporarily. That way she can’t barge in on me and say what about this or that. What about the leak in the cellar. Call someone . You forgot to see about the man you have in the bed.

So it’s just a contest about who says or who goes first. Now she’s playing how mad she is and how hurt and how wrong and unfair I am lol. Same dance. Flirting. Could be in the bed this morning or could be out the door.

But I’m selfish about it I admit it. My fair Lady comes to mind again. So much in that play is descriptive of real life, art imitates life . Professor Higgins, “daddy”, says if he lets a woman in his life, (sex), he becomes a selfish tyrant. That about sums it up.

Just trying to do it with a smile.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I have not said a word. I can’t condemn myself if I don’t open my mouth. She’s gonna come at me sooner or later. She usually comes out swinging, meaning she’ll wait till she’s so mad she can be really scary. She got away with that die years. By the same token, maybe not. I was always all defensive and ready to start yelling about don’t violate my boundaries and all that. You just can’t do anything with this going on. I refuse to fight with her . All I ever did was try and share with her. Share the authority share the responsibility, share the love.

She don’t believe in sentimentality LOL!
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Sex is the binding force or the law, sex and the societal structure which is dominance. Everything going on right now I’m social circles is one group so saying the other is unjustly dominant.

So being married you know you are “supposed” to make her behave meaning the submissive no fault on the girls. You can see the fighting for dominance and herding the females with the animals. We just aren’t any different . We are supposed to be and think we are. But we just use words and explain it away.

This is all on steroids of course because of PTSD in my case and now in our case since we are conditioned to this after 30 years on the treadmill. It’s just real life. With the clarity of age you can look Vance and see that 2 + 2 really adds up to 4 and you can’t explain it away.

Speaking of explaining it away I have therapy today and I have to call my doctor. These women! I should be a hairdresser a and charge a little extra for hugs and back rubs and truth be told? It’s foot rubs that really do it. See, there I go again.

So anyway I’m getting a step back from all this either because I’m getting smarter or older. I just saw I can’t control it. Makes me behave badly and spoils my whole day like a hangover. I get mad if she won’t behave. I wanna bite her lol. But if I knock it off about sex the fog clears. It’s more difficult right now because I’m really in love and she doesn’t care. I know what that’s like? I had a couple long term girlfriends and I had to get away from them when they wanted to get married, you know. You can be mean with them and you have to be kinda. Like my wife is with me . I wanna lie around and screw always lol like a kid. It’s more than that but just say one of you is always on one side and then there is the other. Whose on top? I’m stuck here, I’ve written a lot about it all. I notice I say things a long time but things are different when I feel it meaning when I actually understand finally.

I get relief from trying to control her awhile after she comes to bed. It’s not all bad. You do t have to believe me. you can ask her, it’s wicked in bed.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We are silent. It’s scary to disrupt the status quo. It can open the door to unrest. Words don’t explain it properly. At the end of the day, both sides say I’m right and you’re wrong, and your proofs of your mistreatment are intentionally concocted or imaginary.

What good is talking in that situation? Lol.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I should write naughty sex for money, that’s all I think about, but then it’s work and goodbye to happiness. I got over that on the guitar. It only seems like work when I get tired or my back gets sore. I play it lying down but naturally you can’t get the same degree when prone. You can still work the fingers.

On the guitar I accomplished a lot the last couple weeks locked in my room hiding from my wife who wants to insist on bullying me. She can’t though I broke the spell temporarily. I want it, but I’m not going to chase her. She would get rid of me and I used to be afraid of her about that but I finally see it’s a weakness not a strength. So right now I’m not afraid of her so I’m on top or next to her at least . I don’t like that I like the bottom but I get it.

The problem with the dominant submissive thing or sex, a rose is a rose, is everyone wants what they can’t have. I’ve been walking everyday with my son along, it was always my Daughters till he came back so he talks. He spends the rest of his time in his room on his computer.

He was talking about his relationships which means sex. Or women which means sex, I mean he is all grown up and a soldier and all that. But of course we talk delicately because I’m still his dad and the only woman I know anything about is his mom.

But we can still talk like polite people do and he was explaining yesterday to me what I just said.

He gets some woman sleeping with him and then she’s calling him always and won’t leave him alone. Then if he’s with her always she’s like, why aren’t you out with your friends? Because you can pass the baton back and forth. It’s like I WANT you I wanna be WITH you, don’t you WANT me?! So on a sliding scale this determines everything. You meet someone and get close to a balance or you convince yourself it is, so you get married because you think I might never get this close again.

There’s nothing you won’t do for that. Well maybe not nothing but you’ll say, I never thought I’d do that. That’s love baby. Our fatal flaw and why there are always babies.

So today’s fine. I can keep going no angry behavior no begging. When I feel that and I do I just say to myself that’s sex remember? That’s animal you. Put the leash on it lol.
 
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