Abuser Died. How Long Will Others Sing His Praises On Facebook?

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I just wondered if anyone had any thoughts on this.

I was told by my T. years back that since I was processing the trauma from my father that it is "like a death" actually to grieve. She also said that when he died, I would be better off than others because I've already grieved the loss of a father figure since I went full "No-Contact" as soon as I remembered the severity of abuse and confronted him/them.

She was right. It felt like his body died, but the person I thought he was died several years ago to me, so I am not grieving that loss. It was a fantasy dad after all that I really lost and walked away from, the need for that fantasy dad was so strong to get me through to adulthood.

Now, it's been a few weeks, and there was an initial flood that I expected on FB of talking about him. I've done really well and not gotten triggered! Yay! I have experienced and verbalized the emotions I have felt, and I am really proud of my progress from years back when this would have sent me for a higher dose of Xanax. I am not on any meds!

Yet, after a break, now there is more and more romantical, untrue, and sentimental stuff being posted on Facebook that is simply inaccurate. I also expected this, but I definitely am feeling the anger that the other people in my family who chose to stick by the rich dick are saying. I can see how manipulated they are by my parents, which raises my anger level a bit.

What sort of bothers me is how unable to join in on traditional "sayings" that people share in the typical American grief process I have witnessed around me that never have made any sense, and actually seem truly stupid to me. I'm sorry, but I think with my PTSD and personality, I cannot fathom how people feel that saying insipid "comforting" but obvious "truisms" to others who are grieving is "comfort."

"This will bring your family closer together," and other such opinions that do not take the actual people into account really offend me. This was said by my aunt to my sister, when my aunt knows that I am not closer to the family, having left it six years ago, and it really upsets my sister in particular. I basically cannot think of anything worse she could have said on FB to my younger sister, who essentially is codependent, tries to "fix" the messed up family all the time, and takes everything on. My sister blames herself for not being able to get me "back" into the dysfunctional and very traumatizing family. She has Stockholm through-and-through, and avoids therapy to remain in denial of her abuse. She knows it happened but pretends she doesn't know who did it.

Anyway, I wondered if people will continue these kinds of charades longer than usual per the levels of dysfunction in my extended family. Any thoughts, even of the dissenting variety, are fully welcome. Have at it. I'm ready.


Like you I've never really understood the platitudes. Even before the PTSD eroded most of my empathy. However I've come to realize they are merely social grease. I think most of the time the neither the speaker no the listener believe whats being said. The platitudes merely make it easier for people stuck in an uncomfortable situation.


Most family members will never admit anything was wrong. I can not understand that, can not understand that my brother does not want to listen when I try to tell him what a monster his father is. But that is water under the bridge.....


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I'm so sorry you are going through this. I went through it too, but before FB had become an issue in my life.

Everyone else prefers to deal with their own cognitive dissonance by thinking of your abuser as a good person. It's easier. It also keeps them trapped in their own sort if sickness or delusion. If I had something good to tell you I would tell you. I don't.


I think most people have these 'programs' that run through their heads. I, you, and many of us here have spent years, sometimes decades deprogramming ourselves. And good for us! It is one of those things though, that once you are out of the program, it seems you can see it in others from a mile away.

I hope you can focus on how freeing it is to have a mind that is free from the dogma. Congratulations on the strides that you have made towards health despite the temptation of others towards you to come back into the fold.


Thanks guys, I am in agreement entirely.

I think the dogma is "don't rock the boat" and it's not loving to traffic in truth.

12 steps would call it "denial" and "enabling" or codependency, and I can't argue with that. My mom enabled my dad to be a monster and yet only sees what she wants to see in him. Even now he's dead, if not more for that.

The 'strong, capable' hands she sees in photos were used to cover my mouth and to abuse me violently. There were "strong, abusive" hands to me.

Splitting is also going on, according to psychology. My mom and siblings split him into "good dad/husband" and "bad dad/husband." Like you so eloquently said, they choose to settle the cognitive dissonance by selecting to maintain only the good. This aids the denial.

This also keeps them from having to ever deal with their "bad" sides. They don't integrate. Keep it separated. Deny that, too.

My T's said to stay far away from those types. Those in 12 steps see them as one step away from something in a good process, but that step away from denial is never taken. It is the "road not taken."

We here mostly are on an entirely different road, and that "has made all the difference." Thank you for reminding me again of why I did that.
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