About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
My wife’s pulling a stunt to get at me but, it’s fine. I don’t blame her. I don’t mind what she does because we don’t drink lol. Some people across the street were just bugging out as the kids say. Lovers quarrel. Yelling and locking the car doors and so on. I’ve seen those two at it before. Comes with the demographic.

My wife and I are disagreeing like we always did and I won’t back down. She’ll get to know it and if that’s it then that’s it. She was always like her way or the highway. When I said yes and married her I gave up my rights to her as far as she was concerned anyway. I was a real setup for that. Like I said though minus the booze you don’t get the stupid drama. Some drama lol. Just not the stuff that goes along with drinking. Thank God. I was never like that anyway. People who are big and loud get bigger and louder from drinking. It’s so ugly.

sigh. I don’t mind but I’d much rather be cuddling.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I still have my resolve it’s weakening lol. I just want sex though and I can’t go to her for that and I have not tI go crawling to her. I did it a little yesterday and she rebuffed me, like she always has for 30 years. I’m the only one that can say I’m right and I’m saying it. There’s a marital responsibility in the bedroom and she’s not supposed to withhold herself but If God doesn’t put that in her heart you’re phucked and I am. The old preacher and my sister are the only ones who say so. If we weren’t married you can do whatever but this is just talk.

I can’t go around her looking to reconcile I gotta wait and she’ll do horrible things to try and get rid of me. Stay in line or leave that’s her methodology and always has been and I never shoulda let her do this to me but now it’s too late. Every time I act up and tell her about her behavior this is what I get . She’s consistent, I’ll give her that.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m not scared or I feel strong and it’s weird. I feel the weakness like I wanna beg her and cry and that’s me believe me. Then I wanna have sex and be crying and stuff and all dramatic lol I’m a real bitch. I remember my first real breakup I lost so much weight everyone thought I was anorexic. But this all has to do with being embarrassed and shame.

Feeling strong enough is like, I don’t care what happens I’m not putting up with that from you anymore and you can’t scare me.

My wife is like this to the nth degree. You could burn the house down and she'd let you she wouldn’t put the fire out. I’m a little sissy I’d rather have sex. I hate fighting .
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
It’s hard for me about sex and leaving her alone. That’s why when you agree to disagree it’s better if you separate. We can’t though she’d be happy if I left. It used to kill me when I said that. Now I’m idk what. Resigned. I don’t really think anyone is going anywhere but I’ve been wrong before.

I just watched a really great nature documentary on Beaver ponds in the NE US. So nice and soothing and I lived in a place just like the one shown. The channel has a bunch of videos I’ll watch. It’s be pretty slow for anyone not from here. Thank goodness there was no animals killing each other I can’t watch that. They didn’t show that when we were kids. But now they do because everyone is brainwashed and gore and violence are a big part of doing that. That’s kinda about politics which I don’t want to discuss here. Last person that mentioned it that I saw I just blocked immediately. It’s not that I can’t takes what’s being said it’s just I do t want to hear it here. I think In the diary though you say whatever. I do t even wanna hear myself talk about it though.

So that’s it it’s cold and wet and snowing and it was defrosters on in the car today being out, which I didn’t want to be. Everything is not great, but my wife and I sorta shouted at each other mostly because we were at cross purposes in the doorway and couldn’t avoid it.

She’s moving around now without me and I can’t do anything about it which I hate but she’s a big girl and she can do what she wants. I just don’t wanna get blamed for it.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
My bff was very supportive yesterday he ha told his wife ‘shut up’, and she objected lol. No kitty for him for the foreseeable future. I get it, she was needling him. It is terrible to speak to one another like that when you’re married. You swore an oath not to behave like that but, people are fallen and so, things don’t do right. He doesn’t want to speak like that he’d rather cuddle lol. Speaking is a dominance thing as in, you can’t speak to me like that defining a boundary.

