About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
She really let me have It yesterday because I crossed her. It’s a pattern. We’ve had one argument. All these years the same argument. Everyone always wants to go you did or didn’t do this or that as though the circumstances or right or wrong matter. It’s the power. Who’s on top. Who says what’s right. If you get to say what’s right or wrong what I think doesn’t matter. Because you said so. Women are all like this. I’ve heard this from so many men. Fighting yelling breaking things running out of the house breaking up crying.

That’s why some guys avoid women. I must like abuse. : ). “I’ve got the milk of human kindness by the quart in every vein”.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Kiss me once, and kiss me twice lol. What a life . She always accuses me of seecrets and I’m having some secret fun with something of hers. I have secrets because when I trust her she throws it in my face later when she’s mad. She did that yesterday. Men are ugly with women when that happens to them one too many times, it hurts.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We kinda reconcile a bit which means I go to her and she acts like she was wronged, which is nonsense. I wanted more sex than she would give me and even that’s not really true it was the way she was doing it. But I got a lot of truth out there. I backed off because her behavior was getting worse meaning I was feeling unsafe but there was no reason. Unsafe meaning we have to break up and go through all that. We didn’t make love , not yet she had to make me wait a little more first. Ah well, what else is new. It hasn’t killed me. I will say though it’s overwhelming. Like thinking about sex in bed is a whole body thing. It’s an ache. The therapist says my wife is afraid Of her passion , she said for me, I think lol. I can see that in the way she is, her behavior around and reactions to making love . My wife holds back but her body talks in a different language . It’s all good, never easy.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I misread my wife on the whole thing or I had her right but I couldn’t see it properly. So a lot of her being scary is me attributing that to her or giving her that power. Like I said I don’t like winning which means I’m submissive and it’s difficult to stand up for yourself when you wanna submit for love. She wants to be loved and not submit but she lacks something that would make her complete, the male gender lol. Boy she would’ve been hard to deal with. I knew she’d pull this so I’ll wait. I am always all set to bend over for her though it’s pathetic. But I’ll let it be quiet for now . I understand she “cant”. Neither of us can. That’s why it’s like this oh well. There’s always positive thinking lol!
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I sense some disappointment from the other side but the truce is maintained and silence reigns. I think she thought she got her little bitch back and I was going to behave. The problem with that is it goes back to how it was which was why i started this rebellion in the first place. I feel good . I’m holding off the hurt
feelings. : )

For me it’s a big deal.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Wanting her and not wanting her and meditation all reached a new high or low last night idk which. Physically though it’s intense. I haven’t masturbated which means have and orgasm. I being myself to the point of orgasm about 5 times a day and then at night too. Lol. I rotate between my selves which means disassociate I suppose. I want her to make love with me but I don’t want her to be able to kick me around and I’m done talking about it. Phuck it. That’s only one of us though. Two actually. The love part is gold the way she mis behaves about and keeps it from me is abuse. All I ever did was tell her how beautiful she is and his much i love her. But you want what you can’t have . Everyone is like that.

We are walking. It’s beautiful. I feel a little better, I’m reading LOTR. I wish I had something to kiss. 💋
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I keep meaning to write this, it’s funny what makes it onto the paper and what doesn’t. I have to keep track of the fact we are not fighting.0. Because I keep fighting her in my head so if she does say anything I’m ready to jump on her. But we aren’t fighting because we haven’t spoken. I decided to remove myself from view because I know I try to get myself in front of her so she has to notice. One of my daughters is like a house wren, always just in the edge of sight, always trying to make herself invisible. I did that this morning. I said good morning then I stayed out I’d sight. I think part of it is wanting to check on her always too which, I’m sure drives her crazy. So that’s where it is and I’m holding up reasonably well considering I’m way in love with her physically. It’s hard to say I can’t have it and I have to stay that’s my lot, as though she were sick physically. Like if your wife ended up In the hospital you wouldn’t be like ok great now I can have sex with her friend, because that’d mean she was right, you really are a scum bag lol.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We are both right which is like saying she’s a woman and I’m a man. I’m ok. I’m worried about my prostate which I’m aware of. Reading lord of the rings a little. I leave it open on a page in my phone . I read it in my twenties the same way. All my life . Reading is escaping for me it was In fifth grade. Because I knew that zwx was going on. What I read was very soothing. The sex part of me was awake and I’m dealing with it still. When I feel like sex I am aware of him. Me the little boy. I never was a little boy. Just like I’m not a man. And both of those things are real at the same time . I wanna flirt with the therapist to get even with my wife revenge flirting. I know the therapist has feelings for me. If she doesn’t, she has a funny way of showing it. I’m very lonely for a woman physically. I wanna be in my bed or yours lol, with my eyes closed and suk and suk. My wife can disagree lol. She’s just being mean though. what she’s saying is I don’t care about he feelings . What hat means is her feelings are important and mine are not. She’s disagreeing.

