Acceptance of trauma ?

[Ecdysis]

No matter how much work I do, or how much I put into it, some days I still spiral

Yeah... I realise that this particular issue will never 100% go away... But I'd like to go from 90% denial and 10% owning it, to say 70% owning it and 30% denial... Or something like that... I don't need this to be wholly gone... I just need it to be a saner set of percentages, you know?

However, no it doesn’t mean we have to literally remind ourselves of the trauma everyday, that’s working backwards. It’s not denial to have a day that you didn’t think about the trauma. Denial is when you refuse to address effects that have a big impact on you.

Yeah, well, that's literally the problem I have. So it IS important for me to say this several times a day. I basically need to be like the person at the AA meeting saying "Hi, I'm Ecdysis and I'm an alcoholic" several times a week for years on end until it FINALLY F*CKING SINKS IN...
Like, my brain really *is* that dumb...

I'm literally doing myself damage by "pretending" it didn't happen, all the time. I literally set myself up for failure. I'm like someone who needs a wheelchair, but is like "No I don't, I'll be fiiiiine without it" or someone who needs glasses and is like "Nah, I'll be fiiiine to drive without glasses, honestly!"

For some reason I expect myself to be like this miracle kid who went through trauma but came out unscathed and able to do "anything and everything".

I know I keep saying that "keeping PTSD a secret" from most ppl in my life is doing my head in... And I think this is yet one more of the reasons... Because I will basically tell 98% of the people in my life something like "My childhood was fine and I don't have PTSD" - that just sooooo reinforces the fact that I'm doing this internally to myself 98% of the time too - you know, self-talk like "WTF am I on disability...?!?!? I should be working 60 hour weeks and have a freaking career!" It just sets me up to fail and fall short of (ridiculous, unwarranted) expectations and makes me look like an idiot for having scars and disabilities from... a childhood that was... "fine"... ??

I need to be the C-PTSD version of the person in AA... Look in the mirror and say it several times a day... I have C-PTSD from a shitshow of a childhood and it f*cks with my brain every day - heck, even at night in my sleep - and it messes with my life in so many ways it's basically like needing an (invisible) wheelchair and I really NEED to accept this and make friends with my wheelchair and stop pretending it's not part of my life and quit trying to pretend to other people it's not part of my life.

I know a big reason my brain does this crap is self-protection... Because seeming tough and "fine" to others means they're less likely to attack you than if you're honest and vulnerable and admit you've gone through trauma and have all the long-term aftermath crap that goes with it... Being vulnerable like that = being in danger, to my brain. It's just an automatic go-to: Always deny there was trauma so no one knows how they can get to you. Always pretend to be fine, because that's how you can hide and blend in and not draw any attention to yourself. Be as fine as possible and as normal as possible - it's your camouflage.

So yeah, hi... I'm Ecdysis, I have C-PTSD from childhood trauma and it still messes with my brain and with my life, so many decades later. I'm not fine, but I'm a survivor, I'm coping, I'm doing my best. My life is messy but so is most people's, for a wide variety of reasons. We all have our crosses to bear and our demons to wrestle with. Mine's childhood trauma. Want to tell me yours? You don't have to. But life is a long journey and sometimes being really-really-really honest is a great big f*cking relief.

 

[radical acceptance]

Okay, i always thought acceptance was the path to healing, and ive accepted that i need to be on that path for a long time. I accept and acknowledge all the indescribable scenarios ive lived with. Ive sat with them, had them validated, shared them, over shared them, reminisced, resented, accepted, resented again and accepted and soooo on.... i understand how it made me who i am. Ive done the work and learned the coping and it worked for a while, then it did not again. Is being healed and fully accepting potentially just finally being okay with that is my life and thats the deal and there's no better version of "healed" out there? The constant push to work through my trauma keeps pulling me back in? I thought I was healed so many times , can I just accept that never being fully okay is my own resolution. I'd prefer accepting my personal traits, albeit trauma responses are just who I am, rather than forever feeling like I need to "work on myself. " Or is that rationale just a fear and avoidance mechanism?

I'm further along the acceptance journey than I was, but there have been and still are obstacles to overcome.

Other people's non acceptance of the emotional child. Risk of upsetting my mother and being rejected if I didn't act like everything was okay. So denial can be a learned behaviour and a survival strategy.

I guess the natural course of that survival strategy is dissociation and when trauma doesn't feel real when it's physically happening, connecting to it as a reality afterwards is complicated more.

I think for me the journey to acceptance started with accepting my denial and digging into that further, then accepting neglect, and accepting the way dissociation affects me. Gradually unpicking all those things that get in the way of accepting traumatic experiences.

 

[enough]

final statement to every therapist that thought radical acceptance was the last hurdle, the last bridge to cross, the end all with a big bow and a free pass to happiness attached:
Okay, i radically accept that I am the result of all my traumas and that cured of PTSD is not a thing. Hope you have someone on the waiting list, this spot is open now.

