Abusive Family and Roots of Trauma

FreeSoul

Learning
After journaling about my trauma over the past 2+ years and researching psychopaths, narcissists, and sociopaths, I discovered the root causes of much of my emotional sufferings.

In my childhood, my mother would taunt me because I was tanned, my sister would taunt me "you were brought from a garbage can", my brother would tease me "you are so sensitive" because I would be sad, hurt, and ashamed of my sister's taunts.

My father would spend time with others, mediating in family feuds, but didn’t bother to check what was going on in his own home.

I became a target of emotional and sexual abuse in the neighborhood and in school; and lived like that much of my childhood and teenaged years.

I remember once my brother stood to a guy in the neighborhood who stole my money; but I recently realized he did that because that money belonged to my mother, she had asked me to buy some food for the kitchen; he didn't stand for me.

I didn't have anyone to turn to for help; and I didn't even know I could seek help for the emotional abuses I was going through in my house.

I suffered isolation since my childhood, and preferred solitude, and still find it extremely difficult to be with others.

I also realized recently, my father and brothers would pass on the blame for their failures and mistakes onto me; and have been doing so smoothly, I didn’t even realize they were doing something evil.

In my adulthood, especially when I started to get independent and started getting attention from my relatives because I had good education, my father would give me silent treatment, criticize me and my choices, but give attention to complete strangers, some of who were in fact con artists. He also expected perfection from me, questioned what I believed, but was completely relaxed and didn't questioned others.

I used to hate my father spending time with others and be relaxed towards others, and it made me really angry; but I never realized it was diminishing my self-worth, because I subconsciously started to believe those strangers and outsiders were worthy of my father’s respect, attention, and special treatment, but I wasn’t; and that there must be something wrong with me, otherwise, my father would be giving me respect and attention.

I spent much of my life dissociated; and discovered only in the past 1+ years what dissociation was and that I had been dissociating. I did make some progress after I started to follow exercises on dissociation which I read in a book on dissociation.

To my surprise, my counsellor for talk therapy never gave me any exercises or techniques on being grounded, even though I mentioned signs of dissociations to her, and she agreed me not being present. I dumped her already.

What is worst is, my mother, after abusing me and letting others abuse me throughout my childhood, continued to taunt me in my adulthood that I have ruined my life by myself; when the truth is, my life is partly a result of how she raised me.

My father taunted me in my adulthood that I was weak, when the truth is, he failed to be there for me, and when he was there, he would emotionally abuse me.
 

Charbella

MyPTSD Pro
@FreeSoul. Sounds like it’s been rough. For me I couldn’t deal with the abuse from others until I admitted it started at home with some clear emotional abuse and a lot of abuse due to a narcissistic parent that I was constantly trying to please.

Sounds like your discovery will be helpful in moving forward with fixing the issues you’re dealing with. Good luck in your journey!
 

caroline_13

Confident
After journaling about my trauma over the past 2+ years and researching psychopaths, narcissists, and sociopaths, I discovered the root causes of much of my emotional sufferings.

In my childhood, my mother would taunt me because I was tanned, my sister would taunt me "you were brought from a garbage can", my brother would tease me "you are so sensitive" because I would be sad, hurt, and ashamed of my sister's taunts.

My father would spend time with others, mediating in family feuds, but didn’t bother to check what was going on in his own home.

I became a target of emotional and sexual abuse in the neighborhood and in school; and lived like that much of my childhood and teenaged years.

I remember once my brother stood to a guy in the neighborhood who stole my money; but I recently realized he did that because that money belonged to my mother, she had asked me to buy some food for the kitchen; he didn't stand for me.

I didn't have anyone to turn to for help; and I didn't even know I could seek help for the emotional abuses I was going through in my house.

I suffered isolation since my childhood, and preferred solitude, and still find it extremely difficult to be with others.

I also realized recently, my father and brothers would pass on the blame for their failures and mistakes onto me; and have been doing so smoothly, I didn’t even realize they were doing something evil.

In my adulthood, especially when I started to get independent and started getting attention from my relatives because I had good education, my father would give me silent treatment, criticize me and my choices, but give attention to complete strangers, some of who were in fact con artists. He also expected perfection from me, questioned what I believed, but was completely relaxed and didn't questioned others.

I used to hate my father spending time with others and be relaxed towards others, and it made me really angry; but I never realized it was diminishing my self-worth, because I subconsciously started to believe those strangers and outsiders were worthy of my father’s respect, attention, and special treatment, but I wasn’t; and that there must be something wrong with me, otherwise, my father would be giving me respect and attention.

I spent much of my life dissociated; and discovered only in the past 1+ years what dissociation was and that I had been dissociating. I did make some progress after I started to follow exercises on dissociation which I read in a book on dissociation.

To my surprise, my counsellor for talk therapy never gave me any exercises or techniques on being grounded, even though I mentioned signs of dissociations to her, and she agreed me not being present. I dumped her already.

What is worst is, my mother, after abusing me and letting others abuse me throughout my childhood, continued to taunt me in my adulthood that I have ruined my life by myself; when the truth is, my life is partly a result of how she raised me.

My father taunted me in my adulthood that I was weak, when the truth is, he failed to be there for me, and when he was there, he would emotionally abuse me.
We are glad you are here! So much of us can relate.

I can, for one. To the abuse by family members, and how difficult it still can be to keep them at a boundary.

I've started to find my own community :)
 
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