It makes you laugh which is also terrible behavior. : )

As for us my wife is pulling the same old stuff in the same old way. I’m trying to do something different in a different way. I want to smell her though. When I think about her, I almost faint lol. That’s a terrible power for someone to have over you!

so SNAFU! 😱💋❤️🌹
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Going around her is like a horror movie lol. So visceral. We exchanged a few words and I shoveled the driveway and cleaned her car off. I just have to be silent and stay away from her and I’m sure she’ll cut the cord. So be it, amen. When I saw it was going to be like this and I knew it, I told her no and I told her blah blah. I didn’t tell her about the CSA I didn’t know her . That’s a joke but I didn’t know it myself then and who can say is anything would be different? Point is, when she started the I don’t like you thing or I want a divorce after I married her I said “anytime, but you’re signing the paper first, and I’ll see you in hell”. Because I didn’t want to marry. Everything subsequently is a result of that and I’ll take the blame for 50%. But really? The sitch I’m in with her is my fault. My behavior my situation. So here we are all these years later and I have to go to work to get out of here and pay her anyway. That was why I got married, I wanted her. I didn’t want to not have her and have to pay her and her with my child. That whole thing was so stupid and ugly but sexy. I wanted to be with her always. I still do.

But like I said, that’s all the animal, that’s all sex. That’s what we are trying to take a break from. Not her, me. Whatever I just have to be quiet and not say anything. Talking ruins me.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
All my friends are gone and I have this, my diary, and that’s about it. I don’t know why I said that, what friends? lol). I’m not getting any. Since I had the nerve to counter my wife on her behavior with me she pulled out all the stops and “swelled up like a toad that doesn’t want to be swallowed by a snake”. A defense mechanism.

She has (she thinks) the moral high ground. But that morality is a matter of opinion. As in if she were telling me all this and I wanted to get with her I’d be agreeing she was abused and saying oh you poor thing but just so I could get in her pants. It’s a technique or method for maintenance of control.

It’s not on paper, it’s not written down. We don’t have an agreement because if we did I’d be able to point out when she wasn’t keeping her part of the bargain. She prefers not to be held to her agreements.

That’s not ship shape though and is no way to run an army, conduct a business or do anything else that requires cooperation.
So we don’t have any so nothing goes right, everything goes left or overboard.

She blames me and she has a point. That’s the war between the sexes though. Who is right? History takes the side of the winner usually. The fighting will kill one of us finally, the stress will make one of us give out physically. It’s been happening for a long while . You decline naturally with age .

But I’m holding up well this time. I just refuse to go along with it and I won’t speak or I’m trying really hard not to and doing ok because that’s how she gets at me when I speak. I haven’t been going to her about sex and insisting. There is a lot of non verbal communication because we can’t get out of each other’s way we are stuck in this little house. Sighs of disapproval.

But no yelling or banging or threats or bad behavior. I just won’t communicate and go on doing all her little jobs for her and being her servant . If I do the cooperation is all on one side mine. Just like always . Take what I give you in bed and so as you’re told in other words . Ah, no.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I took advantage of the social situation in our house to get back with my wife a little. Because I become afraid or have anxiety is a better way to say it. It’s funny the things that control out behavior. My wife won’t act up in front of other people even if it’s my son, just like his brother won’t cut up in front of him. Idk where these rules come from. Never air the dirty linen in public. So that means our relationship doesn’t get exposed in front of others. That part is her. Like I said my bff and I saved each other’s marriages because in our loneliness and desperation we confided in each other what the horrible shrews, I mean our lovely wives, were doing to us in private when nobody could see. It’s abuse man and it’s real. But it’s a trade off and nobody’s really getting all that much of what they want.

So we are at church now in the living room together which is neutral ground and I said to her cmon let’s be friends and she said I wanna stay quiet which means she don’t want me digging for sex at her and that’s fine I said I don’t want sex either. That’s not exactly how the exchange was I just said it’s sex that’s making things like that.
So, that’s not much, but it’s a start. I think things can be some other way between us. If or not that’s true remains to be seen. I don’t wanna go in fighting and I don’t wanna be mad and I don’t wanna be scared. Like I’m projecting onto her that’s she’s out to get me. Which she probably is. I wanted to be quiet anyway because like I said when I’m talking to her usually I’m trying to get into her pants lol.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We are reconciled but will stay silent. Just what has to be said. It’ll work awhile. Maybe longer. It’s an agreement without speaking, that’s my wife. If we aren’t having sex, it’s possible. It’ll work till I go to bed tonight at least, lol. Why worry behind that?

I made the bed we had lunch and breakfast and took a walk. The bed just got done I started it at 830. 2 loads of whites with bleach. Takes all day. That’s if you remember to start the washer and dryer. I might make dinner. I might not. If my wife didn’t cook the hamburger. I have to go look.