 

[Rose White]

@enough nothing made me more angry at my old T than when she suggested radical acceptance.

 

[enough]

I like the AA serenity prayer (I found it applies to us non alcoholics in recovery from substance abuse too). I think it gets a few steps into the argument against radical acceptance, at least groundwork for further steps in the logic sequence:
serenity to accept the things i cannot change - okay. courage to change the things i can, uh, no, thats not courage, that's failure to embrace and accept those things. Wisdom to know the difference? what difference? You are supposed to just accept it all, right?
If i ever find myself up against something i cannot change i will seek serenity through making peace with the situation, you bet. but if there is a battle on the wind i am in it and why in hell would i pay someone to try to teach me that i should stand down?

 

[Freddyt]

Okay, i always thought acceptance was the path to healing,

Do you need to accept something you were part of? Or is it part of you?

To me - understanding MY truth, how my mind interpreted what happened is my thing.

NOT that you need to understand the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth right off the hop. Your truth is revealed through therapy. How your mind saw what happened. How it interpreted things. What it saw as that moment that tripped the switch and turned it to trauma. And what happened after.

If I told a thousand people my story? Maybe one would say "that was unfortunate" not "oh your mind would see that as torture"

Knowing it was and why it was is stuff your T can treat. Those are things that allow you to get to the core, the heart of the problem, so say "it happened" instead of "it's happening".

 

[Friday]

serenity to accept the things i cannot change - okay. courage to change the things i can, uh, no, thats not courage, that's failure to embrace and accept those things. Wisdom to know the difference? what difference? You are supposed to just accept it all, right?

I always changed that to :

The serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I SHOULD
The wisdom to know the difference.

I CAN change a whooooooole helluva lot that I really, reeeeally, shouldn’t. For countless reasons. I CAN burn down my neighbors house. SHOULD I? A vastly different q&a (resounding NO, btw, my neighbora are lovely people. Just because I can change something? Doesn’t mean I should). I CAN go on a murder spree killing hundreds of pedophiles & procurers. SHOULD I? Now there’s a harder question. Etc.

Just because I CAN do something, doesn’t mean I should.
Just because I SHOULD do something, doesn’t mean I shall / or that it’s wise to.

I

rather than forever feeling like I need to "work on myself.

I think the “work” part, f*cks people up. As opposed to considering making one’s self better, more true to themselves, more who they wish to be… regardless of who/what that is… an EXQUISITE art form, or FIERCE sport, totally worth & worthy of time & energy & mastery & curiosity & joy & expertise unbridled by the low expectations of others.

I have to …work?!? Snarl, drag, refuse.

As opposed to I GET TO seize, conquer, delight, find, bound & determined.

Never work a day in your life, if you love what you do, kind of thing.

And NOPE! Not even Olympic athletes love physical therapy when they’re injured. But they looooove what their bodies can do, once PAST that stage, which makes the fight to do stupid… and all the pain/heartbreak/suffering… “just” step 6. In? Get better. Get amazing. Get free.

 

[Friday]

There is such a LARGE series of contingents of people with trauma who:

- Blame themselves
- Do not accept &/or even remember

That it’s understandable sooooo many people think the “key” to trauma is acceptance, remembrance, not blaming themselves… as opposed to just a step. As soooooo many people with trauma DO accept/remember/not blame themselves… those are just “pieces”. Not the whole game. Important pieces? Certainly. If one doesn’t have them. If one does? Inconsequential pieces. Yep. That happened. Yes. I remember it. No. It was not my fault, or yes it was (legitimately; PTSD isn’t a victim disorder, it’s a trauma disorder). Reality attended to? Now let’s look at the REST of it.

 

[enough]

Just because I CAN do something, doesn’t mean I should.
Just because I SHOULD do something, doesn’t mean I shall / or that it’s wise to

wisdom is a wet blanket thrown on the fire to change for changes sake. Something has to change in an interpersonal relationship? I could change the continent i stand on and thus end the relationship. Unwise? yeah. maybe so. or jyst move? maybe. confront, adjust, adapt? if it has a chance of working, maybe. Radically accept the non working relationship? slipping away from wise again, I think. Wisdom to know where when how, oh please grant it.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

wisdom is a wet blanket thrown on the fire to change for changes sake. Something has to change in an interpersonal relationship? I could change the continent i stand on and thus end the relationship. Unwise? yeah. maybe so. or jyst move? maybe. confront, adjust, adapt? if it has a chance of working, maybe. Radically accept the non working relationship? slipping away from wise again, I think. Wisdom to know where when how, oh please grant it.

I resemble that with my contemplated move to NZ.

 

[enough]

I resemble that with my contemplated move to NZ.

brother, you are not alone thinking 2000 miles is easier than 20. Haven't even loaded my truck but thought about it plenty for quite awhile.
Hell of a personal admission to make in a thread that has also seen me rail against radical acceptance. Still a work in progress