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Abusive Family and Roots of Trauma

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FreeSoul

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After journaling about my trauma over the past 2+ years and researching psychopaths, narcissists, and sociopaths, I discovered the root causes of much of my emotional sufferings.

In my childhood, my mother would taunt me because I was tanned, my sister would taunt me "you were brought from a garbage can", my brother would tease me "you are so sensitive" because I would be sad, hurt, and ashamed of my sister's taunts.

My father would spend time with others, mediating in family feuds, but didn’t bother to check what was going on in his own home.

I became a target of emotional and sexual abuse in the neighborhood and in school; and lived like that much of my childhood and teenaged years.

I remember once my brother stood to a guy in the neighborhood who stole my money; but I recently realized he did that because that money belonged to my mother, she had asked me to buy some food for the kitchen; he didn't stand for me.

I didn't have anyone to turn to for help; and I didn't even know I could seek help for the emotional abuses I was going through in my house.

I suffered isolation since my childhood, and preferred solitude, and still find it extremely difficult to be with others.

I also realized recently, my father and brothers would pass on the blame for their failures and mistakes onto me; and have been doing so smoothly, I didn’t even realize they were doing something evil.

In my adulthood, especially when I started to get independent and started getting attention from my relatives because I had good education, my father would give me silent treatment, criticize me and my choices, but give attention to complete strangers, some of who were in fact con artists. He also expected perfection from me, questioned what I believed, but was completely relaxed and didn't questioned others.

I used to hate my father spending time with others and be relaxed towards others, and it made me really angry; but I never realized it was diminishing my self-worth, because I subconsciously started to believe those strangers and outsiders were worthy of my father’s respect, attention, and special treatment, but I wasn’t; and that there must be something wrong with me, otherwise, my father would be giving me respect and attention.

I spent much of my life dissociated; and discovered only in the past 1+ years what dissociation was and that I had been dissociating. I did make some progress after I started to follow exercises on dissociation which I read in a book on dissociation.

To my surprise, my counsellor for talk therapy never gave me any exercises or techniques on being grounded, even though I mentioned signs of dissociations to her, and she agreed me not being present. I dumped her already.

What is worst is, my mother, after abusing me and letting others abuse me throughout my childhood, continued to taunt me in my adulthood that I have ruined my life by myself; when the truth is, my life is partly a result of how she raised me.

My father taunted me in my adulthood that I was weak, when the truth is, he failed to be there for me, and when he was there, he would emotionally abuse me.
 
@FreeSoul. Sounds like it’s been rough. For me I couldn’t deal with the abuse from others until I admitted it started at home with some clear emotional abuse and a lot of abuse due to a narcissistic parent that I was constantly trying to please.

Sounds like your discovery will be helpful in moving forward with fixing the issues you’re dealing with. Good luck in your journey!
 
After journaling about my trauma over the past 2+ years and researching psychopaths, narcissists, and sociopaths, I discovered the root causes of much of my emotional sufferings.

In my childhood, my mother would taunt me because I was tanned, my sister would taunt me "you were brought from a garbage can", my brother would tease me "you are so sensitive" because I would be sad, hurt, and ashamed of my sister's taunts.

My father would spend time with others, mediating in family feuds, but didn’t bother to check what was going on in his own home.

I became a target of emotional and sexual abuse in the neighborhood and in school; and lived like that much of my childhood and teenaged years.

I remember once my brother stood to a guy in the neighborhood who stole my money; but I recently realized he did that because that money belonged to my mother, she had asked me to buy some food for the kitchen; he didn't stand for me.

I didn't have anyone to turn to for help; and I didn't even know I could seek help for the emotional abuses I was going through in my house.

I suffered isolation since my childhood, and preferred solitude, and still find it extremely difficult to be with others.

I also realized recently, my father and brothers would pass on the blame for their failures and mistakes onto me; and have been doing so smoothly, I didn’t even realize they were doing something evil.

In my adulthood, especially when I started to get independent and started getting attention from my relatives because I had good education, my father would give me silent treatment, criticize me and my choices, but give attention to complete strangers, some of who were in fact con artists. He also expected perfection from me, questioned what I believed, but was completely relaxed and didn't questioned others.

I used to hate my father spending time with others and be relaxed towards others, and it made me really angry; but I never realized it was diminishing my self-worth, because I subconsciously started to believe those strangers and outsiders were worthy of my father’s respect, attention, and special treatment, but I wasn’t; and that there must be something wrong with me, otherwise, my father would be giving me respect and attention.

I spent much of my life dissociated; and discovered only in the past 1+ years what dissociation was and that I had been dissociating. I did make some progress after I started to follow exercises on dissociation which I read in a book on dissociation.

