KaffeinatedKatie
New Here
My entire adult life has been the same story. Be unemployed, in financial ruins, and a disappointment to everybody for a few months, finally get a job and make everyone happy, slowly begin to have terrible attendance and then quit job ... repeat. I haven't kept anything for more than 7 or 8 months or so, ever. I'm so sick of myself. I just want to be normal.
I started a job about a month and a half ago that on the surface is perfect. I can't rationally complain about it, except for a few little things, which is the case with all jobs. At first it went fine, but as expectations started to increase, I just couldn't meet them. It's so hard to explain to anybody. On the surface I look like someone who would be perfect at an admin job ... friendly, "responsible," reasonably intelligent. But the reality is that I can't be on top of anything. I can't keep up with my own schedule or to do list, let alone be expected to manage those for other people. There were just so many expectations I couldn't meet. And I did try. I don't do this on purpose.
And then the day came last week when I just froze. The anxiety had been building and I hadn't been able to think about anything but dreading going into work, and being confronted with mistakes I had made the day prior that still hadn't been resolved. I didn't plan on not going, but at the last minute I still hadn't gotten myself ready. So I did what I always do ... I called and made up a lie. I said my car wouldn't start, and I would be there as soon as I could.
I continued with the car story all morning, trying to will myself to just go in. Finally I tried something I've never tried before ... I told the truth, albeit by email. I said I have PTSD and I just can't come in today. I asked if a leave of absence would be possible, and to my surprise they were willing to do it (although my direct supervisor seems pretty pissed).
But I'm not going to be any better at the job in a few weeks or a few months. I'm in therapy, but it hasn't gone very far in terms of me making any big changes.
It's a job I can't do. There are too many aspects of it that are the opposite of my personality. Mainly focusing (and not being semi-dissociated all day long), being on top of things and not forgetting things, being able to develop "networks" of leads/contacts and be super outgoing. I can't do any of it. But there is nothing I can do. Every job out there requires things that at the end of the day, despite my best efforts, I just can't do.
I'm so tired of not being normal, and being looked down on, and everybody being disappointed in me. My fiance is always telling me "There are plenty of people out there who don't like their job. I don't always want to go to work, but I just do it. That's part of being an adult." I tell myself this too, and yet there always comes a morning where my body just doesn't move. There is just so much dread. It's so hard to explain it to normal, functioning people.
There isn't one main thing. It's every part of the day. Every little confrontation of which there are many because I make so many mistakes. Lately my face has started to turn red so easily when my manager closes the door to my office and sits down, and I know it's time to talk about something I've done wrong. I can tell that it is red because I can feel it, and she all the sudden tries to act nicer and obviously feels bad.
Is it really all from things that happened so long ago? My PTSD comes from childhood physical/sexual abuse. Maybe I would have been this way anyway. I don't know.
I'm afraid to tell my therapist that I'm not working when I see her next week. She already hasn't seen me make any progress whatsoever in 6 months, and now we're going backwards.
Anyway, just came here to vent. Any words of encouragements appreciated. :)
I started a job about a month and a half ago that on the surface is perfect. I can't rationally complain about it, except for a few little things, which is the case with all jobs. At first it went fine, but as expectations started to increase, I just couldn't meet them. It's so hard to explain to anybody. On the surface I look like someone who would be perfect at an admin job ... friendly, "responsible," reasonably intelligent. But the reality is that I can't be on top of anything. I can't keep up with my own schedule or to do list, let alone be expected to manage those for other people. There were just so many expectations I couldn't meet. And I did try. I don't do this on purpose.
And then the day came last week when I just froze. The anxiety had been building and I hadn't been able to think about anything but dreading going into work, and being confronted with mistakes I had made the day prior that still hadn't been resolved. I didn't plan on not going, but at the last minute I still hadn't gotten myself ready. So I did what I always do ... I called and made up a lie. I said my car wouldn't start, and I would be there as soon as I could.
I continued with the car story all morning, trying to will myself to just go in. Finally I tried something I've never tried before ... I told the truth, albeit by email. I said I have PTSD and I just can't come in today. I asked if a leave of absence would be possible, and to my surprise they were willing to do it (although my direct supervisor seems pretty pissed).
But I'm not going to be any better at the job in a few weeks or a few months. I'm in therapy, but it hasn't gone very far in terms of me making any big changes.
It's a job I can't do. There are too many aspects of it that are the opposite of my personality. Mainly focusing (and not being semi-dissociated all day long), being on top of things and not forgetting things, being able to develop "networks" of leads/contacts and be super outgoing. I can't do any of it. But there is nothing I can do. Every job out there requires things that at the end of the day, despite my best efforts, I just can't do.
I'm so tired of not being normal, and being looked down on, and everybody being disappointed in me. My fiance is always telling me "There are plenty of people out there who don't like their job. I don't always want to go to work, but I just do it. That's part of being an adult." I tell myself this too, and yet there always comes a morning where my body just doesn't move. There is just so much dread. It's so hard to explain it to normal, functioning people.
There isn't one main thing. It's every part of the day. Every little confrontation of which there are many because I make so many mistakes. Lately my face has started to turn red so easily when my manager closes the door to my office and sits down, and I know it's time to talk about something I've done wrong. I can tell that it is red because I can feel it, and she all the sudden tries to act nicer and obviously feels bad.
Is it really all from things that happened so long ago? My PTSD comes from childhood physical/sexual abuse. Maybe I would have been this way anyway. I don't know.
I'm afraid to tell my therapist that I'm not working when I see her next week. She already hasn't seen me make any progress whatsoever in 6 months, and now we're going backwards.
Anyway, just came here to vent. Any words of encouragements appreciated. :)