About me being a girl

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m ok now tough night and morning. Not speaking had to be one total silence between my wife and I. My explanation will be one sided naturally, my side. I had therapy yesterday she was great. Like a best girlfriend who you always wish was your lover. Lovers are often not as understanding as therapists? Lol.

Butbi can’t small talk and stuff with her getting away with not sleeping with me. If we were single it’d be different. I’m not saying she can’t I’m saying I can’t. So you don’t get to have me do things.

This is why it has to be completely silent. I can go without food but not without sex. So, if you are gonna intentionally do that to me to influence me? It’s the same as raping me or keeping me in a cage. She knows this which makes it more horrible but she’d never admit it. Of course I think she’s a little more at fault.

But I can do it. I just can’t talk. Sex is in my mouth mostly and that’s what I use it for even when I’m talking. So if she makes me use my mouth I wanna use it on her and kiss her tummie. Lol. I don’t consider that a very harsh punishment for a woman. For anyone. But if we don’t talk at all I can avoid all that. Problem is, then I wanna go looking for someone who does need a bj. I’ve been over all that though lol. Me and my ‘love’.

The silent treatment (here it comes finally what I wanted to say) is because I have gone back to begging her about 4 times and she’s grooming me. The therapist jumped on me using that word. But that is how it is. She likes to make me beg and hold me off like I’m a donkey doing the carrot and stick thing and I should have told her phuck that long ago but, what women call spousal abuse, WIVES do to HUSBANDS with IMPUNITY. When I’m begging she hits me with the foulest abuse imaginable so why would I keep going back? Because I have nowhere else to go I can’t commit infidelity because that would give her the game. The wife has the husband in every way. It used to be the other way around I know, but not now.

That’s the problem with letting someone up who was down. Getting up isn’t good enough.

So no talking now because it makes me want her too much and if it’s no sex then c ya. I know it’s unreasonable but she’s my instrument and I love to play it. She can yell all she wants but when she has that orgasm I know we are vibrating at the same frequency. Hummmmmmmmmmm.

: )

As I always have with this horrible beast of a woman, I guess I’ll just have to be patient.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
If I’m quiet the disharmony can’t come out of my mouth. She won’t say anything. I got her to react yesterday by moving around her and staying out of her line of sight and not looking at her. If I chat and make small talk it hurts and I don’t want to, because that’s where the trouble come from. So I’m really not participating. Because all of her behavior is designed to make me do or stop me from doing X, ignoring her is a suitable response.

I managed to meditate last night and it was a real relief to let go a lot of negativity I’ve been holding onto about this nonsense in my relationship. Letting go seems to mean not caring and that’ll do for now. Trying to care hurts too much.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m here alone. I didn’t know of course that’d be happening today because my wife makes it so nobody knows what’s going on. I’ve said that about a million times. I remember I guy I worked with picked up on that. I had never thought of it. He wasn’t the only one who told me she was, well she is how she is. He said she keeps all you guys slightly off balance.

My son is trying to move to a new state for a new job so naturally he’s taking the opportunity to share his upset with us. I mean, what are parents for right? My wife is in her element. One crisis to the next and nobody around ever to pick up the mess.

Except I do the house work which I’ve broken up to a little everyday or every other day. It seems easier. I tried to tell my wife our whole lives together the house has to be cleaned daily. She agrees, but only if you can afford servants to do it.
Because it’s not about to be done by her.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Silent mouth sex. Not necessarily in that order. It sounds like a thing or a sentence, and it could be. The other way is being nice. Earrings and make up and all that about making herself presentable. Like a present with a ribbon or a bow. Shhhh. Do you promise you won’t tell?

That’s like poetry, because all those words are indirect. Poems are supposed to make you feel something.

So I’ve toyed with silence for all this time all these years? I make sounds because i want them to be heard i noticed. So sound is a primary correction to the world around.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Speaking of silence I’m spending ? Hours daily on guitar. The rest of the time I spend on sex meaning, being off sex. Im trying to disappear like disassociate. I was just thinking about what to write and that came to me. Im being abused to the enth by having sex denied me but when a woman does this everyone just laughs. Like don't let her. But you’ve heard all this. So have i, and she has too for that matter.

So on the guitar I’m learning fingerstyle still, forward picking thumb index middle ring. I learned it backwards because i was picking already. Then i came on a lesson, same teacher, amd he was like, thisnis simple just pick forward. Couldn’t do it. I can do ring middle index thumb, that only took a few days once i was exposed to it.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Brawling this morning. I made the classic mistake of thinking her being nice to me, grooming me, meant sex. It means she wants something. She wants or is taking another crazy car trip using the kids as an excuse. Now i have to go away and be quiet. The only thing left is for me to get away feom her because she’ll never stop torturing me. She dies things i know are bad for the family. Naturally she says the same about me. But she does scary stuff because she’s never afraid of anything. The man tries to restore order lol. She holds me out over a pit and says ill drop you, then she says i don’t make her feel safe.

I know its love and I should be willing to sacrifice LOL. I’m frail. Im only a poor human. She needs Prince Charming, = superman.

I’m a long ways from that.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Words are so irrelevant. They are just representative of feelings that we are struggling to express and can’t because words can’t express it, can’t do it justice.

I changed my meditation a little last night and it worked. It changed by itself which scared me a little because that’s how the maharaj said it would happen.

I feel good. Its hard to know what to do with that.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We took a walk in the rain yesterday. Only my son and I. Muggy but we weren’t too hot because it was windy from the SE

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There’s the full moon, the sunset and the rain. The tides been way out because the moon is full.

My soldier is leaving this week which makes me happy and sad at the same time.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
We managed to talk and be sorta friends this morning. I attribute that to reading the maharaj which she would call blasphemy so we are a match made in hell. But i like friendly and talking i even asked her come to bed for hugs only, i’m about that desperate to be touched. If i start whining like that, she just laughs at me. I just have to get over the sex thing. Which goes ofter out of my control. I should be ashamed to admit that but what’s shame after everything we've been through? I wanna keep it up though because trying to be friends has to move closer to what i want. I was going to give up and do ‘it’ myself to see if id be less crazy but it didn’t happen quick and I wanted that as a sign that i should wait. Now i’m in the other room quiet. I wanna kiss n stuff lol.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I have to write this briefly it’s painful. I think ive made myself sick again with vitamins. Seems so innocent and i have myself thinking I’m dying. My wife says I'm the worst hypochondriac ever . First time I remember it was that joint stuff condroiten? Idk. It gave me such pain in the joints it was unimaginable. Im on C powder and calcium right now. Its making (i think) my prostate act up and pains in the guts. Im up all night thinking I'm dying from cancer. My wife who has seen me do this over and over asks me, what are you taking? whenever i say, I'm dying. Somehow i block it out. The fact i feel sick never relates to the new vitamins or the vitamins I'm being real careful to take every day right now. She said self destruction was my thing.
 
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