To my surprise, my counsellor for talk therapy never gave me any exercises or techniques on being grounded, even though I mentioned signs of dissociations to her, and she agreed me not being present. I dumped her already.

What is worst is, my mother, after abusing me and letting others abuse me throughout my childhood, continued to taunt me in my adulthood that I have ruined my life by myself; when the truth is, my life is partly a result of how she raised me.

My father taunted me in my adulthood that I was weak, when the truth is, he failed to be there for me, and when he was there, he would emotionally abuse me.
We are glad you are here! So much of us can relate.

I can, for one. To the abuse by family members, and how difficult it still can be to keep them at a boundary.

I've started to find my own community :)
 
After journaling about my trauma over the past 2+ years and researching psychopaths, narcissists, and sociopaths, I discovered the root causes of much of my emotional sufferings.

In my childhood, my mother would taunt me because I was tanned, my sister would taunt me "you were brought from a garbage can", my brother would tease me "you are so sensitive" because I would be sad, hurt, and ashamed of my sister's taunts.

My father would spend time with others, mediating in family feuds, but didn’t bother to check what was going on in his own home.

I became a target of emotional and sexual abuse in the neighborhood and in school; and lived like that much of my childhood and teenaged years.

I remember once my brother stood to a guy in the neighborhood who stole my money; but I recently realized he did that because that money belonged to my mother, she had asked me to buy some food for the kitchen; he didn't stand for me.

I didn't have anyone to turn to for help; and I didn't even know I could seek help for the emotional abuses I was going through in my house.

I suffered isolation since my childhood, and preferred solitude, and still find it extremely difficult to be with others.

I also realized recently, my father and brothers would pass on the blame for their failures and mistakes onto me; and have been doing so smoothly, I didn’t even realize they were doing something evil.

In my adulthood, especially when I started to get independent and started getting attention from my relatives because I had good education, my father would give me silent treatment, criticize me and my choices, but give attention to complete strangers, some of who were in fact con artists. He also expected perfection from me, questioned what I believed, but was completely relaxed and didn't questioned others.

I used to hate my father spending time with others and be relaxed towards others, and it made me really angry; but I never realized it was diminishing my self-worth, because I subconsciously started to believe those strangers and outsiders were worthy of my father’s respect, attention, and special treatment, but I wasn’t; and that there must be something wrong with me, otherwise, my father would be giving me respect and attention.

I spent much of my life dissociated; and discovered only in the past 1+ years what dissociation was and that I had been dissociating. I did make some progress after I started to follow exercises on dissociation which I read in a book on dissociation.

To my surprise, my counsellor for talk therapy never gave me any exercises or techniques on being grounded, even though I mentioned signs of dissociations to her, and she agreed me not being present. I dumped her already.

What is worst is, my mother, after abusing me and letting others abuse me throughout my childhood, continued to taunt me in my adulthood that I have ruined my life by myself; when the truth is, my life is partly a result of how she raised me.

My father taunted me in my adulthood that I was weak, when the truth is, he failed to be there for me, and when he was there, he would emotionally abuse me.
I can definitely relate to most of the experiences you mentioned! Thanks for sharing, helped me today.
 
I cant say this is direct trauma, but the rigidity definitely led to it. I moved in with sister and brother in law at age 13, which I do think are very tender years. He was not sexually inappropriate in any way, but knew I had witnessed things that a young fgirl should not have. He was super strict. I soon learned I was not permitted to feel most normal feeling. Anger was out of the question. He was often angered, but nobody else in the house was allowed. Of course he didnt say we weren't allowed, but it was known. Weren't allowed to cry either. Having dinner as a family was a must, everyone must be at the table. Had to tip toe around his mood. My sister rarely even talked to me, she was caring for 3 little kids. Once I shared my college goals and was humiliated about it, so never again. These were years of sexual curiosity of course. Felt shamed about that, no blame here, but I do think it was the vibe in the house. I tried to stay in my room because if I shared anything I was like to be grounded and that was the worst, I was usually grounded for my report card which were C's. Anyway, I have carried it thru life. If men only knew what they put on the young, and he did it with his 2 daughters also. His son,,,,oh he was a little king, dead at 50 from alcoholism. His 2 daughters, abused by men, substance abuse, just like me. Im not angry at him. My sister and he divorced many years ago when he was having an affair with a woman my age. I actually relate to him on some level. Everything is so twisted, but I did the best I could to change for my children, and they will have to keep on making changes for the next generation. I really hope they do. I tried to be honest with them and give them the tools they need. This is a really tough subject.
 
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