Absurd Ptsd about favourite hobby (coding)

Status
Not open for further replies.
U

User5558

This souds really absurd and im posting this because i have never found anything about this and this is my only hope also im a teenager
I Did coding on scratch.mit.edu (and still do) thre is a new scratcher scratcher user rank system that was made to avoid spam i guess i always loved coding it's my favourite thing to do for years i coded jappily without any bad feelings but there was always that become a scratcher button on my profile page i always thought it was make a new account link that anyone could see for years that was there, then one day it happened. I decided to click it Then i realized that i never had the scratcher rank and never for all those years i never was a real scratcher i said it was almost half of my life (but my profile page joined ago thkng says otherwise i don't know if it was a bug or do i just remember it wrong) I started to cry, I was in panic terror after that day my life was never the same. I don't remember a day it wasn't in my mind after that i started avoiding coding for months i avoided but then i was like NO! I can't avoid this it's my favourite thing to do but when i went to do it my whole body was agaist it i almost had to close the program the quality of my projects also went down i just quickly did the project shared it and let it be so yes i do get triggired by coding and also old projects too i almost never return to those they remind me of the time my ptsd was at it's worst or the times i didn't have this terrible curse i felt like do i really like this anymore? Should i just quit? No but i can't! Right? Do i just do it For the sake of doing it It's got better over the years and my project's are better and i ged just a little less anxious and some days are not that bad coding days but i still might a void or delay i just want to enjoy coding again i just want to truly and fully like scratch (and other coding) again its been 4.5 years and i feel bad and guilty because of such an absurd thing and wasting my life beacuse of it also alse when this started my behavior got better at school because i was depressed (i have asperger and a slight ADHD) im always told that it's just my aspergers and such i distract myself from the memories and feelings by plaing video games or watching tv or by going shopping or also to avoid coding
Life would simply be so much better for me i i just don't get triggered by coding there is also a therapist like huy at my school (he isn't much of help) i always set a goal for coding per day it's usually 1 hour a day so i don't aboid it and i expose myself to it but the anxiety hasn't gone down so and i get upset when i don' do it. Also my chronic constipation went away when this started. I was always scared to ask other people in the internet but im desprate i also developed OCD regarding this but thats a whole difderent thing i Didn't stop coding because i still don't want and i can't avoid it and code is everywhere and also when this was beginning i was starting to give up on electronics entirely and social media i became the wery thing i didn't like i became a boring old man thecnically. I eventually realised that that was a bad idea and got back to coding but that was a long time ago i also think i have cptsd but im not sure about it because the symptons match more and most of my tratments didn't work because those don't work for cptsd but not every thing matches but many but it also was just one trumatic event that caused this so im not sure because it's usually long term trauma i also might have bpd because sometumes i get andgry at friends and right after say im really sorry but im not sure i just want the right treatment i once thogyt to gove up coding but that can't be right. Right? So somebody please help i want to coding vocational school and vocational school starts in 1.5 years and i don't know what to do im gonna be there 3 years so yeah and i looked up that i shoildnt distract myself with media but everithing i do seems like a distraction so what can i do and do i just have to sit and do nothong sorry this is so long im writing this in panic just somebody please help!!!
 

joeylittle

Administrator
Hi - Just chiming in quickly to say:
-- It's not possible to have developed PTSD (or cPTSD) from that experience.
-- BPD is a complicated diagnosis, and one you can't sort out for yourself.
-- Having someone to talk with would really help.

I don't know what country you're in, but you mentioned you're a teenager. Can you ask the therapist-like guy at your school to set you up with an actual therapist? And/or, can you talk with your parent/guardian about wanting some psychological support?
 
U

User5558

Yes i can.

Ps i have talkes to my parents about this a lot and just a little thing that i forgot to say i think the original thing that happened doesn't really matter to me that much it's stupid. But the problem is that i still get triggered

I mean i have talked about this to my parents but i haven't asked about the psycological support so il will ask that too
 

Justmehere

Moderator
You are clearly struggling with some anxiety and other mental health symptoms. What you describe could be caused by a number of mental health conditions other than PTSD. Have you thought about seeing a counselor? Is that a viable option for you? Don't lose hope!
 
U

User5558

It's getting better when i expose myself to coding the anxiety has not went down by a lot but avoiding is worse so i do coding because a part of me still likes it and because i don't wanna avoid it i do 1 hour per day
 
U

User5558

I still believe in myself coding because i once read a post from another forum (i don't renember where it's from) it said that somebody got ptsd from their favourite hobby abd doubted themselves do they still like it but they decided to still do it vecause they had always liked it after years they overcame ptsd and didn't get triggered by their hobby after i read that story i stopped doubting myself and did coding regardless of the anxiety
 
U

User5558

Hey do you have any ideas how to stop getting triggered by it
 

joeylittle

Administrator
Well, you're doing a version of what a lot of mental health people would recommend - you're exposing yourself to it, just like you said.

Otherwise, a therapist would probably have other suggestions for you.

It also might help if you give your response a more appropriate name - it's completely valid to become extremely upset by a bad memory. That's not necessarily being "triggered" - it's being really upset. You could inadvertently make this harder for yourself by thinking of it as a PTSD response (since it's not possible to have developed PTSD from the incident you describe.)
 
U

User5558

I mean it a bad memory does not come up when i start coding i just grt a stress response automativly in my body
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top