Because we live in duality anyone can take that, or anything else where there are two sides, and pick one and say this sides right . The plain hard truth about life is who says so and my wife lives and dies by that except where it comes to me. Then she makes an exception. She knows she has a husband but she wants me to obey her . Simple. My wife’s been hitting me i the head with a Bible thirty years and tells me I should be good hahahah. But when you carry a bible around it means YOU are good or you wish to be and are making a public acknowledgement of that. A pronouncement and a Profession. You are not supposed to point at others.

She hasn’t a leg to stand on but I’m the one not getting laid.

I’m gonna read the maharaj. It should be my daily reading . My son got his job offer and is leaving evidently we got news yesterday. This is good of course it should make sex easier. I wouldn’t have let him come here. His behavior was a disgrace and my wife did that on purpose to to “get” me. She can be a real beauty .
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m ok I’m worried how I’m feeling is cancer idk how else to say it. Something funny just happened the sermon on the radio was about marital intimacy.

My old lady don’t believe in backing down though. Lol

There is a favorite quote of mine from Tolkien. It was another the monster or one of them. The spider. I named one of my cats after it.

The spider was attacking, being a spider, they had wandered into its web, and Frodo or Sam starts yelling about Elbereth or Elendil, which is to say “God help me.” The spider it says in the story, had heard they yell in the depths of time and it didn’t stop her then and it wasn’t about to stop her now.

This is what I say when anyone asks me if I’ve tried to ‘reason’ with my wife lol.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
My sons leaving. Separate post, can’t quite get there this morning. These don’t work as reminders because I don’t look back at my last post. I should for continuity.

I can hardly bring myself to it.

He is my namesake, Mach123 the second, my wife refused to call him Jr. He is the most like my wife I think. That’s subjective but he is. So I hate and love him. He can do things he is very capable but he won’t act until someone forces him. Even himself. He reminds mow of Martin sheens character in apocalypse now. He is lying around a hotel involved in everything he shouldn’t be and they come get him and say time for work. He can pull himself out of it and do it. He’s a killer. He probably isn’t fond of his profession, just good at it. He probably didn’t choose it, wasn’t done with his volition, That’s my kid. He could have done so much. There are quite a few of us like that In The family.

So he was quite a pain in the ass and his behavior disgraceful the whole time my wife let him flop here, same as the last time she did the same thing. They both did. I can’t stand any of them lol.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
“Summertime and the livin is easy”.

I feel like go phuck yourselves all of you but it’s a nice on top feeling . I don’t need you and I do t care about you. It’s only the love that ties the whine thing together and if you aren’t going to give me your love then I won’t give you mine.

It’s like saying I have rights lol. Just smile when you say it.

I’m out on a limb but I’m ok kinda short tempered. I hate typing on my iPhone it’s frustrating. Not being able to relax is you know who not being able to release. I’m going to avoid her today I don’t want to see her if she’s friendly with me it kills me. I want to yell at her about all the damage she’s doing all of us being naughty.

Same as it ever was. Girlfriends give you a break but wives don’t . They don’t have to.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Tough to keep the faith right now. Maybe a new prescription for arthritis today. Saying everything is wrong sums it up. I’m working hard on attitude. All or nothing efficacy. Positive thinking is only good if it works while you’re dying, not when things are good.

But if you don’t mention you’re unhappy or make any reference to it, no body knows, decreasing the unhappiness footprint globally . Little things make me happy. I like to kiss.

Much ado here about everything. My kids going back into the ether meaning out of my hair. This time I won’t complain about not hearing from him. It’s as much his mother’s fault but I just hate all of them lol. Sex is the only thing that calms me down. If I’m not satisfied I feel like putting up with my family is way too much. After all, I’m obviously too much because she’s not doing right by me, which is why I’m in this shape. As always I refuse to do sex by myself , I won’t give her the satisfaction.

Anyway my kid will be gone and good riddance to bad wear. I love him. He’s a disgrace . Comes from his mom. Her behavior with men. That includes all of us since we are all “her men”.

I’m maintaining right now not depressed. I sure wish I had someone’s back to rub . No charge.
 
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