I didn’t think sex was doing this to me, to us. I knew I was irrational about it. I guess I didn’t know the difference. Hard to imagine. I feel dumb a lot but I think it’s just getting older . To late smart, as the saying goes.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I did make dinner. I feel good because I was all doom and gloom this morning which means I couldn’t take her abject disapproval of me, real or imagined, and thinking about how could we live apart and so on. I still feel like living apart but I’m not angry. Sex makes me angry or rather territorial. It’ll come back but it was building up this morning because I wasn’t getting any nice at all. I get really lonely. Especially for intimacy but I’ll just take nice for now. I don’t want all this wait and wait stuff? If we are going to do it, I wanna do it all the way. Nothing is better than the way we were doing it . Hurts too much. She would say I shouldn’t be like that, it shouldn’t hurt. Yeah right.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m up it’s the middle of the night so I stop trying to go to sleep and look at the phone awhile till I feel sleepy. We have a lot of unresolved stuff that won’t get done with us not talking but it’s probably better that way as long as we aren’t fighting. But I won’t go along with the fake husband routine and I won’t participate without an arrangement . That’s her scam she’s always running. I have to do what she thinks needs to be done but my needs are irrelevant. Unfortunately nothing works like that. There are too many questions about who has to do what and why. What’s going to happen and what isn’t and who decides.

if I start talking like that she says I’m complaining which is stupid. I understand though it’s her way she’s promiscuous meaning unsettled and I probably am too. Last minute fly by night behavior. No planning, just take everything as it comes. She does plan though but it’s more like schemes.

Anyway we have to do stuff or you miss out and nobody wants to do anything because nobody is getting enough of what they want. It’s nice to be friends and take care of what needs to be done but that don’t keep me warm in my bed at night.

Which is the same old argument. I don’t mind keeping house but it’s gotta be passionate in bed or I’m just not interested. The rest of it’s just not important enough. I know that sounds bad but it’s not . Saying sex isn’t important is just taking the moral high ground and that’s just saying I’m right and your wrong. When do we do what’s important to you? before what’s important to me or after or do we need somewhere in the middle ?

It never gets resolved really and most people get divorced . Now that we are interacting a little these things come up right away. Non decisions are decisions . Not deciding is deciding and doing nothing is doing something .
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Well girlfriend that went well lol. Even things that aren’t so great make me horny. What I thought was an issue last night wasn’t and everything went according to schedule this morning and we didn’t say a word I thought I’d have a spontaneous orgasm. She made me keep my mouth shut . She won’t let this go too long. I’m doing what she wants I can’t explain it. She will get the idea the spell is broken. She’s not about to let that happen. I could never help myself and I’d go running after her. Then she’d abuse me again. After all I came around asking for it. But not this time. Don’t worry I wouldn’t let myself be SO optimistic I’d get a let down. If I end up back in the same old cage, that’s ok too?

We went in the beach yesterday the 3 kids and I. It was sunny and not very cold I actually took my jacket off awhile and bared my shaved submissive head I love the feeling of being shorn. It means I’m someone’s.

But walking is good I got a pair of wind pants after returning them twice for size. I scotchguard my down coat. I meant to get rust oleum never wet, but I couldn’t remember the name of it.

We shared something online we have an interest in common. There are not a ton of things we both like but I found a channel by a professor at Gordon Cromwell theological seminary and I turned my wife into him. She had heard him before. It’s kinda unusual to binge watch lectures on theology but there it is. The history of Western civilization is church history and it’s so fascinating and we wouldn’t be going g through what we are societally if everyone wasn’t so dumb.

The morons in the streets think this is something new, but it’s the same old stuff. History repeats and if you don’t know history you’re doomed to repeat it. Covid is the flu. The brainwashing is metastasized. I guess we will get through it, but it’s so ugly. What I mean is I hope we do without too much upheaval, with out institutional violence. There was so much of it in the last century.

I really believe God called us to non violence. The urge to survive or self protect is so overwhelming though! Seems counterintuitive. : )

I always had a searching mind. I wanted to know things. Idk why the people I came from were simple. My dad was bright he was an artist and a pilot but he was a poor cute guy and not much at the fighting. It made him a recluse. But I remember I learned on my own when I was a senior in HS and I was in tough shape believe me full blown ptsd but I took a class called the Bible as literature. It made me understand my thinking wasn’t independent of my cultural environment. I thought I knew what right and wrong was or I was trying to figure it out? I didn’t know anything.

I get to take second daughter to her program thank goodness. I feel better.
 
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