I worked in the basement all day it has to be winterized.
That last sentence was from yesterday. I had a horrible night. Sex is my safe place.
I don’t like that whole concept but it is real. The therapist asked me the last two weeks to draw a picture which I won’t of my safe place. I won’t do anything for her same as my wife because she won’t behave. She won’t keep up with therapy. She assigns me things and she never mentions them the next week. She admitted it. I wish we were lovers except that’d be cheating and then I’d really feel awful. Sex is eating me alive lol and my wife is having none of it. I won’t go begging her and I realize every time I open my mouth I’m begging her. So I was going to cancel therapy but what the hell I’ll get her to flirt with me. At least that’s something positive. I’ll go back down and work all day downstairs. I’ll look on Craigslist and develop a job search but I usually put that off. Getting up and doing the downstairs and cleaning is better than nothing though. It gets me moving. I do want to get a job actually which is a new feeling. I might’ve been successful if she’d been in her proper place but she couldn’t so, she did what she could. I was helpless without her. I just knew when I needed her she wouldn’t be there and it killed me. We were never together except in bed. You know how that is.
You know all that stuff about the woman is biblical, but the old preacher, the one that explained it best? He said it’s between her and God and if she can’t do it, there’s nothing you can do with her. I know this is true and my whole understanding of theology is based on that same concept. Christianity is a God thing. God does it, not us. That’s what makes Christians so ugly, they try and do it in themselves, and it can’t be done. The body is 100% sinful and incapable of doing Gods things. No matter how hard you try to keep the law you break it in one place and you’re guilty of the whole, which is why they had to make sacrifices.
That’s Sunday school for today, even though it’s only Tuesday.
So I sort of went out in the kitchen this morning and whined at her which she told me where to get off. I shut up pretty quick and didn’t get heated . Maybe I’m getting smarter after all? I had like a horror night. I need to kiss and stuff to make me feel better.
We were talking a little I get so horny around her it’s stupid. I got busy again today, I’m always doing this I get up a couple days I go down a couple.
I cooked and went tho therapy I sit in the car down by the bay. I made a couple phone calls too. My doctor said my PSA score is up again. She sent it to the urologist . I haven’t heard from him. I have next to no symptoms . He will call me. They always want to operate. I’m disappointed my diet is not working enough to bring that down. I just made cabbage soup. I will try and go back downstairs for awhile. Keeping busy if I can.
My wife is trying to get back to the old dynamic, I do as well but I’m resisting it and I know what I’m resisting. She’s cruel but she thinks that’s ok. She can always justify it and what she does to me behind closed doors is no ones business as far ad she’s concerned and nobody’s going to tell her it’s abuse. Women get away with the wife thing but it’s not gender specific and plenty husbands so this to their wives. It’s who needs it more. It just becomes a tool or a weapon .
But we are chill and that’s all that matters no drama. I can’t take the drama. We have our poor handicapped kids we look after and nobody needs us acting up lol.
I actually got the laptop I must feel like writing. I hate typing on the iphone but that's because I didn't practice enough with the predictive word function. My wife did something to 'get my attention' which upset me but that's what she wanted to do. Upsetting me is her MO. I'm not feeling all threatened though. We are having health and old age and money and autistic kids problems. Makes the emotional stuff seem distant or it makes a good excuse. Point is my wife used to be able to scare me and now I don't care because that all was about sex. My wife just used sex to beat me over the head, or force me to do what she wants or get my attention or whatever she wanted. Threats. That's how she does her inner life. Naturally I get the brunt of it. It feels sad in a way not to be scared of her. I lived on that for so long. The adrenalin, the drama. I wouldn't have been able to say that a few months ago. That I was thriving on the drama. It's worse now because I want my new toy. That's what my wife called it. I think it's mean to say stuff like that to your lover. But you know a lot of that was her responding to me and my being submissive. It hardly matters. I'm trying to watch the iphone which is playing youtube and I can't do both lol.
Anyway phuck it. I'm holding up pretty good and I did a lot of stuff yesterday in spite of it being things that benefit her. I stayed in bed a couple weeks, I'm in bed now actually and I admit I'm signaling her. But I don't want to go back to her way. Too painful. I have to wait and let her come around. It's going to take a lot to get her to do that but I'm doing pretty well meaning no getting angry and actually getting up and moving around and getting something done. I don't mind any of that I just gotta know we are gonna take care of business and she never gave me that, she never made me feel secure about that. Like I was always afraid of her saying no and then standing there pushing me out the door and saying "ok now go out and be more than a conqueror" even though you can't win at home. Lol. Can't!
I got out an old Oscar Schmitt classical guitar I bought years ago. It’s a mini or small body. I know now why it sounded awful when I used to try and play it, wrong style. I knew it had a beautiful sound for a small inexpensive instrument but I couldn’t get it to sound nice. I learned a classical piece inadvertently online and that means I learned the chords. Even though I’m not playing the piece correctly it’s still so hauntingly beautiful on that guitar. I learned the piece because a really hot girl was playing it on a YouTube . The girls are all really hot lol. Anyway classical guitar music sounds really great when you play it on a classical guitar. I’m cleaning out the cellar (in a figure) and it turned up. I dont buy junk as a rule. It’s a little beauty in spite of sitting in closets in cellars for most of its life . Sounds nice. I’ll put new strings on it.
