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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Mach123" data-source="post: 1717884" data-attributes="member: 19597">It’s Christmas morning, Merry Christmas. I’m so different, even just saying that.  Saying I’m different and I can I was such an unhappy grinch always but, that was my PTSD.  I don’t care what people are doing or not anymore.  People used to say “Don’t let it bother you”.I couldn’t do it.Now things are bothering me less because as I leave other people alone I leave me alone too.  I was always thinking about what other people expected me to do which led to me thinking about what they should do.  I thought being a pacifist meant you didn’t care.But you didn’t want me caring about you, believe me. I didn’t want me caring about me either. It was awful. Self care meant self torture or abuse.That’s all pretty horrible stuff to say, but I lived that.I care, believe me.  It doesn’t mean the same thing though. I couldn’t ever look beyond the pain I was always feeling, which was the pain from the trauma, and it was real.  I was trying to hide it always.  I was SO desperately trying to hide always, because of shame.Feeling aloof is sort of terrifying.  But you need a certain aloofness to avoid morbidity.What all this means is I can do a little self care now, which means me and the people around me.  When I can let me be ok, I can let them be ok.  That was one of the really old self help books, “I’m ok, you’re ok”.  I can feel a little better now because I can do this, just a little.</blockquote>

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