• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

About to be 30 and still can't keep a job

Status
Not open for further replies.
My entire adult life has been the same story. Be unemployed, in financial ruins, and a disappointment to everybody for a few months, finally get a job and make everyone happy, slowly begin to have terrible attendance and then quit job ... repeat. I haven't kept anything for more than 7 or 8 months or so, ever. I'm so sick of myself. I just want to be normal.

I started a job about a month and a half ago that on the surface is perfect. I can't rationally complain about it, except for a few little things, which is the case with all jobs. At first it went fine, but as expectations started to increase, I just couldn't meet them. It's so hard to explain to anybody. On the surface I look like someone who would be perfect at an admin job ... friendly, "responsible," reasonably intelligent. But the reality is that I can't be on top of anything. I can't keep up with my own schedule or to do list, let alone be expected to manage those for other people. There were just so many expectations I couldn't meet. And I did try. I don't do this on purpose.

And then the day came last week when I just froze. The anxiety had been building and I hadn't been able to think about anything but dreading going into work, and being confronted with mistakes I had made the day prior that still hadn't been resolved. I didn't plan on not going, but at the last minute I still hadn't gotten myself ready. So I did what I always do ... I called and made up a lie. I said my car wouldn't start, and I would be there as soon as I could.

I continued with the car story all morning, trying to will myself to just go in. Finally I tried something I've never tried before ... I told the truth, albeit by email. I said I have PTSD and I just can't come in today. I asked if a leave of absence would be possible, and to my surprise they were willing to do it (although my direct supervisor seems pretty pissed).

But I'm not going to be any better at the job in a few weeks or a few months. I'm in therapy, but it hasn't gone very far in terms of me making any big changes.

It's a job I can't do. There are too many aspects of it that are the opposite of my personality. Mainly focusing (and not being semi-dissociated all day long), being on top of things and not forgetting things, being able to develop "networks" of leads/contacts and be super outgoing. I can't do any of it. But there is nothing I can do. Every job out there requires things that at the end of the day, despite my best efforts, I just can't do.

I'm so tired of not being normal, and being looked down on, and everybody being disappointed in me. My fiance is always telling me "There are plenty of people out there who don't like their job. I don't always want to go to work, but I just do it. That's part of being an adult." I tell myself this too, and yet there always comes a morning where my body just doesn't move. There is just so much dread. It's so hard to explain it to normal, functioning people.

There isn't one main thing. It's every part of the day. Every little confrontation of which there are many because I make so many mistakes. Lately my face has started to turn red so easily when my manager closes the door to my office and sits down, and I know it's time to talk about something I've done wrong. I can tell that it is red because I can feel it, and she all the sudden tries to act nicer and obviously feels bad.

Is it really all from things that happened so long ago? My PTSD comes from childhood physical/sexual abuse. Maybe I would have been this way anyway. I don't know.

I'm afraid to tell my therapist that I'm not working when I see her next week. She already hasn't seen me make any progress whatsoever in 6 months, and now we're going backwards.

Anyway, just came here to vent. Any words of encouragements appreciated. :)
 
On the surface I look like someone who would be perfect at an admin job ... friendly, "responsible," reasonably intelligent. But the reality is that I can't be on top of anything. I can't keep up with my own schedule or to do list, let alone be expected to manage those for other people.
t's a job I can't do. There are too many aspects of it that are the opposite of my personality. Mainly focusing (and not being semi-dissociated all day long), being on top of things and not forgetting things, being able to develop "networks" of leads/contacts and be super outgoing. I can't do any of it.

Okay... so admin is out. Which also probably means any kind of retail or customer service is also out (same skill sets, different locations).

What others kinds of jobs have you tried & found to be non-starters?

But there is nothing I can do. Every job out there requires things that at the end of the day, despite my best efforts, I just can't do

I have a suspicion here, and could be totally wrong (hence my Q’s above), that is laying money on your having been going after the same types of job, and having the same types of experience / employment arc. ((Women’s jobby-jobs tend to be admin/ retail/ customer service; men’s jobby-jobs tend to be construction/ manual labor/ driving. Although there’s a little bit of crossover, not a whole lot.))

There have been a few times in my life where I simply cannot work. I’ve never gone on disability, but PTSD is included in the list of qualifying disorders for a reason, it’s not an uncommon phenomenon to not be able to work for awhile, or even ever again.

This doesn’t sound to me like where you’re at, because you are working, but the jobs you’ve been choosing you suck at & burn out in within a few months. Then it takes you a few more months to get back to being able to work, get another job that is going to eat you alive, burn out, rinse lather repeat.

So I’m laying money on this being more cognitive distortion rather than reality. Although, as I said, I could be totally wrong.
 
Last edited:
Hell, I could never do an admin type job! Waaaaaay too much pressure! Maybe there’s something else better suited for you?
 
Okay... so admin is out. Which also probably means any kind of retail or customer service is also out (s...

Before I got into admin I did childcare forever. I've pretty much worked at every childcare center in this county and the next. There was something about that job that I also couldn't do ... Probably just the fact that it is a burnout job to begin with. I actually was the director of a childcare center for about 6 months. TERRIBLE anxiety 24/7 with that one. I don't know what else to do. I have my bachelor's degree in psychology (which only took me 11 years of starting and failing and starting again to complete). A pretty generic degree. I'm not in a position to go to grad school or anything, so I'm kind of stuck with just that. I really don't know what I would qualify for that wouldn't make me fall apart. I'm constantly googling/searching. I just don't know.

You may be right about it being a cognitive distortion. I am just so fed up with myself. I'm so tired of letting everyone down.
 
Hi Katie
I don't think medication is the ONLY answer but it has helped me A LOT. I basically could no...
I do take meds, but nothing for anxiety as so far anything for anxiety has made me zone out/dissociate a lot worse than I already do. I have an appt. this week though with my psych. so I will bring it up.
 
My entire adult life has been the same story. Be unemployed, in financial ruins, and a disapp...
My first reply to anyone is to you. I'm my partners primary supporter so Im not a sufferer but I really loved how you wrote this ! I think writing is your 'thing' ...... It has such voice ! I saw and felt your story as if I were a co-worker watching it all play out. Explore that talent !
 
I just relate to this so much....same kind of thing. BS Psychology, almost 30, so many jobs, so much exhaustion and such. And I have autism on top of PTSD. :(

Offers hugs. Wish life could be easier for us.
 
I wish I had advice. I'm the same way. I have a chemistry degree but always get burn out on jobs. Both my mental and physical health suffer than I spent months recovering to find another job. It sucks having to explain those employment gaps also.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top