I’m lying down. I did some more downstairs and I have to her he rubbish ready because I worked on it this week and everyone else always is so now there is a pile. Empty cardboard and so on. I can’t throw boxes out right away. Not till I’m sure I won’t want to return whatever it is. There is also an old flat screen. Everything must go. Trying to clean up our junk is really depressing but we need that space.
My wife’s hilding our and me too. It’s gonna be really hard but I just don’t want the transactional nature of the sex arrangement anymore. Which in the shirt hand means I don’t want to be married anymore. Because that’s probably the only way out of it. She won’t knock it off. Feels like if your not doing it in bed though anything could happen because why bother? I don’t feel like going g out to work to get out of her way though that’s Christian thing to do that’s for sure. I did the church thing this week on Sunday in spite of not wanting anything to do with her. I’m sure she wants nothing to do with me either fairs fair. I do no being quiet works . It gets kinda spooky boy she’s like a clam my wife. Not a talker.
I’m holding up but not so great. I’m always going by her and talking you know running it up the flag pole lol. She’s adamant though, I’m on punishment. I feel like she wants me to win, to force her or win her love. When I’ve insisted in the past and tried to apologize she acts like I’m supposed to do that meaning make her. I’m not like that though. It’s awful being submissive in a world that expects you to force others. Force can be applied with kindness meaning inspiring people to do what you want them to do. In practice though I don't see this. People behave because they have to and they work because they have to and they do what’s right because they have to. Nobody does the right thing, is a quote from one of my favorite movies.
But I’m just a dumb ass. This was how she was behaving when I met her and I fell for it anyway lol. Shows you what passion brings. I am trying to force her in a way by taking myself away from her. I’m pretty sure she can live without me though lol. I can live without her though too. I’m in sex love with her though and that makes it really hard. I want her orgasm. I always wanted her to want me. Ah well, another day in the trenches.
Do you think you communicate with your spouse telepathically? This is like one of those questions on a psych evaluation. I should make this a thread. I’m always trying to influence her about sex like when I’m lying in the bed alone or even when we were in bed together like I want her to roll over, you submissives know what that means, you get the back lol.
You know there is no rational discussion available about anything? Because you just get involved in circular reasoning meaning I’m right and you’re wrong and vice versa. This is a post from “the far side” is that still around? It was a comic strip that came to mind today when I was watching some nutty stuff on YouTube.
Religion and politics come to mind and sex of course.
But all this comes back to that same thing, “who says so”, meaning who says what’s right and what’s wrong.
Right and wrong is subjective. We wanna say it’s not but what happens when we get pushed? It isn’t hard to get people to kill institutionally. My own son is home from the military where he was taught among other things, to kill the ‘enemy’.
So I like the non violence angle the best and believe me they’ll kill you for that. The maharaj and Jesus taught essentially the same thing. The maharaj just doesn’t really interject the overarching authority. He still says ‘be good’ though, as it’s the only thing that makes sense.
But we can’t be good and that’s the rub. Being non violent comes pretty close which is probably why it’s nearly impossible. I recall Don Juan said to Carlitos “You have such incredible violence in your thoughts”. You know we glorify it. The “man of action”. King David purportedly was one such fellow and a favorite of Gods.
But when they found out that Jesus wasn’t, they sold him. He didn’t deliver, couldn’t produce.
I digress but you probably know what I mean. Everyone and everything has gone crazy now. I’ve been waiting for it. The maharaj says things come and go, rise and fall, ebb and flow in the world of duality. Christ said I’m coming back to save you from all this.
I’ll go to church. They can find me there if they come to get us, even though my theology wouldn’t line up with about ninety percent of the people in any church I might go to. They are coming to get us believe me. Who us ends up being depends on who is stronger. History is written by the winners.
Im not really worried about what happens or being afraid of all that? I’m worried about being afraid of my wife lol!
My wife spoke to me quietly this morning. That means I won. It mightn’t seem like much and it’s not. But I could make something of it. I hadn’t spoken in fact I’d sort of resolved to take the thing to the next level. Just in terms of being silent and separate. No noises no faces no hinting in any direction. Flat affect was a term we learned in dealing with our daughters shared handicap. No emotion. Don’t feel it. That’s the real win I suppose, not that I beat her in any way, but that I accomplished it. It’s hard not to want sex. I really like her lol.
Someone woke me so now I’m up it’s the middle of the night. I expect to be awake anyway after I get up to go to the bathroom. Im having nights where I’m up a few hours more often than not.
I trying to turn the tales on my wife without throwing the baby out with the bath water. Those have to go in th other thread. But seriously my bff an I were laughing on the phone yesterday about how the women abuse is by withholding sex and you know what? It’s BS that we put up with it. He says might as well not rock the boat and I started yelling that he was telling me to take it and keep quiet because of the damage I’d cause myself if I kept trying to have a voice and he laughed and said he’d been doing it for 35 years. It is funny but it’s also really abuse. A kind of not talked about DV that women get away with. And this in this age of women’s lib. I think we need mend lib for us poor pussy whipped pricks. I know men do it to their wives and in actuality this is what happens in all of life when you’re fair with people they walk all over you. Probably it comes from being nice and not wanting to force your wife to behave and this is what you get if you aren’t strong enough. You have to beg her for sex. Lots of men would rather be out drinking gambling and chasing women. I like my wife . She likes me too just not often enough. Well never right now lol.
This is just up at night rather be getting laid bitching.
honestly I’m trying to say no to her but she has me in every way just about. I’m trying to say no but I have a big erection always and it wants to think for me. I wanna let it.