Abuser Still Unknown

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GreySouled

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I have had what I suppose are sudden intrusive memories and one actual terrifying flashback of a childhood assault. I've seen body parts and the actual trauma itself, but I've yet to be able to see the guy's face. I can think of some suspects based on circumstantial evidence but my brain has yet to confirm anything. Has anyone else who's recovered memories in adulthood had this happen?

I am currently practicing trauma releasing exercises (started this week) in hopes to shake free more memories. I know that sounds crazy and probably blasphemous on this forum. I know I should consider myself fortunate to have only had one flashback, but it's driving me crazy not knowing who did this to me.
 

cat-lady

MyPTSD Pro
I remember a lot but also wish I could remember more. I have found that when I feel safe and secure in my life (financially, socially, etc) I remember more without trying. That's how I started to recover memories in the first place. When I'm aggravated and trying to make myself remember more it doesn't work. The part of me in control of the memories has to feel safe. Good luck with the trauma releasing exercises. I hope they help.
 

GreySouled

New Here
Hmmm... that's probably what's preventing them. I do feel secure in life, but I did have a baby this year so maybe I'm worried about any kind of depression relapse and that affecting her. As far as secure, I definitely do not have a support system unless you include the online community at Pandy's, and I can't even really count on that. Back when I first started remembering, everyone I told basically said all the wrong things and basically want me to just not think about it, get over it, etc. So I vowed to myself never to waste my thoughts and feelings and any new memories on anyone else except online support communities and any future therapists. I'm not in therapy now, nor was I at the time I had the flashback. I was doing a huge amount of drinking then (as well as for the whole decade before - gee, wonder why) but just stopped and decided I'd had enough with misery and then was pregnant a few months after, and since then I've just been emotionally disconnected from everyone and everything since then except my baby. So without alcohol I have no buffer, so I'm probably never going to remember anything else which is going to drive me absolutely berserk.
 

cat-lady

MyPTSD Pro
Maybe with good group therapy stuff can start to change. In my experience that was very helpful. It gives you a sense of community in person at the same time as therapy.
 

Hope1969

Confident
I had the same experience. 8 years ago i started to have body memories of sexual abuse but no "pictures" or "movies". Decided not to deal with it and closed the thing inside.

Few months ago it started again. same body memories. no pictures. no face. i suspected someone but i wasn't sure. This time in life i felt ready to deal with it. and after a while started to see pictures without face. Slowly i started to see the "abuser" (not the one i suspected and honestly not the one i ever thought be the abuser). now i have flashbacks with full face (not fun at all)


Be patient. Your brain is protecting you and giving you each time the information that you can handle.


Good luck with your healing path.
 

rosey

MyPTSD Pro
@GreySouled i had something similar. I know who my abuser was though. However on flashbacks or when trying to i could never see his face. I got clothes other body parts yes but no face. It did come eventually but i wish it hadn't in fact now. I think deep down i just wasnt ready to see it. I have a block with his words too. I know he spoke but couldn't tell you a word of what he said.

Just trust it will come when the time is right.
 

GreySouled

New Here
Ugh, this is all so crazy. Thank you for sharing. I do understand the self-protection aspect. I think I'm going to go ahead and start therapy again so this brain will feel safer. My insurance is not the best, however, so finding one that knows what they're doing, that will inspire confidence, will probably be a challenge.
 

The Albatross

MyPTSD Pro
Would encourage you to rejoin therapy particularly because you say, "I am currently practicing trauma releasing exercises (started this week) in hopes to shake free more memories." and because you have a history of alcohol use or abuse. Shaking free more memories with a child and a recent pregnancy is a precarious and risky behavior.
 
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